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To be waiting for the perfect proposal

(110 Posts)
Oopsiedaisie Tue 19-Mar-13 11:29:00

Nearly three years ago when I found out I was pregnant it was a surprise but both DP and I were very happy about it. I did say that I wished we were married already though. A year later DP proposed but not in a remotely romantic way (didn't get down on one knee, in a busy public place and hadn't even planned a meal or anything afterwards). I couldn't hide my disappointment and so we had a big emotional discussion and he agreed he would do it again more romantically. Almost two years later and I'm still waiting. (Admittedly in that time we've had another child and moved countries twice). Every so often I bring it up and he says he wants to do it but hasn't had time/ doesn't know what to do/ was hurt after last time etc... Last time we spoke about it he essentially admitted it was his laziness that meant it hadn't happened so far. I am growing increasingly resentful that he can find time for rugby/football/wasting time on a million other things but can't find time to be romantic JUST ONCE. But! Am I being unreasonable and a princess? should I just cut my losses, go down to the registry office and get it over with? 

Pilfette Tue 19-Mar-13 11:49:12

quote I'd have died, I know it's lovely but I'd have been curled up in a corner somewhere thinking 'make it stop'. I'm a grouch, huh?

Oopsiedaisie Tue 19-Mar-13 11:49:28

Quote unquote - I've seen that before - hilarious! No I really wasn't asking for much just that he'd thought about it beforehand. Partly I had my hopes up as whenever he'd spoken about proposing he'd always said how it should be at the right moment etc. he'd kind of built it up in my already over-romanticized head.

WilsonFrickett Tue 19-Mar-13 11:50:41

Have you any idea how much guts it must take to ask someone to marry you? And then you pee'd on his parade because it 'wasn't romantic' enough?

Poor bloke. There's no way he'll put himself 'out there' again and I don't blame him tbh. If you want to get married, sit down and have a conversation about it and then get married. You're putting your life on hold for a perfect moment - that's just daft.

Toasttoppers Tue 19-Mar-13 11:53:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

louschmoo Tue 19-Mar-13 11:53:48

Problem is your 'dream proposal' is just that - your dream, not his. I kind of think that you have to be realistic about your expectations of these things. It's easier to plan a romantic wedding because the bride has lots of control. But the proposal is really about the asker and if he feels rejected already he may be feeling all 'sod it then'. Maybe you need to reassure him that no matter how he asks you in the future, you will say yes. And then stick to that promise even if it doesn't live up to your dream.

gilly86 Tue 19-Mar-13 11:55:34

My DH proposed to me on valentines day... At home in his boxers! I was in bed and he came in the room with a cup of tea, got down on one knee and proposed.

It was lovely but I think before it happened I probably expected more!

However.. I'd never ask him to do it again and would never go back in time and change it even if I could.

DH is romantic etc when he wants to be... He's booked lovely weekends away for us and holidays as a surprise... He buy me the odd bunch of flowers every now and then.. Takes me out for meals sometimes.. Comes home with a box of chocolates (probably when they are on special offer!)... I wouldn't change him and wouldn't change the proposal!

We got married 10 months later in the same church my siblings and my parents all got married in.. We had a wonderful reception with all of our family and friends. Couldn't have wished for more perfect day!

Personally I think you're putting pressure on your DP to do something he doesn't want to do. He's already proposed.. He's already shown he loves you and wants to marry you. What do you want another proposal for?! It's just awkward.. The moments passed!

If it was the other way around, how would you feel about him asking you to propose again but in a bigger and better way?!

PureQuintessence Tue 19-Mar-13 11:56:57


You did not marry him because you did not like the way he proposed?

Well, no wonder if now does not want to be married to you when you clearly valued the idea of the proposal higher than married life together.

AllYoursBabooshka Tue 19-Mar-13 11:57:22

Maybe he is like me and can't act?

He know his completely organic proposal (which must have felt right) wasn't good enough and now has to construct some romantic fantasy of yours.

It wouldn't be real. I would hate that.

I do hope you both get a happy ending though, what ever happens. Just don't forget it's his moment too. smile

gilly86 Tue 19-Mar-13 11:57:34

In conclusion, YABU

Doyouthinktheysaurus Tue 19-Mar-13 11:58:09

Honestly, how your partner proposes is not what you will remember years down the line.

Marriage is about the partnership you create together, the commitment to stick together through good times and bad. That's what matters.

Dh and I had no big proposal, we talked about it and kind of made the decision together. That was many years ago! We've since had 2 children, I've had cancer and he's lost his mum and dad. We have supported each other through all of that and are still very much in love and a partnership.

Op in the kindest possible way, I want to say you have lost perspective a bit. Whatever your poor DH comes up with probably won't hit the mark anyway, it's gone on too long!

MortifiedAdams Tue 19-Mar-13 12:00:01

DH and I had been together eight years when he proposed - id thought he never would. I was stressed after a big day at work, had to clean the house as my parents were visiting and was frankly, an arse to him all evening. He still asked, and we ordered kebab afterwards grin

It was perfect because it was him asking me to be his wife. The details are frankly.irrelevant.

KC225 Tue 19-Mar-13 12:00:25

My friend's husband is really into fishing, he spelt out Marry Me in dead fish on the bank, stripped naked and covered his wedding tackle with one of the catch and his fishing mates took a photo of him pointing to the Marry Me dead fish then he text it to her ....... not the grand gesture she was expecting but it made her laugh and that photo became their wedding invitation

livinginwonderland Tue 19-Mar-13 12:00:30

yabu, you must have crushed him. poor guy.

seeker Tue 19-Mar-13 12:01:47

So he proposed and you criticised the way he did it and told him to do it again?

Unreasonable and a princess- yep.

Unless he's a git, in which case, lucky escape- and a chance to think again!

Fakebook Tue 19-Mar-13 12:02:37

He propose to you and you were disappointed? Then you had a long emotional discussion about it? confused.

YABU. And ungrateful. You also seem to be living in a dream bubble.

PureQuintessence Tue 19-Mar-13 12:03:58

You have not answered what you want most: The marriage or the Proposal.

How about arranging an actor to play your boyfriends part, and stage it JUST the way you envisage it? You can ask all your friends to donate funds for this for your next birthday treat!


beginnings Tue 19-Mar-13 12:04:08

I am married to the most Unromantic man in the entire world. He proposed when slightly drunk, on a traffic island. I had to hand him a list of three jewellers the following day and say, "I'm not working to your timescales on a ring, one of these can sort you out". We went to the first one who answered the phone.

Still love him though. And intend growing old with him. Even though he drives me bananas.

I think the lovely weekend away is a gorgeous idea.

gilly86 Tue 19-Mar-13 12:06:29

The more I think about this, the more I feel sorry for your DP.

I would never even have dreamt of asking my DH to propose again... I find the whole concept HORRIBLE!

"Ok the answers yes but ask me again and do it better next time!"

Or else what!? You will change your mind?!

Why should he? You have said yes. So why does he need to ASK again!!?

My DH would've felt like shit if I had asked him to do it again but in a more impressive way. It's just rude. I can't get my head around this or WHY you feel this way.

mrsjay Tue 19-Mar-13 12:09:27

I feel sorry for him too

nope not good enough try again confused

AngryFeet Tue 19-Mar-13 12:11:22

Look it isn't a big deal. I know people who had the most amazing proposals and they are now divorced. DH and I just 'agreed' to get married one day in the car on the way home. We are one of the most happy and solid couples I know.

If you are happy together and want to spend your lives together then get married. I agree with the poster upthread who said life isn't a film. It is one moment in a hopefully long life together.

AngryFeet Tue 19-Mar-13 12:13:30

Jesus KC225! The grooms meat and two veg on the invite?! There's one wedding I wouldn't be attending ;)

WorraLiberty Tue 19-Mar-13 12:14:26

Am I being unreasonable and a princess?



flowery Tue 19-Mar-13 12:15:52

The moment has gone. He's already proposed. There is no longer a surprise element meaning any staged dramatic proposal event will be completely false and ridiculous.

Presumably you accepted his proposal even though you had an "emotional discussion" (argument?) about it not being romantic enough? Get on with planning the wedding of your dreams.

Thistledew Tue 19-Mar-13 12:36:02

YABU and somewhat controlling. If you want to celebrate or mark your engagement in a particular way, then you need to organise it yourself. I don't blame your DP for not asking you again- he asked you in a way that presumably felt real and genuine to him, and you rejected his efforts. You now want him to do it again in a way that would almost certainly feel artificial and awkward for him. He is probably worried about getting it wrong again and you saying no to him again.

What you are saying to him is that you will only marry him if he lives up to some dream vision that you have in your mind, but it is the man you are supposed to be marrying, you don't marry a proposal.

You need to let go of the vision that you had of how things would happen, and take stock of whether you do in fact want to be married to this man. Either he is good enough to be married to or he is not. You are making decisions about your future based on a fantasy that never came about.

Purple2012 Tue 19-Mar-13 12:38:01

My husbands proposal wasnt particularly romantic. I would have hated the down on one knee busy place thing. He proposed in a bar by the trevi fountain in Rome that we only went into as I was dying to go to the loo! He just held my hands told me he wanted to marry me and produced a ring he had picked himself. I don't think I even actually said the word yes straight away! I always knew we would get married so knew he would propose at some point.

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