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AIBU?

to have strong words with ex if he takes his girlfriend to our DD's parents evening?

56 replies

alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 21:39

I posted last week about my daughters father celebrating mother's day with DD(5.5) and his girlfriend. Now I think he's planning to take his girlfriend along to parents evening with him. I'd asked if he wanted me to make an appointment at any particular time so he could get there from work, assuming we'd go together as we're fairly amicable. He said he wasn't sure what time so to just get latest possible appointment. I got the time slot letter today and it had DD's name and mum in brackets. Teacher said DD's dad has made a separate appointment an hour earlier - a time which allows him enough time to go and collect his girlfriend. They have only been together a year, DD has seen her probably twenty times at most and I'm getting fed up of them trying to infer she's DD's parent too. I let the mother's day thing go and didn't say anything but think taking the girlfriend to parents evening instead of us going together (particularly when we have joint concerns we'd discussed sharing) is taking it too far. AIBU?

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zwischenzug · 14/03/2013 21:43

No I don't think so, plus it sounds like a waste of the teachers time to have two appointments for the same child.

Your exes relationship doesn't sound strong enough (only 1 year) and the bond between your DD and the gf doesn't sound strong enough to justify this behaviour. If the relationships were stronger it may be a different story.

SolidGoldBrass · 14/03/2013 21:45

I can understand your concern as this does sound like the behaviour of a man who considers his girlfriend to be DD's future stepmother. Have you any idea whether he is contemplating marrying her, or indeed already engaged to her?
It's not necessarily a bad thing for a child to have a step-parent who loves him/her and becomes actively involved in his/her life, but that doesn't mean he gets to replace you with his girlfriend/fiancee or even his wife should he marry her. You are DD's mum and therefore just as important as her father and any partner he happens to choose. So I think it would be reasonable to say to your XP that you would prefer the two of you to attend parents' evening together, as otherwise you're going to be wasting the teachers' time by covering the same ground over again - ie it might be best to make it all about what's practical for parents' evening rather than give him the opportunity to make it all about 'you're just jealous of my new relationship'.

alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 21:53

It is a complete waste of teachers time to have two appointments. Plus he'll call me to discuss what was said, so why not just attend together - as parents? He and his girlfriend aren't engaged and am sceptical of the longevity of the relationship as she's considerably younger (enough to be his daughter) plus DD says they argue a lot. I'm in no way jealous of her and hope one day she will have a good relationship with DD but at the moment she barely knows her and should certainly not be forced upon DD as another mummy.

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TastyTurnip · 14/03/2013 21:54

I read your other post, and it sounds like your ex is trying to play "happy families" and pretend his girlfriend is your daughters mum for his convenience. This isn't good for your daughter.

I would have words with him, in a calm way, and explain that you think it is best for your daughter if he remembers you and him are parents and while his girlfriend is a part of her life, she isn't her parent.
Say you don't want her getting confused, just like when you get a boyfriend you would be careful to make sure there were clear boundaries and she knew that he isn't replacing her dad (regarding the mothers day part). Mentioning it from this point of view might make him think a bit more about step parents roles from both sides.

I would phone him beforehand and say you think it best for you to go together as you had the points to discuss, and see what he says.
Would it be possible for you to speak to his girlfriend about any of this or is she immature/touchy about it?

5Foot5 · 14/03/2013 22:09

Will your current DP be going with you to parent's evening? I seem to recall from your previous post that you referred to him as our DD's step-dad.

WorraLiberty · 14/03/2013 22:14

Is there any way you can all go together?

You, your ex and both your partners?

It would save the teacher's time and you'd all be singing from the same sheet so to speak.

alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 22:16

No I'd thought we'd be going together, seeing as we're her parents! His girlfriend won't even look at me let alone have a discussion.

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Cassarick · 14/03/2013 22:16

I'd turn up at his appointment time.

alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 22:17

No someone has to have DD. Plus his girlfriend won't be around me.

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alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 22:19

Still means an appointment is wasted though cassarick.

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WorraLiberty · 14/03/2013 22:20

If she won't be around you then it's probably best the appointments are separate.

It's a shame though because you're all adults in you DD's life and if you could all work together (easier said than done, I'm sure) it would be so much easier for her growing up.

sleepsforwimps2010 · 14/03/2013 22:29

op; i think id speak to him all bright and breezy ' dds teacher tried to make us 2 appointments! silly teacher.. i of course told her we'd be going together we're all adults after all! so i'll just see you there at x time? shall we go to yours or mine after to discuss what was said?'...
but then again im a cow

Shr0edinger · 14/03/2013 22:36

He sounds like he's trying to re-write history!

I think I would just say to the school that they are not married and have been together about a year, if that. Say NO MORE. Let the school draw their own conclusions.

alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 22:36

It is a shame, I agree. But still don't think she should be there anyway after so few meetings. Will speak to him beforehand.

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foreverondiet · 14/03/2013 22:43

I think ok for him to have a different appointment time, but speak to the school to say that you don't want his girl friend to be present when teacher discussing your DD.

alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 22:47

I don't think I have any right to request that she isn't there. And school already probably think we're immature because we can't share an appointment, stamping my feet about the girlfriend wouldn't improve the image much!

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ohdoone · 14/03/2013 22:49

I wouldn't go for this, it's essentially private therefore info on a need to know basis. Lovely she wants to take an interest but not in this way. If xdp's gf is that into your dd she can chose a hobby to get into with her. You need to speak up and tell xdp this as I'm sure your dd won't thank you if you don't, too many cooks and all that.

HildaOgden · 14/03/2013 22:52

It must be a nightmare for teachers trying to be diplomatic about situations like these.

It makes perfect sense (to me,anyway) that the child's parents are the ones who should be at the meeting.Together (if at all amicable).Then information relayed by them to any other parties (steps/partners/whatever).

Why won't she be near you,by the way?Jealousy/insecurity/by order of courts??? I'm just nosey

2kidsintow · 14/03/2013 22:52

As a teacher I've come across this problem. It would make me extremely uncomfortable if a Mum told me that they didn't want Dad's gf to be there at the appointment. What right would I have to tell her not to be there when they both turned up?
If the gf is showing a positive interest in the life of the child and the father is happy for her to attend the appointment, then I don't see what the school can do.

I've had a parent asking just last year whether they had a right to stop the Dad's girlfriend from attending appointments - and I have no idea! If anyone has official advice on this position, I'd be really interested in case this came up again.

INeverSaidThat · 14/03/2013 23:00

Does it matter if she does go? Genuine question. Everyone knows you are Mum. I would imagine new girlfriend will find the meeting dull and far more so if she thinks you don't care whether she is there or not.

Nobody will think new girlfriend is DD's Mum.

alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 23:03

I don't think you have the right as teacher s to turn parents partners away as parents have equal responsibility and therefore one cannot overrule the others decision to take their partner along. I agree that it'd be an awful position to put teacher in too. She won't be near me as she thinks ex would be back with me if I'd have him. Wanting to attend parents evening is more to attempt to antagonise me than take an interest in DD I suspect.

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EchoBitch · 14/03/2013 23:03

It would piss me off.

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alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 23:05

It's not that INeverSaidThat, it's that it's preventing us going together which parents should and which would be good for DD to see.

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Cherriesarelovely · 14/03/2013 23:25

I would feel pissed off too about this but must say as a teacher I have seen parents separately on many occasions and thought nothing of it. I have family members and friends who have been through difficult separations and understand that people sometimes don't always want to meet. Not ideal obviously, but I think you are right in saying that the teacher can't (or would certainly find it incredibly difficult) to turn your ex P's gf away.

Cherriesarelovely · 14/03/2013 23:26

I agree with you though that it would be much better all round if you could go together.

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