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To think that it is normal to love your children more than your partner?

(195 Posts)
honeytea Sat 16-Mar-13 20:05:03

I was talking to DS today more like talking at DS he is only 3 months old I said to him "Having you as my son is the best thing that has ever happened to me" Dp overheard and said "what about me! Am I not the best thing that ever happened to you?"

I said to Dp that it is normal to love your kids more than each other, Dp thinks it is not normal.

I think parental love and romantic love is very different, I am still breastfeeding DS so maybe it is the breastfeeding hormones that are making me feel so in love with DS.

How does it work in your family?

RaspberryRuffle Sat 16-Mar-13 20:37:15

Exactly what dreamingbohemian said. They're 2 different kinds of love and can't really be compared.

TheOneAndOnlyAlpha Sat 16-Mar-13 20:37:19

I love chocolate. I also love cheese. But which one is better? Only one way to find out.....

ThreeWheelsGood Sat 16-Mar-13 20:37:24

nevertoolate - Maybe I have a male brain despite being a mum(!). I think I have pnd so I'm probably wrong. I was just using the wording of the op, I don't think it's "normal" to tell your dp you love the kids more than them, I don't think I ever would but I'd love them in different ways.

dreamingbohemian Sat 16-Mar-13 20:39:23

What I find interesting is how it's pretty taboo for women to say they love their partner more than their children. I'm thinking of Michael Chabon's wife (name escapes me) who wrote an essay about loving her husband more than their children and everyone freaked out, people reported her to social services, it was crazy.

I don't think any answer is particularly 'normal', people just think about things differently.

MrsTerryPratchett Sat 16-Mar-13 20:39:48

Beamur you made my hay fever flare up <sniffs>.

dreamingbohemian Sat 16-Mar-13 20:42:49

Beamur I had that exact same conversation (and revision!) with my DH smile

Schooldidi Sat 16-Mar-13 20:43:56

I love my dcs more. He is well aware of his place in the pecking order. He loves them more than he loves me as well.

I can imagine live without dp but I can't imagine my life without my dds in it.

LadyPessaryPam Sat 16-Mar-13 20:45:44

When my DCs were small they rules my life, they were the centre of everything. as they grew older my DH figured larger and larger again. It's biology I think. Now my DH is my most important person because we hopefully will be spending our retirement together.

thebody Sat 16-Mar-13 20:46:23

Zukiecat, they didn't deserve to have a child did they? How vile of your mother to say that to you. So sorry.

I love my Dcs, the 2 grown up ones just as much as when they were babies, probably even more as they are more vulnerable( if you have grown up Dcs you will understand this)

When we thought dd might have been killed in an accident last year for about 5 hours It was the worst experience fear and total sock of my and Dhs lives.

We love each other but the kids come first every time for us both.

DragonMamma Sat 16-Mar-13 20:46:29

I love my DC's unconditionally

I love my DH conditionally i.e. he doesn't turn in to some selfish arsewipe and/or have an affair/lie

jamdonut Sat 16-Mar-13 20:50:54

My eldest child is now 20. I have spent the last 2 - 3 years "letting go " of him. I don't love him any less, but he has his own life (although still living at home) and the rest of the family aren't really a part of that life. I feel this happening to a lesser extent with my 16 year old DD. She is most likely going to go to University and talks of a time when she won't be at home,and although I love her to bits, it is time to start the disentangling. My 13 year old Ds still needs me and probably will for some time yet.
DH...we've been married 23 years this year. We've had ups and downs, but I still love him intensely.(I am his second wife, he's my "first" husband.) I can't see things changing any time soon smile

wordfactory Sat 16-Mar-13 20:54:22

Oh my wor, I certainly wouldn't want to say I love one more than the other.

I have certainly prioritised DC in a way I haven't my DH. But then I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with DH, but i certainly don't expect or indeed want to spend the rest of my life with DC.

BegoniaBampot Sat 16-Mar-13 21:01:12

Children way above husband. I'm really surprised people have said the love is the same though can understand it might change as children get older. Maybe says something about our relationship.

Startail Sat 16-Mar-13 21:10:15

DH is my lover and my BF, he was before the DDs were born, I hope he will be after they leave home. He's been part of my life for 25 years.
And the DDs are our children born from that love and friendship.

I think I'd miss DH more if he died and be more upset if it was one of the DDs with their future still ahead of them, if that makes any sense.

DigestivesWithCheese Sat 16-Mar-13 21:10:56

Children above husband, he feels the same, we both think that's normal. Although for the first year we had DS, I remember feeling terribly guilty about that and probably wouldn't have admitted it to DH.

We've discussed the 'horrible accident' thing too and it's clear that the priority for both of us would be to get the children to safety first. That's what I would want more than anything so I understand DH feeling the same.

suebfg Sat 16-Mar-13 21:12:12

I think it's totally normal

TheBookofRuth Sat 16-Mar-13 21:20:39

I love my daughter more than anyone else in the world, including my DH. I'd die for her. I'd kill for her. I adore my DH, but DD definitely has the edge.

DH claims he feels the same way, but I don't believe him, as he also said, in the "horrible accident, you can only save one" scenario, he would save me, because "you can make another her, she couldn't make another you". I pointed out that in that hideous situation, I wouldn't be making any more babies with him, because I'd never be able to forgive him.

Urgh. I've freaked myself out just thinking about it.

pettyprudence Sat 16-Mar-13 21:25:08

DS is a toddler so sometimes I do love dh more grin

But seriously, its a different love. My love for ds is unconditional whereas with dh.... if he were to behave like ds he would be out the door grin. DH was a bit put out initially that he wasn't top of the list but as his love/bond grew with ds, I got shunted down his list too. And we both know its a different kind of love which isn't really comparable. Theoretically as our love for ds is unconditional it is "greater".

Since ds arrived I do feel a deeper love with dh, but I also have a deeper annoyance with him too...

pettyprudence Sat 16-Mar-13 21:28:18

Good point TheBookofRuth - I would never die/kill for dh but wouldn't think twice about doing it for dh. And if a really horrible scenario arose I would sacrifice dh for ds.

Janni Sat 16-Mar-13 21:30:23

If you want to preserve your relationship, it's probably better to avoid letting your partner know that you love the children more. I'm 16 years down the line and it took me a while to realise this.

thebody Sat 16-Mar-13 21:30:56

I don't get the letting go of older children thing.

Oh holy Jesus that makes me sound like a potential mil from hell and I definatly won't be.

But you have total control over a baby and young child. You know where they are and can keep them safe( generally)

The older they get the more risky it is because they drive, meet strangers, get drunk, go on the gap year to Thailand etc.

Just realised talking bollocks as dd was hurt on a school trip and I trusted and still do trust the teachers to keep her safe.

Still Dcs above dh for me though and love him to bits.

firesidechat Sat 16-Mar-13 21:31:41

*DH is my lover and my BF, he was before the DDs were born, I hope he will be after they leave home. He's been part of my life for 25 years.
And the DDs are our children born from that love and friendship.*

I think I'd miss DH more if he died and be more upset if it was one of the DDs with their future still ahead of them, if that makes any sense.

Startail - this is how I feel too. I do wonder if the difference between alot of the posters here is due to the ages of their children. When they become adults you have to disconnect a bit and let them live their own lives. They have husbands/partners who will hopefully love them and look after them. In a way it's a relief to let someone else take over slightly.

motherinferior Sat 16-Mar-13 21:33:46

DP is a perfectly nice bloke. But he's one of a series of partners I've had; he's the third man I've lived with and I am well aware that if we split up I'd pick myself up and carry on perfectly competently.

My children, now, it's totally different. Totally.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Sat 16-Mar-13 21:36:18

For me it's not down to the ages of the dc, my youngest is only just two and I have always felt the same even when they were babies

I adore my dc, I love them beyond measure and I would do anything for them, but I don't love them more than my DH

honeytea Sat 16-Mar-13 21:36:34

I moved to another country and my mum was so angry at my dp for "stealing" me. I thought she was crazy but now I understand 100%.

I am glad I am not the only one who feels more love for their dc than their dp.

ANother thing I love about ds is they way he is a mix of all the people I love (well the people in my family and dp)

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