To be hurt by DH wanting to go out with his friends on our anniversary?

[woozlebear]

Tomo is our (4th) wedding anniversary. For background, until now we've always timed a holiday to coincide, and this year will be the first time we haven't (mutual decision, no problem, we decided to go somewhere in May instead). But it means this year is the first time we'll be at home, going to work as normal. We also decided we'd rather go out for a meal to celebrate over Easter weekend than tomorrow night, so we don't have anything particular planned tomorrow.

DH has just emailed me saying some of his friends have suggested meeting up after work tomorrow. He hasn't asked if I mind, or mentioned the fact that it's our anniversary, just said 'we don't have any plans, do we? I won't be late'. I'm feeling quite hurt, as although we don't have anything specific planned, I'd assumed we would try to spend a nice evening together.

It's not like he's forgotton btw, we were talking about when to go out to dinner this morning. I haven't replied yet - not sure what to say. Don't want to stop him going out (If he'd rather see his friends than me on our anniversary there's no point guilt tripping him into staying in!) but equally want him to know I find it hurtful.

[Cailinsalach]

Tell him.

Tell him you feel a little hurt/upset/angry/pissed off/insert emotion of choice.

Maybe he has just been a little thoughtless re this issue and just needs a reminder that on this day you do expect his time and attention even if you are not out celebrating until later in the week.

(Don't LTB yet......)

[sarahseashell]

Yes don't be a martyr I'd just say yes I do mind it's our anniversary and I'd like to do x

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Well, you have both already decided that you are going to celebrate your anniversary over the easter weekend so he knows you arent wanting to go out.

What do you want him to do then?? Sit at home and peel grapes for you? Why do you find it hurtful - not being nasty, it's a genuine question.

I dunno, but then I have been married yonks now and things like anniversaries don't bother me.

YANBU to feel hurt but in his mind you are celebrating the weekend so if you don't tell him you wanted a nice night in with him then he won't think anything of it.

[redskyatnight]

Well I personally wouldn't have a problem - you have nothing specifically planned today and are celebrating at the weekend.

But if it upsets you then tell him ..

[jamdonut]

Hmmm. Tricky.
Me and DH usually do something around the time of our anniversary,not always on the day,especially if it falls mid-week.

Perhaps he sees your May holiday as a late Anniversary treat, and thought it wouldn't matter if he went out on the actual date?

I think as long as you both acknowledge the date as special, it doesn't really matter if you don't do anything on the day.

Me and DH don't even bother with cards anymore (by mutual agreement),though we wish each other Happy Anniversary. But then we've been married nearly 23 years!

[MardyBra]

I think you're being a bit PNW (precious newly wed). You're going out at the weekend.

[dreamingbohemian]

Hmm tricky.

If it were me, I wouldn't mind, if we'd planned to officially celebrate at the weekend and hadn't made any plans for the actual night. I think it is a little strong to say that your husband prefers to spend time with friends instead of you, when he may just be thinking about it practically (no plans means no plans, right? if you really wanted to spend the night doing something with him, you probably would have mentioned it by now?)

It just sounds more like a communications failure than he's being hurtful.

I would tell him that even though you didn't have plans to go out, you had hoped to have a nice dinner at home together. Leave it at that.

Don't say anything like 'but go out if you want to' because you don't actually mean it, and will just resent him if he chooses to take you at your word.

[dreamingbohemian]

Oooh x-post with jam

[woozlebear]

Betty I think I'm just a bit surprised that he thinks that going out at the weekend means there's no point in spending any time together at all on the actual day.

Maybe I'm being childish - I'm not a v romantic person at all, we don't do Valentine's day, but given we normally book a whole holiday to celebrate our anniversary this year is a big shift anyway, and to find him treating the actual day as just totally like any other weekday is a bit hurtful. I don't expect chocolates, flowes, candles etc, that's not us at all, just thought he'd want to spend a nice evening together.

Quite prepared to believe I'm being over-sensitive. I grew up in an incredibly unhappy family so our anniversary seems especially important to me as it's a celebration of being part of a happy, loving family which is still a huge novelty for me.

[Maggie111]

I have regularly scheduled 2 events on the same evening - knowing I have one thing and yet agreeing to something else!!

He's just forgotten, just remind him it's your anniversary so you want him at home

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Woozle - I understand now!!! My mum grew up in unhappy family and it made her massively family orientated in later life.

You need to tell him though, or he just won't know.

[woozlebear]

if you really wanted to spend the night doing something with him, you probably would have mentioned it by now?

Fair point dreaming, although it's v v rare for him to see friends on a random Tues evening with no warning, so I wouldn't have thought to say anything that would indicate to him I wanted him home. I just assumed he would be. I didn't have any special plans, just assumed we'd cook a nice dinner and have a relaxing evening, not do any chores or stay late at work etc, maybe have an 'early night'. Naive maybe, but assumed he would have much the same idea too.

[Lottashakingoinon]

Quite prepared to believe I'm being over-sensitive. I grew up in an incredibly unhappy family so our anniversary seems especially important to me as it's a celebration of being part of a happy, loving family which is still a huge novelty for me.

Why not say this to him Woozle It's telling it like it is without guilting him. and it brought a lump to my throat

[Pandemoniaa]

Naive maybe, but assumed he would have much the same idea too.

I think it would have been more sensible to share these assumptions with him. Only he can't read your mind and cannot be expected to live up to unexpressed expectations.

[dreamingbohemian]

I guess in a way, it's like you've "downsized" your anniversary celebration -- but haven't been totally explicit with each other about how much. So he's mentally downsized it a bit more than you, that's all.

I think maybe you are being a little oversensitive, in that his plans don't reflect how he really feels about you, but that doesn't mean you can't tell him that you'd really like to spend the evening with him. Just put it in a very positive way -- not a hint of guilt tripping or anything like that, just say that you had been planning on making a really nice dinner, you just hadn't mentioned as you didn't think there were any other plans.

[dreamingbohemian]

x-post

In that case I can see why you didn't mention anything. But really, try not to be hurt that he didn't have the same mental plans. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you the same.

[livinginwonderland]

hmm, i understand you being upset, but you have both agreed to move the "celebration" to easter weekend and to go away in may instead.

let him go, and see if you can get some friends together for takeaway and a couple of bottles of wine. have fun with your friends while he has fun with his, then enjoy your time with your DH next weekend as planned

[Branleuse]

just tell him its your anniversary and youd like to go out togehter instead.

dont be a martyr, dont upset yourself, or be PA about it, just tell him.

[Thumbwitch]

Just tell him that you'd rather he didn't go out tonight - any other night would be fine but y'know, it is your actual anniversary and you'd been hoping that you would be together on it.

[Thumbwitch]

Or ask to go with them...

[whistleahappytune]

Living has the right idea. OP you have a loving husband and plan to celebrate on Easter weekend and go away in May. Celebrate your good fortune on your own or with friends. Don't guilt him out.

For about ten years running my husband missed a lot of crucial dates (anniversaries, birthdays etc.) as he was often in a war zone. I was so grateful when he safely returned, it obliterated the meaning of these so-called "special" days, in a healthy way. Any day you can be together, with love and happiness is special.

Happy Anniversary!

[QuacksForDoughnuts]

How often does he get to see the friends? If they're visiting from Australia and it would be the only chance to see them for the next two years, YABU. If he sees them every week and has a habit of giving them priority over you, HIBVU. Anywhere in between, YAB a bit U not to communicate properly that you'd like him to be in, and HI a bit U to assume you don't.

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I did the same to my dh a coupla years ago - certainly didn't mean I didn't love him or wasn't thinking about him, just an invite had come my way and we had moved the anniversary celebrations to the wkend- please tell him how you feel - and congratulations!

[woozlebear]

Quacks They all live / work fairly close. V easy for DH to seem them anytime. He sees them a few times a year. They go back a long way and they're fairly close I suppose but they don't meet up that often. No particular reason (and I have never in all our time together asked him not to see them on a particular day), they just don't bother v often. Which I suppose is why I'm a bit about this plan for tommorrow.

No real previous of giving them priority except once when I came home early from a trip to see family due to awful fight (relating to years of abuse which DH knows about) and spent all day howling. DH came in, patted me on the back and promply went round the corner to the pub with one of them.

[Startail]

In my experience men are far better at practical day to day being there than being romantic on a particular day.

After 25 years (celebrated two days late, when it was convenient) I've given up any hope of consistent, birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day etc gestures. Chocolates and flowers did appear in Mothersday and I'd specifically told him not to bother as I knew he was ridiculously busy.

You can't win. You can moan, I do frequently, but service does not improve.