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Who is BU? Me or DH?

(424 Posts)
IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 22:51:10

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant blush

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:14:42

What a load of rubbish! Tell him he clearly does not care for you if he refuses to listen to you telling him you hate the job and it makes you unhappy. Tell him if it's a "small" thing, then they can easily find someone else.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:14:52

magic I would struggle because FIL is very persuasive and is hard to say no to without feeling guilty

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:15:16

So say, he clearly doesn't care about you,mas he is asking you to do this big thing that you really hate doing. How could he force that on someone he is supposed to love?

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:15:26

Ok - then feel guilty! But still say no!

I'd talk to your inlaws. Remind them you said you didn't want to do it last year.
And tell your DH he needs to have a bit of respect. He can't agree for you to do something in return for babysitting by MIL. Babysitting is for nice evenings out not working.
Stand up to him, or will get worse.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:16:11

deep no I don't think I am. I just no I would have to explain again and again why I'm saying no and would be talked into it

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:16:39

It's not a small thing though, it's something you hate, and more importantly it's a principle.

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:17:19

You need to simply stick to your story. Say, sorry, but you won't change your mind on this. Tell them you will write/ post adverts for them if they need your help, but that as you pointed out a year ago, you were never going to take this job up again. Tell him you made that very clear and you are shocked that you are being asked again.

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:18:04

The best way with FIL would be the broken record.

"I'm sorry FIL, I really don't want to do it. I did tell you that last year."

If he tries to make you feel guilty, say "Please don't put this guilt trip on me, that's really unfair to me."

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:18:30

I've said well clearly you don't care about me and my feelings and he twists it so its me being self centred and I only care about me being happy so everyone should just tip toe around me to not upset me because no else is important but me.

I can't win an argument

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:18:58


With FIL you need to repeat the MN mantras - 'No is a complete sentence' and 'Never apologise, never explain'.

Have you put any of this in writing to them?

AnnieLobeseder Tue 12-Mar-13 23:19:47

No way in hell would I accept that kind of aggressive bullying from anyone, let alone my DH. "Do this thing you hate or I'll leave you"? Really? Fuck off then.

I'm open to discussion, I'm open to compromise, I'm open to bribery grin. But blackmail and bullying? Even if it were something I wouldn't actually mind doing, the answer would be "no" on principle.

How dare he say you don't care about him or his family? He obviously doesn't care about you if he's willing to bully you.

Is he from another culture? If he is, and it's one where family businesses are the norm, with everyone expected to muck in without question, I might be able to see where he's coming from and why he can't understand you not wanting to do the job. But it still doesn't excuse the way he's going about trying to convince you.

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:21:14

I've been wondering if this is a cultural thing too?

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:21:53

No annie he's not from a different culture

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:22:32

So say to DH "Is this a deal breaker for you? Because I really don't want us to separate, but I will not do this job." if you give in, as SockPixie says, his demands will get more and more extreme.

Oh, and get a job as soon as you can, because there is no way I would want to be financially dependent on this man!

travailtotravel Tue 12-Mar-13 23:23:40

Stick to your guns. We are here to support.

There'll be no talking to DH while he is forcing you to be so resolute. What a shame he is risking his family life over being such a twat.
Its interesting that he's just started to be like this since DC ... is he struggling with the fact that naturally the children now come first? That's not a criticism, just wondering why he has suddenly decided to come over all forceful now?!

AnnieLobeseder Tue 12-Mar-13 23:23:57

Absolutely no excuse then. Twat. You have children, yes? I'm assuming you both parented them through the toddler years in the usual way, teaching them that demanding things and throwing tantrums didn't get them what they wanted. So why on earth is he trying toddler tactics with you now?

ChaoticisasChaoticdoes Tue 12-Mar-13 23:24:31


Your H sounds like a nasty, abusive bully. He's already stooping to emotional blackmail and if you give in on this then it'll only get worse as time goes on. As has been said above many abusers start their abuse when the other person is vulnerable. You really need to put your foot down now before it gets worse.

AnnieLobeseder Tue 12-Mar-13 23:24:43

Oh, and get a job as soon as you can, because there is no way I would want to be financially dependent on this man!


IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:26:46

sanity I do think I need to get a job again and kind of separate our finances. I know if I get a job he will want MIL to do all the child care and I don't want that. She can't accept that I do things different from how she did them 30 years ago and of course my way is wrong

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:27:21

If he carries on like this we'll be in LTB territory.

OxfordBags Tue 12-Mar-13 23:27:22

His FAMILY is you and his DD. What about his loyalty to the both of you?! By wanting to do what you feel is best for your daughter, you are being loyal, caring and unselfish towards your family.

FIL sounds a manipulative bully, as opposed to 'persuasive'. And your husband sounds downright abusive. Pregnancy or the birth of a child often triggers latent bullying tendencies, and it sounds like it's done this to him. He has to win all the arguments, does he? And what about your needs, wants, rights? Are you a real person or just a childrearing servant for the family business?

The fact that you used to work FT and still did stuff for them PT speaks volumes of a pattern of you being walked over by them, and getting pushed into doing far more than you should have to in the name of loyalty or whatever. It's also really sinister and bullying to try to get his father to try to persuade (bully) you into agreeing. Are you ever allowed to say no to anything? How far is he going to take his refusal to accept your rights?

I feel quite shocked and upset by what you're going through. It's just not normal and sounds really oppressive. It's as I said, it sounds like he doesn't see you as a real person anymore.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:29:17

travel I don't know why he has become like this since DD. We hardly ever use to argue and we had a really good relationship but lately he's become very dominant and his decision is final

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:29:26

This man is an abuser in the making. He is trying it on. He really is. If you don't put up with it, he may realise the error of his ways, and realise that this is the wrong way to behave in a relationship.

If he can't compromise, well the harsh truth is you might split up over it.

Do you want to live in an abusive relationship? Do you want DD to grow up thinking that men are the boss, and women should be subservient to them?

But you know these things, already.

AnnieLobeseder Tue 12-Mar-13 23:31:06

Have you asked him why he suddenly thinks that he gets the final say in everything? Perhaps he hasn't noticed that he's doing it.

I agree with everyone else that you need to have a very serious talk with him about boundaries and respect if this relationship is to have a future.

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