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to think I'm not being selfish, I know it's not about me but I can still be upset?

(35 Posts)
ParadiseChick Wed 27-Mar-13 09:08:53

DD is 8.

this time last year the school put in some referrals because they were concerned about her organisation, reading etc. We've attended umpteen appointments, been to OT's and SALT and all sorts and now we have some diagnosises in place. She's dylexic, presenting with DCD (dyspraxia) and the icing on the cake came on Monday when we were told she's also short sighted and will need glasses. I think the glasses thing hit me hardest. I'm as blind as a bat (even lazers won't fix my eyes) and I just really didn't want her to go through the same as me. She's upset about the glasses as well. I was taken a back as we had her eyes tested 18m ago and were told they were fine. We then went to an optromonist on the recommendation of the school thinking it would be more about coloured overlays etc. but it was clear from the start of the test it was her actual vision that needs attention first.

So the past 12 weeks have been pretty full on, appointments, tests ect. I'm really glad we now have a handle on everything that is going on and we can now start to get all the support in place and help her the best we can. I've bought everything thats been recommended to us from weighted cushions, sit and move cushions, pencil grips, putty, books etc. I've been doing all the extra ex recommended, the reading from the school etc. I'm totally on top of this, supporting DD.

I just wish none of this was there. I feel so sad for her. I know in the grand scheme of things it isn't that bad, there are a lot of people coping with things that are a lot worse but I'm just sad for her. Does that make sense? She's very bright, scored higher than average in all the actual intelligence aspects of the dyslexia tests, just needs help getting it all out. She flaps her hands when she's worried, excited etc, her movements become very exaggerated.

It's not dissapointment, I love her and every aspect of her personality, she is perfect. I'm just struggling to come to terms with it all.

I feel bad as she's sat in on so many appointments with me, listening to me talking about her and her issues that she wasn't even aware off. I've explained to her that all these people are just here to help her be the best she can and she might hear mummy telling them things about her but it's just so they've got all the information they need to help us.

She cried and cried about the glasses last night. I held her close, and cried a few tears too. I don't want to make this all about me, I know it isn't about me and she hasn't seen me upset. My DH has been there every step of the way as well, he just seems to deal with things better. He's dyslexic too and doesn't really see it as a big deal, and I know it's not. She's not doing things wrong, just differently.

Anyway, last night I called my mother to tell her all this and I got upset on the phone. She told me to get a grip (I've had such a grip on it all, I just let it slip last night) and that it wasn't about me, basically that I have no right to be upset about it.

AIBU to feel like this? My head is bursting with infomation, suggestions and details I just don't know what to do with it all.

UtterflyButterfly Wed 27-Mar-13 09:13:28

Oh chick, of course you just want life to be perfect and trouble free for your DD, because you care about her so much. You've been through a lot, but at least now you know what you're dealing with and you can, as you said, help her to be the best she can.

When you first have a baby you have so many expectations and hopes for them, and problems like these never enter your head. But, in the grand scheme of things, they're not unsurmountable, and she'll be fine. You can get some pretty cool glasses now too!

Queenofknickers Wed 27-Mar-13 09:15:34

You have every right to feel how you feel. So sorry you and DD going through such a hard time. That was extremely unhelpful of your mum - you are doing brilliantly xxthanksthanksthanksthanksthanksthanksthanksthanksthanks

weebarra Wed 27-Mar-13 09:17:24

Of course YANBU. It sounds like you've been having a tough time, that you are doing your very best for your DD and you are allowed to feel a bit sad and a bit overwhelmed.
It doesn't mean that your being selfish in the slightest.
My DS1 has just been diagnosed with a genetic condition (neurofibromatosis) and everyone has been asking how I can be so pragmatic about it when I don't know what the prognosis is.
Truth is, I'm not that pragmatic, I'm just dealing with it best I can, just want to do the best for my boy.

Strangemagic Wed 27-Mar-13 09:18:09

I know exactly how you feel,my son got dx with asd ,dypraxia when he was 5,he is my pfb and in my eyes totally perfect,of course you can be upset you fight for your children and you love them and it sounds like you are doing a great job,be kind to yourself and good luck.

proudmum74 Wed 27-Mar-13 09:25:35

YANBU - I know it's tough (my DD is severely disabled), but it genuinely gets easier once you get over the shock of it. Just take time to be kind to yourself - have you tried posting in the SN board?

If it helps, I'm also dyslexic, it didn't get picked up until I was at university, but it hasn't held me back - I still managed to get a maths degree & have managed to get to senior management level at work. She may need more help initially, but she should still manage to go on to and do all the things she wants to.

We're lucky (?) that DD has had these since she's 8 mths old, so was too young to be upset by them, but they have some really nice styles nowadays - would it help if she took her friends along to help her pick them? To try and make them more of a fashion accessory.

Messandmayhem Wed 27-Mar-13 09:28:20

I understand, my son was diagnosed with probable neurofibromatosis and for a while I was so sad about the fact that his life / health may not be simple and he may have hard times. It passes, and you come to terms with it, but for now it might be helpful to make sure you voice the sadness you feel and let yourself grieve for the perfect life you wanted for your daughter. She is a perfect version of the person she is supposed to be, and that is all that matters flowers

weebarra I can't pm you from my phone, but I hope you are ok too flowers

bluesbaby Wed 27-Mar-13 09:37:10

Definitely not BU

I think it's one of the most natural things to feel hurt and sad on behalf of your children

fuzzpig Wed 27-Mar-13 09:37:13

YANBU.

Nobody wants to see their child struggle! And it's hard to accept it when we have created that child - although it is absolutely not the parents' fault, it's difficult not to feel guilty and sad.

You have done brilliantly getting so much help for her though. I had so many issues that went unnoticed (parents weren't what you could call attentive hmm) and it has really messed me up into adulthood. You sound like really supportive parents though, your DD will go far smile

ParadiseChick Wed 27-Mar-13 09:41:17

Thank you everyone, I feel more normal now!

My mum is a bit narc herself, so totally worried about turning into her.

She will go far, we'll make sure of it! She's deciding between being a road sweeper or an engineer (like her daddy) right now. I just want to take it all away but am slowly realising these things are her.

<<HUGS>> and thanks to everyone

WinkyWinkola Wed 27-Mar-13 09:56:47

Lucky girl having a mother like you, op. she will most definitely go far with that kind of support.

Fwiw, are glasses cool on your dd's school now? In my dcs school, the kids covet glasses and seem mad keen to have poor eyesight to wear them!

MaryRobinson Wed 27-Mar-13 10:03:03

You and your girl sound lovely and your Mum sounds like a bitch (sorry but she does). Have you a good friend you can have a cup if tea with?

soontobeslendergirl Wed 27-Mar-13 10:07:06

Some children are getting fake glasses with normal glass in them as they are a fashion accessory.

My eldest has ben wearing glasses since he was 6 - his eyesight went from perfect to really bad in the space of about 18 months. He had new glasses every few months and it eventually settled down when was about 9 or 10. We felt really guilty that we hadn't spotted it but it honestly can happen so fast. He is now 12 and does have contacts that he rarely wears - about have his class have glasses and most of them have braces on their teeth. It's very normal no-one gets any grief for it.

there are loads of fashionable glasses about and we pay to get No1 son's thinned down to look nicer and be less heavy as he has a really strong prescription.

armagh Wed 27-Mar-13 10:09:53

Mothers - Who'd have em!!!
Except you - you sound like a great Mum.

tiggytape Wed 27-Mar-13 10:10:45

YANBU - we have gone through a very similar time recently and it isn't disappointment at all - it is not wanting your child to have a difficult life which is probably how most parents feel. Don't feel guilty about that.

We also had to move on from assuming that DD would just grow out of various problems to realising that this is long-term which has taken some adjusting to. Like you, I hated the appointments where we have to admit (in front of DD) to various professionals that she cannot do many things she's expected to. It made me feel like I was betraying her - criticising her to strangers almost. That sounds a bit odd but I wanted to protect her from thinking that we'd all noticed something was wrong or had been secretly judging her inability to do things.

And the exercises, treatments, appointments and advice can be overwhelming too - I feel guilty some days that we've done one lot of exercises but not the others because there's been no time or that I should be more proactive saving up or looking for more things that might help. You feel propelled on a route you weren't expecting and it is a bit of shock.

You sound like you are doing a brilliant job of supporting her so don't feel bad about it all.

Daisy17 Wed 27-Mar-13 10:11:05

So unfair, you'd bottled it all up to be strong for your daughter, and needed to let it all out to someone else. That's what mothers are for! Very unhelpful of her. Don't assume you are like her. You sound like a lovely mum who will see her daughter through to happiness and success. Good luck!

ParadiseChick Wed 27-Mar-13 10:13:00

She picked an amazing pair, way cooler than the my little pony ones I had at her age that took up half my face Dedrie Barlow style!

They are quite thick framed, black with shocking pink inside. I quite fancy them too but don't think that would go down to well.

I was trying to tell her about the coolness of glasses, pointed out that I wer them and I'm cool. She begged to differ about my coolness, which kind of hurt grin

My own scrip is really strong, I get my lenses thinned. She doesn't need that yet but her eyes are likely to get a bit worse.

ParadiseChick Wed 27-Mar-13 10:15:26

Tiggy that is exactly it. so many little things we just put down to her being her and now I feel like I should have added it all together sooner.

The talking to the professionals in front of her was horrid. I tried a few times to avoid it but it wasn't always possible when you've got one appointment and they want to hear from me with history and assess her at the same time.

stressyBessy22 Wed 27-Mar-13 10:16:17

WEll I'm with your mother on this one.
She is going to be able to see properly, surely that is a reason for celebration!. To cry about her needing glasses in front of your daughter is bang out of order IMO
YANBU to feel upset about all of this but YABVVVU to let your DD see you upset.There is only one way she can interpret this.POor poor kid

LilyAmaryllis Wed 27-Mar-13 10:16:59

I remember my brother crying at the news that he needed to wear glasses. Its OK to be upset. But, things have moved on- he had to wear NHS glasses cos that's how it was then! At least your daughter has picked a pair she likes. Later when she's older she has the option of contact lenses?

ParadiseChick Wed 27-Mar-13 10:18:07

I wasn't crying in front of her.

She was crying, I was cuddling her in and a few fat silent tears fell from my eyes.

ParadiseChick Wed 27-Mar-13 10:18:51

The irony is at the last eye test she was pouting about not getting to pick a pair of glasses!

soontobeslendergirl Wed 27-Mar-13 10:21:39

My son's glasses are -6.75 - I feel blind with my -3.5 sad

ParadiseChick Wed 27-Mar-13 10:27:54

I'm -11!

He's -1.75 and -1 and apparently (from the bit of useful chat I did have with mum) I was -5 when I first got specs so I take heart from the fact she's not as bad as me.

It's the sheer dependency I resent. Like if they get knocked of my bedside table during the night, I simply can't find them! DD has came through to help before, it's not like it happens all the time but it's a horrible feeling and all that goes through your head is 'I can't see, I'll put my glasses on, I can't find them, I can't see' it's horrible!

Once at school some total cows were giving me a hard time and one of them just took my glasses off my face. It was the worst feeling in the world, I was totally helpless and they were all laughing at me.

Not to mention all the 'give us a shot' that happens and people not realising I can't even bloody see you with my glasses and and you just feel a bit shit when they are all laughing at how weird everything looks with your specs on whilst I'm sitting there not even able to know whether I'm making eye contact or looking at someones chin whilst I laugh along.

<<issues>>

soontobeslendergirl Wed 27-Mar-13 10:30:32

That sounds awful, but seriously the world has moved on....a lot smile

No1 son does put his glasses on first thing and doesn't take them of, but it's fine. He has prescription goggles for swimming too.

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