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To let my mother stew in her own juices

(167 Posts)
Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 09:52:14

because i just don't have the energy or headspace for her bullshit anymore.

I really haven't been well myself (mh issues) and she is making it worse - i have had ENOUGH.

She had an appointment for the doctor (after i persuaded and cajoled her into it) only for her to get into a temper because she got a letter from the council tax people, she now has to pay £38 a year council tax and thinks this is disgusting because she is a "pensioner" and shouldnt have to pay anything (entitled, much?) So because of this, she refused to go to the doctor - i was feeling terrible by this time (a whole other thread which i namechanged for) so i took the appointment and was referred to the psych team.

So, she had an appointment which she just didn't turn up to (assumed that I would cancel it and sort things out, like i always do) and she rings me in a rage this morning because she tried to get an appointment today (like gold dust) and coudlnt get one - She only wants an appointment because she has run out of tablets, despite me telling her tht all she only needs to ring the chemist, but she has to do it a week in advace - ( i know i should have done this for her but have been all over the place lately, struggling to get through the day myself). Nothing i say can appease her, i tell her i have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and i'll get her a prescription then - not good enough, "no, you stupid cow i need the tablets tomorrow" I would have got them by then - Then i decide i have had enough - i tell her that im really not well, she knows this - she knows i was at the psych yesterday - She starts screaming at me to pull myself together or they will take my DD away.

How can i pull myself together if i have to deal with her shit too - she just slammed the phone down on me telling me she will just go without her tablets - she will die without them.

AIBU to just let her get on with it? She is a grown woman, if she can't sort her tablets out herself (she is perfectly capable of making a call, surely) then i really just don't have the energy for this - i feel bad but she does this every time she can't get her own way over things - i am sick of it. I am really unwell and she just doesn't give a flying fuck.

ElliesWellies Thu 21-Mar-13 14:14:35

The problem is, you're stuck in a pattern that you've probably been in for your whole life.

Listen to all these outside perspectives - her behaviour is not normal. If you keep on enabling her, she will just keep doing it, and the only way out of it is to call her bluff.

She hardly sounds like a helpless little old lady who genuinely can't manage to get her medicines organised.

CrapBag Thu 21-Mar-13 16:39:59

Trust us, she REALLY knows what she is doing. Dont feel sorry for her. She is having a tantrum to get you to come running as usual. Unfortunately you havne't helped her in the past by running around after her, so change it now.

She won't die, she wouldn't let that happen, just another tantrum. I'd rather deal with toddlers anyday than this! At least they grow out of it. smile

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 18:33:30

She just rang - nice as pie - would my DP mind going to put something in the loft for her. You know, like a NORMAL person would ask. No guilt trips of "oh, i have this box but i can't get it up the loft, oh i suppose i could pay so and so to do it" when my dp more than happy to help. She clearly knows i am fucked off and trying to build bridges. As tempting as it was to tell her to fuck off to the far side of fuck i sent my poor, put upon DP round to do it for her. He wasn't best pleased but anything for a bit of peace. I have a Drs appointment in the morning so if she hasn't got a prescription i can get it for her.

I am not bending though, anymore bullshit and it will be ignore ignore ignore. I just don't have the energy.

Molehillmountain Thu 21-Mar-13 18:52:54

Do leave her to it, op. I have had to do similar with my own dm. I figured there was no point me losing my own mental health trying to help her with hers, when thirty years of treatment had had little success. Seeing her every now and then she has memories of nice lunches with us rather than of big rows.

LineRunner Thu 21-Mar-13 19:07:15

Lucyellen, it sounds truly awful.

I think you do need a strategy for this, though. You didn't leave her to stew - don't blame you, it's so stressful - but you have ended up being put upon again (or your DP has by default).

Hissy Thu 21-Mar-13 19:13:58


Don't you DARE get the prescription.

And don't EVER send DP around again. In fact, screen your calls, be OUT.

We helped a Mumsnetter free herself from an entitled and overbearing mother in Spain earlier this year, she's never been happier.

Stately Homes for you girl, and no more errands.

Got that? ;-)

Hissy Thu 21-Mar-13 19:15:33

The fear you feel at the idea of NOT doing her bidding is irrational childhood fear. It's not real.

Would you let someone else treat you like this?

What does your DP say?

Talkinpeace Thu 21-Mar-13 19:16:14

would my DP mind going to put something in the loft for her. You know, like a NORMAL person would ask
No, that is NOT normal.
A normal polite person would wait until you were there anyway and offering to help with stuff and then ask.
A normal person would never ask somebody to go round to do something so trivial and non time essential.

I have a Drs appointment in the morning so if she hasn't got a prescription i can get it for her.
Are you her registered guardian?
She wants the darned pills she can get them.
Grow a backbone.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 19:17:13

She isn't trying to build bridges.

She's trying to get you back where (she feels) you belong.

And you played right into her hands. sad

Post your bloody spiders through her letter box and move to Manchester or something. grin

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 19:25:15

Don't take the prescription for her.
Don't send your DP to your mum to help. I am sure it could have waited a day or two, when it would have been more convenient for you to do it.
I would have dare asking a family member to come now to put a box in the loft. It's not because she didn't guilt trip you to do so that iot is OK.
It does show you that she can ask wo the guilt trip (so she was playing up all along!)

stephrick Thu 21-Mar-13 19:25:21

has she always been like this or is this a new thing

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 19:39:02

hmm she didn't want DP to put anything in the loft at all - she wanted to moan at him because the doctor said that her tablets would be delivered for her today and they wasn't - FFS, so why when it got to about 4 did she not bloody ring the chemists and ask if they were coming? but then perhaps she was out because we bumped into her earlier on with bags of shopping that she bought from the pet shop two miles from her fucking house. I am now in the dog house with DP as well - i fucking give up. Apparently she didn't want to tell me about the tablets and told DP not to tell me, so that i didn't worry - fuck off did she!!!! I feel such a mug

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 19:42:44

I am not surprised by her behaviour.

I am surprised that you didn't see this coming.

You have got to accept who your mother is and stop wishing for a reasonable person. That's not who she is.

You are going to have to step back and stop trying to keep her sweet and stop making everything your responsibility.

Talkinpeace Thu 21-Mar-13 19:44:00

Get an answerphone - intercept all her calls.
ONLY go round at prearranged times.
Live your lives, not hers.
You are being her willing victim.
Only YOU can make it stop.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 19:45:44

I just want a quiet life - i have so many of my own problems now, i don't have time for her shit i am going to take myself off somewhere tomorrrow (god knows where!) but somewhere totally on my own - then no fucker will be able to mess with my head!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 19:47:00

A quiet life isn't going to fall out of the sky and wrap itself around you.

Sadly. grin

You are going to have to change your behaviour in order to get it - because you can't change her. You can only change you.

ComposHat Thu 21-Mar-13 19:51:27

My Gran tried this with my mother for two years doing the 'helpless little old lady' act and very nearly drove my mum into an early grave. Me and my sister had to get her to stop agreeing to her every request - she drove 15 miles to change TV channels for her. I think my mum had the blinkers on to such an extent that she started having a go at my Dad for refusing to go and change TV channels for her. They were getting 20 plus calls a day asking them to come round to perform minor tasks that she was completely capable of doing herself.

Having let the situation morph into an all female Steptoe and Son, now she has a set day of the week when she sees her and will screen her calls on the answerphone first. She is happier and bizzarely so is my Gran who is used to having a routine, so when she does the laboured breathing 'When are you coming to see me' act, she gets a concrete answer.

Talkinpeace Thu 21-Mar-13 19:51:31

On the 5:2 diet threads are lots of newcomers who realise after their first fast that actually they control food, not it them.

You have to do the same with your MIL.
Both you and DP have to have "MiL fasting days" - when you have no contact or communication with her.
Start tomorrow.
Ignore her messages, ignore her calls, ignore her. She can wait 24 hours.

LineRunner Thu 21-Mar-13 20:00:04

... to change TV channels for her

That was one of the defining moments of my relationship with my mother.

At the time she was the same age as I am now. 50.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 20:08:52

I have had to drop everything to sort her TV out for her too blush thankfully (or not) she only lives around the corner. I swear, im "running away" tomorrow - but haven't a clue where to go, cos i have no money and its cold.

DoeEyedBeauties Thu 21-Mar-13 20:12:22

You are not alone!

Not sure if it has been said before, but it is worth having a look at Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers support group. The melodramatic tantrums sound all too familiar.

The only way to deal with NM (mine included) is Boundries, Identity and more Boundries. (but in my case had to go completely NC).

You are a grown woman, but yet she treats you like a child, like a possesion, like she is you and expects you to do what she would do (because she cannot understand your needs would be different from hers).

I never fully appreciated just how much my mother head-fucked me until I lived a normal life that was only normal once she was out of it. Councelling and distance has made all the difference.

One thing to note if it turns out she is a NM, they will never change. Never. It is part of their illness. They will never realize there is something wrong with them. You just have to protect your identity, your individuality, your self-respect because her opinion of you will never change no matter how hard you try.

Good luck and stay strong (because you are!).

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 20:30:03

DoeEyedBeauties - i totally get that. She has never ever been proud of me - i remember when i was in primary school and we had to do some sort of collage thing - i made some sort of swan thing out of fluffy material, i was really proud of it - but she changed it for one she had made and made me take that to school instead - i will never forget it, i remember the teacher making some sort of sarcastic comment about childrens parents doing their artwork - i was mortified. She has never EVER in her whole life apologised for anything. It is ridiculous - im 42 years old, with a PhD yet my mother makes me feel about 10!

Its interesting bacause i am now starting to question if my not inconsierable self esteem issues stem from this? But she was a good mother - the problem is, i have never really felt good enough as a daughter and now, i don't feel good enough for anything really. I have zero confidence, despite being loud and brash (over compensating)

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 20:38:49

LEM one thing that shines through in your posts is your marvellous sense of humour, personal warmth and resilience..and on top of that I see you have a PhD. Wow! I don't think I could manage that.

You are very quick to put yourself down , please don't. You sound lovely.

Your mum is yanking your chain big time. That's not your fault because you are conditioned to run round after her and it's hard to stop doing it.

I understand that you probably don't want to cut her out but how about working on putting some boundaries in place?

ChasedByBees Thu 21-Mar-13 20:42:08

I can't believe you sent your DP round to put something in her loft.

Even if she was a normal mum who didn't expect you to be there for her every whim, putting something in a loft is a non urgent task. Why would you send your DP round when he wants to rest? It doesn't matter how nicely she asks, you don't have to jump to her every request.

Don't you dare get her prescription tomorrow either. Don't have any involvement whatsoever in her medication. She's playing you. She's very capable and you are just hurting yourself - and to a lesser extent her - by doing everything for her. She can cope. She'll try guilt, shouting, reasonableness, the works but don't give in.

ChasedByBees Thu 21-Mar-13 20:43:39

X posts. She doesn't sound like a good mother. She really doesn't.

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