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AIBU?

To have a child with my ex?

124 replies

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 18/03/2013 14:12

Me and exp split several months ago, we already have ds who is nearly 2. The split was amicable, we still speak often and occasionally have days out with all of us together and it's not awkward. We are good friends.
I'd like ds to have a sibling with a fairly smallish age gap between them
My reasoning is
1: I know ex is a good dad, he has 50% custody of ds and is really good with him, always has been very hands on and involved.
2: if I waited to meet someone else down the line there wouldn't be the smallish age gap I'd like and there's also a possibility they could switch once baby is born or once I'm pregnant and become an uninterested waste of space. I'd feel so bad for the second child.
3: I think it would be easier in someways for them to have the same father. There's less likely to be resenment and jelousy between them.
4: I already know we produce very cute babies kidding!

Now I its uh a bit unconventional and i know things can change, I could still meet someone and have number 3 with them etc etc etc I'm not discounting all these things but as far as things go apart from the possibility of all that is this a stupid idea and why?
On a side note, I work and can afford to have number 2. I'm not expecting anyone to "pay" for my children. I know most of you will say this is irrelevant and your right but I also know there will be people at home who would otherwise assume I'm not working and not going to be.
I know it will be more difficult than it was with ds as exp would be around but not as much as he was with ds.

OP posts:

Report

KellyElly · 18/03/2013 14:13

What does he have to say about it?

ExpatAl · 18/03/2013 14:14

No idea about unreasonable, but stupid? Yes.

weighingitallup · 18/03/2013 14:16

Why is he your ex?

SparklyVampire · 18/03/2013 14:18

I think it's selfish on your part tbh, every child deserves to be brought into a loving family. Not into somthing broken like this, just because you fancy another baby.

HerrenaHarridan · 18/03/2013 14:24

If he is up for it I don't see why not

Pp. sound like they've got a good working parenting relationship not a broken mess

Babyroobs · 18/03/2013 14:26

My cousin did a similar thing - decided to have a brief fling with ex because she didn't want the stigma(as she saw it) of two kids by two different dads. I'm not sure how she explains it to her son now that she wasn't even in a proper relationship with his dad, and why there is a seven year gap between him and his brother. Most of the family thought she was nuts.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 18/03/2013 14:26

Care to expand expat? Nothing more stupid than a response saying its stupid but with no explanation.
Sparkly I agree with you, however when I had ds it was it was a loving family and then things changed. Life doesn't always go to plan and he's just as loved now as he ever was and knows he has 2. Parents who would do anything for him and get on well.
Kelly he'd do it.
Weighing. We had a hard time of things, he had an accident with his back, it put us under a lot of pressure and he wasn't able to work for a while. He's recovering now and has a job

OP posts:

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 18/03/2013 14:29

Babyroo my friend said the same to me along the lines of what would you tell them? Am I being naive in thinking I can't imagine a child asking if you were in a relationship with their dad when they were conceived? Maybe asking why you split etc but " mummy were you actually together when you had me?" I just can't see it

OP posts:

Babyroobs · 18/03/2013 14:30

I think it would be fine if he was in agreement . Is there any chance of you getting back together ?

weighingitallup · 18/03/2013 14:31

Another family broken by bloody money worries :( for you I know how hard tht can be.

I think you need to be very clear about things - it could work, but i can't help but wonder if you are not really over him yet? Could there be something in the back of your mind that is making you think this could hold the family unit together? That having another baby might mean you would get back together, then you know this would be wrong - however, if you are 100% sure in your head that you are "just friends" I can see your logic, and don't see why it woudlnt work.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 18/03/2013 14:33

Yes in all fairness there probably is a fair chance but I didn't include in the op as for the time being its irrelevant and I don't want that to influence people's answers

OP posts:

ExpatAl · 18/03/2013 14:33

He might be a good father to your ds but now he's your ex and any baby you have will not have the same security that your ds has. Why would you deliberately bring a child into a broken relationship? And if your ex is up for it to he's just as delusional. If you would both do it though why are you not still together?

Snuppeline · 18/03/2013 14:36

I' understand where you are c

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 18/03/2013 14:37

Weighing I absolutely see your point and actually I would have jumped to the same conclusion reading this thread. However he'd come back to me now ( I'm not saying this to be big headed) so it's not about me wanting to get us back together. He's got a job, he's moving forward in life and were both doing well plus ds likes the excitement of the change of scenery so it's working well for everyone like this.
He's 70 miles away so not nearby.

OP posts:

INeverSaidThat · 18/03/2013 14:37

I think it could work and I don't think it is a stupid idea. You would have to think about it a lot and discuss everything beforehand. (Obviously)
I agree that it would be nice for the DC's to have the same Dad and to be close in age.

Scholes34 · 18/03/2013 14:40

How amicable is your relationship? Amicable enough not to need a turkey baster?

INeverSaidThat · 18/03/2013 14:40

If you do go ahead I wouldn't discuss it with too many people in real life. Otherwise, it will just become a talking point. There is nothing wrong with doing it but it should be no one else's buisness IYSWIM.

badtasteflump · 18/03/2013 14:40

YABU.

Here's a plan - why not chill out and stop worrying about age gaps, get on with your life and (hopefully) meet the man you want to spend the rest of your life with. Then have more children

Snuppeline · 18/03/2013 14:41

Sorry, on phone. Was going to say I understand where your coming from. I'm sure some women/men stay together until they have their preferred number of children before splitting up. I know of a couple anyway. However, as there's no guarantee that your exp won't meet someone else during your pregnancy or early days with a newborn which will perhaps change the dynamic of your arrangement I would say you are risking quite a lot. Also, if this man has had health problems before what are the chances he will get unwell again and not be able to contribute financially or practically to your dc? I wouldn't jump to have more children if not sure of finances - mine and fathers. But that's just me.

Why don't you see if you have a future together as a couple before deciding on more children? Large gaps is not the end of the world.

Cockadoodlequack · 18/03/2013 14:41

So, presumably you would just sleep together until you fell pregnant? You recently split, he is a good guy and your friend.... I can't see that getting awkward or complicated at all!.....

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 18/03/2013 14:44

Expat iv put a few responses which explain vaguely why we split and aren't together.
I know you can't guarantee anyone's personality and you'll probably think I'm naive to say it but honestly it's not in his nature to be like that. He's ridiculously loyal to family, always has been. He still had his first ever teddy that was his comforter when he was a baby. I can't see him snubbing his second child. I'll accept however that I'm not psychic.

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 18/03/2013 14:45

Hardly a basis for a stable family life. That's my opinion. But we all have to live our lives according to our values. So you must do what you think fit.

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Floggingmolly · 18/03/2013 14:48

None of your reasons hold water; but no. 2 is positively ridiculous.

Timetoask · 18/03/2013 14:48

The way you write about it sounds so "planned" and "logical" that I really feel this new baby would be a project rather than a wish to have a family.
I understand how you feel, but, it really is best to try and have babies when you are in a loving relationship with a person you love. The baby deserves this.

Also, based on what you say, your ex seems to still love you, I think it would be unfair "use" him in this way. He also deserves to find someone to love and have more children with. This chance may be taken away from him if he has a second baby with you.

LittleWhiteWolf · 18/03/2013 14:49

I'm with Expat. It doesn't sound very sensible to me and I do think you are naive to think that your DC2 will never ask about your relationship at the time of his/her conception. Maybe not as a child but as they grow up I'm sure it will come out. I think it would be very weird for them.

You say your Ex would get back together with you...any chance that's why he says he'd be keen to have another baby? As a way of getting you back? I hope that's not the case as a baby should never be used as a bargaining chip to fixing a relationship.

Obviously no matter what anyone on this thread says you'll do what you and your Ex decide, so good luck to you whatever.

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