To wish my parents would stop pushing money on me?(76 Posts)
I realise I'm lucky to have 'well-off' parents to fall back on when times are tough, but their current financial interfering is really annoying me.
I've been a lone parent since my child was born. Ex pays monthly via CSA (approx £30) every now and then, as he goes from job to job. I am a self employed cleaner, which is a relatively new business venture for me, so not making millions quite yet.
Ever since my dd was born 5 years ago, my parents have been paying for stuff. E.g. they used to do a big monthly shop for me and have it delivered. They'd go and buy dd a new wardrobe of clothes twice a year. They'd steal my electric key when they'd come and visit, then go and top it up without me knowing until they'd returned with it.
I was very grateful for this help in the early days, as i was a new parent, and really struggling. However, once i found my feet, i felt as if they were babying me and asked them to step back, assuring them i'd ask them for money if i ever needed it.
However, in the past year, it's started up again. Only this time it's proper cash they're giving me. They visit once a week, and just as they're about to leave, they'll whip out £40-£50 and put it on the table for me.
My parents really struggled when my siblings and i were very young. They'd go hungry so we could eat etc. And my mum keeps saying she doesn't want me to be in that situation.
When i first started out in my cleaning business, my mum started hiring me for a ridiculously high amount of hours per week and insisted on paying me double my hourly rate. I told her i felt patronised, and wouldn't be doing it anymore when she refused to take me on as an average customer would.
I've told them time and time again that i don't want or need their money. But my dad says to save it then in case of emergencies (e.g. i need a new cooker/washing machine one day) and my mum says to stop refusing it as it insults my dad.
It's getting to the stage where i'm starting to discourage them from visiting me, as i don't want to deal with the awkwardness of them leaving me money.
And the main reason i'm fretting over this now is because of something that happened last week. I went to visit my parent's house on the Sunday. My dad was a bit drunk and tried pushing money on me again. I told him no, and then he said 'I know you keep refusing, but let's be honest, you'd be raging if i didn't give you any, wouldn't you?'
So, basically, he thinks i expect this money each week!
I knew this would happen. He's gotten into a habit of providing for me, and now feels he can't stop it or it will upset/anger me.
Sorry, this has become a much longer post than i thought it would be.
To summarise, AIBU to want them to stop pushing this money on me all the time? My friends think i'm really lucky and should stop complaining. I feel as though my dad thinks it's somehow his place to step in, financially, for dd's absent father. No matter what i do or say, he won't stop giving me money. On one occassion, he even posted it through the door one night when i was asleep because he knew i wouldn't take it from him.
It makes me really uncomfortable. I've expressed this to my parents yet they won't stop!
Gosh I wish I had this problem!!!
Sorry OP, not to be flippant but am really in a financial hell hole at the min.
Back to your post. I think you should calmly and clearly tell them all this - bearing in mind that they are only trying to help. Perhaps write it down?
They may be guilt-tripping you into accepting the money but no one is forcing you to spend it.
Set up a bank account and stick the money in it.
Put it all in a bank account for your DD.
If you've told them and they're still doing it, then I'd put it in a savings account for your DD. Your Dad's right in that your DD doesn't have a father who provides financially for her, not in any meaningful way. You're doing alright day-to-day on your own, more than alright really. But one day there might be something she needs- a deposit for a flat while she's at uni, help with driving lessons, anything- and you might not be able to help her. And instead of asking your Dad (or not helping her) you can whop out the emergency savings.
I do understand that there's something quite patronising about how they're behaving - I understand why you feel how you do.
But - you'll get the money sooner or later and if it makes them happy to feel that they're supporting/helping you now, then maybe you should let them. That urge to help will be born out of the hard times they had when you were young - if you've had a rough time of it then it's often really important that your child doesn't go through the same stuff (sweeping generalisation, but often you'll find materially spoilt children have parents who grew up with very few toys, etc).
Do you have any siblings? I'm sort of assuming from your post you're the only child.
Maybe one solution is that you accept the money and stick it in a savings account for your DD.
I would accept it and put it in an account for your dd.Tell your parents that that is what you are doing and send them regular statements of the account.Then if your dd needs anything big you have the money available.
They are trying to do a nice thing.
Open a separate bank account and put it all in there for your DD's uni fees or house deposit.
I don't think YABU to feel the way you do - I am in a similar situation (although to a much lesser extent) and it drives me mad.
I agree with the others who have said just stick it in a savings account and decide what to do with it in the future.
I don't think YABU. My PIL attempt to do this sort of thing and I find it increadably claustraphobic.
I also think it can be an attempt to infantalise an adult child.
How do you think they would react if you showed them this thread?
BTW I don't like the comment that you would be "raging" if they didn't press money on you. It seems manipulative to me.
Your parents sound fab actually - very well meaning and caring even if their actions are misguided in the light of you having said you don't want or need their money. I'm not sure how direct you've been about this - after all it's a pretty common place reaction to say "oh no I couldn't possibly" when someone offers you money when secretly you really need it. Maybe if you were to write to them and explain how much you appreciate their concern but you're doing okay now and you wish they'd spend their money on themselves, or perhaps even suggest that if they're really determined to do something for you they could save this money for DD's future. Tell them that you feel very blessed to know that you could absolutely turn to them in an emergency and reassure them that you'll do exactly that should you ever find yourself in dire straits etc etc etc.
You also sound fab too - to be so determined to be independent as I'm sure many people would take the money regardless - after all very few of us wouldn't be able to find anything to spend it on.
I hope you sort it out and don't all fall out and/or get insulted in the process as this is actually a very "nice" problem to have. I don't mean the money as such - but to have parents who care enough to be looking out for you the way they do. Sure, can appreciate it might be a bit embarrassing, suffocating or awkward, but I really do think their behaviour is done with the best of intentions. It doesn't sound, for example, as if they want to control you by bestowing money upon you as some parents might, and there may be an element of them wanting to "make it up" to you if they feel "regret" at you not having much as a child.
OP, I understand you perfectly, as something similar happened to me with my aunties. When I left home at 20 they insisted on giving me money, buying me food... they did it with the best of intentions, but I am a very independent person, and the point of me leaving home was precisely to prove to myself I could survive on my own. I had to have a very serious conversation (several, actually) with them, in which I have no doubt I hurt them deeply, telling them I would not accept any more money, and would only accept food if it was in a "let's have dinner at your house today" arrangement, that could go both ways.
They do it with the best of intentions, but it is offensive and patronizing. You are not a child or a dependant any more, and you have the right to be very proud of yourself and of your new business venture without other people making you feel you can't go without their help.
You have all my support.
I dont want to be antagonistic... but get a grip! many MANY people, myself inculded would be thrilled to have half of the opportunities that you have....
Parents that care about you,
bother to come and see you,
have ALWAYS been there for you and
are in a position to be able to help you out.
AND here you are Moaning about it! you should be ashamed of yourself.
HOWEVER, if you want a practical solution, when they come over and offer the money, say put it in the teapot in the kitchen, if i need it i'll use it. then if you dont use it they will see the money in there accumulating, and then when they comment on it you can say... i appreciate you helping me out, but as you can see, i havent touched it. Now that you know i have a nestegg... shall we not put any more in till i need it, because i dont like having so much money in the house.
Actually, I would not put that money in an account for DD. I would open an account, give the account number to your parents and tell them that, if they feel the need to spend any money, they will need to transfer it to that account for their GD, because any money given to you will be returned to them.
I have six other siblings. Two of them are still in education, the other four are in good jobs. I'm the lowest earner out of the lot. So i think my parents pity me. And i'm sure my siblings resent the fact our parents are giving me money.
Forgot to say in my OP (please don't think i'm drip feeding!) on that Sunday, my dad had also said, 'I wouldn't have to give you money if you went out and got a proper job.'
I don't actually think he wants to give me the money, but feels he has to. I haven't seen him since that Sunday, and I'm putting them off visiting me. I'm sure my dad won't remember what he said, but i do and it really hurt me. The thought of accepting another penny from them makes me feel ashamed and guilty.
I earn enough to keep me and dd happy. But in their opinion, i'm acting a hero and secretly struggling - which is so untrue.
I have been saving the money they've given so far, and on occassion I've had to dip into it for essentials. Such as a new washing machine last year, which i otherwise would have had to get from a catalogue.
But i really don't want their money anymore. I feel babied, and feel as though they're in control of my spending. E.g. i bought myself a new pair of jeans last month and my mum commented on them and asked how much they were. I felt as though she was thinking, 'so me and your dad paid for them?'.
I don't think i'm explaining myself well at all. Again, i realise how lucky i am. But i don't want them providing for me or my daughter any more. And i don't know how to get them to stop.
I agree with aurynne. That way you demonstrate your independance and redirect them towards supporting their grandchild which is more appropriate.
I think you should consider yourself very lucky, I was kicked out at 16, the only time they helped me was sending me my things and paying for a cab to the hostel I got a place in my stepfather drove, I still to this day can't believe they begrudged me a lift considering it pretty much meant they were shot of me. Relationship floundered over the years but am now fully estranged from them after they maliciously reported me to SS accusing me of not looking after DD (SS found no problems at all and case was closed)
Sooo, which set of parents would you prefer?
Ah right - I can see why your dad's remarks hurt but don't take them to heart if he was tipsy. At the end of the day he doesn't have to give you anything and you've been refusing it all this time so he's under no real obligation to continue.
The teapot suggestion is a good one - if they can see it's not being used it might deter them. And that would also stop you feeling bad about new jeans if it was clear that their money hadn't bought them - although maybe your mum was just making conversation anyway ?
This is really tricky. I can see how it is annoying, and I don't know what else you can say to them really. If they don't think you have a 'proper job', would it help to explain a bit about your company and offer to invest their money into it, since you don't need their money for essentials?
yep, like other posters said, bank it for your DD No problem at all then eh?
I dream of things like this
If it were me, I would be happy to put the money in a bank account for DD.
I think YABU actually. I do understand the "I have my pride" bit, but perhaps it would help if you tried to look at it through their eyes ? If they struggled when you were younger, I suspect they can't actually bring themselves to "fritter" money away on themselves (my parents were like this, and to a lesser extent, so am I), so they will either be saving it all away in a bank account which (presumably?) you will get when they die, or they can give it you now when presumably it will make your life a little bit easier at a time when most parents struggle (when children are young). If you feel you don't need it / don't want to use it now, then, as other suggest, put it in a bank account and have it for a rainy day, or, if that doesn't come, to give you dd driving lessons or support with her first home deposit or to help her if she wants to go to colege or whatever. I don't see what you've got to gain by throwing it back in their faces. .
"Forgot to say in my OP (please don't think i'm drip feeding!) on that Sunday, my dad had also said, 'I wouldn't have to give you money if you went out and got a proper job.'"
Ha! I knew it! I just knew there would be some attempt to belittle going alongside it!
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