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To be uspet at family's behaviour at FIL funeral

(70 Posts)
brummiegirl1 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:28:16

I went to my FIL funeral a couple of days ago as he sadly died of COPD. Prior to my FIL death i hadn't much contact with my IL's apart from speaking to my MIL who do get on with very well. My MIL and FIL were divorced but stayed friends. The reason i hadn't seen much of my IL's was because since i have had my children i don't want them around smoke and my IL's are heavy smokers and smoke in the house. I have never made an issue about their smoking as it is there house. My husband also does not want our children around smoke so it's not just me. My dad also died of COPD so smoking is a big deal to me. Just explaining a bit of background which i know is not relevant to the funeral but just to explain why their may be tension.

On the day of the funeral due to timings DH suggested i stay in the car while he went inside as they would be smoking while waiting for the funeral cars to arrive which i did. TBH i would haave probably have done this anyway regardless of the smoking as the service was my DS2 feed time so i decided to feed him in the car(breastfed and dinner) which took about 30 minutes).

When we arrived at the church i said to my husband to not worry about me to just concentrate on remembering his dad. He went on ahead to help carry his dad. I went to go in and other family members did not speak to me at all or invite me to sit with them. In fact all i saw was their backs. I understand they were grieving but they were talking and giggling to each other as they were going in and i was just right at the back. My DH didn't even get to sit on the front row as they didn't leave room for him. I ended up sitting at the back in the end anyway as baby started to get unsettled.

When we came out of church everyone gathered outside talking and no one spoke at all to me or my baby. I spoke to my MIL who is lovely.

At the wake my DH wasn't going to go as we live an hour away and he has a strained relationship with his family but i said to him that he may regret it if he didn't go in memory of his dad and DH agreed. We ended up going but only staying a short time. Again i wasn't spoke to and DH noticed(i didnt say anything to him but it was so obvious) My niece her boyfriend and her brothers girlfriend were giving me dirty looks. TBH honest i felt like i shouldn't have been there and that is what they were probably tthinking but my dh said he wanted me there. I should have expected them not to taalk to me but to ignore my DS was poor taste tbh.

Sorry i don't want to make it about me as i understand its a difficult time as its a funeral but i can't ignore what an uncomfortable feeling it was. We are also planning a christening soon and it will probably cause problems again as apart from MIL no one else bothered coming to our DS1 christening from husbands family as they think im over reacting about not wanting my children around smoke.

Filibear Sat 16-Mar-13 18:17:15

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

PureQuintessence Sat 16-Mar-13 18:18:05

Not sure why your brought your judgey pants and your babies to a funeral to meet people you disapprove of, and then make a POINT and hide in the car.

To "support" your husband?

You behaved ridiculously.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 16-Mar-13 18:18:05

It sounds like this is much bigger than you and your relationship with them. It sounds like it's about your DH as well

brummiegirl1 Sat 16-Mar-13 18:19:32

To add DH who was grieving also didn't want our son in a room full of smoke too. He also wanted the baby there and as it was his dad he has a say too, i did take baby to the back when he got grizzly and he then quietened down otherwise i would have taken him to the car.. Because of breastfeeding and DH family not being local ihad to take baby or not go and DH wanted me to go.
I'm sorry Sarahbumbarer you are entitled to your opinion but i have to disagree that my reasons are not strong enough. My dad died of COPD, DH dad died of COPD so i think it is a very good reason to not have my baby around smoke.

LandofTute Sat 16-Mar-13 18:19:52

Did you or your husband visit his dad and take your children to visit their grandad when he was dying in hospital?

PureQuintessence Sat 16-Mar-13 18:20:53

I am an avid non-smoker, and that is my choice. My inlaws smoke a lot. My children will not shrink, or die, or get acute lung cancer or emphysema by sometimes being subjected to smoke. And neither will yours.

You really showed both rudeness, coupled with lack of tact manners and empathy, at a funeral where their close family had died. I am utterly shocked!

cleofatra Sat 16-Mar-13 18:22:57

Let me get this right?

Did you and your family arrive at the home of the grieving family and then , while your dh went inside, you stayed in the car and waited until he came out and then you drove to the church together?

cleofatra Sat 16-Mar-13 18:24:15

Getting this right sat outside the house, in the car, for a good 30 minutes?

QOD Sat 16-Mar-13 18:26:38

Once or twice wouldn't hurt. It really wouldn't. We let dd have a relationship with her grandparents, an hour a week in a room that's been smoked in with an open window ....

Figgygal Sat 16-Mar-13 18:28:19

I can't imagine it was nice to be you In that situation but I'm totally with Freddie on this one sorry

cleofatra Sat 16-Mar-13 18:29:24

I'm just imagining how it must have looked from inside the house.

You and dh arrive, he goes inside to grieving family who ask where you are. He replies you are in the car and won't be coming in. You sit in car for over half an hour while they get ready to accompany their dead family member to the church.

That must have looked REALLY bad.

stifnstav Sat 16-Mar-13 18:29:39

Let me get this straight... MIL lost her husband and you SENT A CARD?

Imagine if your son grows and marries someone who sends you a card when your DH dies. Then sits outside, deeming you worthy of only a wave.

I am surprised she even spoke to you.

And your anti-smoking stance, given the cause of death, could make your behaviour seem all "I told you so". You were shamefully rude.

TallGiraffe Sat 16-Mar-13 18:31:23

I'm sorry you've lost 2 people to COPD, but I am guessing they smoked a lot over a long period of time? Occasional second hand smoke (while not ideal) is really not going to have a similar effect. I would suggest it is more damaging to the children to see relatives not having a good relationship. Time to make some effort on your part I think.

stifnstav Sat 16-Mar-13 18:32:48

Sending a card but not speaking to your MIL who has lost her husband/friend until the day of the funeral. Can't get over it. Are you saying you didn't ring her, really?

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 16-Mar-13 18:36:56

Your MIL was divorced from your FIL. That means she wasn't close family any longer and it wasn't her you needed to be "running it by" to bring the baby. Did you send cards to the rest of the close family?

Baby is 8 months, not 8 weeks. You only live an hour away.

I am gobsmacked at your rudeness. And sense of entitlement. And I'm really stepping away now.

brummiegirl1 Sat 16-Mar-13 18:37:46

Of course i spoke to my MIL before the funeral frequently on the phone, i sent a card aswell! And i spoke to MIL on the day of the funeral

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 16-Mar-13 18:39:30

You should not have take the baby if you were not prepared to interact in the normal way.

I think that being in their company for an hour would have done no harm to the baby and you and your DH are being illogical about this.

drownangels Sat 16-Mar-13 18:39:31

I wouldn't have spoken to you either as you have made your disapproval quite clear.

brummiegirl1 Sat 16-Mar-13 18:39:35

DH wanted baby there and as it was his dad its up to him too

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 16-Mar-13 18:39:44

taken the baby

freddiemisagreatshag Sat 16-Mar-13 18:40:46

shockJesus Christ they live an hour away. Not a 12 hour flight and a trek up a mountain. Could you not have, you know, gone to SEE them?

DowntonTrout Sat 16-Mar-13 18:41:29

I think you are getting a hard time here- butim afraid I completely agree.

This is your DH father- who DIED. Everyone is grieving. Breast feeding or anything else doesn't mean a jot in this instance. What comes first, if only for a few hours is the family and respect for the emotions that exist that day.

It is not a time for making a point about smoking or anything else really.

DowntonTrout Sat 16-Mar-13 18:48:30

And actually - when I burried my father- I appreciated the people who came up to me with stories about my dad but I didn't make the effort to go around everyone and be inclusive.
Maybe they were just grieving .

It is not really a social occasion or close family. Perhaps you did not make enough effort.

Jayne266 Sat 16-Mar-13 18:53:36

Am sorry you had a bad experience I hope your feeling upset because you were worried for your DH and his loss.

Unfortunately taking you lil one and needing a feed straight away had put you in a awkward situation as you couldn't offer your condolences. I had to attend a funeral (3 days after i gave birth) of a friend who was like a second mum to me and the family requested I bring the baby. I didn't bring him as I don't feel I could have grieved properly with him there and also didn't want him to get upset and disturb the ceremony.

This was their request to bring him I felt it wasn't appropriate.

I think you DH wanted him there but considering your issues with other family members it's a sore topic.

I don't know much about the past but I think the best thing now is to not focus on it help your DH and MIL grieve and don't worry about it.

Sorry for your DH loss by the way.

shesariver Sat 16-Mar-13 18:58:06

Regardless of you thinking you had very valid reasons sitting in the car and not going inside is extremely rude and will have been taken like this, you would come across badly by not going into the house - and then you wonder why people didnt speak to you? Dont you get it?

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