Wibu to have given DH an ultimatum over WOW?

[Moominlandmidwinter]

This could be long, so sorry in advance.

Feel utterly fed up and down in the dumps.

Am currently on maternity leave after having DD4, aged 6 months. Going back to work in June. DH works 4 shifts per week, 2 evenings, and 2 days. Before I went on mat leave, he assured me that he wouldn't leave me to do all of the housework, cooking etc. This has gone out of the window. He does do the school run, but won't do much else, as he uses the excuse that he 'works for a living'. He spends his non-working time either playing World of Warcraft, or watching TV whilst lying in bed. One morning per week he plays badminton.

Today, I felt as though it was the final straw. The DCs were falling out, DD2 has had a tummy bug so have done 6 loads of washing in 2 days, inbetween breastfeeding and looking after the baby, I've worked my backside off to stop the house looking like a shithole. The baby started crying, wanting a cuddle, I was in the kitchen, washing up after lunch. His lunch was still sitting on the table, uneaten, as he was in the middle of a 'raid'. He continued to ignore the baby, I saw red, and turned the PC off at the base. He went ballistic. I told him that I'm sick of clearing up around him, and being ignored for up to seven hours per day, and that he needs to choose between World of Warcraft and our marriage.

DH then stormed out of the house, and drove off, leaving me with the DCs. He knew full well that I was going to leave in 10 minutes to go to a breastfeeding support group at our surestart centre. Going to such groups has been a bit of a lifeline for me, as I actually get some conversation, and it's the only social life I have these days.

2 hours later, he was back. He made a half-hearted attempt at making up, by showing me wine he'd bought for our trip away with family at the end of the week. I told him I wasn't sure if I'd be going (considering staying home with baby). This send him upstairs in another mood, and he went to work without saying goodbye.

So WIBU in turning off the PC? For the ultimatum? For brushing off his non-apology?

[aldiwhore]

YANBU. I say this as an ex-wower. If I'm honest I spend toomuch time on it, it's highly addictive and even though I allocated a certain amount of time a day it did creep up and up until my DH (also a lover of gaming) told me it was becoming unacceptable. I didn't play WoW when the kids were around in the day time, but I did stay up all night raiding... not healthy.

YWB(a little) unreasonable to not use his half hearted apology as a starting point for a 'I love you, I don't mind you gaming but we need you here, you need to help' chat.

He probably does feel guilty, and I understand how life sapping the game is, sometimes you have to commit to 6 hours plus to do a dungeon and it's the only way to finish certain quests, get certain armour etc., and when you're playing that is important and it feels like 5 minutes, not 5 hours. There comes a point though where you have to tell yourself it's only a game. I cracked the addiction by taking a break, when I went back, not only had I missed nothing, I realised the futility of giving it so much of my time.

I felt awful that I'd allowed this game to affect my real life. In the end I chose real life, and it was the best decision I ever made.

[DrHolmes]

YANBU! My partner plays and it drives me mad. I wouldn't care if it was an hour a night but oh no, it has to be all night until bed. We barely talk actually because he sits with his headphones in.

I dont have kids but I DEFINITELY would have done that in your situation.

Why do they get SO wound up, do they not realise it is not real life? The real life is happening in front of them and they are missing it by playing in some stupid fantasy.

Grinds my gears!

You were right :)

[aldiwhore]

I spent too much time on it... I don't play at all now.

[Lueji]

Definitely not unreasonable.

It's amazing how some men think I's ok to go on a huff and leave their house and parental duties to the mum.

Can you leave the children to him 10 min before you're due to go on the trip and return in the evening?
Does he work tomorrow?

[hackmum]

YANBU. Both parties in a marriage have to pull their weight. He's not doing his bit.

[YouTheCat]

You know if it wasn't WoW taking up his time, it would be something else he would use as an excuse.

Tbh if he is taking 6 hours to do a raid he's in a crap group. It shouldn't take more than 2 for the new ones. Some of them even take 30 minutes.

He needs to re-evaluate what is important in his life. I can have days where I'll play a few hours. Dp can play all weekend quite happily but we don't have young children together and it doesn't get in the way if we want to do other stuff.

Tell him, his leisure time is going to be limited like yours is.

[dreamingbohemian]

I think YANBU for turning off the PC, if he was totally ignoring his own daughter when she was crying.

You need to have a calm discussion about this though. If it really is a game that's hard to play for short time periods, then perhaps he needs to say he'll only play on certain days, when he can devote more time to it.

Or maybe agree that he doesn't game when the kids are awake?

Or that he take two weeks off from it, so he can regain some perspective.

It's hard to imagine how anyone with 4 kids and a full-time job has time to play for 7 hours at a stretch. That's really not reasonable.

[StuntGirl]

YWBabitU in how you raised it, but YANBU in telling him this has to stop.

Hobbies/leisure time come after other responsibilities, that includes eating, housework and caring for children.

You need to discuss together how to fairly divide your responsibilities up.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"So WIBU in turning off the PC? For the ultimatum? For brushing off his non-apology?"
YWNBU x3. I'd probably have done the same in switching it off. The ultimatum - really, he's not contributing to family life and he needs to see that. You are his wife, and he is behaving as if you are his mother (and he is 14). And it WAS an non-apology, heavy on the non. Non-apologies don't make anything better, they only ever make things worse.

[CognitiveOverload]

You need to have a proper chat with him. Has he ever helped? Have you spoken about it before?

[Youcanringmybell]

ok well this happened to me 7 years ago when my dd was a few months old..

Our computer was in the bedroom and he had been on WOW for hours over days and weeks...I hit boiling point. I put dd in the middle of the bed surrounded by the pillows and walked out of the house with my bag.
I switched off my phone and disappeared for a few hours..

When I finally got in he was downstairs looking after dd with wine and snacks waiting from the shop. He was very sheepish and realised that i could only be pushed so far..

I have to say things changed quite radically from that point in terms of his computer usage. Now he only games ocasionally.
So YANBU - but try and make amends, he may have got himself into a rut.

[WilsonFrickett]

I think you need to read aldi's post very carefully, and you have to have an adult conversation about this. YANBU in thinking it's unacceptable, but it sounds like it's very compulsive. Agree to go on the weekend but only if he doesn't play WOW at all while he's away, and then for another week after that. Once he's broken the cycle of constant play (and hopefully you've had a nice time away and been able to relax a bit) you need to sit down and have an adult to adult conversation where you both agree some ground rules.

He's bang out of order but you need to tackle it in the right way to get the situation to change. He needs to be out of the 'grip' for that to happen.

[seriouscakeeater]

YANBU I would have done the same, he is at the point were he is ignoring you and dc so it needs dealing with. My brother is completely obsessed with it and is on for 14 hours a day sometimes! It's pathetic, and these people need. To get in the real world.
Good luck x

[HotCrossNaanAndRessurectiOn]

You're not the only WOW widow I've come across and it does seem to take some drastic action to make the WOWer realise that they are spending too much time in the virtual world and not enough in the real world.

Letting you do all of the running around, ignoring the baby, spending all his spare time playing instead of interacting with his family. Frankly I think he's lucky you just turned the PC off rather than shoving it up his backside.

Hope you sort it out OP.

[BertieBotts]

DP used to play WOW and he scheduled it like you would any other hobby - ie, not every single night, he let me know in advance that he was going to play and real life always came first. He gave it up at one point because he felt too torn between his responsibility/commitment towards his friends who he played with and the amount of time he had free to spend with me. I didn't ask him to do this - I didn't even consider it a problem at this time. That's the difference, he noticed that it was becoming a problem for him and he moderated himself before it caused problems for us - and this was before he moved in with me and DS.

It isn't the game that is at fault but these kinds of games can be very addictive - it's up to him though to grow up and realise that, yes, it is just a game and family and responsibilities come first. He can still play a game in his spare time but he needs to be realistic and respectful of your spare time too.

[Rhubarbgarden]

YANBU. I'd have thrown the bloody thing out of the window.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Aldi's post gave me chills... my cousin got seriously addicted to this 'World of Warcraft' game, played it obsessively to the exclusion of everything else and his parents were oblivious until he started failing at school. They were even 'proud' of him for his WOW 'achievements'.

Games like this that occupy you body and soul terrify me. It's not just kids; adults get hopelessly hooked. Your husband's storming out tells me how addictive it is. Anything, other than caring or a job, where you're required to dedicate six hours, is not healthy.

Have a look online, OP, I think WOW has received quite a bit of press about the addictiveness of the game and your husband should be aware of that side of it. He may want to rethink.

[Yfronts]

He was ignoring his own DD and the meal you had made, of course you were cross!! I'm not surprised you feel like a WOW widow. The fact he stormed out and didn't say sorry, you have a good point highlights what an addiction/problem he has.

You should have the same amount of free time at the end of the day.

You are suppose to be a team in relation to parenting.

[ClippedPhoenix]

You do know that he will never pull his weight dont you no matter how many "chats" you have. He's king of his castle.

[CognitiveOverload]

You have 4 children. Has he ever helped? Or is this a new issue?

[SirBoobAlot]

He ignored his daughter crying because he was playing a fucking computer game?? Then stormed out knowing you were supposed to be going to a breastfeeding support group?

You were quite controlled, I would have totally lost my shit.

He needs a reality check.

[Moominlandmidwinter]

Thanks to you all for taking the time to post.

DH arrived back home after 2 hours, he'd told his work that he had personal problems and they let him go. Our row had obviously affected him more than I thought it would. The space of a couple of hours gave us both time to cool down. We've had a long talk, and I've told him exactly how it's all been making me feel. He accepts that he needs to stop making WOW be such an important thing in his life, and said he'll cut down. He has also agreed to do more to help. He did wind me up a bit by saying that I have long enough over the week to get the housework done myself, and that if breastfeeding DD is taking so much time, I should consider stopping.

Time will tell, I guess.

[StuntGirl]

What a charmer

[PomBearWithAnOFRS]

When nothing has changed in a few weeks/months, make sure you throw him out, don't leave yourself. Let him have the hassle of finding a new place to live and everything, rather than uprooting yourself and 4 young children.
(I was married to an addict, not WOW but addiction is addiction, and one day you'll realise that it is less painful to split than it is to carry on running your entire life around his addiction)
He is already making excuses and coming up with reasons why this is all your fault not his - you breastfeed the baby and can't get all the housework done and this is your problem so stop feeding the baby - not "Oh well I will do XYZ and anything else that needs doing because our children come first"...
Make a note of the times he spends playing over the next week or so, and also how often you or the children need/want/ask him to do something and he puts you off "in a minute" or "not just now" or "when I've done this bit" and just see what comes out of it. I bet it'll be an eye opener for you both...