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Or are my parents a complete waste of time and energy

(229 Posts)
mummysgoingmad Sat 16-Mar-13 02:31:45

So i'm 20 weeks pregnant I have one 4 year old son whose autistic and I am currently attempting to gain my degree in nursing.

A couple of weeks ago my car broke down very suddenly when I was on my way to a placement for uni. This particular placement is in the middle of nowhere so I really do need my car. My father took out a loan so I could buy the car (this took 6 solid months of begging and finally my brothers had a word. he can afford to help as he has a very good job working off shore) and I pay him back every month through paypal as he lives abroad. When the car broke down I thought I would try and appeal to his better nature and I asked him if I could defer on this month?s payment for the car as I needed to get it fixed, well he went nuts! I said ? dad I need my car I have to get to placement I have one child who I have to transport around and another on the way? to which he replied ? don?t even start me on your that (meaning the pregnancy) it?s a fucking mistake and if I was you I would get rid of it!? #

Now, there was absolutely no need for that reply was there? I swiftly told him he is a horrible old man and not to contact me again. I did however say that he would get the car payments back even if it puts me into debt doing it.

Now for my mum! She had been involved in a very toxic relationship with a man for 3 years. I thought it was over last year when he beat her and was really relieved as I cannot stand him. My brother and I traveled the 86 miles to remove him from her home and make sure she was ok. After this my aunties and he friends began to tell me other things this man had done for example, screaming in my son?s face (he hates loud noises and get really distraught) pinning my mum by the throat to a wall, the list is endless really. Needless to say he is a nasty drunken idiot, and if I ever saw him again I would quite happily run over him and then reverse back over him just to make sure I got him!

My mother knows how I and my other 2 brother feel about this man, her sisters and her friends have made their feelings clear too and we have all done our very best to try to support her. So in November you can imagine my horror and, well, anger when I found out that this man had never really left, she had removed his son from her home (10 years old) but then continued to see this guy on the sly. What makes it worse is that my son has been in her house while he was there (she denies it but I know he has!)
I asked her to watch my son for me in my house as me and my partner are planning on going on a trip away together, this is something we never get as we don?t really have much support around us so we don?t get any ?us? time. This is when she A, decided to tell me that this useless excuse of a man was back on the scene and, B was going on holiday with him so couldn't help me out.

I feel like I want to cease all contact with them both. I am so angry hurt and disgusted at their behavior.

Pigsmummy Sat 16-Mar-13 12:44:14

SneakyNinja makes the point well, going away leaving your child with your Mum is a luxury not an entitlement. I don't have that option and probably won't go away with just my husband for many years. Asking for childcare support is fine but your mum is perfectly allowed to say no if she is going away herself, do you expect her to cancel her trip? If I needed a car I wouldn't beg my father for a loan, you begged him for six months?! Did you think to apply for loans from your bank? The fact you need a car is your business and no one else.

Your father said terrible things in the heat of a row, he should apologise for what he said re pregnancy, I am sure that you said some nasty things to him too, so offer an apology for what you said too?

You need to sit down and work out some future plans, what are you planning on doing for childcare when baby arrives and you are studying? Have you done some financial planning? How will you be able to fit shift work around children? Especially one that needs routine?

Euphemia Sat 16-Mar-13 12:49:02

My father pay packet is obscene

Well good for him - he'll have worked hard for it. Just what makes you think you're entitled to any of it?

Mintyy Sat 16-Mar-13 12:49:31

I can completely see why you have a problem with your mother and I feel terribly sorry for you about that. It must be so hurtful and frustrating and I am sure you are very worried about her.

But I can't see why you are having a tantrum about your dad! He took out a loan to get you a car ... why on earth would he do that if he could afford to buy you one as easily as you seem to think?

Has he given you a lot of money over the years?

Is it his fault that your dp's credit rating is terrible?

I agree that what he said about your second pregnancy is absolutely terrible (but you have to admit the timing is bad).

Fairylea Sat 16-Mar-13 12:58:03

Why did you buy a car that costs £70 a month to repay ??? If you really really need a car there are plenty of reasonable decent older cars out there that cost in the region of £500, if you could afford to wait for 6 months while you begged your dad to give you a loan that is costing you £70 a month you could have saved for a cheaper one and not involved your parents. I have driven for 10 years and never had a car that has cost more than £500-1000 and we have never had any major problems.

Viviennemary Sat 16-Mar-13 13:05:41

Your father did say a horrible thing in the heat of the moment. But why should he be responsble for paying for your car. As for your mother, I think you and your brothers should let her get on with her own life even though you think she's making a disaster of it. You can tell her if you like but it probably won't make any difference.

It sounds as if you have taken on far too much at the present time and are stressed out. It is nice to receive support both financial and otherwise from your family when you are an adult but I don't think it should be seen as an entitlement.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 16-Mar-13 13:13:31

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

DeskPlanner Sat 16-Mar-13 13:24:30

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nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 13:26:17

This was probably the last place you should have expected to look for sympathy. I've never asked my family for any help whatsoever but when I was moving and going through a stressful time I did expect them all to be there. It's what families are for. All these people calling you a brat, hmm exactly then what are parents for? I have two children and I would take out a loan if it meant helping them. Similarly I'd take out a loan if my parents needed my help - and I have helped them financially. It's called a FAMILY. OPs trying her best to better herself for her family, she's not exactly sat around on her bum enjoying benefit handouts. And as shown by her worry re her mother I think she'd put herself out if it ever came to her mum (and dad?) needing financial help. Perhas the 'brat' outbursts indicate that these posters would cut the tie at the 16 / 18th birthday.
Well done OP for trying to get forward in life. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face, but limit contact to these toxic people to what you can get away with.

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 13:27:56

I dont think it's just the Op who's had a bashing - probably everyone who expects parents to help when they need help. But I doubt anyone would now change their minds just because many posters on here think parents shouldn't help their kids.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 16-Mar-13 13:32:59

Nobody has said that parents shouldn't help their kids. Where did you read that? Family though is about the WHOLE family, ie. everybody helps each other. OP is concerned about herself and her own wants and needs - car payments and childcare.

What exactly does her partner do to step up for his family?

No, OP's dad shouldn't have said what he did about the pregnancy but, do you know what? I bet we've just had the edited highlights here and there's a backstory that goes very far back. I thought this when I read the first post and the subsequent one... Jow many occasions of 'help' have there been, OP - truthfully?

I don't like the word 'entitled' but it really does fit. You're either in a family or you aren't and, if you ask a favour of someobdy, they must be free to say yes or no without 'penalty'. I would be so disappointed if a child of mine turned out with OP's skewed views.

secretofcrickleyhall Sat 16-Mar-13 13:36:04

the thing is, she went on at her dad for SIX MONTHS for the loan!

that tells me:

a) she could cope without the car
b) he really didn't want to take out the loan

Euphemia Sat 16-Mar-13 13:38:53

My dad would tell me to sling my hook if I went on at him like that. Quite rightly.

Jayne266 Sat 16-Mar-13 13:40:18

I just wanted to say I understand what your saying.

Unfortunately it sounds like you dad has some issues about your relationship (yours and his) or something he's not telling you for him to react the way he did. However as other people have said by asking him to defer the payment you were asking to essentially borrow the money (unless you were planning on paying double the next month). And borrowed money can bring out some issues in people and he has reacted horribly. Hopefully it was in a "I am worried my daughter needs financial help and she has another on the way and I can't help". Give him time and talk this through and you will know where you stand.

Regards to your mum some people are there own worst enemy. She has chosen this life unfortunately you just have to accept it (and remember this) for when she moans.

I have had some family issues which has made me think my family is my family. If my parents etc show the effort I will do the same otherwise don't expect anything from them and you won't be disappointed.

Good luck with the nursing by the way it sound your on a track to do something you want to do. smile

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 13:44:31

Lyingwitchinthe wardrobe, I'm confused. She's the one that's in a financial situation needing help. She's not asked for a handout but a loan because she couldn't get it herself. What's the problem with that? She's paying him back and asking for one month break on the repayments. To be honest, I can't see the big deal about £70 (I guess that shows I live in my own bubble where £70 isn't a back breaker).
I don't think she has skewed views. I've been self reliant pretty much all my life and have always been the giver and not the taker but when my time came for some help I expected it. It's give and take.
I'm raising my kids to be self sufficient - givers not takers - but I fully expect there to be times when they need a hand to make life a little easier and I would be there 100%.
Her dad's her dad - of course he should help if he can.

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 13:45:14

Ok then OP, what do you think now after all these messages?

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 13:46:47

Oh and if you can borrow the money from somewhere then borrow it (not from those loan shops / sharks though!) and pay your dad back. Better than hearing nasty comments about your unbon.

DeskPlanner Sat 16-Mar-13 13:49:30

I don't think the op will be back.

secretofcrickleyhall Sat 16-Mar-13 13:51:21

Never, I think the point is it wasn't "dad, any chance you can help me out?" "'fraid not love," conversation. She went on at him for SIX MONTHS. Can you imagine ...I can't hmm

i definitely want to help my own DC if I could but to be honest if one of them was chewin gmy ear off for six months while planning weekend breaks with their partner, I WOULD be really, really pissed off.

LifeSavedbyLego Sat 16-Mar-13 13:52:10

Sorry you are having a tough time. But no your parents don't owe you anything. You dad doesn't have to take a loan if he doesn't want to and you mum doesn't have too babysit if she doesn't want to. You are an adult, all these things are nice to haves not requirements.

Hope things look up for you soon.

Euphemia Sat 16-Mar-13 13:52:45

It's one of those

YABU (mostly)
YABU (mostly)
YABU (mostly)


CurlyhairedAssassin Sat 16-Mar-13 13:58:34

You see, I am in 2 minds now. Having learned that you have been given a week's holiday without your dc is very generous. Which will get people's backs up on here when you are also posting saying your dad won't give you what you need. It DOES make you sound entitled. But I doubt many people have experience of caring for an autistic child, ad as well as this you are also studying for a degree to try and improve your lot presumable AND pregnant (the latter, I agree, is awful timing - hope there is a good explanation for that). I can understand why your PIL have made the lovely gesture of recognising that a week away in those circumstances might relieve some of your stress.

You have a lot on your plate, OP, and I'm not hearing much sympathy here for that. I think you would probably get better responses on the special needs boards to be honest. I really think that in families it should be give and take and helping each other out in times of need. Posters on here should remember that one day circumstances may be reversed and it might be the OP's parents coming to HER for help when she has finally got her career off the ground. Will she feel inclined to do so if she's not been helped in HER (presumably temporary) hour of need?

The other side of me wonders if there might be more to the situation. Why is your dp's credit rating so bad? Is there some financial mismanagement of money that you aren't telling us about, which would explain your dad's unwillingness to help in the first place?

DontmindifIdo Sat 16-Mar-13 13:58:38

I don't think parents shouldn't help their DCs, but the OPs parents have - her dad has taken out a loan on her behalf because she couldn't get one, she has to pay it back as if she would if she'd taken it out herself - although she claims her dad is rich, the fact he took out a loan rather than directly loaned her the money suggests he doesn't have stacks of savings (most people in that situation would use savings rather than have a loan in their name), she assumes she knows exactly what he earns and what his outgoings are so he can afford to just give her £70 this month. I wouldn't be so sure.

I would assume it took you 6 months to wear him down to agree because he thought you'd do this - he knew what you were like and thought there's a good chance you won't pay the loan. I would imagine you have 'form' for being crap at paying back debts if your credit rating was so bad he had to take out the loan in the first place. Have you got a history of just not paying things back and expecting it'll sort itself out? That someone else will pick up the tab eventually and you shouldn't have to pay your debts? This is your debt, not your dads. You don't owe your dad, you owe the bank he borrowed the money from.

Could his comment about the baby, while horrible, come from a genuine concern that you and DP don't seem to be able to cope financially with one DC and really not understanding why someone in such a situation would decide to have another?

Next your mother - you asked her to look after your DC so you can go on holiday, but you're angry she's not available to do so because she's going on holiday with someone you don't like, but she does, she's an adult, it doesn't read like she said she would have your DS, let you book the holiday then said no, she said no as soon as you told her about the dates as they clash with her holiday, did you really think she should cancel her trip as yours is more important?

I find it very hard to believe your PIL bought you a holiday with no discussion with you first, you haven't got any spare money (if you can't find £70 to repair your car, you can't have any savings), you are pregnant again, but rather than saying "actually we're really struggling, it's nice of you to offer the holiday, but could we have the money instead?" you and your DP said yes to the holiday - a holiday which is just for you two, not your DC, and they are only offering free childcare for some of the holiday they have bought you, but knowing you can't afford to pay for childcare for the rest and the only alternative is your mother, yet no one thought to check the dates with your mum before booking it.

Can you not see you should have said no? Or at very least checked your mum could actually do these dates before anything was booked?

I really think families should help, but there comes a point when really, you have to be prepared to help yourself at least a little bit. OP, you come across as expecting your parents to fit round what you want, you want your dad to just give you a car and are annoyed he expects you to pay for it, you want your mum to just be available to do childcare the way you want when you want, without daring to have plans and a life of her own.

For the trip, if you can't cancel and get the money back (which I would strongly recommend you do, having at least a couple of hundred quid saved might make the world of difference to your life), then talk to your PIL, they booked the holiday without having confirmation there was childcare in place first, why can't they do the whole time? Or are they being equally annoying and having a life too...

Goldenbear Sat 16-Mar-13 13:59:39

I agree with Nevertoolate26, I also think some posters are distasteful with some of their comments and very aggressive- as per usual really.

I don't really see why the OP is wrong to moan about the trials and tribulations of being a parent but it is fine for her parents to be pretty shit really because she is over 18- not exactly demonstrating great parenting roles there, unless of course you do believe that your role as a parent ends at 18. Personally I don't and my parents' didn't, they wouldn't dream of detaching themselves from me in such a cold and callous way. It is not normal family behaviour.

Equally, if you hold the opinion that the OP is an adult and as such should take responsibility for her predicament, why are you not holding the same opinion of the parents. Posters are being very charitable towards the parents- apparently the Mother is a victim and the poor harangued father was bullied into it by his overbearing daughter. Pull the other one - anyone who can say such vile words to their own daughter FFS, whom by all accounts spent lots of his time drinking around her when she was a child, seems quite capable of sticking up for himself!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Sat 16-Mar-13 14:02:33

DontMindIfIDo... Exactly so!

nevertoolate26 Sat 16-Mar-13 14:03:01

secretofcricklyhall I think if you saw your Dc was getting on with their life you'd want to help them immediately and not allow them to go on at you for 6 months. If someone said 'no' to me if I asked for help then I'd drop it, leave it at that but remember it for the future.
It works both ways - like I said, unless the OP is a totally nasty person, I'm sure she would remember the kindness of her dad when the day came for him to ask her for help. If her mum said she needed some help, I'm pretty sure the OP wouldn't ask her to wait 6 months before helping her out. Well, that's what I think anyway.

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