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to not talk to him in the morning?

(92 Posts)
CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 03:44:29

DP and I have been together 5 years and have a 2yo.

We go out together with friends in town about once a month, he goes evey other weekend. Tonight he came back from work and asked if he could meet his best friend as they havnt seen each other for ages for a couple pints. I thought ok, no problem I know him so know he'll be out all night! I can deal with that.

After a phone call to see what time he'd be back to see if I should leave a key out it transpired that he hasn't seen his mate at all. (He said he'd be back late so about 2am usually)

Another friend we go out with a lot text me to ask if he was home yet, he wasn't so I rang him to see where he was and my best friend from school answered, so said hi lovely to talk to her and my DP said hed be home soon.

Then got a text from her saying DP was at hers and might stay! I still talk to her a lot she's a life long friend. The kind u only see 3 times a year but ur always close. DP knows her as my friend, never socialised with her together and he's never met her flatmate (girl)

This makes me uncomfortable and I don't see why he couldn't come home. He's staying at 2 girls flat he doesn't really know, he said he does know her so what's the problem? He's now asleep on her sofa and I'm annoyed he's put me in this situations.

Whose being unreasonable? Is it me :s
He knows I'm unsecure! For good reason too.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sat 16-Mar-13 07:27:43

You don't go to sleep drunk at 5 then wake up at 7, I bet he hasn't slept.
This sounds to me like of a tropical case of " oh but I can change him" let's face it we all love a challenge but at some point you have to accept that he isn't going to change and your happiness and your daughters stability have to come first.

AThingInYourLife Sat 16-Mar-13 07:29:07

Do not go and get him.

You are not his taxi service.

PS he is shagging your "friend"

LindyHemming Sat 16-Mar-13 07:31:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sat 16-Mar-13 07:34:54

He's an absolute arsehole. He treats you and your DD with total disdain. He certainly doesn't respect you - if he did he wouldn't have stayed at another woman's flat, sofa or not hmm.

He behaves this way because he knows he can get away with it. He has you right where he wants you - even picking him up in such situations, which to his tiny mind will say that means you are ok with it all. Even though you've tried telling and showing him how much you dislike his behaviour in the past, it hasn't worked because you end up carrying on as normal.

He's not going to change. You have to.

And I hate saying that because you're the one doing everything right, but sadly things will only change if you make them change. Right now he walks all over you but you don't have to put up with it, you know.

Don't pick him up - at all. Tell him to walk if he has no money. Start thinking about your future. Is this what you want from your relationship? If not, make plans to start afresh, without him if necessary.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 16-Mar-13 07:37:27

He's stayed the night with two girls.
He didn't tell you where he was.
Another mate rang you to ask if he was home yet.
He didn't meet the friend he went out to meet.
He regularly pulls this shit.

I'd say he doesn't hide his phone because he doesn't care enough about your feelings - not because he has nothing to hide.

If he's not already cheating on you (which I suspect he probably is when he gets the opportunity for a no strings shag) then I would put money on him doing so because, in his mind he's young and deserves to 'have fun' sad

It sounds like it's going to be a hell of a long time before he grows up unfortunately and if I were you (knowing what I know now, not what I would have done at your age mind you!!), is tell him to move out. You and your DD will be much happier when he's not causing you this stress. I know it's a hard thing to do and I know that you don't want to lose face with your friends and family and that 'putting up with this shit & coping' makes you feel strong - but you know what, it takes a strong woman to say 'I am worth more than this shit - so leave' - you can do it.

EmmaBemma Sat 16-Mar-13 07:44:41

Well done for standing up to him! And I agree with you, his age is no excuse for the way he's treated you. Me and my fella might be old farts now (well, we're in our thirties) but we got together when we were younger than you and he would never have treated me like your partner is treating you. He's being a selfish prick, and you don't deserve it.

Inertia Sat 16-Mar-13 07:45:14

Glad you said no to picking him up.

He isn't behaving like a partner , nor a father. If you and DD have the temerity to inconvenience him - by coming out of hospital post birth for instance - he bugger off to do what the hello he likes. You don't have to wait for him to cheat to decide that things are not working - he's pulling plenty of other crap already.

Inertia Sat 16-Mar-13 07:47:38

Sorry , typos - should be buggers and hello .

BelleDameSansMerci Sat 16-Mar-13 08:03:35

Your comment about "manning up" is key here. He could man up. He is choosing not to. If he continues to choose not to you may find it hard to tolerate.

Jux Sat 16-Mar-13 08:21:01

Well, he's got things all nicely going his way, hasn't he? That's because you've 'manned up' but he hasn't.

Do you go out and stay out getting pissed until 2am, spending all your money so you have to stay on some bloke's sofa, then ring him and expect him to get up and come and pick you up? No? Oh, that'll be because you're being responsible and adult, because you have a child.

Funny how he thinks that doesn't apply to him.

manticlimactic Sat 16-Mar-13 08:21:32

So if he didn't go and meet this mate, which was the basis of the night out, who on earth did he stay out with(going on the assumption the mate didn't turn up)?

Coconutty Sat 16-Mar-13 08:30:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kyrptonite Sat 16-Mar-13 08:33:07

You don't need him. Your daughter doesn't need him. He sounds awful and you're being taken advantage of. Don't pick him up. Pack his things and give him a nice surprise when he finally rolls up hungover.

FutTheShuckUp Sat 16-Mar-13 08:42:14

Seriously? This is very sad, the way you seem to have conditioned yourself into thinking this is okay, he's not too bad, he's not done enough wrong to leave him...

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 08:42:47

ohhh I know your all so right, I know he's treating me like shit and I do know I could do better.I don't know if I'm ready to give it all up but I don't know why I feel like that? I don't know whether to sit down with him tomorrow when he's not hungover and tell him if he puts his happiness above mine or our DD's again then I'm walking. his parents bought our house and we're renting it, to be honest they know what a pain he is and would make him leave but I would feel like he always has the chance to come back, its close to his parents house.

I think he knows how much I do for him and he knows he should appreciate it and he doesn't, I'm always wondering how he can make me feel like this is he loves me. I always always put him first (except with DD) because I want him to be happy, he wonders why I'm moody with him all the time but how can I not be?

I'm 21 and my life is in a rut. He is selfish, arrogant, sexist, spiteful etc etc. And I actually can't think of anything nice he's done specially for me since we had DD. We never go out alone we have to go in to town with everyone and get drunk. This is nice sometimes to have a laugh but I would be happy with cinema and dinner but he doesn't have the money for that - but has money for stag do's abroad?!

Manticlimatic - we know a lot of people in town because its inbetween both our secondary school, if he did do anything there it would be risky to say the least! But if MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot is right then he could be and people are covering for him!

he managed to find money to get a taxi home funnily enough. He went straight to bed, tried to get me to give him a cuddle which I said no to, then said he was horny! I just said there was no way I was touching that! I don't know where its been! I'm just going to leave him alone today, and just guilt trip him, there's no point talking to him like this it won't go in.

I have so much family support from both sides so I could do it. I just don't want to sad all I want is him to put me before his friends. Its not a lot to ask is it? Rrrr! I'm getting upset and I don't want to be!

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 08:50:42

FutTheShuckUp - I do think he's done enough, I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't even know when I lost all my self respect! I always used to be the agony aunt friend who gave advice on leaving shitty boyfriends at school and look what I ended up with. I love my friends iv made through him and with him as a couple, I love his family, I love that I can be a SAHM. I have a really nice life, and he's ruining it

DrHolmes Sat 16-Mar-13 08:54:06

It sounds like he took some drugs last night. Not coming home, all his money spent, the 2 hours "sleep" but probably just taking lines of coke, the coming home and being horny. All the soldiers are lining up.
My ex was like this. Note: EX.

Good luck

BertieBotts Sat 16-Mar-13 08:57:53

It wouldn't bother me at all if dp stayed at a female friend's house, what would bother me is the lying, and also the fact you know for a fact he could have come home easily. That is what would be bothering me if I was in your shoes, although the fact he got off with other girls early in your relationship isn't a good sign either.

I agree with you that if he wanted to grow up, he would do. You have, after all. I do also agree with others though that if he hasn't done that by himself by now you don't have a hope in changing him. And it makes me feel angry to think of yet another young father who doesn't step up and the mother ends up being left with all of the responsibility. And society's answer to this? Oh, men take longer to mature, it isn't his fault. hmm fucking pathetic.

Kyrptonite Sat 16-Mar-13 09:00:26

I've been where you are OP and nothing will change. If he can't put his daughter before going out drinking/shagging/drug taking or whatever he was up to then he won't ever put you first.

You have support. You can do this but please make it on your terms before he ruins every last bit of your self respect and confidence.

BoysAreLikeDogs Sat 16-Mar-13 09:00:26

sweetheart get yourself tested for STDs

do you have a close agony aunt friend/family member who could support you in RL?

cees Sat 16-Mar-13 09:04:25

He is not likely to wise up when all your going to do is sulk/guilt him for the day, he probably won't care enough to notice. You and your dd can do better then this, she doesn't need to grow up thinking that men can treat women like shit and get away with it.

kalidanger Sat 16-Mar-13 09:05:54

Another friend we go out with a lot text me to ask if he was home yet

Is this a usual thing to happen? Had your friend seen him out and, probably possibly chatting up someone else (your old friend, where he ended up) and was concerned for you when she (?) saw him leaving with someone else?

And the two hours thing seems like just enough time to get his end away then decide he wants to be home in his warm bed sad

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 09:06:06

Don't beat yourself up for not wanting to end things.
Don't we all want to have a great relationship and a happy family with the father of our dcs?
Trouble is, some men are arseholes and we're better off without them.
You would probably be better (IMHO) renting a different property if you are going to consider breaking up. Renting from his parents will cause you problems in the long run. They may see what he's like but he is still their son and it will be harder to get rid if you're there.
You're young with a supportive family and a lovely little girl. You can do better than this. I can't say LTB because really, it's none of my business is it, but it might be worth taking stock and looking to the real supportive relationships in your life so you can disengage a bit from him.

Oh and btw. YANBU. wink

Emilythornesbff Sat 16-Mar-13 09:08:11

Oh, and i agree with others about the drug thing. Don't know if you're ok with that or not but looks very likely from your op scenario.

CorsicaJane Sat 16-Mar-13 09:10:37

I have 2 sisters and my mum who I'm really close with, iv just text my sister to show him rthe thread. I know he's an arsehole but I honestly didn't realise how bad he was, and it just makes me realise how much better my life couled be, even just me and DD.

Bertie Botts - I wouldn't have minded him staying at his friends house's it would have been annoying but ok. If girls I knew and were my friends too it wouldn't be a problem, it was my friends he stayed at, with a female flatmate who had a bad reputation at school he's never met before and he never socialises with my friend. Only see's her in passing or at our DD's birthday parties. That's why I think it was completely unnecessary.

I think next step is ultimatum and maybe try save some emergency money up, and be prepared for it and ready to walk out. I know I could walk out now and I duno if I'm been conditioned or just broken but I don't know if I can leave without that chance

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