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To make my grown sons move to their Dads???????

(55 Posts)
lollaby Tue 19-Mar-13 13:13:15

This will be long winded but please, please stick with me, I'm desperate and about to freak out!!!
I'm a single Mum and I'm going crazy!!!
I had my first son at 18 and my other at 20. By the age of 21 I separated from their Dad and raised them on my own (although they did go to their Dads/Grans every second weekend and they are now very close to their fathers family, more so then mine) Anyway I've spent most of my life raising my sons. As kids they were sweet and adorable and all was good, but when they hit 14 it all changed, almost like they became possessed and turned into "knowing it all smart arsed teenagers". They are now 19 and 20... And nothing has changed!! if anything they now behave like the Gurus of the twenty first century and I should bow down to them when ever blessed with their presence.
There not bad boys i.e there not verbally abusive (they don't swear, well not in front of me anyway) but they do constantly call each other "idiot" or "fool" and other belittling names way too many to list, there not violent, they don't do drugs or steal or anything like that, they both go college and work part time, they both contribute financially when they can, but money is not the issue here.
My youngest son is off to Uni this September, friends and family say I'm blessed and so lucky to have them, my eldest has even been called the perfect son and in many ways he is, I love them both dearly and am so proud of them, that will never change, my love is unconditional (well sometimes) but for the last 5 years or more they both have this attitude (especially the eldest) that their the head's of the house, they both constantly undermine me and completely disregard what I say. I feel like I'm becoming a nagging, resentful old hag and I'm only 39.
We argue all the time, over stupid little things, they don't swear but they argue back and refuse to back down, I'm always the one to apologize first just to stop the negative vibes and because I feel so bad that I shouted at them. I tell them I love them and we need to find a better way to communicate, we kiss and hug but the same thing happens again. They both don't take me seriously at all, its like an endless battle or a continuous power struggle and I'm just fed up. Sometimes I actually feel like I hate them which makes me feel awful. I don't hate them, they just drive me mad.
We argue over the T.V all the time, they want to watch the bloody football as there's always some really important game on which seems to be when ever I want to watch something, I always back down and let them watch the stupid game and in turn they dominate the living room.
I also have an 8 year old daughter from a different relationship that didn't work, 8 months ago my daughter was diagnosed with Leukemia and has regular Chemo this treatment will last until November 2014. My eldest constantly teases his sister which isn't helpful or productive in any way, when I tell him to stop he just tells me not to get involved at that point I want to smack him, when I get angry they both either laugh condescendingly or moan about the sound of my voice, at that point I want to jump out the window or whack both their heads together.
The constant arguing is not healthy for my daughter and is a terrible example, she's now showing the same attitude towards me, always answering back and just seems to be ruder when her brothers are around, when their not at home she's sweet as pie, not sure if she picks up on my frustration or just mimics her brothers behavior. She also calls them "stupid" or "idiots" as that's what she hears them call each other. I hate these belittling words being thrown around the house so casually. I need to prioritize my daughter right now.
They always have an opinion on everything I do, I don't date and haven't dated for over 5 years as its just too awkward and my eldest son is always checking up on me. They come and go as they please coming home anytime they like, I don't mind as its the only time I get some peace and to be honest its the only time I get on with my eldest son, usually because his had a few drinks and isn't so up-tight.
3 weeks ago it was my 39th birthday, my eldest son didn't get me anything not even a card when I said to him jokingly a card would have been nice, he freaked out and was extremely rude. We argued but this time I didn't say sorry, I wanted to see what he would do, well 3 weeks later and we are still not talking. He walks around the house all moody and grumpy and its driving me insane.
When I have told them to go to their Dads they basically roll their eyes at me and never take me seriously but now I've had enough and I feel its time for them to either move out or live with their Dad or their Gran otherwise I feel like I'm about to go insane, we are at a deadlock and I cant keep backing down and apologizing, ultimately I want them to be happy but not at the price of my sanity.
The only problem is, my sons don't want to go, I guess its because they wont have as much freedom there as they do here and they cant huff and puff as their father will put them in their place also because he lives in a different area but its not to far, just a short bus drive and my eldest drives anyway, I suppose it just wont be so convenient for them to chill with their friends or do the things they do locally i.e football, football and more football (by the way their Dad loves football too) I'm guessing these are the reasons as they wont tell me why they don't want to move there when I ask them, sometimes they agree and say "OK", they go to their Dads or their Grans but they don't take nothing with them and they keep coming back to collect their bloody football kit and then after a few nights there back and we start all over again.
I also want my life back, is that wrong ??? I have given them twenty years of my life (some may say the best years of my life) do I have to give them the next best twenty years too? As a mother am a destined to be a martyr to my kids for the rest of my life??? Or can I claim my life back when they hit 18 or 20 or 21 ??? Or should I just wait until their ready??? It's getting tougher out there especially for the youth, is it my job to shelter them until they can afford to move out independently ??? And why oh why do I feel so guilty all the time ??? After all they are grown arsed men right ???
Sorry for the long story but any advise or opinions will be greatly appreciated.

coffeewineandchocolate Tue 19-Mar-13 13:18:15

Sounds like they have no respect for you. I think i would sit down with then together, explain how you feel, what you expect and tell then its your house, your rules and if they don't like it they can go. If its been going on a while they probably don't think you are serious

diddl Tue 19-Mar-13 13:26:01

I think that you have to lay down some rules as to how you expect to be treated & how you expect them to treat their sister.

They either do-or they're out!

It's not as if they don't have other options.

hiddenhome Tue 19-Mar-13 13:26:40

I agree with coffee You need to reclaim your life and minimise the stress on your daughter as this can interfere with the body's ability to heal.

pollyblue Tue 19-Mar-13 13:29:11

I'd left home by the time i was 19. They are fit, capable adults but it sounds like they are behaving like overgrown children still. And now they are adults they should understand that respect and consideration aren't one-way streets and - legally - you don't have to put up with their nonsense if you choose not to.

No, i don't think you should martyr yourself for your children, or expect to put your own life on hold - supporting/caring/loving them shouldn't come at the expense of your sanity or happiness.

I'm sorry about your DD sad Have your spoken to your ex about it all? are things amicable between you - could you come up with a plan of action re your ds's together?

MisForMumNotMaid Tue 19-Mar-13 13:29:40

Wow lots of frustration and a fair bit of resentment has built up so i'll try to disect my understanding and you can correct me:

Your Adult DC are treating home like a hotel where you're the proprieter and they're doing you a favour by living their.

Your DD who is in your sole care is very poorly and needs more of your time than normal.

Your elder DS's lack of respect is rubbing of on your impressionable DD.

You feel like a slave to parenthood and can see no light at the end of the tunnel and have found yourself in a situation that means you have no life outside parenthood.

I think you need to decide YOUR house rules, for the benefit and sanity of you all.

I would start with monetary rules as these effect them where it hurts most and are a reflection of the real world.

I would also list chores to be shared particularly if they are unable to help out much financially.

I think that they need to set up a rota to help out with your DD so that you can go out to a health spa/ shopping/ on a date at least once a week. You need this for your sanity.

I think stroppy DS needs to grow a pair and appologise for ignoring your birthday and if he can't appologise he needs to have his bags packed and go to his dads soon.

You sound like outside of your hotel you've raised DC to be proud of, so you've got the stuff you need to make them behave as well inside the house. I'm sure others will be along with more experience than me but i wanted to let you k ow that someone is listening.

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 19-Mar-13 13:41:23

" when I tell him to stop he just tells me not to get involved"
You do need to do something, don't you sad?

These two young men are adults, and they are very disrespectful adults to boot. Can you involve their father/Fran, get them to reinforce that they are moving and that is all there is to it?

WhereYouLeftIt Tue 19-Mar-13 13:43:11

Gran, not Fran, doh!

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 13:46:45

Yes, your house, your rules.
They can leave, as they are both adults.
You can pack their bags and have them by the door when they come in.

FloatyBeatie Tue 19-Mar-13 13:46:49

At their age it is perfectly ok to tell them that they have to find housing for themselves.

It doesn't have to be a question of saying they must go to their Dad's or their Gran's -- it isn't up to you to resolve for them the question of where they live. Telling them they must go to a relative feels like telling them that they are still children whose parents will sort things out for them.

Say they must move out and give them a time schedule within which that has to be achieved. It's up to them then to work out where else they must live.
Once they accept that housing them is now their responsibility not yours, then you can IF YOU WANT TO offer that they can continue to stay with you on decent, adult terms, i.e. paying a fixed rent and with full adult responsibility for sharing chores, as well as an obligation to treat you with respect.

Flisspaps Tue 19-Mar-13 13:48:39

At 19 and 20 they're perfectly capable if renting their own place(s). In your shoes, I'd tell them it's time to leave.

DontmindifIdo Tue 19-Mar-13 13:50:15

I think some serious conversations need to be had. Personally, yes, i think you should suggest they go to live with their dad for a while, could you speak to your Ex first and check he'd be ok with this then say over the summer you'd like them to move to their dads (although maybe the youngest going to uni it might be better saying when he comes back at Christmas it's to his dads, not yours, saving him moving then moving again a couple of months later). Present it as a united front that you need to deal with younger DD's health issues and don't have the energy now.

mummytime Tue 19-Mar-13 13:51:09

One is off to University soon, what is the other doing? You should make it clear to them that your home is the home of you and their sister now. If they want to stay they needto pay "upkeep" and act respectfully.

They are old enough to leave home, they don't have to live with either you or their father, and maybe moving out will give them some more respect.

TroublesomeEx Tue 19-Mar-13 13:53:26

You need to start being firm with the boundaries NOW!

This is what happens when parents make threats they don't follow through with and it sounds as though you've been doing this and hoping that the threat of a sanction will be enough.

Their behaviour/attitude towards you won't change unless you change your behaviour/attitude towards them. You need to take control of this situation now. If you want them out of your house - get them out of your house.

Booyhoo Tue 19-Mar-13 13:53:29


who the hell was doing the sterling job of raising these boys with such a horrible attitude towards their mother? is their father like that towards women?

i would be disgusted if my dcs treated me with so little respect.

KatyTheCleaningLady Tue 19-Mar-13 13:53:32

I think you should pack their shit, put it on the porch, and change the locks.

Although maybe you should give them the opportunity to leave peacefully.

I wouldn't try to make them behave. They don't know how and they won't change unless they go through a very painful period of adjustment. Like having to move out.

Seriously, they need to go.

Merrylegs Tue 19-Mar-13 13:55:10

Practical things, wrt to the football on tv for eg - do you have Sky or some kind of paid for channels? Because that is where the most football is. If so, unsubscribe.

msrisotto Tue 19-Mar-13 13:55:11

Yeah it's time for them to move out.

You're not still doing their washing are you? And cooking for them? Are you taking a decent amount of rent from them? It may be that they're just too comfortable if you're being too hospitable!

crashdoll Tue 19-Mar-13 13:58:44

I'd be a little softer than some of the above posters. I'd write a list of house rules, set the boundaries down and give them a month. Then, pack their bags if they put a foot out of line. You deserve to relax in your own home.

rollmeover Tue 19-Mar-13 13:59:59

I left home at 17 to go to uni - they are not babies, if they want to to keep a roof over their head they need to respect what you provide for them.

I think you have to give it one last talk. Schedule a time, sit round the dinner table, work out the house rules and make it very clear that should these be ignored then they will be show the door/have priviledges removed (no washing, cooking, shopping, payment towards digs). Write it down, like a lease so if they break the rules they can't complain.

You dont have to put up with this and your daughter certainly does not.

Whats your relationship like with their father? Can you get him on side?

JustinBsMum Tue 19-Mar-13 14:00:39

I don't see how telling them to move out will achieve anything - let's face it they don't listen to a word you say about anything else.

It's a shame you didn't date a bit - that would have shaken their confidence (eeek a new 'dad' to live with) and also let them see you as a woman in your own right not a doormat mum as you are now.

They aren't going to become loving and respectful, or not for a long time, possibly until they have a family of their own, but even then they won't have much respect for you as they have none now.

Sitting them down for 'talking to' is pointless imo.

If I was you I would pack their bags and say that you are sick of not being treated with respect and they can live with their Dad until they feel able to speak nicely to you. and that would be it, no negotiating, no threats or ranting at them, no ok try it for a while, no well you can come back in 6 months when you can speak pleasantly, nada

Your poor, poor DD and poor you. You deserve a life, love, pleasure and excitement, relaxation in your own home. Get the selfish little shits them out now.

Oh and definitely change the locks.

rollmeover Tue 19-Mar-13 14:01:46

Oh, and by the way, you sound like a really lovely mum, whose boys are a credit it to you in the outside world - you just need to get them to treat you the same way they would do a friend or a teacher.

JustinBsMum Tue 19-Mar-13 14:05:35

Agree with rollmeover probably quite pleasant to everyone else. but need their arses well kicked.

FloatyBeatie Tue 19-Mar-13 14:06:34

Agree with that rollmeover! I don't think there is any need for posters to assume op is a lousy mum and her sons "little shits". It's just a very difficult transitional time in which boundaries need to be set or the boys won't make the move from comfortable irresponsibility to adulthood.

PanpiperAtTheGatesOfYawn Tue 19-Mar-13 14:09:47

People will not change without the impetus to change. So you can threaten and threaten all you like, but if you do not follow through they will not change.

They are adults, you have done your job - hell, in another era the older boy would be married by now - you do not have to feel guilty about wanting your own life.

You can either write a list of house rules like rollmeover suggests (from my perspective this at least with salve your conscience when you did kick them out), or frankly you would be within your rights just to pack up their stuff and change the locks as others suggest.

And you really need to concentrate on your daughter. A 20 year old endlessly teasing an 8 year old who is sick with cancer? That's AWFUL. sad

He is treating your daughter with as little respect as he does you. Do you want that forever?

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