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To ask my DF for an 'advance' on my 'inheritance'

(100 Posts)
Greatscotty Thu 21-Mar-13 06:28:14

My DM died a year ago and since then my DF and me have finally begun to have a father/daughter relationship, free from the jealousy of my DM.

He helped me through a horrible divorce, lending me the money to fund a sol whilst I was waiting for the family home to be sold. When it did, I paid him back every penny - I wanted to, he accepted it.

I am renting a house which I can just about afford but I know I could live more cheaply if I buy and I do have a good deposit to put down on somewhere. But I live in a very expensive part of the country (expensive because it's trendy rather than it being particularly beautiful or cosmopolitan IYSWIM). I am in my early 50's and work full time so a mortgage will be harder to come by but I can do it.

DF is always asking if there's anything he can do to make things easier/better. I say no, I'll sort it, but the truth is I don't think I can afford a decentish home unless I ask DF for some financial help. How much I don't know, but maybe £15,00 max. He's not wealthy by any means but he and my DM were savers and he "has a lot put by" that is willed to me.

Am I a grasping DD to go to him and ask him for help? I feel like I am and I'm aware that my DM's 'legacy' is that I felt like I didn't deserve anything.

Your thoughts would be really helpful. Thank you.

cozietoesie Thu 21-Mar-13 11:54:22

Greatscotty has said that she could live more cheaply if she bought. There's nothing to stop her putting aside that difference in expenditure in a 'rainy day fund' which could be used in the event of care home issues - if even for the interest on a £15k loan to pay back the estate. (Which would in any case be easier for her to obtain as a home owner.)

The modest size of the amount needed really means that there are few if any implications for her over and above those which she would have to face from day to day living in rented property.

Librarina Thu 21-Mar-13 14:14:21

I'm a bit like you Great in that I've always tried to make my own way, however my parents are always offering to help me out if I mention any kind of difficulty. Like when I was upset at work my Mum said I could leave and she would give me some financial support if I wanted to retrain. In that instance I was able to work through the trouble and didn't need to take her up on her kind offer, but it does sometimes have the effect of making me not want to moan about any kind of financial woes to my folks as I find it all a bit embarassing and I'd rather sort it out myself.

However as they are both always saying 'We'd rather see you enjoy it while we're here, it'll all be yours anyway', I know in my heart that if things were really and truly bad (if I lost my job for example or if DH and I split up) they would be happy to help me as much as they can afford. Which feels weird when I'm supposed to be an independant grown-up, but also nice that my parents are so totally on my side.

I think, like others have said, next time he offers mention that you are keen to buy your own place but that you need some support, that you'd be keen to offer him shared ownership or put the difference away until you could pay him back.

Most parents are nice and want to help their kids. I'm sure I'll be helping my baby out when s/he is born, for a long long time.

BadabingBadabong Thu 21-Mar-13 14:35:18

Ragwort your parents gave you 10k then you lent them 2k but made them pay interest back? Were you kidding?

Greatscotty Thu 21-Mar-13 14:35:25

I've read all your very, very thoughtful responses and thank you.

I've got no idea what the threshold for inheritance tax is, if anyone does perhaps you can tell me.

I know he has sought legal advice about such matters because my DM went, very briefly, into care just before she died. She was something like £16 over the threshold and so he was paying a lot for her care.

So I am going to talk to him within the next few days as he asked again yesterday what he can do to help. 15k was a liberal estimate btw, hopefully it would be far less than that and I'd still expect to 'cut my cloth' according to how much I can afford to borrow as a mortgage. Don't want a palace, just somewhere for me and DD until she finally flees the nest for good.

Ironically our local paper is today quoting The Times who have 'officially' named my area as one of the top 30 towns in the UK. By this evening house prices will have jumped up AGAIN!

You have given me a lot to think about and I feel much clearer about how to talk with him, how to ensure he doesn't feel on the spot, how to avoid 'fixing' a sum in his mind which he may then feel he HAS to lend//gift whatever, and how I can let him know that I completely understand if he would rather not, or wants to help in some other way.


megandraper Thu 21-Mar-13 14:43:31

you sound like a very thoughtful person, OP, good luck.

I believe the inheritance tax threshold is £325,000, but you should check this.

It will probably make your DF very happy to see you and your DD in a home that he has helped you buy. All being well, when it's done, you could write him a letter telling him how much that means to you both - I think that might feel very meaningful to him.

Good luck, hope it works out well for you all.

ZillionChocolate Sun 24-Mar-13 09:19:43

This all requires some research, although you say he has taken advice. I have a feeling that a loaned deposit will cause trouble getting a mortgage.

sarahtigh Sun 24-Mar-13 11:03:14

threshold is 325 until 2017 a couple can transfer so OP will have 650K total later

gifts upto 3000k per year are free of inheritance tax also each parent can give each child 5k on marriage,

other gifts can be free of inheritance tax if are made out of income (not selling assets) and do not decrease living standard

asset deprivation is relative, going on 2 cruises a year in retirement, adding a conservatory to house etc is not; giving both children 100k each leaving yourself with 50k is deprivation

chat to your Dad whether 15k is ok depends on his assets,

if he is leaving money/house to your children please ask him to leave in trust until 21/25 ( maybe with interest from 18) so it is not wasted on sale although law says 18 I think a lot of 18 year olds are not sensible enough to use a one off inheritance wisely

lljkk Sun 24-Mar-13 15:11:45

I would ask.

Maryz Sun 24-Mar-13 15:20:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeenyW123 Sun 24-Mar-13 17:10:18

How old is dad? Do you know how much his estate is worth? Is he currently fit and well? You may both have an opportunity for some tax planning to reduce the amount of IHT that may eventually be due.

I think it's a good area to broach the subject with him. After all, if you need the funds now, why not?

My father has advanced me money (some of my inheritance) because it was timely and appreciated.


Greatscotty Tue 26-Mar-13 15:38:34

Hello all.

To update, I have had a talk with my DF and he is happy to help me to buy a home.

When he asked me what I needed I asked him to help out with the costs of buying (i.e. the conveyancing and survey and stamp duty) which will be somewhat less than £5k. I also offered to pay it back on a monthly basis but he refused.

I am raising the mortgage, paying the deposit and will be fully self supporting thereafter. He was very pleased to do it, he said. I am so relieved and reassured that me and DD will have somewhere to properly call home in the not too distant future.

Thank you all for helping me to have a very difficult (for me) conversation with my DF.

flowers to you all.

greenfolder Tue 26-Mar-13 15:44:23

Thats a lovely update op-enjoy your new home.

mrsjay Tue 26-Mar-13 15:47:08

from your title I did seem a little grasping and I WANT,
but your father seems willing to help you and as you said a mortgage at 50 is difficult to come by ask him if he can help you out there really is no harm in asking him is there

mrsjay Tue 26-Mar-13 15:48:06

aww should have read on ( I never do) thats great smile

NaturalBaby Tue 26-Mar-13 15:52:50

I have a relative who is 'gifting' as much as possible to avoid inheritance tax. I would suggest it to you dad if he'd rather his/your DM's hard earned money go to his family rather than the tax man.

UniqueAndAmazing Tue 26-Mar-13 15:57:22

that's wonderful that he is happy and able to help you.
which means in the future, you can do the same for your DD smile

KellyElly Tue 26-Mar-13 16:01:04

Good for you. There are too many people on these forums who seem to think parenting ends when the child moves out. If I was ever in a position to help my DD financially when she was an adult then I would. It's not grabby or grasping or any of the other words used on MN, it's what most normal loving parents would do if they were able.

Ragwort Tue 26-Mar-13 17:54:12

Thanks for updating, that sounds excellent, well done for having the conversation smile. I am sure you DF is pleased to be in a position to help you, my DPs are extremely generous and kind hearted, they can afford to be (and also give generously to charities etc in case I sound greedy grin) and I know they enjoy seeing their childrens' enjoyment.

claudedebussy Wed 27-Mar-13 18:39:14

Great outcome, Greatscotty - the best!

CabbageLeaves Thu 28-Mar-13 07:22:50


ZillionChocolate Sun 31-Mar-13 10:10:16

Great news

lovetomoan Mon 01-Apr-13 16:14:15

Good luck OP, but if you are going to ask for any help, doing before your DF marries again.

lovetomoan Mon 01-Apr-13 16:16:45

do it, not doing.

aldiwhore Mon 01-Apr-13 16:20:05

Personaly I believe in clarity, but appreciate it must have been a hard discussion for you (as it is for many people).

My parents offered to help me when I was in crisis, and the first time (not proud of one instance let alone two!) I paid every penny back, which is part of the reason why I needed to ask again... the second time, we were very honest with each other, the money will come out of my share after they're gone. That is for me the best loan ever, doesn't make things unfair for my siblings and is absolutely fine with my folks.

I believe in clarity because if you don't talk about these things, the chances of family fueds increase.

I'm really glad you've sorted this op and think you've experienced that grey area where you're not being grabby, but don't wish to be seen as such. Happy new home and happy happy relationship with your dad, it sounds like it's been a long time coming x

sherazade Mon 01-Apr-13 16:55:03

My mum took an advance on her inheritance from her mum. they were incredibly close and had a loving , perfect relationship. Nothing pleased my grandma more than knowing, before she passed away, that she helped my parents and the 5 of us children to secure a beautiful home after decades of renting, moving and living on estates.

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