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To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

(1000 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 08:55:53

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere hmm

So... AIBU??

Emilythornesbff Thu 14-Mar-13 09:01:15

Sorry but I thin YAb (a bit) U.
Would you feel differently if it were your DP's?
Do you like you ILs?

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:01:23

No you are not!!
I'm totally flabbergasted at how you can get out if it though.
I do know from experience that you must stick to your guns though.
Good luck.

cansu Thu 14-Mar-13 09:02:46

I can totally understand your feelings but if you have a good relationship with them then this is likely to be one of those things that family have to do for one another. I suppose I would look at it from another perspective. If you were in their shoes, would you be happy if they were unwilling to accommodate you. If you would be fine with this then ok say no to them. But I suspect you would expect your pil to help you if roles were reversed.

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:03:14

Could you make the spare rooms intoa little bedsit and explain that you wil be needing some space to bond feed and see your own friends and family. Get your midwife on board.

Emilythornesbff Thu 14-Mar-13 09:04:05

Won't they help you?
Just set some clear boundaries at the start about expectations.

HKat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:04:22

Yanbu for not wanting them there, I didn't want anyone there in my last pg days, or after! But I think you have no choice here sadly, if there's genuinely nowhere else for them to go....

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:04:29

Do they help or will they expect hospitality when you are recovering from major surgery?

N0tinmylife Thu 14-Mar-13 09:05:10

YANBU to not want to have them to stay, I think it would be a bit unreasonable to refuse to let them stay though, unless they are truly horrible people? I feel for you though, it sounds like their timing is appalling! I take it they are committed to having the work done at that time? If they could put it off a month I would imagine it would make life an awful lot easier!

Yama Thu 14-Mar-13 09:05:15

Do not allow this to happen. Resentment incurred when a baby is born can never be erased. And you will resent this.

No, no and thrice no.

wineandroses Thu 14-Mar-13 09:06:21

Tricky. Your spare room seems like the practical solution, but I agree that having them in the house after your CS and bringing a new baby home is not ideal. Can you find a compromise? Tell DH you are willing to have them stay up until the baby is born, but then you must have some space of your own. If BIL has space then (might SIL's mum have gone by then?), parents can stay there, or perhaps you could look for some local short term apartment rentals? Also, what happens if the building work runs into problems? They may need to be out of their house for longer than anticipated.

YANBU to want some time without guests, and DH should support you.

DPotter Thu 14-Mar-13 09:06:35

Having had a major renovation / extension I wish I had moved out for the duration - it was awful and I worked full time at the time, so if your PIL are used to being at home all day it could be much worse for them. A neighbour of ours hired / bought a caravan which the family lived in whilst their house had a major re-build. Could this be a possible way forward ? The caravan could be in their garden so they could keep an eye of progress but not be living in dusty chaos.

YANBU to want your own space with the lead-up to DC3 and especially not after

Iggly Thu 14-Mar-13 09:07:34

I was going to say YABU until I realised you were due a baby.

It all depends on what they're like? Would they expect you to run after them?

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:07:57

yama totally agree I'm still fuming
Yes op can they change the date slightly?
If not can they at least stay in b and B for the week after your section?
That would be a reasonable enough request.

mrsjay Thu 14-Mar-13 09:09:07

they might help you and if they are staying they wont expect running after the same as when they are visiting put a tv in a bedroom for them and perhaps they will stay in there for their own privacy too
, do your own thing tell them to help themselves to the kitchen and whatever make it clear they are staying and not visiting , do your own thing and leave them to it you don't or shouldn't need to 'host' , and they dont really have anywhere else to go, I think you are stuck with them but it might be fine, as somebody else said set boundaries right away

ENormaSnob Thu 14-Mar-13 09:10:04


I am due in 3 weeks and wouldnt even want my best mate staying for that long.

mrsjay Thu 14-Mar-13 09:12:03

OH I dont think yabu to not want them there I wouldn't either

shrimponastick Thu 14-Mar-13 09:12:07


It sounds absolutely dreadful. Of course you want your own space just before and after a new baby.

Pil need to make alternative arrangements.

Postpone the final stage of the renovations so they can stay with BIL? Or a B n B for the majority of the time, but It's likely that they would be round at yours throughout the daytimes.

Hope you get it sorted op

GregBishopsBottomBitch Thu 14-Mar-13 09:12:41

YANBU, but if its gonna happen set up a list of rules,

1) OP isnt playing host
2) Make your own food
3) Clean up after yourself
4) Dont disturb OP
5) Help OP with 2 yr old
6) Give OP Privacy
7) If OP says no, then she means no

I wouldnt wanna have to play host and clean, after a section and wanting to bond with my newborn. Get those rules in.

ChunkyPickle Thu 14-Mar-13 09:12:49

YANBU to not want it, but it is going to be hard to avoid..

Can the house/new house be arranged so that they have their own rooms - not just bedroom, but a kind of private sitting room?

When I stayed with my inlaws (who really are wonderful - but it's always hard sharing a house), my MIL made sure that we had a couple of rooms so if we wanted to watch TV in the evenings DP and I could do that alone (while DS was asleep in our bedroom)

HermioneE Thu 14-Mar-13 09:13:42

You say you're overseeing it for them. If that means project managing then you would be a bit U to refuse as that means dates / where your PIL will be is partly down to you.

If it's their responsibility then YANBU.

Either way YANBU to not want them there but I can't see a way out for you... <sympathies>

NewlywedUpTheDuff Thu 14-Mar-13 09:14:00

what an awkward situation! I dont think i would want my PIL there just after i have had my baby either, you want that time with just your new baby and you DH. Maybe it would be worth talking to them about how you feel? setting some boundaries? its something that could affect your relationship in the future so think carefully. maybe they wont need to be there that long? and maybe they will be able to help occupy DD or take them out when you have just had the baby?

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 09:14:19

FIL will sit and do nothing and expect breakfast, lunch & dinner with tea at regular intervals. He'll expect sky sports on and any noise will make him frustrated that he can't hear the tv. He is a grumpy type and that's how he's always been, but I get on with him fine in small doses.

MIL will probably over help, and this is what I'm more worried about. She will be all over DH about making him his favourite dinners and giving him a 'break'. She has already talked about taking DD and the baby ("my new baby!" actual quote!) for walks and around the shops and to meet her friends and I told DH I didn't want this and he just says 'oh she's just excited, it won't be like that.'

But I know it will. When we go to see them we sit in front of sky's sports news and I can't wait to leave.

They also are not pet people and hate my dog. When they come over I have to put him behind the gate in the kitchen or outside and I hate it. He's been my baby for 6 years and he doesn't understand being shut away.

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:15:25

Would they let you stay with them if the situation was the other way around? I bet they would smile. Have they helped you in the past?

I think you may be being a little U, but it is impossible to say without knowing all the people involved.

[Hmm] It would be amazing to have someone around to help with the chores and looking after your DD. they could watch her while you are in hospital. It might be lovely for your DD. You could ask them to take your DD to the park etc.

If you have two spare bedrooms it would seem a bit mean not to let them use one. Perhaps you could set up a TV in your bedroom so you can have your own space in the daytime.

We lived abroad and had InLaws visiting for extended periods. It was a bit confused but I put up with it nicely for my DH's sake. It would have been unfair and petty not o want his parents but want my parents to come and stay.

If you did agree to it I think it would be perfectly OK to say that you have some reservations.

Arrange for BIL and SIL to invite them over for a day a week so you know you get a day free at least.

digerd Thu 14-Mar-13 09:15:40

What SIL and BIL did was not on. They had arranged for your PIL to stay with them and then put them off for other DM so you are saddled at the most impossible time for you.
I have no advice but am disgusted with them.

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