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Who is BU? Me or DH?

(424 Posts)
IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 22:51:10

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant blush

ZebraOwl Sat 23-Mar-13 07:24:36

Oh, IsItMe, lovely, have just read this & am so sad for you. And have all the stabbittyRAGE at your H & his parents for their abusive-controlling behaviour towards you. angry

You have had lots of excellent advice & so I just want to echo the fact that you are doing brilliantly by standing up for yourself & protecting your DD & that it would be as well to seek RL advice & support to help you to continue doing so to the highest degree possible.

I'd not let your MiL have the care of a wheelbarrow, never mind a 5 month-old baby. Please don't let her have access to you DD when you're not there & make sure you're always able to remove both yourself & DD from MiL's toxicity immediately you feel the need to do so.

Two parents are not always better than one so while I hear what you are saying about not wanting to "cheat DD" of the family structure you'd been planning for her to have, it is NOT that you are taking away from her. It is the appalling behaviour of her father & paternal grandparents that has robbed her of that kind of family life. You, in contrast, are giving her the best possible start by advocating for her needs & your own rather than bringing her up in a household controlled by an abusive controlling bully. Sadly your H's true colours are not at all what you thought, so try to remember when you are missing him that it is not really him you are missing, it is the Idea of him, which has turned out to be a fiction.

Please take good care of yourself. You are doing an incredible job & should be proud of yourself for sticking to your guns & putting the needs of your DD & yourself before the completely unreasonable demands of your H & his parents. flowers

mumat39 Sat 23-Mar-13 00:00:01

I meant to say surround yourself with people as it's hard work looking after a young baby by yourself and it's not surprising that you're tired. I can really understand that you don't want to leave your home so is there anyone who could come and stay with you for a while? Xxx

mumat39 Fri 22-Mar-13 23:52:50

Hi OP.

Re what was said upthread, I wasn't trying to suggest that you LTB at all. I was just trying to say that you need to surround yourself with people who know how to look after you and can support you and your baby. I can't believe that your evil mil likes listening to babies cry.

I was just checking back and hoping to find that your H had seen the error of his ways. You are a good mum and really do sound lovely and not at all controlling.

I hope things get better for you soon. Xxx

candyandyoga Fri 22-Mar-13 23:06:28

How are you op? X

TerraNotSoFirma Thu 21-Mar-13 17:10:58

Enjoys the sound of a baby crying? That made me feel a bit ill, so god knows how it makes you feel OP.

soontobeslendergirl Thu 21-Mar-13 16:25:00

Hmm - my mum - who had 7 of her own kids likes to hear a baby cry......she says it reassures her that their lungs are healthy. She is not a loon otherwise and wouldn't leave them to cry incessantly, but she doesn't worry about it - she says, especially when they are ill, that you worry more when they don't cry - I can sort of see what she is getting at - maybe it's a generational thing.

Cuddlydragon Thu 21-Mar-13 14:04:13

What kind of freak enjoys listening to a baby cry never mind your own grandchild. I think you should speak to your HV about weaning, formula etc. maybe ask for leaflets for your nut case Mil. It's at least documented that she's a loon which might come in helpful wink

BeckAndCall Thu 21-Mar-13 06:42:45

I hate to say this, isit but I think the only way you can trust your DH to see DD is with you there - you can't have him take her over to MILs right now.

Can you and DD maybe meet him in a park or a coffee shop - you could give them space but sit and keep an eye on them? But I wouldn't put it past MIL to turn up there if she thinks you'll be out of eye sight.

dothraki Wed 20-Mar-13 23:25:14

IsIt of course you feel tired - but you are being incredibly strong. You are putting your dd first. Your H is putting his M first and showing no concern about you or his dd. He knows he has put you in a shit position, and his reaction to that - lets sit down and talk till we can figure it all out - NO - he fucked of to god knows where - and fucked off to the pub with his mate - leaving you and dd to cope alone,whilst still threatening you (cutting of money,etc). On top of this you have a relative in hospital. My heart goes out to you. Your dd is young enough for this to not impact on her. I am a gm and I would never do anything with my gc's that I thought their parents would not be 100% happy with.
Your PILs are only concerned about lack of access to their gd.
I hope you are getting lots of rl support. Please get legal advice too. Also maybe you should see about going back to work, maybe part time. If you do please get proper childcare - which does not include your pils {{{hugs}}}

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 20-Mar-13 22:55:09

Well you are - don't doubt yourself.

I hope you manage to get a good nights sleep

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 20-Mar-13 22:46:08

I second the being straight about mil being incapable of following current health advice so not having her.but get proper formal legal advice before you txt him anything

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:45:22

I don't feel like a strong women. I feel tired.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:44:13

Lot tie I completely agree she's crying for a reason so I pick her up.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 20-Mar-13 22:41:44

If MIL really wants to see dd she will come to you and from what you've said, that should be her only opportunity to see her.

lottiegarbanzo Wed 20-Mar-13 22:38:59

What you said about listening to babies cry is so horrible, that alone is reason never to allow dd to be alone with her, or with her and people in her thrall.

Crying is tell you something is wrong so you do something about it, that's what it's for. No-one who fails to respond by checking all sources of distress and offering comfort should be looking after a baby. (Totally different thing from people who know the baby and its routine deciding how to deal with persistent crying and comforting at night). The idea of leaving a young crying baby distressed is horrible. Please don't ever leave your dd with her, or your DH and her, or presumably your FIL, DH an her. Not until dd can talk and assert herself.

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 20-Mar-13 22:38:33

And I agree about solids and formula - I just wanted to reassur enough that offering it is unlikely to lead to her taking it. My dd spat out her first mouthful of formula and refused the bottle for a few days afterwards!

Your dd is growing fast and before you know it she will be asserting herself much more forcefully. The window of being able to leave her to cry is fast diminishing.

You are a strong woman and you just need to keep doing what you are doing - ultimately your dd comes first and you seem to e the only one putting her there.

I wonder if there are any organisations you could speak to about your mil behaviour and how you can protect your dd from that going forward

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:38:17

Don't worry toomuch smile

toomanyfionas Wed 20-Mar-13 22:35:18

OxfordBags Oh dear, I sound like I'm telling you off, Fionas, after you complimented me. I wasn't, I was just stating some facts (and thank you!).

That's okay. I knew someone would! I know family therapy is much frowned upon.

And OP if you are uncomfortable with it then absolutely do not. Sorry!

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 20-Mar-13 22:32:55

I'm sorry about your relative - I hope things start to look up soon

I think you are going to have to spell it out to h that you will not be allowing mil to babysit because she does not seem capable of looking after a baby and you do not trust that your dd's needs will be met. Then if he asks just give a no.

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:31:52

Also I don't want anyone trying to give her formula or solids and its not a decision that anyone else should make but me and H and seems as he's not here or caring for her I think that is down to me and I'm not happy to do that until 6m

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:30:47

Everybody I don't want to stop h seeing DD and up until now I have done everything I can the fact is that if he can't take her to MIL he's not that interested in having her

IsItMeBU Wed 20-Mar-13 22:28:47

I can not get the crying thing either, when she's upset I do what I can to comfort her and get told to not let her become dependant on me and let her cry. When DD was young I went to the loo and come back to DD screaming her head off and MIL sitting watching her happy as lorry and SIL running round trying to find her camera to record it!

I have thought about going to therapy with H but there's no way I'd go wil IL whenever I'm there I always feel as of I'm in the wrong and come away believing I'm the bad one and then when I sit and think about it it starts to click that actually I don't think I am.

I will get legal advice it's just going to be hard at the minute with so much going on with my ill relative. I know H will be pester the hell out of me too for MIL to watch DD so I can go to visit

EverybodysSootyEyed Wed 20-Mar-13 22:27:18

Tbf your dd is unlikely to take the formula or the solids particularly well - particularly from someone that isn't you. They will be on a hiding to nothing.

But she enjoys hearing a baby cry - wtf is that about? She sounds unhinged. Does she watch Films with torture and think they're a comedy?

I think it is unreasonable to withhold contact from your h but given the circumstances around his mum I think you are entirely reasonable to insist contact is at the house with you in the building and your mum or friend.

I also think you need legal advice.

OxfordBags Wed 20-Mar-13 22:22:41

Oh dear, I sound like I'm telling you off, Fionas, after you complimented me. I wasn't, I was just stating some facts (and thank you!).

OxfordBags Wed 20-Mar-13 22:21:53

Fionas, counselling/therapy is not advised in cases of abuse and coercive maltreatment, which this clearly is. The OH is also so obviously stuck in his pathological need to please his mother at all costs that it means that he needs loads of therapy for himself before family therapy could even attempt to work.

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