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To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

(1000 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 08:55:53

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere hmm

So... AIBU??

OrbisNonSufficit Tue 19-Mar-13 21:18:54

Oh there is no WAY I would go to that wedding if I were you. My spoken reasons wouldn't be the same as my unspoken reasons, but I still wouldn't go...

And anyway, you have several excellent (perfectly innocent) excuses not to go - no one in their right mind expects someone who is recovering from major abdominal surgery who also has to look after a very tiny person to be gadding about the country/world to weddings...

YouTheCat Tue 19-Mar-13 21:18:34

If you've had recent surgery, then you might not be able to fly anyway.

2rebecca Tue 19-Mar-13 21:17:37

That sounds an awful wedding. The sexism would piss me offi as much as anything. What if you were a woman really into golf? (There are alot of them up here in Scotland). Hasn't the stag do been and gone?
I think weddings abrad are selfindulgent and selfish if you really expect your family to fork out a fortune to be with you.
You either go off as a couple and get hitched on a romantic holiday for two or you stay at home and have your family there +/- friends depending on how big a bash you want.
I wouldn't go because it sounds horrible and a waste of money.

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 21:17:07

"Apparently DH is needed to stay with BIL in his hotel room the night before, and 'the boys' in the bridal party are going to have a golf game or something like that followed by drinks and dinner and I'm not permitted to go..."


These people are so horrible to you.

Why does your husband allow it?

mistlethrush Tue 19-Mar-13 21:16:46

I didn't go to afriend's wedding 3 wks after a cs even though it was only an hour away - you would certainly not be being unreasonable. I don't think that the airline seatbelt would be remotely comfortable for one thing...

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:16:35

I started a second thread! (never thought I'd say that!)

FierceBadIggi Tue 19-Mar-13 21:14:15

Maybe they think bil might do a runner if your dh isn't with him!

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:12:20

The baby will be between 4 & 6 weeks so not totally new, but still new enough for me to worry about running around after a 2 year old and looking after her at the same time...

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 21:10:33

Apparently DH is needed to stay with BIL in his hotel room the night before, and 'the boys' in the bridal party are going to have a golf game or something like that followed by drinks and dinner and I'm not permitted to go... So next morning getting DD ready for wedding, getting myself ready and new baby obviously... Getting from the hotel to the church as DH has to travel with BIL... The ceremony DD will be bridesmaid so she won't be with me for that but I'll have the baby in a carseat maybe? Then photos and back to hotel... Then for the dinner, speeches and toasts etc DH is on the top table and me, DD and the baby are on a table with people I don't know (as relatives of BIL's I'm close to are either not going due to the cost or are made up of the top table or another table I'm not part of (as there are more than 8 of them)...

So yeah. I'm pretty sure I'm not going! I don't really want DH to go either to be honest after all this!

Still nothing from any of them today...

Cricrichan Tue 19-Mar-13 21:06:30


No way would I have them to stay in my last month of pg. as you say it's a time for you to lie on the sofa and relax and not have to think about doing anything beyond the bare necessities.

I'd be fine with my parents but they are really easy and independent and the right side of helpful.

I would put my foot down op and tell your dh that you'll get stressed having to play hostess, keep lo quiet etc and it just isn't fair. Get bil and sil to change the time the other mil is coming over or get pil to rent somewhere ( as they'd probably end up needing to be out if the house for longer than quoted), or sim,y get them to rent a villa in pain and take a holiday!!!!

BlueberryHill Tue 19-Mar-13 20:33:02

Why are you expected to manage without your DH if you do go? Or I have it read it wrongly. Most weddings I have been to, including two where DH was best man I still sat with him. God they sound awful expecting you to go without having any support, don't do it. How long after the birth is the wedding? You still shouldn't be lifting heavy things, like managing a 2yo and a small baby at a wedding with no help.

Have the ILs always been like this?

Ginformation Tue 19-Mar-13 20:26:16

Definitely do not go to that weeding! Fuck them.

And I second the need for a plan b. If they come with suitcases do not let them in.

BerthaTheBogCleaner Tue 19-Mar-13 20:16:40

Oh and flying after abdominal surgery - isn't their a risk of blood clots, thrombosis?

BerthaTheBogCleaner Tue 19-Mar-13 20:14:31

"Not going to the wedding" would be a reasonable option even if they were all the loveliest people in the world - see tiny newborn, recent surgery, wedding abroad. Obviously, if they were the loveliest people in the world, they'd be telling you not to worry, just stay home.

I went to SIL's wedding (four hours drive away) 3 weeks after having dc1 by cs. It was bloody hard. I have hardly any memories of it, I was so spaced. After SIL had her first baby (by cs) she said she couldn't believe I'd managed to come to her wedding! Looking back, I wonder why we did - I just didn't realise, because everyone says you can be back to normal straight after having a baby. So not true.

You know you're going to have to start a new thread soon? grin

FryOneFatManic Tue 19-Mar-13 20:14:31

Of course you can't go. I may have missed it, but how old will baby be at the time of the wedding? And am I correct in thinking wedding is abroad?

As baby is due in the summer, how likely is it that you'll be able to get baby a passport in time for the wedding? wink

I also think many airlines won't carry a baby under the age of 10 days, so perhaps you have the best answer right there......

AThingInYourLife Tue 19-Mar-13 19:47:47

No, I wouldn't go either.

They are expecting you to cope abroad without your husband for two days?!

But he'll be there too surely?

Why is he OK with that?

GlaikitHasHerFizzBack Tue 19-Mar-13 19:43:43

Do it georgie, do it. We will all be here to cheer you on. grin

I'll come look after you!

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 19:41:02

I think I've made an executive decision not to go to their wedding though. It might be unreasonable as DH is best man, but after the whole MIL thing, the CMV and subsequent 'couldn't give a crap'-ness... And the fact that I'm going to have a tiny newborn, a two year old and be recovering from a C section but am expected to cope without DH for two days straight and sit with strangers makes me not want to put myself out and spend £1000+ on attending.

But maybe that's a step too far..

curiousgeorgie Tue 19-Mar-13 19:37:26

Nothing to report at the moment!

Just considering a removals company to help us in June and still waiting on my test results. Have not had 'did you hear back about your test results' from PIL, BIL or SIL though. Shocking wink

AllOverIt Tue 19-Mar-13 19:05:52

Any update OP? smile

P.S. We need a new thread soon. This one's filling up fast!

DublinMammy Tue 19-Mar-13 18:22:40

Just finished reading all this and simply cannot believe what entitled fuckwits your IL's all are. Hope your test results come back clear and good luck with the rest of your pregnancy....

Ihatecobwebs Tue 19-Mar-13 18:21:30

BIL and SIL have now, in a horrible way, provided you with the perfect reason why you can't have MIL and FIL to stay.

Website I found said the incubation period for CMV is 3 to 12 weeks.

If MIL & FIL have been in personal contact with BIL et al over the last few weeks, they could have CMV themselves.

They, are therefore, possibly carrying the risk of spreading it to you and your family, so it could be deemed wise to avoid contact, ie not have them sharing the same house where there would be the chance of unintentional exchanges of bodily fluids.

OrbisNonSufficit Tue 19-Mar-13 17:52:19

I've been on this thread for a while now, and you need a plan B (and also to tell us all where the new thread is going to be!) in case they DO turn up on your doorstep and cannot be convinced in advance that They Are Not Wanted:

- V v v v uncomfortable sofa bed, pref covered in dog hair
- Many half-unpacked boxes in both spare rooms, also much baby paraphernalia
- A handy printed out list of all B&Bs in the area, with phone numbers (casually lying around)
- Obviously no Sky Sports on the telly. I'd announce an intention to get Sky month-by-month on a tiny laptop in the spare room - it streams TERRIBLY (we tried it for the Ashes one year) but at least you've tried [innocent face], and you can cancel it any time, no contract

Jelly15 Tue 19-Mar-13 15:58:20

If this was happening to me I would be having a major tantrum with ILs right now. I would be telling them that as BIL and SIL are the favorite they can deal with all the shit you have been receving from PIL. I would tell PIL exactly what I think of them and to not turn up expecting accomodation ever as it will not be happening. Also I would tell DH that if they do turn up and he lets them move in it will mean divorce.

Put on the show of your life so they get the message loud and clear. You and DC come first.

expatinscotland Tue 19-Mar-13 15:44:01

They are going to turn up with cases in hand if your husband doesn't grow a pair soon.

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