To want to have an easier life? Mid-life crisis?(25 Posts)
Not really sure why I'm posting as it seems unreasonable already - I get fed up sometimes of being a mother of three; running my own business; working with DH [until last week, when he got a job after >18 months]; doing all the housework; supervising ESs homework [GCSE and he just doesn't seem to 'get it', so needs to be reminded constantly]; getting 3 Ss to practice their music [they are all very talented but would rather be watching TV like DH]; whilst DH has just spent 3 hours sleeping in front of the TV, while I try to fit in half hour's guitar practice myself [managed the half hour, but not without 2 interruptions, despite having locked myself in my room].
Just feel that at nearly 50, I want more from my own life and I'd rather be single! Even going out with the family is a chore - there's always one person who isn't ready when everyone else is and it's such a waste of time. They then spend the time out bickering and whining and winding each other up. I'm getting too old for the constant organising, reorganising, justifying why we need to do things and when. It's one argument after another right now and I can't stand the fact that I have to keep dishing out instructions x 4.
I just hate being in my 40s and am dreading my 50s. After no income for 2 years [the businesses aren't making any money yet], we've lost everything we'd worked for and it feels as if we're starting all over again.
I know there must be other 'discontented's out there. Any advice or AIBU and just shut up and get on with it?
I can offer you sympathy, as I am in a sorta similar boat.
Try and carve out some time for yourself out of the house. Go for a walk or to a cafe and read or whatever, but go out by yourself. You need it for your health.
Hi I know just how you feel like your whole life is about providing for everyone else . In whatever form that may take money and the day to day care. I think sometimes we are to blame for this ourself because sometimes its just easy to do everything for them rather than force the family to pitch in. I have found that taking some time and a little bit of money for myself each month it helps to lift my mood and in return it makes day to day better.
I admit, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate, a ton of responsibilities and not a lot of fun or money.
How strict are you? It sounds like you're lumbered with a lot while the other four members of the house just coast along and you find yourself responsible for making sure everything gets done. How old are your DC? The say one is doing GCSEs, what about the others?
I think I'd be tempted to ban TV during the week (might be easier to do this now your DH is going back to work), and let everyone know that there is going to be a new regime in place where each person takes a lot more responsibility for their own work. So, homework for X period of time when they get in from school, music practice from e.g. 5-6pm, and TV for a short period of time before bed and ONLY if all homework and music practice is complete.
Personal discipline and responsiblility is learned and a very necessary life skill. If you constantly have to keep reminding everyone and taking on that responsibility yourself, what will your DC do when they have to study independently? They'll fart about and not get their work done. Be tough - you'll be doing everyone a favour and after a while you might find you have a bit more time yourself and your own interests.
Sounds like your DH doesn't do much to help with either housework or parenting. Is it an even split?
P.S. One other thought - do your DC do chores? If not, start making that part of their daily routine too. All teenagers (I'm guessing yours are teens), should be participating in the running of the house. Loading/emptying the dishwasher, helping with laundry, putting out the rubbish, washing up, feeding animals, etc. If there isn't time during the week, give them Saturday morning chores. Again, it teaches personal responsibility and might them a bit more grateful for everything that gets done for them. You might want to phase these changes in (the new homework/music practice regime now, the chores during the Easter hols, for instance).
Actually I shouldn't have said 'help' at all. Does he do his equal share of housework and parenting?
I have too much time in a way!
I am in my early 50s with 2 teenage dcs and a dh.
I work 30 hours a week.
The dcs really do their own thing, and we never go out as a family , so I don't have anything to organise that way.
I do some ferrying around in the car on a Saturday morning, but otherwise not much else.
I can't believe you get interruppted while ou are dong your own thing..I would be livid. You need to tell them that it's unacceptale and there will be consequences if it happens again.
How old are your dcs? Do they want to do music?
Feeling completely inadequate and a total failure. Just received an email from ESs tutor - see new thread - "Son just won't study".
No matter what I do, no-one listens or does as I ask. I have constant back chat when i ask them to do chores - even if I suggest "in the next 15 minutes, I want you to...", I have to remind them 30 mins later to do it; then another half hour later...
Most weekends I will start the 'bring your homework downstairs so I can supervise you" from about 09:30 and I'll still be asking by 3:30, in between organising MSs social life; getting someone to walk the dog; making cuppas for DH.
To answer earlier question - sons are 15; 13 and 10; so really should be old enough to be responsible for a fair amount?!
I would step back. I know it's hard, but your sons need to learn that success in life is 30% talent, 70% application and hard graft. If they don't work hard, they'll get nowhere, so they might as well learn that now.
On the music, I would say "You need to practice for x time a week to justify me paying for the lessons. If you don't, the lessons stop because I'm not wasting my money if you're wasting your talent. It's disresepctful"
Re homework, I wouldn't say anything. Let them get put in detention or whatever happens.
re chores, no chores= no screen time, no allowance etc.
At the moment they have no respect for your time or your money. To change that, you need to demonstrate that both are limited commodities and are conditional on them pulling their fingers' out. However, could be that they're simply mimicing your DH's behaviour, so he needs to get off the sofa too.
You are NOT a failure. They are failing themselves.
Well to me its because your children are still young that maybe you feel this way. Im 50 and my children are now 22 ans 20 and its much much easier the older they get. You just have to maybe be a bit firmer about carving out time for yourself for now.
Chores = screen time.
Lazy DH = no cuppas made.
OP You sound exhausted - It's great news that DH has got a new job I agree with everyone else that DC and DH need to step up and share the load. DC could cook and clear up a main meal for everyone one day a week. They should be helping with cleaning, tidying up and general running of the home. Ditto DH.
You need some time for yourself. Please find whatever it is that rocks your boat and do it on a regular basis.
Regarding being over 50, don't get stressed about it, I am over halfway through my 50s and life is sweet.
Dc of that age need to be a) clearing up after themselves b) making an appropriate contribution to the chores. Make them jointly responsible for one meal a week incl cooking and clearing up. Give them a regular task each (hoovering, loading/unloading dishwasher, etc.)
None of that will work, though, if your dh doesn't pull his weight. That seems one of the most urgent things you need to address.
And agree, your time is your time and your goodwill should be dependent on basic respect.
Your DH sounds bone idle and unsupportive. No wonder your sons are following his lead.
'No matter what I do, no-one listens or does as I ask'.
They seem to hold you in contempt. Who has taught them that? Your DH needs a kick.
I'm nearly 50 - it's not an age to be running around after ingrates. It's a time to start pleasing yourself. That isn't a midlife crisis - it's natural justice!
I think the main message to me is to get DH moving [literally]. He may have a very pressured job now - after 18 months of being obsessed with wasting our money on a business venture I frankly have no faith in any more and is still costing us money to run, he is now obsessed with working stupid hours in his new job. He's only in week 3 and already he works 5am 'til 8/9 pm with me scuttling around ferrying tea and sandwiches to make sure he actually does eat. He skypes me from upstairs now! Does this smack of bad time management or is this job so full-on that actually, I'd rather he wasn't doing it, but we need the £?
This weekend I snapped at him cos he'd spent all Sunday watching TV with his feet up - apart from a very short walk with the dog to fetch YS home from a neighbour - justifying it by saying he was going to be v busy next week, so needs to veg out. I have tried reasoning that all this sitting around all day long [7 days a week] really isn't good for his health, but he won't accept that.
You need to to talk this through with someone. Identify the issues. Start making changes. Put yourself higher up the list of priorities. Sounds like your stuck in a rut. Once you start to think and behave differently everyone else around you will change too. Be warned though your husband might not like the new you!
Agree with everyone else really. 1. Agree about stepping back, and let them sort out their own homework. I don't think you are doing them any favours by "encouraging" them, let them find their own motivation (or not). Nagging children about homework is very stressful and a waste of time IMO 2. Chores and responsibilities - give them some .
I agree about natural justice. I think by your children's age they should be helping you more, definitely, as part of the household. I think at this age you should be starting to feel like a Queen in your own home especially after all the care and work involved in bringing up young children.
You are doing far too much for everyone else. Work out a rota of reasonable jobs for everyone to do. Stop nagging about homework - your dcs are old enough to take the consequences. Likewise, music practice. If they aren't motivated enough themselves then you'll just exhaust yourself trying to force it into them. Your dh does not need endless cups of tea made. He's an adult and won't die of thirst.
Basically, step back a bit and work out how to put yourself first for a change.
Thanks everyone - feel quite emotional now. Haven't been on for a bit, but not much has changed - yet. I am trying to work on it!Flowers:
Nearly done with Easter holidays and still very up and down emotionally. Two eldest boys have been a bit more co-operative re chores - they moan but they do get on with it; although I admit it's almost comical some of the arguments they have over who's dried the most mugs; or how many times they've unloaded the dishwasher this week!
Still cross about the lack of guitar practise [for me]; the boys are practising their music more regularly this week - YS has taught himself an excellent rendition of an Eric Clapton number; and MS is teaching himself several bass riffs which he is great at - if a bit loud!
Things should get easier once they're back at school and DHs job finally gets him out of the house.
Thanks to everyone for advice / sharing - not completely out of the woods yet, but getting there.
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