AIBU to be annoyed with dh for instigating a punishment & leaving me to deal with the fallout?(39 Posts)
Bit of background:
Dh & I, although supportive of each other in front of the dds (aged 16 & 14) don't always agree on how to deal with them. He gets massively wound up about "mess & laziness" & is also a bit of a sulker who can be petty (eg dd left the breadboard out this morning, is going to a concert tonight so won't be back tonight until late, but he refused to move it as "she got it out she should put it away"). He has this attitude a lot & if he's annoyed with one of us he's "off" with all of us.
In his defence, I am probably too soft on the dds sometimes, clearing things up myself because it's easier than nagging etc, but I prefer to save battles for the big stuff.
So, over the past couple of days dh has been asking dd2 to clear up the playroom, finally giving her a specific list of things to do and a specific time by which to do it. He made it clear that if she didn't do it there would be consequences. So far, so normal. She hasn't done what he's asked & he has therefore confiscated her laptop.
However, she will only find out about this when she gets home from school and there is only me here to tell her what's happened (dh taking dd1 to the concert mentioned above & won't be back till late). I know how she will react to this & I will bear the brunt of her moaning, stropping and tantrums. I have been ill for the past few days (which is why I'm here not at work) & am annoyed that I've been left to deal with this when I'm not 100% & just want some peace to feel grotty...
I will back him up & will try to ignore her strop, but AIBU to be pissed off at him for putting me in this position & not perhaps deferring the punishment until tomorrow when he can explain it to her & deal with the fallout.
The sulking is the thing that will leave you not really liking him very much. He needs to stop that.
Your H is behaving like a petulant pre-teen child.
The two of you need to sit down and talk about your parenting approach. If he won't do this at home in a reasonable way then you should go to Relate and hammer out an agreement there.
This is an important issue. The problem is him thinking Me is We and the lack of communication that goes with taking someone else for granted.
One day soon there will only be you and H left facing each other across the kitchen table and you will need to like each other when that time comes.
I wouldnt wait two days for my toddler to tidy up, so i certainly would not tolerate a teenager not bothering.
United front is something we fail at in this house where i am the resident bad cop, it fucking hurts. You need to be on the same page as if not, the soft one isnt respected and the strict one isnt liked.
Tbh, I think you both need to agree on strategy regarding your dc.
You can easily decide what kind of punishments to give and what rules you both expect to be followed.
And tell the dc too!
I suspect it will be easier for everyone.
And agree will ALL that sulking is not on.
He should be more concerned that they'll grow up to be sulkers, like him, because he shows them its a way to get what you want!
To be fair to dh he is concerned that they will grow up selfish & incapable of looking after themselves & this is his way of dealing with it.
I definitely don't think it's wrong to expect children and teens to clean up after themselves and do have that expectation of the dds. However, I also don't think it's worth "falling out" with someone over a glass left in a room.
I have talked to dh about this and asked him to not get so wound up about these minor things. The result is that he doesn't get wound up as often, but he just ignores things that he hasn't left out / on etc. For example, dd2 often leaves the light on in the playroom when she leaves it to go to bed. She shouldn't and should remember to turn it off I do agree. However, dh's response is to leave it on all night, even if he has been the last person to go to bed. When I asked him about this he said "well you told me not to go on about it to her, so I don't. But I didn't turn it on, so why should I turn it off?"
My attitude in the house is to just tidy things up if they're not in the right place (within reason), but dh seems to have taken the general stance of "I didn't put it there so I'm not moving it"
So now I have 3 people ignoring things in the house
The sulking is a problem.
However, I don't see any problems with teaching children and especially teenagers cleanliness and giving them chores to do and if they don't do them, there will be consequences. Its getting them ready for the "adult world".
You tidying up after them is not good either. They will eventually live on their own and have a family. You can't always be there to clean after them.
It's worrying that such a small thing should leave you feeling you have to check with him, at risk of him sulking. How long has he been like this?
fair enough. She met the criteria for getting the laptop back and so she got it back.
His sulking is another issue altogether. Bloody childish sod. I have bugger all respect for sulkers. I feel my lip curling as I look at them.
"should a parent instigate a punishment that they won't be there to enforce / deal with the fallout? "
Yes. Cos it doesn't matter which one of you dishes out the punishment, it is from both of you and so either of you can oversee it.
if one of you was always giving out punishments with the intention of not being there, because they want to make the other parent the bad guy and avoid dealing with discipline, that's a problem. But it doesn't sound like that's what's going on here.
re the sulking - that would piss me right off. I HATE sulkers. It's such manipulative behaviour.
TBH if you're a team then you should be able to check that the room is tidy and then give the laptop back if it is . I would think ,particularly with daughters that you will give them the impression that the man is in charge ,IMO not a positive image to present.
Well, I've found the laptop & given it back to her, after checking she'd tidied the room. Dh is now uncontactable, so I made the decision that as he'd told her she could have the laptop back when she'd tidied the room (he said this in a text and didnt say anything about him having to inspect it) then she had kept her side of the deal.
No doubt I will be "punished" for this when dh finds out, by him sulking with me. I do really worry about him alienating himself from the dd's with his behaviour, but he can't seem to get past his annoyance at them being lazy and messy and thoughtless. Which they are, but no more than other teens IMO.
Sorry meant to add once she has done it he should tell you where it is - you have the same authority - agree with the pps on that.
You should have told her that it was both of you confiscating it and that she had to tidy the room straight away.
I think its fair enough to be honest.He gave her fair warning of what she had to do and she didn't do it.
Are you frightened of disciplining your kids?
It's not just authoritarian; the breadboard thing is petty and ungenerous and everything you don't want your teenager to grow up into. Imagine if she mimics that attitude in a work placement in a few years time and tells the boss she won't sort out the paperwork/tidy up the office/carry the files because it wasn't her who got them out in the first place: she's never going to get a job offer, is she?
Otoh, nothing wrong with firm discipline for disobedience and failing to respect other people's living space- she deserved picking up on that.
Yes, actually you are right about b) - that is excessively authoritarian
"I've told her to talk to her dad as a) I don't know where it is and b) he told me that he wanted to see the room for himself before he would give it back."
That is very disrespectful of you: "your mother isn't capable of making a parenting decision so you will have to wait until I, the capable one, come home".
Otoh your dd needs to be firmly disciplined for stropping.
Otoh the "I won't put the breadboard away because somebody else got it out" models a dreadful attitude of unhelpfulness and surliness. If she copies that and takes it out into RL, it will hamper her terribly in the workplace.
Your dh needs to reflect that he is not only the dealer out of discipline: his most important job is as a model of pleasant and attractive manners. If she doesn't see both her parents modelling those she is unlikely to pick them up.
My dad's depression started like that, too.
I don't think he is out of line on this one. The punishment was due when it was due, he didn't choose to be out deliberately. So yes, you had to cop for it.
Sounds like the real issue is his overreaction and "sweating the small stuff". DH used to be like this when our kids were small. He is miles better now he is on anti-depressants. I had no idea back then that he was depressed, thought he was just grumpy and stressed. Now I'm sure he was actually depressed.
a) I don't know where it is and b) he told me that he wanted to see the room for himself before he would give it back.
That's not really a team, is it?
I'd be very cross with him and would refuse to play along next time. Unless a) I knew where the confiscated item was and I had the authority to both apply and remove the punishment.
Otherwise, he's undermining your authority.
This sounds very like my own family, and (I never thought I'd say this) but I feel sorry for your DH. Living with a family of women can be hard, especially when it feels like they're ganging up on you. My Dad calls my mum, sister and I, "The Coven" when he feels like that's happening
not always without foundation. I get where you're coming from with the pettiness though, I wish my mum would crack down on that.
Anyway. Your DD needs to learn that she has to treat all the rooms in your house, especially those which are communal, with respect. If she shares it with her sister and her hogging/messing it up is contributing to them not getting along, then it's a battle worth having in my view.
I think you need to be firm with messy dd - as she is getting the teen room all to herself by being messy which isn't fair.
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