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To let my mother stew in her own juices

(167 Posts)
Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 09:52:14

because i just don't have the energy or headspace for her bullshit anymore.

I really haven't been well myself (mh issues) and she is making it worse - i have had ENOUGH.

She had an appointment for the doctor (after i persuaded and cajoled her into it) only for her to get into a temper because she got a letter from the council tax people, she now has to pay £38 a year council tax and thinks this is disgusting because she is a "pensioner" and shouldnt have to pay anything (entitled, much?) So because of this, she refused to go to the doctor - i was feeling terrible by this time (a whole other thread which i namechanged for) so i took the appointment and was referred to the psych team.

So, she had an appointment which she just didn't turn up to (assumed that I would cancel it and sort things out, like i always do) and she rings me in a rage this morning because she tried to get an appointment today (like gold dust) and coudlnt get one - She only wants an appointment because she has run out of tablets, despite me telling her tht all she only needs to ring the chemist, but she has to do it a week in advace - ( i know i should have done this for her but have been all over the place lately, struggling to get through the day myself). Nothing i say can appease her, i tell her i have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow and i'll get her a prescription then - not good enough, "no, you stupid cow i need the tablets tomorrow" I would have got them by then - Then i decide i have had enough - i tell her that im really not well, she knows this - she knows i was at the psych yesterday - She starts screaming at me to pull myself together or they will take my DD away.

How can i pull myself together if i have to deal with her shit too - she just slammed the phone down on me telling me she will just go without her tablets - she will die without them.

AIBU to just let her get on with it? She is a grown woman, if she can't sort her tablets out herself (she is perfectly capable of making a call, surely) then i really just don't have the energy for this - i feel bad but she does this every time she can't get her own way over things - i am sick of it. I am really unwell and she just doesn't give a flying fuck.

CrapBag Thu 21-Mar-13 09:56:40

Sounds like you have run around after her for far too long and now she assumes that you will do everything for her. Call her bluff, let her go without her tablets, when she sees that you aren't getting them this time, maybe she will get on with it herself.

You have your own health to deal with and a child, as you say she is a grown woman and sounds toxic. Let her stew and come back to you. Anyone who called me a stupid cow would not be hearing back from me first.

Iamcountingto3 Thu 21-Mar-13 09:56:57

Wow, I would totally be letting her sort the tablets out herself (assuming she is physically and mentally capable?) - and I would expect an apology. If she can pick up the phone to you, she can pick up the phone to the doc/chemist - if they are important tablets, they will sort something out for her.

Sounds like you need a 'stepping back' plan so she can sort out her own issues, and you can concentrate on yourself ... what do you think?

Thingiebob Thu 21-Mar-13 09:57:39

Definitely let her stew. She is a grown woman and can sort it out herself. You need to take care of yourself and your children. She is draining you of emotional energy reserves which you desperately need.

Calling you a 'stupid cow' is horrendous on its own. Fuck her. Look after yourself.

Cluffyfunt Thu 21-Mar-13 09:57:57

Just let her get on with it.
Don't answer your phone for a couple of days.
If she's well enough to be an abusive arse over the phone to you, then she's well enough to phone her doctors surgery and sort it out.
I doubt they will leave her without medication, despite what she will claim.

I hope you feel better soon thanks

Iamcountingto3 Thu 21-Mar-13 09:58:06

PS Why should you remember a week in advance to sort out her tablets - if it's just a phone call, can't she do that?

Dawndonna Thu 21-Mar-13 10:03:00

You need to look after you. Her job, as your mother is to support you, she isn't. Feck her, get yourself well and walk away. You don't need crap like that in your life.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:05:57

She has always been like this - always, she drove my dad to distraction, he had to run around like a mad thing after her. She just cannot deal with people and expects everything there and then. She IS unwell and i feel sorry for her, but she wont be helped unless its totally on her terms. The other day she wanted me to take her dog out, it was freezing cold and we had just got home from taking DD out, i was having a cup of tea to warm up. So i said i'd have a cup of tea and go and take him. I knew she wasn't happy with this "oh well, he will keep whining if i dont take him" I probably did leave it a bit long (about half hour , i can't drink scalding hot tea like some looneys do smile) and by the time i got there she had taken him herself (despite telling me she couldn't walk because she was too dizzy) Then she phoned me up and said "don't bother takin the dog out because i just let him in the garden, that will have to do now" and put the phone down on me.

She can be lovely, would give you her last penny, but then sometimes i wonder if that is how she assuages her guilt - I can count on one hand the times she has babysat for DD (she is 7), its not like she is miles away, she lives on one street - i accept this as maybe she can't cope with her but i do find it upsetting and it doesn't help me and DP that we can never go out alone, ever.

She just manages to press my buttons so easily - i ended up being shit to DP again. I

DeepRedBetty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:10:19

Wow she's absolutely awful.


Stop enabling her to be a prima donna and put your own family first before dd starts to think toxic is normal too.

diddl Thu 21-Mar-13 10:10:23

But if she's capable, then surely it's not really doing her any favours to do stuff for her?

But I would take the dog out if necessary-for the dog's sake-not hers!

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:10:32

Generosity can sometimes be not actual generosity but manipulation. It's worth remembering that.

It's also worth remembering that with such people it is better to never ask anything from them, because they will use it as a stick to beat you with!

And yes, let her deal with her own stuff. You are NOT responsible for her. Withdraw. Deal with your own stuff. She has a choice, she can begin to behave like a reasonable human being or she can try to manage without the help you give her. She treats you like this because she can.

you could always alert social services, if you feel that she needs help. But there is no reason why you have to continue to take this at the expense of your own mental health.

Iamcountingto3 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:14:28

Has anyone ever stood up to her, then, Lucyellensmum? It sounds like she is used to being able to boss people around, and has forgotten that you are doing HER a favour, and she should be grateful. I think that waiting 30 mins for someone to walk your dog (on a horrid cold day) is really not a big ask. Imagine you were asking your mum to look after your dd for half an hour whilst you popped out - and she said, "ok, I'll just finish my tea and come over". Would you be grumpy if that took her 30 mins? Would I behave like that to MY dd is always a good test of whether you're being reasonable. I bet you wouldn't.

Sounds like you're seeing a psych - have you talked to them about your mum at all?

CrapBag Thu 21-Mar-13 10:16:33

She sounds very manipulative. She can do things, she just doesn't want to and wants you to run around after her. Don't do it. She will soon learn that you are not at her beck and call.

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 10:20:44

She sounds bloody awful. YANBU.

Just think if she really does door without her tablets, at least you won't have to deal with her any more <black humour>.

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 10:21:06

Die, not door!

MixedClassBaby Thu 21-Mar-13 10:23:42

She sounds like my DM in so many ways. It's taken years but I've finally started withdrawing when she behaves badly to leave her to it. Difficult and I've found she leaves it a week or so then gets in touch as if nothing happened (never an apology!). When I mention the 'crisis' that sent her into orbit, she plays it down. It's given me the confidence to pull back in other ways e.g. not engage emotionally as this gives her ammo when she's in a dark mood. My DM has never babysat although she lives in the same town, I wouldn't even ask her now. Good luck OP, you don't have to put up with being treated like crap and she'll manage.

YouTheCat Thu 21-Mar-13 10:25:44

Stop enabling her crappy behaviour. She's a grown up and can take responsibility for herself.

Just look after yourself and your family.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:27:38

yes - although not too much detail, she doesn't get it - she sees it as a weakness

The problem is, if i DO leave her to stew and she doesn't get her tablets it really is dangerous, she KNEW she had to get her tablets last week so i said, oh well we could put the prescription in, but you should see the doctor and got her an appointment. I sat on the phone for 15 minutes while i should have been getting DD ready for school and made myself late, for an appointment she refused to go to because she got into a strop about the council tax. I had to deal with all of her benefits shit too - she was overpaid (it was their mistake not hers) and i fought them tooth and nail so she didn't have to pay it back - i kept it from her as i knew it would just be a barrel of shit, i was dealing with DWP on the phone, threatening to tae her to court etc, I had to deal with all that crap - then they did back down and didn't take the pay back (it really was their fault but i had to fiht to prove it - they wanted about £20k in benefits back!) They of coures stopped the benefit (something to do with the fact my dad had a pension and they hadn't accounted for it, even though my mum told them about hte pension) Anyway, when they stopped the benefits - who got it in the neck? yep, me - she didn't know the months of stress i had had, and she STILL throws it back in my face - it meant a loss of about £10 per week ffs, she gets enough money and now because that went she has to pay £38 a YEAR council tax - again, my fault hmm and the reason she stropped and woulnt go to the dr it her way of manipulating me - because she knows i will beg and plead with her to keep appointments etc.

DP has taken loads of time off work to take her to appointments - i have struggled and lost time on my own work too to take her. But always it involves the who carousel of "im not going" right up until the last minute when i have to beg her to go.

I am an only child, its just me - so its not like i have anyone to offload on. My eldest DD used to do loads for her, but stopped visiting because every time she went there she had a list of stuff for her to do and moan if she didn't turn up etc. DD has moved away now and works full time (lucky cow) so can't do it.

Lucyellensmum95 Thu 21-Mar-13 10:28:13

flippinada grin

doctorhamster Thu 21-Mar-13 10:29:27

Your mother is a grade one bitch and you don't deserve to be spoken to like that.

Absolutely leave her to it.

diddl Thu 21-Mar-13 10:30:54

But you can only be manipulated if you let it happen.

If she won't go to an appointment/get necessary tablets because she's in a strop-& is endangering her health-well, that's just not right tbh.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 10:37:06

Errr just leave her.
She wanted you to take the dog out but was clearly able to deal with the situation herself when you took your time.
Also leave her deal with her problems. Serioulsy, it's easy to have a go at people for £10 a mointh (or £38 a year...) when you haven't been the one to stressed out because you could end up paying £20k (And if it had been the case, I am sure she would have seen it as your fault too).

Just stop accommodating her.

If she is ill and her tablets makes her feel better, she will take responsibility to have them. It's her problem, her issues.

Please don't think you are the one responsible to see if she has an appointment with the GO, has enough tablets etc... Just STOP. Stop treating her as if she was a child, and a tantruming one too. An let her take her won responsibilities.

TumbleWeeds Thu 21-Mar-13 10:38:50

Oh btw, if not having the tablets is really endangering her health, then perhaps it is time for her to ensure she always have some with her.

When people are getting older,they do forget and might need reminding. But that's not what is happening there. She is taking you for a ride.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Thu 21-Mar-13 10:41:31

Do you actually think she will allow harm to come to herself?

No. she won't. She is playing a game of chicken with you.

If it comes right down to it, and you say no more, and she believes you, then she will get it sorted herself.

At the moment she knows that you will cave, even if it's the last minute.

You don't HAVE to organise everything for her. You don't HAVE to.

You need to change the way you think. It is not your job to sort everything out for her.

That isn't to say people can't or don't do that for relatives that need them. They do. And that's a good thing. BUT NOT when that relative is toxic and abusing them. In those cases - you need to walk away.

flippinada Thu 21-Mar-13 10:46:10

I agree that you should just leave her to it, while recognising at the sane time that it's much easier said than done.

I wouldn't mind betting that a lot of your issues with anxiety and stress are related to your mother.

And as for the comment about taking your DD away, how vile. What kind of a mother would say that to her own daughter. If they took children away from mums who are anxious and suffer from stress/depression...well, nobody would be with their mums, iyswim.

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