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To give them NOTHING for their wedding?

(263 Posts)
ariane5 Tue 26-Mar-13 20:27:59

SIL has owed us money for years-repeated attempts have been made to get her to repay but she rarely does, MIL is same AND BIL.

It is an ongoing issue and I've posted before about it.

SIL is getting married soon (huge lavish event £££) and sent us an invite-within which was a request for no present just cash in a card....

She still owes me £310 so I said to dh I am not giving them a penny.

Its bad enough I have to go to the wedding as can't stand any of dh family BUT dcs like their aunty and I can understand dh wants to see his little sister get married although I draw the line at giving the greedy sods any money. DH says he would but I have said over my dead body.


Gossipmonster Sat 30-Mar-13 17:17:17

I feel your pain OP.

I only ever hear from SIL/MIL/ OH's 17 yr old son when they want money.

OH is away at sea a lot and they never ever contact me to see if I am ok, SIL is on my FB and didn't even wish me a happy birthday, yet I am sure I will get a text soon enough seeing if I can butter up OH to give her holiday money or whatever that we will never see again. Last yr he gave her £400 as she was going on holiday abroad but was skint, just before Xmas he "lent" his mum £200 as she was skint (and she doesn't work GRRRRRR!).

Yes put a note in the card :D

CandyCrushed Sat 30-Mar-13 17:16:22

That will be fantastic if your eldest gets to go to the independant school. anything to make things easier. smile I am glad you had a chat with your brother. It must be hard to meet RL people as you don't drive and must be so busy with your Kids.
Are there any clubs or support groups locally? I know MN is a great resource but it can't replace real life relationships and support.
Will you have a bit more time now that you have stepped back from your mum and sister?
You needn't be shy of asking for help from local groups. You sound like you NEED help.

ariane5 Sat 30-Mar-13 14:58:06

Yes still hoping for dd1 to go to ind school (bursary is substantial, I have cut back on things and am saving what I can behind dh back, not a lot but luckily topping up fees isn't too bad due to brilliant bursary %).

I know I have posted a lot recently I just have nobody in rl to talk things through with and I feel so isolated sometimes.
That said my brother came to see me today, he was talking about the issues we have in our family and how difficult things are, he understrands but as I don't see him often we rarely get to talk.

nkf Sat 30-Mar-13 08:27:55

Tiredness is a symptom of depression. Go to the GP. And what about the online/phone CBT option? That could work for you if appointments are too hard.

Maryz Sat 30-Mar-13 00:14:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CandyCrushed Fri 29-Mar-13 23:54:00

I know MN etiquette is to try to treat each thread in isolation but your frequent and recent posts are so relevant to the problem this thread addresses it is hard to deal with it without considering what else id happening in your life. .

You really are having a tough time. Every aspect of your life seems to be a huge challenge and there is so much drama, all the time. I bet anyone in your position would feel stressed out. I certainly would. It is lovely to hear you speak so warmly about your children. You obviously think the world of them. (Do you think you are still able to get the eldest to go to the independant school?)

I know you had a SS referral before but do you think it might be worth looking into getting another one. Your situation is quite extreme and they may be able to offer some help or guidance.

That's good that you got outside, it helps.

Talk to your GP and see what they suggest.

I hope he (your dh) does as he says.

ariane5 Fri 29-Mar-13 21:05:37

Perhaps I should consider the anti ds then, I suppose if they lift my mood then that would help me deal with things.
Tiredness is a big factor too, that may sound silly especially as we have so many other things to deal with but the more exhausted I am the harder things are to deal with.

DH has been more willing today to talk to me, he admitted that SIL should have repaid the money and has agreed that on mon (the day mil has said she will have 20pounds for us) he will go to collect it and if as I suspect she doesn't have it he has promised he will tell her this is not good enough.

For him to even speak about it properly is progress I suppose but we will see on monday.

I took ds2 for a long walk today-first time I've been out of house in ages, I needed a break and time to think as I've been so stressed.

I swear by anti ds, I have bad anxiety and panic disorder without them. Plus they may help you to stay well as you may be able to cope a bit more?

Also I've done cbt online with a support worker who rang me up to keep check so don't rule that out.

ExasperatedSigh Fri 29-Mar-13 18:17:36

God almighty. This is one of the worst family situations I've ever read about on MN, and that's saying something. It sounds like you've spent the majority of your life being shat on, ariane - by family, your spineless slug of an h and your appalling in laws. That you are still standing is total kudos to you. A lesser woman would have buckled long ago.

If you genuinely want to stay with your h, I think your only option is to move far away from the grasping IL. Otherwise nothing will ever change, you will end up ground to nothing one way or another. Tell him that since he's incapable of defending his wife and children from the predations of his family, the only option is to remove yourselves from the situation completely.

Tbh I'd add that if he can't bring himself to do it, you'll be leaving with the children anyway. I know you are in such a hard situation with their health etc, but be honest, right now you are not living. And you deserve a full life smile

farewellfarewell Fri 29-Mar-13 16:50:10

OP I am sorry things are so difficult for you right now. Re the wedding either don't go at all, or go and certainly no present. Keep asking for your money back. Don't give up on that. You are doing your level best for your dc and you have my sympathies that your dh is not giving you more support re his family his mother sounds like a nightmare poor you. Family ties can be hard to break, it sounds like he can't do it? I think it is great that you are taking control of the finances and hope things start to improve soon now that he can't lend them any more money. Don't worry about dc hearing your argument, it seems to me that they are very lucky to have such a good mother, don't let yourself forget that you are doing your best and that is all you can do.

nkf Fri 29-Mar-13 16:24:58

I think anti-depressants can be wonderful. They won't change the problem. Only you can do that. But they can ease your painful feelings while you deal with other problems. And then sometimes once those problems are gone, you don't need the drugs any more.

ariane5 Fri 29-Mar-13 15:08:09

Yes I saw gp recently they always offer me annti depressants or cbt.

Cbt just another appt that I'm too tired to go to/cant arrange childcare for and I m not sure anti d would work-they won't change the underlying problems.

I have for last couple weeks had a lady from home start come round one morning a week and it has been a godsend, she sits and plays with dd2, she makes me a cup of tea and its so nice to have somebody else there for a couple of hours, I have been able to sit and feed the baby knowing dd2 is occupied and it has been a bit of a break if you see hwhat I mean.I am still knackered but it helps.

I have distanced myself recently from issues with my family as it was all too much for me trying to help them too.

The problem left is dh/mil/sil/money. Not sure what to do about that.

I thought as much sad Have you offloaded onto your GP? It's not right you don't get much help apart from dh.

Sparkeleigh Fri 29-Mar-13 13:39:53

Just a thought ariane5 - it's really your husband who has put your family in this position so could you make a list of some of his belongings with their values and say something like "ok, so you won't ask for the money back, but it's not fair that your children are suffering for it so this is what we can sell to make up for the debts?"

It doesn't sound like he's feeling the impact of his actions, just you and the children are.

ariane5 Fri 29-Mar-13 08:05:59

Iam exhausted and permanently run down.A lot of it is due to the demands of caring for dcs but being unhappy doesn't help much either.

Since end of dec I've had 4 courses of antibiotics and never get over one thing before I get something else.I'm just so busy/dont rest/dont eat well and am always stressed but I have no choice but to keep going.

I just keep hoping it all improves at some point. I have distanced myself from my family a bit this week (have issues with them but can't go into it all here) and although I feel guilty about it I know its meant I've not had to do even more than usual.

toffeelolly Fri 29-Mar-13 01:58:55

Do feel for you your dh needs to grow a pair ,sounds like he thinks more of his mother and sis than he does of you, it's up to him to get that money back .

It all sounds way too exhausting. I'm amazed you aren't unwell you must get run down?

ariane5 Thu 28-Mar-13 22:50:09

I could never earn as much as dh does (and he doesn't even earn that much!). I havnt worked since I was 18 and training/working would mean looking for specialist and probably expensive childcare due to all 4 dcs being unwell.I can't see how it could work.

Moving could be an option but would be difficult due to dh working for his brother and being v commited to that, not a bad thing but still a family tie I could do without (yes BIL owes us too-£200).

Counselling may work, I would certainly try it.

I have made moves this last week to really distance myself from toxic members of my family and I want dh to do same with his.

Finances are a big issue-I am still having to control every penny and DH needs to learn he can never lend to family again.

Don't know what to do about MIL she's a massive thorn in my side.Can't stand her she causes majority of the problems.

bigfuckoffpie Thu 28-Mar-13 22:34:34

ariane, I hope you're okay. You seem to be always trying to do the best out of a bad situation.

Is there anything more you could even consider? Like:

Moving - away from both families - you could both look for positions far away
Marriage counselling - although could see this might not work with childcare
Retraining - could you train to do something so you'd be the main earner?

Those particular suggestions might not be much use. But unless you make some sort of radical changes - and they will be hard - then you're always going to be stuck in the place you are now.

ariane5 Thu 28-Mar-13 21:18:22

I wouldn't be able to work, dcs need too much care due to illnesses so only 1 of us could work and DH can earn more than I could.

If we split up he would move straight back to his mums and then he would be straight back to lending.I want to stop him lending to them ever again and as I have had control over his cards/wages since jan he hasn't been able to.I am hoping he at some point can be trusted again but for now the finances are down to me.I still want the other debts repaid but I don't think mil/sil will.

I do love dh but he has made things so difficult.

MummytoKatie Thu 28-Mar-13 20:18:10

I suspect that when Cafcass said you dc should see family they meant their father - not a distant relative (and in my view grandparents are distant relatives unless they are a significantly positive impact on the kids.)

For what it's worth my mum's parents were what would now be called toxic (she called them "difficult"). Saw them occassionally but they weren't really part of my life. Can't say I've been damaged by it at all. Lots of happy childhood memories, did well at school, good job, happy marriage, lovely dd, ds on the way. All in all my life is pretty nice - I see myself as incredibly lucky.

nkf Thu 28-Mar-13 19:15:36

Or maybe you think of how to separate the money and the childcare. Don't stress about the money any more. Let it go. And concentrate on building up what you have. Can you earn? Can you earn more?

nkf Thu 28-Mar-13 19:14:15

He could still be a wonderful father but you would be splitting the care between two homes. Kids needs parents to feel as positive and buoyant as possible. They need mums who have the spectacles they need.

ariane5 Thu 28-Mar-13 17:06:32

To be honest we are not really much of a couple at the moment.

Don't have a spare room but dh sleeps beside dd2s bed anyway. I am fed up of things but wouldn't manage dcs if I was on my own.

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