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AIBU to accept or not

(25 Posts)
bongobaby Wed 27-Mar-13 09:31:36

My dc fathers has not paid child support for the last 6 years since dc was 4. He has done everything in his power to avoid any attempt to the CSA in paying. I said to exp that it,s reasonable to pay £200 a month to which he said over my dead body will you get a penny out of me.
So for the last few years the CSA have chased him to which now things have moved on and legal action is being taken against him. Last few days he has become very irrate and approached me saying he would do a deal with me if I tell the CSA that he has been paying me since 2011 and he will give me a car plus payment per month.
When I said this is out of my hands he started swearing and shouting down the phone at me. I feel as though he is harrasing me and trying to back me into a corner. I said I don,t trust him to make any sort of payments hence why the CSA are involved to which he said he don,t trust me with our DC!!
He refuses to pay any Government money for DC and will only go through me direct. Should I do this, I feel hassled by him.

ChippingInIsEggceptional Wed 27-Mar-13 09:34:37

You would be completely and utterly MAD to lie for him. Don't do it. If he hassles you again tell him you will contact the police.

Doesn't trust you with his DC - pft. What a twat.

Teachercreature Wed 27-Mar-13 09:37:16

He IS harassing you! If that continues you can even involve the police - a friend of mine had to.

I think though I'd start with giving Citizen's Advice a ring and see if you can get some help. (I agree I wouldn't trust him to pay either!) Best of luck to you.

ENormaSnob Wed 27-Mar-13 09:37:40

You would be utterly stupid to go along with this.

Let the csa collect what's owed from the conniving, selfish cunt.

CloudsAndTrees Wed 27-Mar-13 09:37:52

No, don't do it! Stick with the plan, and do not respond to him. When he asks, tell him you are not prepared to discuss it.

He had his chance to do a direct deal with you at any point over the last six years. He chose not to take it. The consequences he has to deal with now are a direct result of his own actions, and he had plenty of warning of what could happen if he didn't pay. He doesn't deserve an ounce of sympathy.

Shutupanddrive Wed 27-Mar-13 09:38:15

NO WAY!!!! Do not accept this offer, you will get nothing and he will tell CSA you lied if he doesn't get his own way. He has no intention of paying you

Phantomteadrinker Wed 27-Mar-13 09:39:48

Nope, don't do it, you gave nothing to gain and everything to lose if you lie. Don't let him bully you, Csa are on your side, let them fight for you smile

KindleMum Wed 27-Mar-13 09:41:20

You'd be a fool to accept this. Do it the proper, legal way.

DontmindifIdo Wed 27-Mar-13 09:42:39

Oh lord don't accept - if he genuinely wanted to fund his children, he'd have done it before now. At best, he'll pay for 3-4 months, long enough to be certain that you've got to start from scratch again with the CSA and that will stop. I would put good money on any car he produced being bought on credit so you'd haveto take over the payments or lose it too.

bongobaby Wed 27-Mar-13 09:45:14

He spoke to me about this four times now in the last week and last night he just ranted down the phone. He has a temper on him and I feel that he is beginning to lose it. He brought up the fact that my relationship with my parents is not so good and that this is now what I want between him and our DC. Not true at all as he sees DC, how I threw him out 9 years ago!! For goodness sakes I,m a reasonable person but when he carries on like this I feel like I should back down as he is so unreasonable.
The CSA have been very helpful and I don,t want to lie to them.

YouTheCat Wed 27-Mar-13 09:49:30

Don't lie for him. He should have been paying and if he had he wouldn't be getting taken to court for money owed.

Totally his own fault.

Log the harassment and tell him that he must not contact you about this matter again.

tiggytape Wed 27-Mar-13 09:49:32

Don't do it.
The only reason he has any (fleeting) intention of contributing is that things have got official. If you lie to the CSA to get them to back off, things will stop being official and he'll stop paying you. I think he has made that very very clear by his past actions and his anger now that this is the case.

I'd also be very wary that lying to the CSA now and telling them you have received money for 2 years could get you into a lot of trouble.
Wouldn't it be fraudulent of you to take money directly from a man and at the same time get the CSA to take legal action against him for this money. It would be like admitting you'd tried to get the money paid twice and lied about finanacial statements.
It could also mean that you lose any other benefits - afterall if you lie and say he's been paying you money, then it follows that you've also lied for 2 years about your income by not declaring this imaginary money to anyone.

ScentedNappyHag Wed 27-Mar-13 09:49:32

Don't. My mum agreed similar when she left my dad and regretted it. Don't do it.

Dawndonna Wed 27-Mar-13 09:52:53

Tell him that you will contact police and solicitors if he doesn't stop ringing you and shouting at you. AND DON'T BACK DOWN!

Wewereherefirst Wed 27-Mar-13 09:53:14

Stand your ground. If he calls to discuss this further tell him to speak to the CSA and then put the phone down.

You do not need to listen or respond to his bullshit. You will end up in trouble.

Also call the CSA and tell them that he has asked you to lie for him to avoid legal action. It will all compound the case he will have against him.

YouTheCat Wed 27-Mar-13 09:54:39

Keep any texts he's sent about this as evidence.

bongobaby Wed 27-Mar-13 09:58:34

Thing is he has already lied to the CSA for years and now I have found out through them that he has been telling them that he has been paying me directly. which is a blatant lie. They did manage to take money out of his bank account once but he went mad and told them to pay it back to him. To which they did as apparently through their mistake of not getting his permission to do so they had to pay it back to him!!
I have no intention of lieing to CSA but I am very aware of his volatile temper as he is very angry and I should probaly now watch my back and be concerned for DC as he will not let this go.

RenterNomad Wed 27-Mar-13 10:00:18

Oh, he will only go through me direct?

If you consider his statement carefully, it's clear thst it's a lie. It's if he "goes direct" that he won't pay.

YouTheCat Wed 27-Mar-13 10:02:22

Leave it for the CSA to sort. If you feel he is a threat, go to the police so it is logged and log any subsequent harassment so they can deal with him. He thinks he's above the law. He isn't.

bongobaby Wed 27-Mar-13 10:05:53

Thats just it he does think he is above the law and the exception when it comes to paying his way. I feel bloody bullied and being on my own is hard to deal with when he comes to the house to collect for access. He is very demanding,angry and manipulative. Ido tell him to go through the CSA and he just loses it telling me I,m a difficult bitter bitch.

RenterNomad Wed 27-Mar-13 10:13:25

Oops, rather a lot of cross-posts!

bongobaby Wed 27-Mar-13 10:17:35

Renter Is this his attempt to get out if this altogether by trying to bully me into going direct. He said that he will never pay CSA a penny which would mean me never ever getting anything out of him. But he needs to realise that he needs to step up.

tiggytape Wed 27-Mar-13 10:21:54

I'd forget any intentions of appealing to his better nature or getting him to see reason. If he was a responsible person he'd already be paying you without any hassle at all. Many fathers do so willingly because they want to help their children not because the CSA or anyone else hassles them into it.

He wants you to drop CSA action because for the first time it looks like he may have no choice and they will take this money from him. If you lie to call them off then he regains the power of deciding whether or not to pay you (and I think you can guess which one he will decide!)

RenterNomad Wed 27-Mar-13 10:42:16

But the CSA can take it, surely? So saying they can't/ he won't is a lie.

He's lying and bullying to spare himself humiliation (trying to transfer the humiluation back to you and DC, with "interest" of hardship)!

DontmindifIdo Wed 27-Mar-13 10:44:27

Look, you have two options, you go with him direct, knowing that in about 6 months or so he'll stop paying you directly and you'll have no recourse to CSA or you can say "no, you've had your chance to go direct, you didn't want to so now we'll leave this with CSA" - he's only offering anything now because he has realised he might just not be above the law and the might be able to take the money direct. If he still thought there was no chance they could get the money from him, then he wouldn't be making you an offer and shouting now.

He's panicking because even though he's telling you that the CSA won't get a penny from him, he no longer believes that. He thinks this time it might not work and the CSA might be able to take money from him. That's why he's trying to bully you into stopping it - if he really really thought he could continue the way he has been then he would be continue the way he has been, ie. not offering you a penny and treating the whole thing like a joke.

Think about it, it's been years of the CSA chasing him and him doing nothing about it. Now suddenly it's gone legal, I assume he's got legal advice and has been told that he's fighting a losing battle.

He is lying to you, he's trying to bluff you into thinking he's got a strong hand - but by the very fact he is both trying to threaten you and make you offers, suggests he's realised it's unlikely he'll win this one. (OK, he still might, but remember, he doesn't think he will now, that's important.)

If he makes any more threats, call the police.

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