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To be waiting for the perfect proposal

(110 Posts)
Oopsiedaisie Tue 19-Mar-13 11:29:00

Nearly three years ago when I found out I was pregnant it was a surprise but both DP and I were very happy about it. I did say that I wished we were married already though. A year later DP proposed but not in a remotely romantic way (didn't get down on one knee, in a busy public place and hadn't even planned a meal or anything afterwards). I couldn't hide my disappointment and so we had a big emotional discussion and he agreed he would do it again more romantically. Almost two years later and I'm still waiting. (Admittedly in that time we've had another child and moved countries twice). Every so often I bring it up and he says he wants to do it but hasn't had time/ doesn't know what to do/ was hurt after last time etc... Last time we spoke about it he essentially admitted it was his laziness that meant it hadn't happened so far. I am growing increasingly resentful that he can find time for rugby/football/wasting time on a million other things but can't find time to be romantic JUST ONCE. But! Am I being unreasonable and a princess? should I just cut my losses, go down to the registry office and get it over with? 

Flobbadobs Tue 19-Mar-13 13:39:20

Well I proposed to DH in a pub toilet on NYE while sat on the sink (loong story!)he accepted and told everyone we were getting married when we went back out! 13 years and 3 children later thats still pretty much as romantic as we get grin
YABU and very princessy, he probably has performance anxiety.

looplee Tue 19-Mar-13 13:41:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable. A proposal is the most romantic act between two people, whether you propose or he does, it's a commitment of love to each other. I know some of the mumitches on here will suggest having a child is the same, it isn't - that's a commitment & love to your child, to your family. Romance is not a glitzy ring, a fancy venue (or pulling your weight in the house!!!) but a thoughtful gesture however small or great. I'm sorry but I agree with you, it sounds like he has been utterly thoughtless, he knew marriage was important to you when expecting your first child and yet chose to be frivolous with your proposal. He has even recognized that it is important to you, promised to do it again and admitted to being too lazy to do it!!!! This is not you being unreasonable but him. Don't "cut your loses" yet - 'nearly three years ago' and you have moved countries twice and had two children in that time???!!!! You deserve this proposal!!!! And you deserve it the way you want and the way he knows you want it. You're obviously a committed loving family unit but this is about the both of you. Hold in there, I think he wants to do it and will. I'm glad someone else still believes in romance (and it's importance) too. xx

LandofTute Tue 19-Mar-13 13:43:52

I think asking someone to marry you is romantic however it is done. What is very unromantic is following up the proposal by bollocking him and telling him you expect him to do it again your way next time. That's controlling and treating him like a toddler rather than a future husband. I'm not surprised he is in no rush to repeat the experience. Your idea of a romantic proposal might be his idea of corny cheesiness. It is mine!

reallyyummymummy Tue 19-Mar-13 13:46:30

You are being U - deciding to get married is not romantic. Just because your DH can't be conventionally romantic does not mean that he is not romantic or that he does not love you. In fact, IME, it is the men that don't always make a song and dance that are the most reliable.

motherinferior Tue 19-Mar-13 13:46:42

My partner did the romantic proposal thing....

...and I went into shock, nearly passed out and said "you want me to do whaaatttt??" grin

I wear the very pretty ring he produced, but despite his grumblings I still haven't married him grin

ToomuchWaternotWine Tue 19-Mar-13 13:47:24

purple my DH also proposed by the Trevi fountain in Rome! And my favourite colour is purple .... <plays music from Tales,of the Unexpected>

It was a lovely thing to do (esp as he knew it was one of my favourite places in the world) but many years on, it really really doesn't mean much, just a nice story to occasionally mention when friends are reminiscing over a bottle of wine. That's all.

Give the guy a break.

givemeaclue Tue 19-Mar-13 13:48:01

Forget the proposal, just agree a date andffocus on the wedding

mysterynamechanger Tue 19-Mar-13 13:48:35

Oopsie I think YANBU for the way that you feel. I had similar high expectations of my ideal honeymoon. Rather than imagining my perfect wedding I would fantasise about where I would go on honeymoon and imagined some month long romantic break visiting all the countries I had ever wanted to visit.

Instead what I got was one night in a cheap hotel (that had a leakage in our room so we had to be moved) and then the rest of it was spent moving in to my new flat in a different city. My DH took 2 days off and was back at work less then a week after our wedding whilst I still had a few weeks off and spent most of my time off sitting at home watching tv as I didn't know anyone there (oh and crying about what a huge let down this marriage malarkey was).

Anyway I understand how disappointing it can be when you don't get the fantasy that you have spent a long time building up. However I think for your sanity and happiness you need to accept that your DH just doesn't think the proposal is as important an event as you do and that is just the way he is, not (like I agonised about) a reflection of his commitment and love for you. I spent too long getting over how rubbish my honeymoon was but once I did let it go I was able to appreciate all the lovely things my DH did for me before the wedding and since. And I am much happy for it.

gilly86 Tue 19-Mar-13 13:53:02

<rolls eyes at looplee> grin

The poor guy has proposed and she said yes! Why the bloody hell should he be told to do it again? It's done!

He's got years and years ahead of him to do romantic things but the PROPOSAL is DONE!

Doing it again will be soooo awkward and not genuine.

It's like when my DH got me a box of chocs on valentines day and I said "hmmph could've got me some flowers!"... Half joking/half meant it...

2 days later he came home with flowers..kinda nice but he only got them because of what I said... Made it all a bit naff and I wish I hadn't said anything really!

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 13:55:32

He has proposed, but it wasn't good enough?

I wouldn't repeat it.

You either accept it or not, FGS.

Just because Darcy proposed to Elizabeth twice doesn't mean you should turn the first attempt down on principle
And that was because he was a twat in his first proposal. Not because he was not sufficiently romantic!

comelywenchlywoo Tue 19-Mar-13 14:08:59

Sorry, but YABU, and were cruel to your DP. He probably has the stage-fright now rather than being lazy.

My DH, didn't really "propose" to me as such. At first I was embarrassed if someone asked me as I didn't have a story to tell. Now, 8 years later, I couldn't care less. Stop being a Princess and get married!

Lambzig Tue 19-Mar-13 14:09:52

My DH and I were in Bangkok planning to travel to the south for three weeks island lazing. DH had a big proposal planned and had hired a boat and chef to take us to an island for a private dinner a couple of weeks into our holiday. He ended up blurting out a proposal in a pub off the kao San road because it was ruining his holiday thinking about it all the time and he couldn't wait. I think that's much more romantic than what he had planned.

I think three years later the moment has passed for big romance from your partner. I can see why he hasn't done anything about it since then. You probably need to let it go.

TheOriginalSteamingNit Tue 19-Mar-13 14:16:29

Unreasonable and pretty pathetic, I'm afraid. Do you want to get married, or just be proposed to? If the former, get on and bloody do it, since you've both agreed to. If the latter, why would you even want it if the former is not the most important thing - unless you are a child or something.

mungotracy Tue 19-Mar-13 14:20:50

"Am I being unreasonable and a princess? "

yes, yove also undermined any chance of him doing it properly by making that about pressure...... if you are that bothered why don't YOU propose romantically?

quoteunquote Tue 19-Mar-13 14:25:39

you could have a jedi wedding and dress up as leia

Wishiwasanheiress Tue 19-Mar-13 14:32:59

Oh god, ur one of those aren't u? Marry anyone that takes them up the Eiffel Tower. Champagne in fancy restaurant, violinists serenading as u jump from the top of said tower (to be different) amid fireworks....

And then u return and bore the absolute socks off everyone who knows u.

Ur ideas seem very about faced. I recommend wedding classes first. This might not be such a good idea, kids or not...

catus Tue 19-Mar-13 14:43:37

Yabu. That poor guy !
Do you realise how nerve racking proposing can be ? I proposed to DH, and I was a mess. Give him a break, please.

montage Tue 19-Mar-13 15:02:07

Someone asked you to marry him because he loves you so much he wants to spend his life with you. That's why people propose.

Your reply to that was that you don't like the way he asked.

I think you missed the point.

DaemonPantalaemon Tue 19-Mar-13 15:12:57

Dearest Oopsiedaisie

Congratulations on your lovely kids, and on your man. He is your man, and you need to focus on that. The "romantic" proposal and all that is just fairytale wifflewaffle. He wants you, and he wants to be with you. He proposed, you said yes (I suppose), now get ahead with planning your wedding if you want one, and the rest of your life.

Life is never how you plan it to be, and the key is to find joy in what you have.

Good luck! And be happy!

Lueji Tue 19-Mar-13 15:17:02

Have you actually said yes?

I hope you have by now and are planning the wedding. smile

mrscumberbatch Tue 19-Mar-13 15:21:49

I can sympathise OP as DP is lazy and popped the question to me, minus a ring, while we were on a train in a 'So eh, should we get married then?' way.

I think that for him to put a bit of effort in just once shouldn't be too much!

That said, I wouldn't want anything in public with lots of people I don't know. Just something thoughtful.

Floggingmolly Tue 19-Mar-13 15:29:12

You've been very specific about what you want? hmm. A flaming bridezilla before you've even set the date...

Pandemoniaa Tue 19-Mar-13 15:36:37

"Am I being unreasonable and a princess? "

Well yes. I'm afraid you are. How many more times does the man have to propose until you decide it is entirely to your satisfaction? Only if I were your partner I'd have gone off the idea altogether by now.

He's asked you to marry him. For fuck's sake get on with it. Stop trying to turn back time.

TobyLerone Tue 19-Mar-13 15:39:18

Yabu and a brat.

DontmindifIdo Tue 19-Mar-13 15:45:27

how about you sit him down, say you think the moment for a big overblown romantic propsal is passed, so would he just like to ask you right now, you'll say yes and get on with wedding planning, spending the money he'd spend on the 'event' on having a perfect wedding or a rather lovely engagement ring instead?

romantic proposals are lovely, but they don't mean you will have a happier marriage - I believe Tony Blair proposed to Cherie while she was in the middle of cleaning the toilet, yet 4 DCs later, for all each of their various great faults, they still seem very happy together.

In fact, some of the most sucessful marriages I know didn't have romantic proposals, perhaps because the couple were focused on being married, not being engaged.

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