To ask for your collective sensible brains? (oh its long - bear with me)(8 Posts)
I don't know where to start with this one, it's totally out of my remit.
DS1's mate (19,nearly 20) and his fiancé (just 18) have a 4mth baby. Both have dysfunctional backgrounds.
Mates mother chucked him out when he was 17 (new BF, bit of a male struggle in the house, new BF didn't last long, mother has a history of successive BFs), he spent the best part of a month on my sofa with me arguing with SS and the housing office to get him a 'transition flat' with an alleged live in key worker.
Fiance, her mum similar with the successive BFs, plus mum has a dope problem. Fiance now in a 'young mums flat' (forgive me I don't know the proper terms, its in a neighbouring borough and we have no young mum provision here) with an alleged HV on site 24/7 who is never there.
So, tonight, mate comes round (not for the first time), he and fiancé have had another blazing row (I don't know why). Baby has just come out of hospital after a chest infection. Mate has sat in hospital till 4am every night, then gone home to kip, return to hospital, to let fiancé go home about midday to kip (shift work with being by babys side).
As I say, I don't exactly know what the rows are about, DS1 tells me it is her 'insane jealousy', that she want access to his phone - which he freely gives, but as they are both on blackberry and can see each others broadcasts etc and have that
stalker location app. She's perpetually accusing him of talking to/looking at/meeting other girls. She phones here if he's nipped out to see if he's really here. But he's with her 24/7 unless he's nipped to the shop, because she doesn't want to go out at all now.
So that's the background without all the he-said-she-said crap.
I've sat him down (again) and said he must take her to the Drs (she is diagnosed with depression) and talk through the fact that she is getting worse and PND must be discussed as a possible option.
She is obsessed that SS (she has SS intervention due to self harming years back plus her mothers current dope situation and younger half siblings) I've told her no one will take her baby away, that the SS will do everything to keep her baby with her/them, and if she wants someone to go with her to any meetings I'll go with her so she doesn't feel rail roaded by any SS suggestions and I can explain them to her.
I actually don't know what to do? She refuses to see the Dr again as she doesn't want increased medication because she isn't 'mad'. You know when you can see something isn't right and no one is doing anything about it? I've told Mate to see his own Dr to discuss his concerns re fiancé.
I really don't know what to do? I don't know her HV, her Dr (or his) I don't know where to direct him further to help her.
They actually make a lovely couple (when on an even keel), he adores her and the baby - but he is so ill equipped to deal with this.
So sad as sounds as though they men incredibly well.all you cm do is be there for them.would she go to counselling?to help her understand her feats and to try medication.
first things first. make sure that the baby is safe because 4 months is very young and as a couple they seem a bit more focussed on each other than on the baby. its not really for you to decide whether or not she is capable of caring adequately for the baby or not and some times having a baby fostered whilst mum sorts herself out is a good way to go. however none of this is anything that you can decide or prescribe. speak to social services, find out who her key worker is and speak to them directly. you are right to voice your concerns and they are lucky to have someone in their lives who is trying to help them to sort stuff out. they need the kind of specialist support that as a friend you cant offer but you are doing all that a good friend would - you are caring so well done to you. good luck and i hope you are able to find the right people to talk to in the morning.
Hand on heart, I'm not judging either of them - I genuinely don't know how to locate help for her.
If she won't admit everything is topsy turvy in her world, can I get her help?
The problem for me is they are out of borough - I don't know any HC professionals in their area, even though its only half a mile away.
Baby is safe, they are both totally focused on babys well being (tho' the rows probably don't help)
I've got him sleeping here on sofa tonight to give them both some breathing space.
I'm trying to not make this my issue - I need to make Mate take control of his family and I can sit behind making sure he/they understand what is happening (IYSWIM)
What did the mate say when you suggested he speak to his doctor? Does he understand the impact of PND or think it is something that will sort itself out in time?
I can see why in context the rows are worrying. As is the general background.
However, put a "normal" couple in their thirties in that situation and they are going to row. A baby in hospital, stressed about where to live, not being together as a family unit, doing shifts at hospital and probably not getting much sleep in between. Even the strongest, most together couple would row.
I agree they need help. But actually, its not just about her PND. They need help with stability and getting a stable home sorted. I dont know how you go about this OP but if you do decide to speak to a HCP try to discuss the full picture and not just the PND. She will feel ganged up on and like she is being criticised. But the PND isnt the only issue here.
I hope this makes sense. I'm quite tired.
I'm trying to make Mate take ownership of the whole thing.
With the best will in the world he's just not very switched on and does what people tell him - an example of this was Fiance had what I would call a depressive episode three weeks ago and the House Warden in fiancées complex said he should look after her all the time. The translation of that in his head was to not go to work for a week, but didn't think to tell any one because he'd been told to do something and assumed that everyone else knew. I think this is legacy of so much outside agency involvement in both their lives that they both assume that things just happen behind the scenes and everyone knows everything..
As I say, I'm trying to guide, without offering too much in the way of opinion and point in the right direction
I think that you are right in that they need a home together, both are in a hostel environment. Mate should have been moved into a flat of his own 18 months ago - as far as I'm aware, he's never even seen his key worker. When he got his transition flat, there was supposed to be someone come in, teach them basic cooking skills, money management, everything we take foregranted - it just never happened.
Back to the Fiances flat - I thought it was a mother and baby unit, but talking a little more in depth I'm not sure that it is, well it seems to be a private home rather than a state run one, but I suppose everything is contracted out these days. The woman that runs the house, owns it, she's supposed to be there 24/7 but frequently isn't as she owns other similar properties so Fiance isn't getting the support when she needs it.
What they both need is a decent set of parents behind them to support them and that just isn't going to happen. His mother is a bloody nightmare and hers seems much the same. I'm not prepared to step into that parental gap if I can avoid it. I'm not a relationship councillor. I've told him he's got to suck up her mood swings (big lecture here about hormones and body changes etc) not engage in any rows, see his own Dr to set wheel in motion for accessing support for the pair of them.
No suggestions, but I think you sound wonderful.
They may not have parents that care, but it's good that you care and are prepared to spend time trying to find solutions.
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