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To be upset about what this mum was like with my DD

(184 Posts)
housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 18:38:06

On Friday night DD (9) went out to tea with a friend and then to a sleepover at the friend's house. 2 other friends were invited so there were 4 children there in total including DD.

When I picked DD up yesterday morning she burst into tears as soon as we got into the car and said that the following had happened:

When they went out for tea DD there were the 4 kids and then 4 adults; the child's mum and dad and 2 friends of the mum. The mum made DD sit at a table with the 3 other adults and the mum sat at the table with the 3 other children. the mum's reasoning was that her DD wanted to sit with her mum. DD was upset as she didn't know the other adults at the table and obviously she felt left out.

They went back to the house for the sleepover. The birthday child and another girl that was there had it in for DD and spent the whole evening being horrible to her; making fun of the present she had given the girl (clothes) and saying it was horrible, making fun of DD's clothes and DD's pyjamas, and just saying mean things all evening. DD tried several times to tell the girls' mum what was going on and each time the girl's mum told her not to tell tales and to go and get on with everyone. She also said that the mum gave the birthday girl a pack of biscuits for them all to share but the birthday girl refused to let DD have any and the mum just said 'It's X's birthday, it's her choice' so DD didn't get any.

Another time the birthday girl went and told her mum DD had been horrible to her,and the mum went steaming into the bedroom and shouted at DD. DD said she hadn't and that it was the birthday girl and the mum said her daughter would never do that and that she is a lovely girl and DD needs to learn to get on with others.

DD then asked her to phone me as she wanted to go home, and DD said she was in tears at this point (DD says it was around 9pm) and the mum refused to phone me and just walked out of the room.

Then first thing in the morning DD says she woke up and all the other 3 were talking about her, saying they hate her now and that they won't speak to her at school. She again tried to tell the mum and the mum told her again to stop telling tales.

The mum didn't say a word to me about it at pick up and said they'd all had a lovely time and been good. DD normally gets on with everyone, has never had any problems at school with other children and is a lovely girl. Not perfect, as no child is, but certainly not deserving of this treatment. The mum has always seemed nice enough when we've met up with the girls and I've known her several years. Her DD is reasonably spoilt and is the centre of her mum's world. I really don't know where to go from here. Obviously any future playdate or party invitations will be declined, as will any invites from the mum for coffee. I feel if I say something it will cause trouble. I'm so upset though, that my DD was so upset staying at someone else's house and the mum wouldn't even phone me so I could collect her.

Maggie111 Sun 24-Mar-13 19:02:08

Crikey, I remember sleepovers and falling outs and things so I'm reading along trying to excuse the mother in every instance remembering it's only a 9 year old girls opinion that I'm going on....

But for her to ask to phone you but be refused I would go absolutely ballistic. I'd ring up the mother, say your daughter has some issues, you thought it best to speak to a grown up about it all and have a "light" conversation where you are just trying to understand the facts - and stick to the important ones, not every single "she said".

Depending on how the conversation goes how you handle it will change - but that woman would be getting some kind of comment about how disgraceful, if it were true, that she couldn't phone home...

thefirstmrsrochester Sun 24-Mar-13 19:02:24

Good lord, your poor dd. Give her a big cuddle and explain that not all adults are decent. I dont know who was more of a brat - mum or the birthday girl.
Look on this as a blessing and cross these horrors off your dd's friendship radar.
Oh, absolutely contact the host mum to call her on her refusal to let your dd call home.

ginmakesitallok Sun 24-Mar-13 19:02:58

I wouldn't let this fizzle out - if the mother really didn't let your DD phone home that is out of order. Poor wee thing. I would call her and ask her what the hell had happened. angry

cjel Sun 24-Mar-13 19:06:12

I think I'd be concerned that this sort of mum would not understand your call, would defend her dd to the hilt and wouldn't be at all surprised if it created trouble for your dd at school. I would be tempted to support dd say how wrong they were and make arrangements for her to maybe have a pay as you go phone with small balance just to take on sleepovers in future.

XBenedict Sun 24-Mar-13 19:06:41

Oh that has made me so sad, your poor DD and what a thoughtless mother. I would be on the phone I think asking what happened, Hope your DD is getting lots of cuddles this evening, give her one from me smile

WorraLiberty Sun 24-Mar-13 19:11:24

You do need to speak to the Mum about this.

But don't go in all guns blazing as you've only heard one side of the story...and that's from your upset 9yr old.

If it's all as she's saying, then that's absolutely shocking and I don't blame you and your DD for being upset.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing...but this is why we should all have a PAYG 'family mobile' in the cupboard, so the kids can take it with them when they're away from home.

NynaevesSister Sun 24-Mar-13 19:11:25

I think your daughter needs to know you believe her and are on her side. Like you for all the getting along and school gate reasons I would not get into a discussion of your daughters or the behaviour of the girls. But I would ask her clearly and without emotion why she refused to allow your daughter to call. If she outright lies to you and says your daughter didn't ask then say why on earth would your daughter lie about something like that. Since you've made no mention of any incidents she will be unstuck. If she says that she didn't want to disturb you just make it clear that for her future reference that's part of being a parent, being there even if your child just misses you and that wasn't her decision to make.

SucksToBeMe Sun 24-Mar-13 19:13:41

I feel very sad for your DD,give her a big hug.

Chiggers Sun 24-Mar-13 19:14:17

If I was in your shoes, I would be confronting the mother about how her DD isn't the little angel she thinks her DD is. My priority in this situation, would be to stick up for my DD, but also to help my DD stick up for herself.

Hopefully the worst that will happen is that her mum will berate you for revealing some facts about her DD that she doesn't want to hear, but don't be worrying about that.

housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 19:17:05

I think if I discuss it with the mum it won't achieve anything; she will just pin all the blame on DD and basically give me a torrent of 'home truths' about DD, because presumably, from how she behaved, she thinks her DD is perfect. I don't think my DD is perfect, but she's not a tale teller, she never has any problems and just generally seems to sail through school and friendships. She's also very popular and gets invited to a lot of parties and round to others' houses. And she is generally very reliable. Which is why I believe her, and am pretty certain that what she has told me is the truth.

WafflyVersatile Sun 24-Mar-13 19:17:34

How well do you know the mums of the other girls? would it be possible to call one of them and find out if anyone else knows if she asked to phone you?

muriel76 Sun 24-Mar-13 19:18:34

I would call the other mother and ask what had happened.

Say your DD has been in tears and very upset, telling you she has had a bad time and that she felt the other girls were horrible to her and that she wanted to come home.

Then be silent and wait to see what the other mum says. Do not fill the silence and let her explain to you what 'her side' is. I would be interested in her explanation without her knowing what details you know. I think that should give you a picture of what has gone on.

Your poor DD.

housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 19:18:40

Chiggers, she's normally really good at sticking up for herself, hence she never has any problems with others. She's quite assertive without being aggressive and seems to really take things in her stride. It's very out of character for her to be so upset about something, especially something that generally she would shrug off and deal with. Which I think is why I'm so concerned tbh.

lunar1 Sun 24-Mar-13 19:28:45

I would say something to the mother, your dd needs to see that behaviour like this is ant acceptable from adults or children. It doesn't reall matter if she doesn't take it on board it's the message dd takes away that counts.

MrsCampbellBlack Sun 24-Mar-13 19:30:56

I would do exactly what Muriel said for the reasons others have said. Your DD needs to see you will defend her.

Also the other mother may try and make out it was nothing but perhaps she'll realise that if a child wants to leave she needs to listen to that child.

Chiggers Sun 24-Mar-13 19:31:28

I would guess, then, that if it's out of character for your DD to be upset, then something must have really upset her when she was there.

I second the idea to ring the mum and ask her what went on. Let her say her piece then ask her why she didn't let your DD ring you to come home? See what she says after that, but it would probably be best if you decline invites to her DD's birthdays and any other invites to go for coffee with her.

I doubt this will be the last time her DD will cause trouble for others, and if she starts this carry on in school, her mum will soon realise that her DD isn't as angelic as she likes to think.

I also agree with the idea of letting her teacher know about what has happened and that you would appreciate it if she kept an eye on the two girls. It may be that the teacher could be aware of the other DD's attempts at getting other kids into trouble.

housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 19:35:28

Just wanted to say thank you everyone for all the input. Everything is taken on board. DD is ok now, we've had a long chat today and I've said that some people just aren't very nice, but that it's ok to avoid those that don't treat us nicely and we don't have to be friends with everyone and we dont' have to tolerate nastiness from others. She is a very stoic child, and has been fine since she got home in general, she is just more of the 'I can't believe how they treated me' mindset.

I haven't decided yet whether to tackle the other mum. I think I may think on it for a day or two and see how I feel once I feel less emotional and upset about it all

SayMama Sun 24-Mar-13 19:36:48

Yes, your DD needs to know that you don't think this woman and daughter's behaviour is appropriate. The fact that you don't seem prepared to confront her incase it makes your school run awkward makes me a little sad

thegreylady Sun 24-Mar-13 19:40:17

Like some of the rest I feel it could be important for your dd to see you supporting her in this.I would ask dd if she wants you to speak to the other mum.If she says no then I would write a note to the other mum itemising what went on beginning with the seating at the meal.

gymmummy64 Sun 24-Mar-13 19:43:57

I would never ever separate one girl out from the rest as the mother did at dinner. What a recipe for disaster and this will have set the pattern for the rest of the playdate. Highly highly insensitive of her, cruel even. Even if some of the rest of the playdate might be open to interpretation, that one act alone would make me absolutely furious. I can think of nothing more guaranteed to make the singled out girl miserable and left out - and then highly likely to remain so for the rest of the playdate.

9 year old girls can be awful to each other, surely most of us go to great lengths to avoid it on occasions like this, not encourage it! This mother must have blinkers on

So, this compounded by her failure to let your DD call you (which surely to goodness is a cardinal sin in playdate world?) would have me making it very clear how I felt. And it takes a very very great deal to make me confront someone. YADDDDNBU.

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 24-Mar-13 19:43:59

I would talk to your DD and let her know that you are sad and angry on her behalf.

As for the other mother, when you next see her, say something along the lines of "DD said she asked you to phone me as she was not having a good night, I wish you had."
This lets the woman know a) You know what has happened b) that you are not happy. You are not confronting her, causing further stress for your DD, just letting her know that you are onto her.

It sounds awful. Your poor DD. sad

spottyparrot Sun 24-Mar-13 19:47:28

I think not phoning you when your dd asked was unforgivable. Your dd was subjected to an evening of bullying and I would ask the mum for an explanation as to he she didn't call when asked. Next time (not at same house obv), could dd take a mobile phone?

housefullofnoisykids Sun 24-Mar-13 19:48:22

Not just my school run, SayMama. What I mean is it may have implications for DD if I'm seen to have a public 'falling out' with another mum. This mum may royally take the hump, people may feel caught in the middle. It might mean DD gets less party invites or less playdate invites. It also might mean that whilst the kids all forget about it and get on, the mother carries it on and tells her DD to be nasty to mine, thus carrying on the nastiness. I'm not being selfish, I am trying to look at the bigger picture before I do something that might have long term implications for DD at school. Hope this clarifies things

MrsLouisTheroux Sun 24-Mar-13 19:54:46

I think you are sensible. Getting into heated 'discussions' with this woman would be a waste of time. your priority is how your DD is and keeping it calm for her is the way to go.
You have marked this woman's cards. You needn't have anything to do with her.

porridgewithblueberries Sun 24-Mar-13 19:58:30

Oh your poor DD sad I feel so sad for her, housefull - how awful. Good for her that she's bounced back so well x

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