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for not helping her when she was really ill and screaming?

(337 Posts)
ariane5 Fri 22-Mar-13 10:32:44

This is a long story sorry.

I currently go to my mums house every day as dcs all unwell and my mum lives near dcs school and helps me, as does my sister.
I don't drive so can't manage to get dcs about by bus etc due to their health problems.

My sister has epilepsy and when she is well she helps me a lot (esp since my dd2 was diagnosed diabetic in dec).when she herself is ill I am there so I help her which means my mum doesn't have to leave work.
The thing is she has a lot of absence seizures and she screams, cries out, goes rigid and doesn't know where she is, she also swears a LOT during them which is not nice for dcs to hear.
She wants somebody to hold her hand till it passes which I try to do but its so difficult as often she is upstairs so I have to leave dcs downstairs and she then won't let go of me and I worry if dcs are ok. I dread it when the call goes up she suddenly screams out and I have to run to her.

Today I heard her and my heart sank-I know its not her fault, she was probably scared but I didn't go up to her, I took dd1 dd2 and ds2 into the kitchen so they didn't hear and ten mins later I checked her to see she was ok and pretended I didn't hear.

Don't get me wrong, I love my sister but the baby gets scared or he cries then in her confused state it makes dsis jump and she gets more confused or she swears then dd2 copies and its horrible.

I feel so so bad for ignoring somebody who was screaming for help.

SneakyNinja Fri 22-Mar-13 10:36:57

Yeah so would I hmm

How old are DCs?

ariane5 Fri 22-Mar-13 10:38:54

Dd1 is 11 off school ill today, dd2 3 and ds2 is 11 months.

You shouldn't have been there 'helping' if you weren't in a position to help. Your Mum would have undoubtedly prefered to leave work than have her daughter suffering like that alone.

You should probably have a rethink of the situation, its obviously not working for you and you can't leave your sister like that again, is there anyone else around that could either be there with your sister or look after your children in future?

GlitterySkulls Fri 22-Mar-13 10:46:05

i can't believe you ignored her.

yes, seizures are horrible to witness- but they're even worse to suffer.

badtime Fri 22-Mar-13 10:46:25


If could your 11 y.o. not have been trusted to watch the others for a moment or two while you went to help another human who was suffering?

badtime Fri 22-Mar-13 10:47:00

Where did that if come from?

NatashaBee Fri 22-Mar-13 10:47:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ariane5 Fri 22-Mar-13 10:48:36

I need to be here during the day as dcs have got so many health issues I can't even manage school run etc and need to be near their school during day as they are frequently ill so need a 'base' nearby which is my mums house.

I have never not gone to her before, I checked her after I just couldn't leave dd1 as she faints a lot or dd2 as she has hypos and the baby either screams in the playpen or screms if I take him up with me as it scares him.

My mum needs to work so she can't keep leaving work and my dh needs to work so its sort of a mutual agreement we all help each other but today it was too difficult.

MrsWolowitz Fri 22-Mar-13 10:50:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SneakyNinja Fri 22-Mar-13 10:50:34

This actually makes me really uncomfortable. Your poor Sister!
Could you not have seen to her after you made sure DCs were safe in kitchen? At 11 your eldest should be able to watch the others for ten mins?

TantrumsAndBalloons Fri 22-Mar-13 10:51:22

The 11 year old could have taken the younger ones into another room though.

Personally, I think dont go there if you are not prepared to help.

Why are you there, for your sister to help you? But you cant help her when she needs it because its "upsetting"

ariane5 Fri 22-Mar-13 10:52:09

Dd1 cannot look after dcs as she faints a lot (has eds and pots) it was just too much for me looking after dcs who all have disabilities and my sister being ill. I couldn't have watched dcs, held the baby and helped her too, ds2 would have cried again that makes dsis more confused.

I checked her straight after, I havnt left the house I am trying my best. My sister has a boyfriend but he works too so can't be here to help.

RunningAgain Fri 22-Mar-13 10:52:19

You're obviously under a lot of stress, and it's a really difficult situation. You can't be all things to all people. Won't your sister understand if you explain to her?

TallGiraffe Fri 22-Mar-13 10:52:38

For 10 minutes your children would be fine on their own. Get a playpen so you can put the baby somewhere safe if you don't want you don't trust the older child.

Divided loyalties are hard, but on these occasions your sister's needs are more urgent and acute than your children's.

SneakyNinja Fri 22-Mar-13 10:52:57

x posted there, but still a system needs to be put in place so you don't have to leave her.

BeaWheesht Fri 22-Mar-13 10:53:45

Yabu . Very.

You are incredibly fortunate that you have so much help. Try and be grateful and show that to the people who help.

TallGiraffe Fri 22-Mar-13 10:54:18

X-post you have good reasons for not having he older hold looking after the younger, but a playpen would still work.

SneakyNinja Fri 22-Mar-13 10:54:41

Does your sister need a carer op? Might be worth looking into if this happens frequently.

ariane5 Fri 22-Mar-13 10:55:00

Dd1 cannot look after other dcs.

I am here to be near dcs school in case dd1 or ds1 ill (they dislocate joints a lot and frequently need to go to hosp).

How am I meant to prioritise dsis over 3 children, dd2 keeps having hypos I had to weigh up do I leave an adult alone then check ger after or leave 3 dcs alone I didn't know what to do.

BeaWheesht Fri 22-Mar-13 10:56:29

Why couldn't littlest go in a playpen? Other 2 could come upstairs? I know its horrible if the baby cries but I don't see another option.

How often does your eldest faint? Sorry I don't know what eds and pots are.

The 3 year old - does he/she have hypos often?

BarredfromhavingStella Fri 22-Mar-13 10:57:44

How awful for your sister, please don't ever let her find out what you did sad

So you are there for your convenience not really to help your sister? Does your being there mean that your sister isn't able to get a carer? Have you contacted SS at all?

ariane5 Fri 22-Mar-13 10:58:29

No she does not have a carer.

Please don't think I was being intentionally cruel.dd2 needed a blood sugar check, the baby was screaming dd1 keeps getting faint/dizzy I couldn't leave them. I checked her as soon as I could I have never not gone to her before.

I am trying my best.

megandraper Fri 22-Mar-13 10:58:41

What a difficult situation. I think you know you can't let it happen again though. You need to sit down with your sister and mother and talk it all through, and agree a plan between you.

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