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To not have found this 'joke' funny.

(72 Posts)
DoormatorDiva Mon 25-Mar-13 02:32:59

My best friend has met a new man. Both are in their forties. I've not met him as they don't live in UK. They've known each other for a couple of months.

It all sounds quite 'whirlwind romance'. He's moved into an apartment in her block. If new man is due to visit bff, and I am due to Skype with her, she will rearrange our Skype, so as to spend maximum time with him, and if we are in the middle of a Skype session, and he phones, rather than not answer or get him to call back - she interrupts our conversation and tells me she'll ring me back, in order to speak to him.

This bugs me (or course), as I think she is giving way too much of herself - if she can't spare a regular Skype chat once a week - with her best friend.

She says herself, I was her 'lifeline', during a horrible couple of years and a marriage break-up. At certain points she was at risk of feeling suicidal, and I made an effort to 'be there' so, this treatment is a bit like a kick in the teeth. But, I'm also very glad for her, that she has met someone who seems to make her happy!

New man, sent me a friend request on fb, and I added him (more for bff's sake really). We exchanged a couple of polite messages - that's all really.

Then, this morning he sent me a message asking if my friend had any history of domestic violence, as this happened - and posted a photo of his upper arm, covered in a massive, swollen, dark purple bruise. It looked horrendous.

I was shocked and asked wtf happened - he said "she went Mike Tyson on me! I'm scared for my life, worried about my safety! Is she on medication at all??"

I told him not that I know of apart from some homeopathic stuff. What on earth happened? Anyway - it was also my dd's 4th birthday, and we were just unwrapping presents when I'd got these messages, it totally changed the mood, as I was then worried something awful had happened between friend and New Man. No reply from New Man.

Then, I got a text from friend saying to ignore his messages, 'he was just shittin ya' - I then asked her what was going on. She explained that he had been teaching her to punch and she was punching his arm, but he kept saying it didn't she was doing it harder. eek. Friend suggested I play along and answer his message by saying "yeah, she's had a history of mental health issues, and been in an asylum" etc.

Told them both that I didn't think it was that funny, and their 'joke' had disrupted stuff I was doing with dd. Don't involve me in their games about domestic violence when it wasn't an issue, as I'd been really worried, and am too far away to either help or see it's just a stupid joke! They both apologised...


I'm sort of thinking he's a bit of a knob, now. And also thinking she's actually quite self-centred - I've mentioned to her before it was dd's birthday today, and she knows that with the time difference it would have been morning for us. As if on top of prepping for a kids birthday party I have time to bloody well engage in stupid banter about domestic violence and mental health issues (which isn't exactly a laughing matter anyway). Considering their ages I can't believe how childish they were! To cap it all, when friend apologised and asked me to give dd a hug oh her behalf, she spelt her name wrong. hmm

So AIBU to be so UNamused? (I know IABVVU regarding the length of this post - sorry)

MrsTerryPratchett Mon 25-Mar-13 04:20:55

They are saying it's a joke. I'm inclined to think this is a very unhealthy relationship and it's no laughing matter.

EMS23 Mon 25-Mar-13 04:38:45

If it was a joke, it wasn't very funny so YANBU.

YABU to dwell on her being rubbish about your DD's birthday, the time difference and the name spelling though. Those things aren't that big a deal IMO.

I'd be inclined to let her take the lead on contact with you until she's out of the 'honeymoon' period with this guy. BUT I would make it clear you are there and always will be if she needs you because it all sounds a bit dodgy.

LondonKitty Mon 25-Mar-13 04:45:38

It's really not funny at all.

Agree you should back off and let them have their honeymoon period. See what happens.

But she sounds high maintenance...

Thumbwitch Mon 25-Mar-13 04:50:11

She's too self-absorbed to count as a true friend. Far too mememe - I'd just back off from her for now. If he's moved into her block I doubt she'll have time for you anyway.

Hide them both on your FB - that way you won't need to be bothered by their shitty news/posts, but you won't have defriended them either so they won't know you're not seeing their shit.

YANBU, btw - it's very stupid and unfunny.

BonaDrag Mon 25-Mar-13 06:27:07

They both sound thick as treacle.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 25-Mar-13 06:31:50

I don't know why you think it's just him who's a nob. She sounds like one too.

I wouldn't have found that joke funny either.

MrsLouisTheroux Mon 25-Mar-13 06:42:41

Sounds like she's met her perfect match. They both sound awful.

WannabeWilloughby Mon 25-Mar-13 06:49:55

grin At bona "thick as treacle!" love that!

They sound strange! Second what most others have said....step back for a bit. Not worth falling out with BFF for.

exoticfruits Mon 25-Mar-13 06:53:47

They sound a good match- I would just have less to do with them.

Tee2072 Mon 25-Mar-13 07:34:44

Yeah. Really funny. hmm They sound perfect for each other.

I think you have a foul weather friend there who will only be your friend when her life sucks. Find some new friends.

CookieLady Mon 25-Mar-13 07:40:28

Couldn't agree more with Tee.

BabyMakesTheBellyGoRound Mon 25-Mar-13 07:47:49

That's not funny,its strangehmm

Mental health issues,not funny.
Domestic violence,not funny.

Sending you a friend request and then trying to get you to talk crap about your friend sounds a bit red flag to me.

DolomitesDonkey Mon 25-Mar-13 08:00:04

They'll be slapping each other around for real soon enough and lambasting the other saying "it was just a joke".

Get your popcorn out.

Maggie111 Mon 25-Mar-13 08:37:28

I can understand why someone would think that's "funny", in an odd kind of way. But it's really snide to do it on your daughter's birthday. I completely agree with Thumbwitch - they're both very self centered and certainly not worth dwelling on.

Leave them to their hilarity until they're able to connect with you on a level you can enjoy - ie, not hanging up to take a "more important" call etc.

MammaTJ Mon 25-Mar-13 08:46:30

I am actually wondering if she sent the texts to cover up the fact that this had taken place in the way he intially stated.

You are too far away to be any real help, so back away! They are both grown ups (in theory at least).

EggyFucker Mon 25-Mar-13 08:50:21

Completely and chillingly unfunny

He sounds a complete tool (at best) and she sounds stupidly in awe of him

Withdraw for a while, but watch from a distance as I expect this ridiculous game playing won't end well

mrsbungle Mon 25-Mar-13 08:53:48

They both sounds weird.

MsJupiterJones Mon 25-Mar-13 09:00:55

Agree with others it all sounds very weird.

Wrt her now being a crap friend, I've often found that people you help or are there for in a crisis sometimes turn on you when things are better for them - like they are trying to separate themselves from the person they were during that time. Don't put up with it.

jerrykyle Mon 25-Mar-13 09:05:50

Why are people saying her bf is à tool and bringing up red flags?. It sounds like à cover up for her being abusive to me and hé is thé victim.

ThreeWheelsGood Mon 25-Mar-13 09:07:19

Sounds awful, yanbu. Are you sure the bruises weren't real? It sounds like such odd behaviour. Make it clear to your friend you'll always be there for her, but keep your distance for now. She'll be back when things go sour.

fluffyraggies Mon 25-Mar-13 09:12:17

I have a friend who tends to only like to be in touch when everything's hunky dory for me and shit for her and never the other way round.

I too am wondering, OP, if the blokes original message isn't the one nearer the truth? It's just a bit odd to send something like that to the overseas friend of a new partner purely as a joke. (i mean from the new BFs point of view)

NotQuitePerfect Mon 25-Mar-13 09:26:40

Pair of attention-seeking nutters. Hide them on FB & get on with your life.

(teaching her to punch? Wtf?)

mmmuffins Mon 25-Mar-13 09:29:31

They both sound quite silly. Your friend doesn't sound very considerate of you.

DoormatorDiva Mon 25-Mar-13 12:33:11

Thanks for the replies - glad it's not just me then.

We were due to Skype today, and I haven't felt in the mood to get in touch - she hasn't contacted me since the apology yesterday either. I think I was probably over-reacting about the present-unwrapping being disrupted, and the mis-spelling of dd's name in the apology - but still think the joke was weird. Maybe it looks like I'm sulking but since no one else here thinks it was very funny either - I know it's not just my dented ego, about having a prank played on me!

I picture them in my mind as acting like a pair of giggly teenagers and find it quite irritating. Disappointed in my friend - who is actually a decent person and not usually so immature. If anything she's been too sad and lonely, and overly serious for ages, over the marriage break-up - and it's like New Man has unleashed a big kid in her. HE was the one who messaged me about the 'domestic violence' - ThreeWheelsGood - the bruise was definitely real - you could see the deep blue/purple mottle in the skin - it was pretty bad. She stepped in to clarify quite quickly. I see what others are saying about how it could be that the initial message was the true one, and the 'explanation' was the cover-up. Hard to say anything for sure - except I don't know him, but I've known her all my life, and she's been more like my sister. I have not known of any domestic violence coming from her, in her previous relationships. However, I do know she has issues regarding men and trust etc - due to dysfunctional childhood with both parents being either physically (Dad) or emotionally abusive (Mum). Her relationships 'guage' is a bit off - she can be a bit naive, as I'm not sure she knows what an ordinary, healthy and equal partnership looks like, or what to do with one if she found it.

She can be a little self-absorbed, (e.g. not always remembering to ask me how I am) so the 'foul weather friend' thing might have an element of truth. But I've never minded that much, as she's had more drama in her life - more extreme highs and lows. I'm quite ordinary and my life is relatively stable and boring, but happy - she's always been more outgoing, prettier, had more male attention etc. So our dynamic is we've sort of complemented each other - I'm a sounding board for her and she's interesting to talk to for me, and as I said, she's like my sister. She looked out for me when we were kids too. We've been best friends since childhood.

I would like to withdraw a bit, as my instincts are that he is a tool. However, she has no other family over there, (they had just moved there a few months when xh left her and her young son). She has had an awful time, getting back on her feet, and caring for her son who also has autism. It's been a sad an lonely road, and I helped pick up the pieces. In a way, I don't want to begrudge her being 'happy' as she really deserves a break...but...he sounds so bloody childish. Anyway, thanks for the feedback all.

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