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To consider using a sperm donor?

(100 Posts)
MintChocChip147 Tue 26-Mar-13 17:13:54

35 year old woman, not in a relationship, definitely want a baby. What are people's views on using a sperm donor?

Theicingontop Tue 26-Mar-13 17:16:29

Of course yanbu. It's your choice, if you have the resources available then why not? It shouldn't matter to you what other people think. Your body, your baby, your method.

LoganMummy Tue 26-Mar-13 17:16:41

Wow, that's quite a decision. I think as long as you have done your research and spoken to various people (professionals and people who have gone through this) then it's a brave decision but one that only you can make.

Have you considered how you would explain this to a child once they are older?

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Tue 26-Mar-13 17:18:21

As long as you are really quite financially sound then yeah, do it.

skratta Tue 26-Mar-13 17:21:11

Great! Please, if you really want a child, go for it! Think long and hard obviously, but go to a sperm bank for it, and then, if you are absolutely certain, I can't see the problem. My best friend had a sperm donor aged 42, and IVF, resulting in twins, and they have not been affected by lack of a father, rather they are loved by a mum who has recently told me she was embarrassing,t desperate.

If you love your child, and are prepared, go for it. Most people won't care about it, and who cares what they've hint anyway?

Seriously, if you want children, and ave the means for them, then sperm donation is just the means of conception. Good luck!

meditrina Tue 26-Mar-13 17:26:28

It's probably better for your health to used screened sperm from a licensed clinic than it is to go out and shag a random.

But lone parenthood is very hard work, and so you do need to be very sure that it's what you want to do and that you are in a good enough place financially and materially to look after a child (at the outset at least; we all muddle through whatever life throws at us, but it's usually better to start off affordable).

Kewcumber Tue 26-Mar-13 17:29:22

COntact Donor conception network they have a single parents section that may be able to help you think through the issues. I know several single paretns who have taken this route and don;t appear to have had any unusual difficulties in explaining it to their children.

However being a single parent by choice really does need thinking through (I am a SPBC). Financial stability helps dramatically and a healthy savings cushion and good local family support.

WeAreEternal Tue 26-Mar-13 17:29:44

A good friend of mine used donor sperm, but chose to tell all but a select few friends that she conceived from a brief fling with an unknown man (even her family think this).

Seven years later she has a lovely DS but I do think she feels sad about having to do it all alone.
He life is work and her DS, she rarely goes out and is still single, many times she has said that she is scared she will never find love.
She says she wants more children but doesn't want to do it alone again.
She is an amazing mother though.

As long as you are fully prepared to deal with it all though I don't see why you should do it. After all look how many unintentional single mothers there already are out there doing great jobs.

Kewcumber Tue 26-Mar-13 17:32:17

I don;t feel at all sad about doing it alone - it was my choice and I'm happy with it. You do have to accept life will be harder financially and emotionally than with a pratner.

Kewcumber Tue 26-Mar-13 17:32:48

Partner

Pratners on the other hand are a total waste of space and you're better off alone!

HairyGrotter Tue 26-Mar-13 17:37:59

I am a Lone Parent (not through sperm donation), I would think very long and hard about deciding on having a child without a partner or father involvement. There are plenty of pros and cons.

Financial security is advised, as is ensuring a good support network as it is extremely hard at times, but amazingly rewarding.

Ultimately, the decision is yours and yours alone, good luck

Kendodd Tue 26-Mar-13 17:38:01

A friend of mine used a clinic and sperm donor. Her family were horrified even not speaking to her for a while. After the baby arrived everyone was fine and delighted with the grandchild, a joy to everyone.

She says she thinks about the donor all the time though and wonders what he is like and even if she's met him.

Kendodd Tue 26-Mar-13 17:40:39

One thing I would add though is that I remember hearing on the radio once a piece about the (adult) children of SD and that often they have a real resentment about the lack of a father. I'll try to find a link because I might not have it right.

I'm doing this later this year.

The OP has said quite clearly that she would use a sperm donor - to me this sounds as if she would be doing it 'properly' and not using the 'shag a random' idea.

I don't think about my donor as anything other than someone who enables me to be a parent - I was quite surprised when my friend admitted she'd have romantic dreams about them! confused I suppose we're all different!

juneau Tue 26-Mar-13 17:49:22

My cousin did this at exactly your age. She's in Canada where you can do the whole thing anonymously. She had a beautiful little girl and is a happy, fully employed single mother with her own place and very supportive parents who are very involved in their grand-daughter's life.

It's entirely doable, as long as you have enough money and enough support. I wouldn't attempt it unless I had those two things.

PurpleStorm Tue 26-Mar-13 17:53:47

I think it's a decision that you need to think through very carefully - considering your financial situation and support network, as others have said.

But it's entirely up to you at the end of the day.

Frettchen Tue 26-Mar-13 18:02:15

I'm about 6 years behind you, but this is my plan, so if YABU then IABU.

I'm going to wait a few years so I can stockpile some money (ha!) and move to a more child-friendly house, but other than the necessary financial preparation I have no misgivings about doing it. I've told a few members of my family and some of them took a while to get on board, but once they realised it was what I wanted; not just some spur of the moment thing they seemed to accept it. (I think my mum's a bit desperate for grandkids; both my aunt and uncle have them.)

If it's right for you then YANBU. Simple as that. At least you'll have the knowledge going in that you'll be a lone parent rather than those unfortunate enough to reach that position without prior planning.

Cannierelax Tue 26-Mar-13 18:05:07

Fretchen- would you not consider being in a suitable relationship first and raising a child the traditional way?

Fretchen - most of us would like to be in a suitable relationship but have not found one.

When the choice falls so starkly between "raising a child the traditional way" and "not raising a child at all" most of us like to consider our options. Plus, so many of my friends are now divorced or separated; I'm not so sure that this way isn't traditional (single parent) - it certainly isn't unusual.

mistressploppy Tue 26-Mar-13 18:11:28

YANBU. As long as you do the research and above all are honest with yourself, I think it's the right thing to do

xigris Tue 26-Mar-13 18:22:43

My friend did this several years ago and has a beautiful son. She is a fabulous mother but at times feels lonely and wishes she had a partner. Having said that, she has not regretted having her son for a second and loves being a Mum. Had I not been lucky enough to meet DH then I would definitely have considered doing the same as I always knew I wanted to have a child / children. The only thing I would say, having had 3 DSs and spending a lot of time with my friend's DS, is to ensure you have some good male role models around if you have a boy as they really do need that male influence in their lives. Best of luck to you!

Pollykitten Tue 26-Mar-13 18:26:59

Modern life brings new decisions to make - go for it, just spend enough time thinking it through; have some quiet time and maybe think about how you would make space in your life for a man later, if you want that. Good luck!

Hesterton Tue 26-Mar-13 18:28:35

I have a friend who is looking into this. In the UK, where the cost os around £1800 a 'squirt', the resulting child (if there is one) has a right to know who his or her father is at 18 years old. They could well trace the donor and face rejection or a relationship of some sort.

In Denmark, you can still have the sperm totally anonymously but then you have the situation where the adult child has no rights to know who the father was.

With more and more genetics being part of medicine and the diagnosis of illnesses, from a practical level, knowing who your father is could be very useful.

It is a dilemma, and one she can't get her head around enough to actually proceed.

Hesterton, it's strange, but I had my head around it immediately grin I knew, pretty much from the outset, that I wanted to use donor sperm that was 'open' and that I wanted to have it shipped in from abroad as there is so much more 'variety' (for want of a better word.)

I had thought about this for a while but it was last summer I made my mind up, firmly and absolutely. I started researching the best ways - initially I was thinking in terms of straightforward insemination but this is low in its success rates so I have decided to go for the whole shebang - IVF + ICSI. Expensive but, if it works first time, the chesapest option in a bizarre sense.

I have told very close friends, and they have been overwhelmingly supportive and kind. I have tried to plan for every eventuality and have come to realise I can't, all I can be is the best parent possible.

thekidsrule Tue 26-Mar-13 19:04:39

i did but had a partner at the time

the only thing i would say is tell any child resulting when their young

the clinics advise this,and i was all for it,my partner not so,fast forward a few years i was then a single parent to twins (donor sperm) their non bio dad died tragically and in the next few years it was left to me to explain how they were concieved etc

it was the hardest thing i had to do,we are a work in progress concerning lots of emotions etc,the last couple of years have been very tough for them

i am racked with guilt wishing i had been honest from when young

good luck op

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