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To wonder why AIBU is seen as a fighting ground?

(43 Posts)
SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 25-Mar-13 08:18:02

Having read quite a few AIBUs recently, there seems to be a general consensus that it's a harsher and less supportive section.

Comments along the lines of 'Well, if you will post in AIBU, expect a flaming' etc.

Why is this?

Are MNers who post in AIBU less supportive and empathetic than those that post elsewhere?

And why does posting in AIBU assume that (some) responders have a carte blanche to be rude and/or unsupportive, backed up by 'Well, it's AIBU, what did you expect?'

I'm not trying to start a fight, I'm just genuinely interested and wondering if there's something I'm missing....

fluffyraggies Mon 25-Mar-13 08:23:17

I try never to be rude - but i do think that 'AIBU?' invites all opinions, not just sympathetic opinions.

'Chat' tends towards a gentler discusion, and there are lots of boards for specific support rather than debate on MN. AIBU has it's own charms grin

AmberLeaf Mon 25-Mar-13 08:23:48

Expect a flaming.............................not really! grin

Its just the way it is I think?

People can be harsher on AIBU but also patient, kind and supportive on another section of the website.

You do get poster posting controversial stuff on here that they must know will get a harsh set of replies too

AmberLeaf Mon 25-Mar-13 08:24:29

poster = posters.

Trills Mon 25-Mar-13 08:25:16

If you post in AIBU, expect people to think you are.

Because there are very few statements you can make where everyone will agree with you.

t's not a "fighting ground", it's just "free reign to disagree".

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 25-Mar-13 08:28:07

Yes I get that, I was just wondering why. Where did it all stem from? Who first posted in AIBU with the mindset of being controversial and argumentative?

I suppose some people do spoil for a fight and like to disagree; I was just intrigued as to why AIBU is The Place for this....

SugariceisaGoodEgg Mon 25-Mar-13 08:32:32

Posting in AIBU is inviting a judgment, either yes you are or no you're not being unreasonable.

It covers all areas; relationships, parties, parking, trolley/ checkout rage etc so everyone piles in without bringing the sympathy or sensitivity.

echt Mon 25-Mar-13 08:32:50

AIBU does what it says on the tin, but often people post appearing to expect a Relationships-style discussion. They need to post there, or get their post moved there.

I think some post because AIBU has more traffic, and then get angry when their point of view isn't endorsed. Enter the sympathetic ones who accuse other MNers of being nasty when the OP shouldn't have posted in AIBU in the first place.

Heat. Kitchen.

fluffyraggies Mon 25-Mar-13 08:39:14

I think it's sad when you see an OP looking for support and they've posted in AIBU thinking it's a gentler place than it is. There is usually someone around to suggest they move their post to chat or relationships though.

AIBU is the first place i arrived at when i first found MN (years ago) and at first i just assumed the whole site was like it grin Then after suffering some awful personal problems i found the most fantastic support on other boards and can honestly say there is a place for everything and everyone on MN.

AIBU is just a place to have a good old debate.

mrsjay Mon 25-Mar-13 08:41:02

I tend to hold the coats in AIBU grin I think people get a wee bit carried away and the well you should expect a flaming is in the minority in the grand scheme of things most people do give sensible posts , even if they think the OP is being really unreasonable

Trills Mon 25-Mar-13 08:41:35

People post in AIBU "because it has more traffic" forgetting that it is a place that invites disagreement.

Then they complain that AIBU is fighty, when all that happened was that someone disagreed with them.

After having heard "AIBU is fighty" a hundred times, people internalise the idea that AIBU is fighty, so when they post on AIBU they unconsciously post in a more assertive/aggressive manner.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 25-Mar-13 08:48:29

When the OP shouldn't have posted in AIBU in the first place

See? That's exactly what I mean! By having those preconceptions about AIBU it's almost a self-fulfilling prophecy to make it fightier (I know that's not a word...!) than it needs to be.

Trills, as always, has put it much more succinctly than I!

MaryMotherOfCheeses Mon 25-Mar-13 08:55:02

The very question "am i being unreasonable?" sets up the opportunity for a very black and white response. Most issues aren't really like that and that Yabu / yanbu response is really not helpful.

DoJo Mon 25-Mar-13 08:56:32

I think because people posting here are inevitably hoping that everyone will agree with them, whereas that is so rare that it is always remarked upon when it does happen! Being criticised and disagreed with can be hard and people sometimes express very strong feelings on here, so it's a little more bombastic than other sections which is why I love it so much.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 25-Mar-13 09:06:36

Interestingly no one has said YABU or YANBU yet....

I also don't really get the 'hanging out in specific areas'. I scroll through Active mostly as am too lazy to go through Topics

But some posters seem to have a reputation - 'Oh she hangs out in AIBU so she's a mardy cah...' etc.

fluffyraggies Mon 25-Mar-13 09:24:06

saycool - y'know for ages i've been thinking of starting a thread asking how everyone uses MN and where they hang about mainly.

I have AIBU, Relationships and Chat on my bookmark tabs and roughly in that order is where you'll find me most. I click on it and there i am. I chip in if i'm in the mood or if i feel i can help.

I went looking for more specific help when i had a late mc, and for a few months i spent allot of time posting one of the 'becoming a parent' topics.

I don't feel like i have any reputation. Or any memorable presence on MN at all tbh. grin

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 25-Mar-13 09:37:18

I suppose it's how you access it as well - I'm usually on the app on my phone and the way it's set up means it's easier to just press Active or TIO than go looking through Topics.

I do look in Pregnancy and Childbirth (40+3 confused with DC2) to see what's happening.... hoping any labour vibes will swing my way

I suppose you have to be a really prolific long term poster to get a 'reputation'. I tend to only use it on ML.

moonabove Mon 25-Mar-13 09:47:04

I think it serves a useful purpose in diverting some of the more unpleasant posters who just want to put the boot in to someone. On aibu that can be absorbed a bit better, especially because there's so much 'traffic' here that others will pile in to support the op.

It's much worse when you see posters deliberately sneaking over to other boards such as 'relationships' to have a go at someone who's really vulnerable.

echt Mon 25-Mar-13 09:47:27

I've never heard of a poster styled as hanging out anywhere, nor being criticised as being a mardy cah.

What does happen is that if poster has an area of expertise, they might be flagged up, for instance, if anyone wanted to know about Perth, au, then Mosman might be indicated as a useful MNer to pay attention to.

For myself I have opinions about some posters on certain topics, and know they can be relied upon to spout shite promote particular viewpoints, but I'd never talk about them in that way. I want to, though.

AmberLeaf Mon 25-Mar-13 10:05:08

I was just intrigued as to why AIBU is The Place for this

So that other topics can be more supportive?

I also don't really get the 'hanging out in specific areas

Do people actually do that though?

I post in AIBU, but I do so because I go to active convos and click on a thread that catches my eye, I also post in various other topics, I rarely click on one topic and go through threads.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 25-Mar-13 10:08:14

Amber leaf - I don't know if people actually DO hang out in threads.... It's just the perception I have of some posters. And I'm sure I have seen comments referring to a poster's common posting place.... it's probably all in my head isn't it...

Maybe I'M being a mardy cah! grin

AmberLeaf Mon 25-Mar-13 10:52:20

Yeah you cah! grin

I think some posters will have a bit of a reputation if they are fairly outspoken on AIBU, but similarly, they could be a font of knowledge/support on another more specific topic?

Also, I think people will 'notice' particular posters if they disagree with their views, so they stick in their minds because of that they may not actually be anymore prolific than anyone else though.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 25-Mar-13 11:39:37

Good point.... <Hunts for anyone who might disagree>

It is interesting though - just this morning I've catalogued and updated spreadsheet noticed comments in AIBU about its more aggressive nature and tone.

Maybe I'm just overthinking this...

<bored of waiting for DC2, now 3 days overdue confused>

AmberLeaf Mon 25-Mar-13 11:47:11

Are you hoping you getting worked up over a ranty AIBU will make your baby consider vacating the warm confines of your womb?grin

I would suggest a hot curry for dinner and having a go at uncomfortable shagging, but after 3 DCs, I know they only come out when they are good and ready!

SayCoolNowSayWhip Mon 25-Mar-13 11:49:56

That's probably my subconscious thought Amber!

<Thinks of another thread> 'AIBU to want you mardy fuckers to stress me into labour?'

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