to as what would you do in this scenario (friendships related)?(54 Posts)
Ok, I have been friends with a group of other women for about 5 years. We all meet up regularly. One friend, lets call her Friend A, is the alpha female of the group. She is quite self absorbed, demanding and is actually quite unpleasant a lot of the time, both behind peoples' backs and sometimes to their faces. One girl in particular she gives a very hard time to as this girls' husband has been out of work for a while and they are on benefits.
Friend A will also seem to be picking on one person at a time, for a few weeks, with her backstabbing and nastiness. She will even go as far as to go on Facebook and do a group chat about that person, excluding that person of course, and try to get others on side and to back her up. Often too she will stir up a hornet's nest, and then say she's got too much going on in her life to be involved, or say that it's nothing to do with her. For example at Christmas our group did a secret santa, and Friend A decided the gift that one friend got from another girl (who was Friend A's bullying victim at the time) wasn't up to scratch and then started having a go at the sender of the gift, and got an argument going between the sender and the recipient then made out it was nothing to do with her. Friend A also tells people that others have said things when it was in fact her that said the negative things, not others.
In recent months, several other members of the group have spoken to me and said she's upset them, they dislike her, and they wish there was a way we could arrange meet ups without her.
Anyway, I have always stayed on good terms with Friend A. I've kept out of bitching, and basically just gone along to the group meets, as I've enjoyed the company of the others. However, at a recent night out she was giving someone her opinion, which was actually just an excuse to be rude and bitchy, and she, out of the blue said "MiniEggsJumped agrees with me and said the same things!" which was totally untrue. The person being picked on was really hurt and seemed cross with me, so I said "Actually no, I didn't say any of those things. you seem to have a habit of making things up and causing trouble", at which point Friend A burst into tears, and one friend, the one who is on benefits and has been given a terrible time by friend A, actually leapt to her defence, and started verbally attacking me. I walked out, and went home.
I heard from one person later that night, who agreed with me and said she was going to stop meeting with the group. Apart from her, I've heard from a few others, who have all basically sided with Friend A. These are all women that she has upset and who have said they dislike her and wish she couldn't come to our meet ups anymore. Some she has been extremely unpleasant to. But it seems that they liked things they way they were, and are happy for her to behave that way. Apparently Friend A is extremely "upset", and is exagerating and saying she feels I attacked her, and was out of order.
I feel really disappointed that none except one of my friend have backed me up, and also that all these people she has been horrible to have sided with her and seem to think her behaviour is acceptable.
Sorry this is long!!
Rise above and ignore. Leave doors open with the others but don't bother to turn up to anything that a person you don't like has organised. Don't respond. Move on. Life's too short to waste with 'friends' like these!
Why hang out with this bizarre and immature bunch of women?
Meet up with the one who doesn't seem to be completely deranged instead.
Thank you DeepRedBetty.
I guess what I'm finding hard is how everyone was so upset with her and hates the way she is with them, but when it comes to the crunch none like having the apple cart upset. Oh well, if they want to be bullied that's up to them I suppose.
You're right, I shall move on and spend time with other friends instead, and leave them all to be two-faced together
Agree with deepredbetty. I wouldn't fall out with them or say anything to anyone else about but I would remove myself from this poisonous immature woman. If someone is backstabbing and bitching behind backs then she'll be doing it behind yours and if the first time you've spoken up your other 'friends' have leapt to her defence then I doubt very much they'd stick up for you if she was talking about you either. She sounds poisonous, immature and a deeply unhappy person.
Walk away and just be far too busy for their get togethers
Yes move on and spend time with the other friend.
Could you look yourself in the mirror if you'd nodded in agreement when somebody lied about you having said something horrible, when you'd said nothing of the sort?
Sometimes in life you have to stand up for yourself. If other people side with Friend A it's because they are terrified of being her next vcitim. It's horrible when somebody falls out with you but console yourself with the fact that you had the strength, these others lack, to stand up to a bully.
Betty is right - you only have time and energy for a certain number of people in your life. Just leave everything to settle down. You will be the target for a few weeks, but this won't be a problem if you aren't in contact with her and you can let the others come back to you when they come under fire. Defriend her from facebook to avoid messages. She is behaving like a child.
I've defriended her from Facebook but the problem is that others are contacting me saying why have I defriended her and she's in bits about it all, and I need to understand she didn't mean it nastily blah blah
I think she is a very manipulative individual but I'm more disappointed in the sheep-like behaviour of the others.
Firstly, well done for standing up for yourself. Secondly, I agree with Betty, just see your real friends. Life is too short, people like friend A cause stress and upset all the time. I've been there so I do sympathise.
Wow, I think I'd befriend the local librarian and just stay in and read books instead.
Your friendship group sounds like a high school cheerleading squad. Time to find healthier and more mature friends me thinks.
Early, it infuriates me that it's one person causing all the aggro. Although the others are enabling it so aren't much better really.
Goodness me, why do you keep contact with her?
And why is it a problem for you all to meet up without her? What power does she hold over you all?
Get rid! She sounds very toxic.
The others wouldn't meet up without her, suburphobe. I think they all just like to moan about her and say how upsetting she is, but then go back for more of the same treatment. I've tried getting a few of us to meet up before without her and they were all saying "But what about Friend A? We can't leave her out, she'll go mad"
One of the others is particularly annoying me; she seems to have had Friend A's measure for quite some time and has noticed lots of nasty things Friend A has done, but now I've spoken up she is very much on the fence and has said to me how devastated she is that Friend A and I have "fallen out" and how it's such a shame
It sounds like a deleted scene from Mean Girls. Give these "friends" (all of them) a wide berth until they learn to stop acting like teenagers.
Friend A is not a friend, she's a vile, nasty little cow.
The rest of them, except the one you mentioned, sound spineless and pathetic tbh. I'd just ignore them and find other friends.
All you can do is lead by example. Hopefully for the sheep-like ones own sake's they'll see that you're a happier person without toxic A in your life and gain the strength to move on.
<muses>... Of course some could be suffering from 'car-crash' 'friend' watching syndrome... vicariously enjoying the spats? A little like lurking on a really bun-fighty AIBU thread ? I'll admit to remembering getting some entertainment out of watching the escalation of hostilities between two rather alpha-ish mums in the playground back in primary days. I don't think I'd have found it funny if the children had been present, but it was all kicking off in the ten minutes before they were let out.
Is she called Wendy ?
Sounds like you need to distance yourself and find some new friends.
One she has literally bullied for years, as they have been on benefits for a while, hassling her all the time (loudly) about whether or not she and her DH have jobs yet, suggesting things this girl could do, saying they are a drain on society, all done nastily to embarrass the poor girl.
Yet this girl is defending her, and seems prepared to lose me as a friend. Perhaps she likes being bullied?
Have you responded to these messages from the others and if so how?
Yes I've just calmly replied that I think Friend A was out of order and I'm not prepared to sit back and be accused of something that I didn't say.
They all seem to think I have the wrong end of the stick and that "poor" Friend A didn't mean me to take offence like that.
I can see that she is behind what they're saying, like a puppeteer pulling their strings.
I'd just disengage from them. Keep them on FB (apart from A of course) so that you're still in the loop and when she turns her attention to her next victim watch the fall out from afar.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.