Is this deliberate or am I just para? (long sorry)

[whimsicalmess]

bit of backstory, I am big and ugly I always have been have been with on person(but am getting married, wee!) but just no confidence whatsoever, no self esteem.

My DM was in her day was a good figure, pleasant looking like pretty but not beautiful if you get me? But my god she bangs on about it all the time I think is this her way of coping with agieng, but she always comments on the way I look/size all the time, she will say you're a beautiful girl but I feel its disingenuous and feel like there's a but coming.
An in comments conversations about looks its always quickly about her etc

I feel like either, shes finding it hard to deal with the fact she produced a very ugly daughter and shes lashing out or god knows...what goes through that mind lol. Shes on about going to try on dresses soon with my MOH which tbh I'm absolutely dreading tbh, if something doesn't fit right she won't be able to help herself and I'll be shaken to the point I won't want to get married at all.

I wonder if this is just me , and I need to man up but how?

i know how ridiculous this sounds but I'm having a wibble. need some stern talking too.

[BubblegumPie]

I bet you're intelligent, kind, funny and interesting. Who care's what you look like? As your mother will tell you looks fade, the rest you get to keep.

[purrpurr]

Just from your post I am assuming your dear old mum has managed to make you turn out with the self esteem of a gnat. For this reason, you need to go dress shopping with someone else. Have you got siblings?

[lisac99]

To be honest I think the most stern talking to you need it to deal with your low self esteem!

You're big and ugly? According to who? I imagine your fiance doesn't think so - surely he's very happy to be marrying the woman who he loves (and I assume he thinks you are beautiful?).

It shouldn't matter what your Mother's opinion is, either of you... or of herself. It sounds as if she is projecting her own insecurities onto you due to her comments about how you look - have you actually asked her to stop before? If so, does she stop for a bit?

When I was younger and lived at home, my Father used to comment on how I looked (slightly overweight as a child, very concious about it) he did that as he knew it was the only thing I was sensitive about and therefore knew it was the one thing that he could use to 'hurt' me.... As an adult, I asked him to stop, he didn't.. so I ignored him for about 9 months. He apologised and we started talking again - then he said it again, so I just ignored him for another 6 months ... he apologised and I started talking to him again - I don't think he's mentioned how I look for over 5 years now, so it obviously got through.

I appreciate you're getting married so might need to talk to your Mother, but I would still ask her to stop commenting on your appearance. I'd also perhaps let her go dress shopping with your MOH and perhaps limit the time to 2 hours and have an appointment afterwards, so she can't 'lash out' for a very long time?

[BubblegumPie]

oops, that should say cares not care's

[chancin]

You poor thing that sounds miserable. Is it possible for you to go dress shopping with a mate first without letting your mum know, and when you've found "the one" you can bring her to have a look? Weddings are stressful enough without having to put up with a load of negativity. And don't worry if it takes a while to find a beautiful dress, I cried the first day I went looking for mine because everything made me look like shit. Eventually found one that made me feel gorgeous so don't lose hope. Best of luck

[SilverOldie]

I'm shocked that you would describe yourself as 'big and ugly'. I'm no oil painting but have worked hard to learn to love myself and understand that everyone has different, some good and some not so good qualities.

I would tell your DM if she can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. I wouldn't be going with her to choose your dress for the big day either.

You are getting married so your DP obviously finds plenty about you attractive and I hope you have a wonderful day.

[whimsicalmess]

I always wondered if it was just me, but she will say thinks in a way that leans I was looker, shame you're not. She will say things but then hide behind 'why are you ashamed' I refuse to go swimming when she's there because she will comment in some way and again I'd be so shaken I'd refuse to swim the rest of the holiday, I don't think I've ever had that conversation ...fully I have said like 'don't embarrass me' but I think a lot of older parents sort of 'yeah,yeah' that one.
I couldn't exclude her she'd be devastated, I think I will have to say something, but I don't feel strong enough ....

[Buzzardbird]

I couldn't exclude her she'd be devastated. How do you think she makes the same consideration for your feelings?

[whimsicalmess]

I agree, although I don't actually think she's aware fully I think she dismisses my complaints and tells me I am being dismissive, I need to give a verbal shake.

[pleasestoptalking]

eh? am I missing something here? what does she actually say?

You've said that she comments on your size and looks all the time and tells you you're beautiful... but you don't believe her?

I'm either not reading this properly or being a bit dense (very possible).

It sounds like you need to work on your confidence. I really believe that attractiveness comes down to confidence and the vibes you give off. If you really think you're attractive then others will believe it too, and if they don't who cares! You've obviously got a partner who wants to spend the rest of their life with you. That's a pretty strong message!

[Lariflete]

This is my one of my favourite quotes and it is so true:

If you think nice thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely

I had a really good friend at college, who was the nicest person I've ever met (he still is, apart from DH!) and it didn't occur to me that he wasn't very good looking until someone pointed it out, because he was so lovely.

[whimsicalmess]

She will say something nice but then find a way to put me down, but if I say anything ever , I am being 'defensive' and will go on about how she was a looker in her day and then make some comments.

i.e you are pretty but..., and the way she goes on about herself you'd think she was angelina,

the comments on my size aren't nice ones please and its rude to consistently comment on things like that. And she will point out very small tight clothes and go 'I used to have the figure for that' in a conversation about me etc, bring me into conversations that I'm not a part of.
I used to think it was just me, but I have no confidence/no self esteem since I was a child and I don't think your instincts lie,

This whole wedding dress thing is bringing up a lot of issues for me.

[whimsicalmess]

That's nice Larifilete, I wish I was like that I am chatty in social situations, but my size/ugliness sends me into quite depressive/agoraphobic episodes and can become quite reclusive.

Me being plays on my mind constantly I wish it didn't there's not a time I'm not dwelling on it.I really wish I could just exit it from my mind.

[greenfolder]

my mother has made some truly breathtaking comments about my size. she has been on a diet for 45 years.

the nearest she has ever got to being complimentary is "that is quite flattering" (meaning bearing in mind you are a size 18).

i never,ever, ever go clothes shopping with her. i am happy to go shopping with her, but never buy anything or try anything on when i am with her, or indeed my sister. i had seriously low self esteem about my appearence for years.

but now, i buy clothes i like, i wear make up, have my brows done and hair done. i look well groomed and make the most of the poor genetic hand i was dealt and i think thats what a lot of people do.

can i make a suggestion? do not go shopping for a dress with her. if necessary and you really have to- stage it. Go by yourself first and get some really good advice- bridal shops want you to look good and genuinely have a good eye for what suits. if your mother thinks she deserves "the experience", choose first and give the shop the heads up. I did this with best mate- we took a day off and she tried on a fair few at a couple of good shops. we had no idea but the ladies in these shops were brilliant. we then made an appt to go back with friends mother and the lady in the shop was equally brilliant with her. seriously consider doing this.

[foslady]

YY with Greenfolder - if you must have your mother there, prime the shops which you are going to re the dresses (ie 'I'm sorry madam, unless you are planning on being a bridesmaid for your daughter, you don't put them on - it's not the dressing up box ffs) and get your MOH on side ie any derogatory comments to be replied with the classic 'Did you mean to be so rude to your daughter?'.

This should be a lovely day for you, not stressful like the one I had.....(but because of others too )

PS - you're beautiful. I do not need to see your picture, your beautiful. Your HTB obviously thinks so.

[whimsicalmess]

Thats a good idea tbh , i was thinking of ringing around as I'm scared of no dress fitting me :/

[greenfolder]

can i just say- there are more large brides than skinny ones. do your research, be brave and go try some on. if you cant find what you want, find a dressmaker and a pattern. do not let a dress stress you out so much. you will look beautiful on the day, and a well fitted dress in the right style will make you feel beautiful. get a plan!

[HolyMackerel]

I'd also do what greenfolder suggests, that's a great plan.

It sounds like your DM places a lot of importance on "looks", and feels the need to make herself feel better by putting you down. Honestly most people do not place that much importance on looks, just whether you are kind/funny/a good friend etc.

You are not fat and ugly - you are beautiful and your fiance must think that too as he loves you enough to marry you. I would focus on him and positive people who make you feel good, rather than people who make you feel crap like your DM.

Have you thought about any sort of counselling for your low self esteem?

[idococktailshedoesbeer]

My DM is a bit like this. We were always a similar weight then I dieted and went from something like a size 16 to an 8. Didn't realise she had a problem with it until we went shopping and she was shoving large sizes at me. She laughed every time I picked up the right sizes saying I was deluded. I stopped shopping with her.

My DSis is a very big size (and gorgeous with it!) and when she got married recently I did the wedding dress fittings with her, my tactless DM wasn't allowed anywhere near. You need to find someone who will make you feel good.

[Lariflete]

You will definitely look fantastic on the day - when you see your HTB you will forget anyone else is there, what you are wearing, what you look like (beautiful btw) and feel happy and contented.
Please don't stress about the dress because you will a) find one that suits you and b) it won't matter on the day anyway.
Don't let your mother get you down - my DM always makes 'helpful' and 'honest' comments which I usually ignore if it suits me.

[ivanapoo]

Dress shopping for your wedding is stressful at the best of times, definitely don't take your mother! She sounds bad for your health. She is probably insecure and projecting onto you.

[whimsicalmess]

Thankyou, thats what I thought, I have noticed a lot of older women are rude about younger, larger girls I wouldn't if its the the fact that even overweight these girls are more attractive, I think people that insecure find it hard to compute. obviously not all older women but a lot I've noticed.

next time she mentions it I will be very honest with her and say i.e she can come under the condition so if she argues etc she has made that choice not me excluding her.

[MrsMushroom]

Stop calling yourself ugly. I firmly believe that everyone has the capacity to appear beautiful. I have known women in my field (entertainment) with none of the classical elements of beauty but who spellbound everyone they met.

It's inside...not outside that should glow and that comes from self belief...

[whimsicalmess]

Where they large and facially unnattractive ? few people are unlucky enough to be both lol.

[whimsicalmess]

Thanks for the replies, I was one of those people who thought 'well you have a boyf, how can you feel ugly?' but now I'm on the other side I think in some ways It doesn't make a difference.

I've felt very tearful about all this a bit depressive again,I hate it, I think not caring would be easier.