To have a rant about dh not waking in the morning to look after baby

[apachepony]

I am ebf my 3 mo, we are cosleeping and I look after all night wakings. We are currently on holiday staying with relatives, but when working, dh generally leaves the house between 10 and 11. Baby generally wakes about 7.30 and 8.30. I will feed him and chat to him, then after about 30 to 40 mins, I will ask dh to look after him so I can grab a shower or have breakfast in peace, and he always says he's exhausted and needs more time, or he's working, and can get annoyed if I persist. We've just had an argument cos I went into him at 8.45 after baby woke at 8am, he said he'ld had a bad night and needed "5 more minutes" and I got annoyed. I went back in at 9.15, and then we had the argument. He says every time he looked in at me during the night we were sleeping. Baby and I were awake for 2 hours with fussiness an trapped win between 4.30 and 6.30, with baby squealing to wake the household (although not apparently dh who is sleeping in another room as this bed isn't big enough for all 3). He had now got the baby and is in a strop. if he did have a bad night, it was probably contributed to by his drinking, which he does most nights any way. AIBU to be annoyed?

[Shutupanddrive]

YANBU, he sounds like a lazy sod

[apachepony]

Also to say, we were awake other times too but as cosleeping, not fully awake - at the same time, it's not proper deep sleep either.

[Feminine]

He is an ass.

I'm sorry , but things really need to get sorted between you.

I can't imagine anyone here will say you are being unreasonable. You can show him this thread.

Good luck.

[dreamingbohemian]

Does he work nights? What time does he go to bed?

On the face of it, a man who's had a solid night sleep in his own bed should have no problem taking care of his own child at 9 am!

[StuntGirl]

He's a lazy sod. He shouldn'y need continually asking to take care of his child. It's not like you're waking him at 3am is it?

Can you organise a system with him where you alternate which days you wake with the baby, so you both get one lie in a week? And during the holidays it should be every other day each, or something else so its equal and fair.

[apachepony]

He doesn't work nights, f

[apachepony]

We can't easily alternate waking as I bf, but there is no reason why he can't look after him for a while. We have made peace and are watching tv together with baby snoozy feeding, but this argument every morning is pissing me off. He's not a morning person - neither am I by nature - but with a young baby in the house there shouldn't be an option!

[catsmother]

YADNBU - and he's a selfish lazy sod.

I bf both mine and obviously you're putting in the lion's share of the effort as a result - cosleeping is not truly satisfactory sleep wise for a mother (or at least it wasn't for me) and being woken in the night isn't much fun either. I can't see what the hell is so bloody hard about being asked to mind his own child at gone 8am (at the earliest) so you can eat, shower and dress in peace - which I'm guessing might take all of 45 mins or so. When, exactly, are you supposed to shower ?

He actually sounds like he has it pretty good if he doesn't usually leave until 10 or 11 each day.

[gloucestergirl]

My husband was like this when DD was born. Apparently he suffered from disturbed sleep, didn't like the smell of nappies and the crying hurt his ears!! So I had a right go at him. I also underlined how much work was necessary and how little he did by walking out the door and made him come and meet me in town with DD before he went to work. Looking after DD for a whole 3-4 hours opened his eyes and made him appreciate how hard it is. I don't if this would work for you. It worked for me as DH is basically unthinking rather than selfish.

BTW does your partner do much when he comes back from work?

[dreamingbohemian]

You need a different system.

From now on, it's not about you going in every morning and 'asking' him to watch his own child for a bit, he should just know he is 'on duty' from 9 until he goes to work. That way you know you have this time every morning to do what you need to do.

If he's not working nights then how on earth could this be a hardship? 9 am! That's not difficult.

How much is he drinking?

That's not going to help him be a morning person, is it? but that shouldn't be your problem. If he can't handle getting up for 9 am after a night of undisturbed sleep he has serious problems.

[apachepony]

He's not as bad as some men I see discussed on here - we alternate cooking, and he probably does a bit more cleaning (when he's here - I do all tidying during day obviously) as he has lower mess tolerance than me, he does his own laundry, and he will bring me drinks etc when I am bf/baby is sleeping on me. He just is awful in the mornings - this is going to be a real problem when I go back to work, as my work is about double the work and stress of his (dreading it already but that's for another thread)...I still don't think I'm being u? Especially as that's when baby is at his happiest. When baby is grouchy he tends to just thrust him at me (even if hinger not the issue) but not sure if that will change when I stop bf.

[CinnabarRed]

How come he doesn't leave the house until 10AM? What time does he come home?

[CinnabarRed]

(The point of asking, BTW, was because if he works shifts until 3AM, say, then he might have more of a point that if he's home by 7PM.)

[apachepony]

Hunger not hinger! Also we have cleaner so not too much cleaning to do.

[apachepony]

His work hours vary every day but generally he is finished between 4 and 6 (sometimes earlier, sometimes later). His work gives him the opportunity to have coffee with friends most days so with exception of maybe a day or two a week is not too intense

[apachepony]

I do want to engineer so he looks after ds for 3 to 4 hours as apparently I just watch tv all day. However he can be hard to pin down on when his days off are and he has been doing other things - with reasonable excuse - on his most recent days off. Soon though I will try to organise it so he can't just hand baby back to me after 5 minutes!

[catsmother]

So he usually has a pretty short - compared to many - working day, gets back at a very reasonable hour - 4pm!! - and is able to lie in until 8am at the earliest before anything is asked of him. Depending on when baby wakes up this might be as late as gone 9am. Those hours are a luxury most people would bite his hand off for, let alone if you're a parent.

So - he's not a morning person. So bloody what - tough shit. Being a parent takes priority over being a morning person and babies have two parents who both need sleep (although bf mothers inevitably draw the short straw there) and who both need to get washed and dressed. What you're asking from him is nothing in the greater scheme of things, especially as, like you say, a just fed baby is probably going to be pretty content and easy going.

I just don't know what he expects you to do. I guess he'd say you take the baby into the bathroom with you - maybe in a bouncer ? - but why the hell should you have to do that and feel harried as a result of trying to keep one eye on him when there's another able bodied adult in the house who should be quite capable of minding his own son for a short time ? What's more, another adult who's almost certainly had more sleep than you have.

I don't know how you can knock this into his head. Maybe you'll have to draw up a list of what needs to be done in the morning, divide it up fairly and physically thrust it under his nose so he can see you can't be in two places at once. Ask him why he thinks he's so much more important than you are so an extra few minutes of sleep for him (who's already had an undisturbed night) take priority over you freshening up - which is pretty vital when your own sleep's been disturbed and you feel groggy.

Okay ... he might not be a complete twat in the house generally but his good points in other areas don't remove the fact that both of you have things you need to do in the morning as well as the baby needing to be minded, and you can't do it all. He's clearly decided he doesn't like being woken up in the morning and doesn't like looking after his own child first thing so has refused to do it. So what if he later cooks in the evening ? - that doesn't solve what needs to be done in the morning. We all have stuff we don't like doing but have to do nonetheless - he's behaving like a bratty stroppy 7 year old. He's supposedly a big boy now and will need to find his own solutions to the stuff he doesn't "like" such as going to bed a bit earlier if he's really not getting as much sleep as he needs - but no way should it be you being placed under unnecessary stress when you're already at a disadvantage from getting less sleep than he does.

I really hope you sort this out soon - and long before you have to go back to work. It's not just selfish, it's really mean.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

YANBU

Tell him it's called being a parent, your child has two of them and to start pulling his weight in the morning.

[Happydotcom]

Yanbu.

I'm not a morning person either but I have done every morning with ds since I came out of hospital with him 23 months ago).

My H doesn't get yo until 1100 as he's on 'flexi time'

I could kill him sometimes.....the sense of entitlement :(

( apologies for a mini hijack!)

[sleepingsatellite]

YANBU. This is a sore subject in our house.

I used to be a morning person until I was around 20weeks with DS2 when horrendous insomnia kicked in and never left. I've been surviving on 2-3 hrs sleep a night, and DS2 is nearly 10m old. I'm shattered to the point where I rarely drive anymore as I dont feel safe. Will DH get out of bed first on the weekend to sort the boys out for me? No, unless I actually boot him out of bed, where I will then get called a moody cow etc!

I really feel for you, where they get their sense of entitlement from I have no idea.

(joins Happydotcom in apologies for hijack!)

[apachepony]

You're not hijacking at all! It seems to be a common problem so. In the first few weeks when I was destroyed with tiredness I would ask him to take baby downstairs in the morning so I could grab even half an hour sleep undisturbed without worrying about rolling over ds beside me. Did it ever happen? No.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

My god if DH had ever refused to get up with DS he would have had his balls cut off! He has never ever refused, he willingly offers so I can have a lie in. Because he's his Dad.

Why do some DH's see their sleep as more important? Also, why do you ladies tolerate it? I'm interested to know.

[sleepingsatellite]

I dont tolerate it as such, its more that I've sort of given up expecting him to just asume that someone who is seriously sleep deprived and trying to cope alone with a 3.6yr old who has morphed into the worlds moodiest teenager and a 9m old with reflux and food allergies, would like some help without having to ask constantly. He says I nag, maybe I do, but he just cannot seem to see my point.

[DeadWomanWalking]

Bloody hell, what a selfish git! When dd1 was a baby (she was a terrible sleeper), I would go to bed at 10pm and DH would do all feedings until 3am, when I would take over. It meant I could get 5 hours of uninterrupted sleep before being up for most of the night. He had to get up for work at 7am, and didn't get home until 7pm most nights. I never even had to ask he just did it, we were equal parents from the start.

He needs to grow up and realise this parenting marlarky isn't something you can pick up and put down as and when you feel like.

[apachepony]

I don't know why I tolerate it. I'm tryin to address it by bringing ds into him each morning but I'm sick of this continual argument. I'm also really surprised as I expected him to be an equal parent. I know bf does mean that's not possible in the early days, as well as being off work on maternity leave meaning it's natural to do a little more round the house. Also I would rather do baby care than housework I guess so maybe this leads to me voluntarily taking on the biggest shar of this. Before I had ds I looked with bemusement at female work friends with long working days who seemed to be the ones solely responsible for childcare. I assumed it would be more equal in my relationship, and yet it isn't.