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Who is BU? Me or DH?

(424 Posts)
IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 22:51:10

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant blush

RosieLig Tue 12-Mar-13 22:53:37

YNBU at all! Is your husband normally a bully?

TheCraicDealer Tue 12-Mar-13 22:54:53

Tell him your not sure you want to be with someone who's emotionally blackmailing you into leaving your five month old for a job you don't want to do.

YANBU. Is he normally such a bullying twat?

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 22:55:53

He use to be great but since DD he's become very dominant. He likes to make all the decisions and that's final hmm

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 12-Mar-13 22:56:57

Regardless of whether YWBU to refuse in the first place, I don't think you were, your H is being a bullying, shitty, nasty wanker to threaten to leave you over this. I think you should stand your ground AND tell him he is threatening your marriage and he had better think again.

CookieLady Tue 12-Mar-13 22:57:39

YANBU. You gave them ample time to find a suitable replacement but they chose not to. It's not your problem. Stick to your guns.

maddening Tue 12-Mar-13 22:57:58

Tell him he promised his mother a certain task woulf be done and if he can't do it himself he is welcome to pay for the services of someone who can.

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 22:58:16

Yanbu. Take the family part out of the equation - you gave notice almost a year ago. I can't think of any normal job where anything like that notice period is required.

DH has bogged up and is taking out on you. You have every right to be livid.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 12-Mar-13 22:58:17

YANBU and no, you should not suck it up and do it just because your DH is being a fuckwith. He has promised your FIL that you would do XYZ and so is probably worried he will have egg on his face if you say no. His problem, not yours.

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 12-Mar-13 22:58:41

A lot of abuse starts during/after pregnancy and having a child. Not saying this is the case but only you know if this rises to that level.

Flojobunny Tue 12-Mar-13 23:00:09

Got a bit confused when you said you have a FT job but also a SAHM because you don't need the money. But otherwise your DH is BU for trying to push you in to something you don't want to do.
Trying to find a balance but struggling.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:01:43

I just don't know how we're going to resolve this. He won't give in and the only way it will end is if I give in

LadyPessaryPam Tue 12-Mar-13 23:01:53

Tell him to do one.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:02:31

Sorry I ment I did work FT and also worked doing few bits for them as a second job but now we have DD I'm a SAHM

CookieLady Tue 12-Mar-13 23:03:09

If you give in his newly acquired penchant for having the final say will only get worse. He'll walk all over you.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Tue 12-Mar-13 23:05:15

How about calling Mil and Fil and saying you will not be able to do it. Would that help? (as in help you get out of this predicament and get DH to shut the fuck up about it!)

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:05:18

You're going to have to put your foot down or end up as a doormat. And if he won't back down, do you want to bring up dd in a home like that?

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:07:59

No, it's him BU, not you.

You gave plenty of notice. If they chose to disbelieve you, that's not your fault.

Incidentally, you are now far more vulnerable as a SAHP with a young child than you were as someone working full time. He is taking advantage of that vulnerability.

He is also showing more loyalty to his parents than he is to his wife, and he needs to realise that sometimes he has to make a choice about who comes first. Loyalty in a marriage is not just about sexual fidelity!

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:09:41

alliwant no they know I don't want to do this but DH has already roped FIL in on this because he know I would struggle to say no to FIL so he thought I would just agree and they would all win.

He's making out this is all my fault and if I just do it then everyone will be happy and we won't be arguing and it's me that's being awkward and causing these problems

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:10:56

He won't give in and the only way it will end is if I give in
That's NOT the only way it will end. He can't make you do this job. Tell him if it's about money you will look for a job you love. Tell him you will not make yourself unhappy to help his parents out. Do the broken record technique. Just calmly repeat it over and over.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:11:50

In my experance if someone in a normal relationship says

"I will leave you if you don't do xyz or do xyz" the best response it you know where the door is.

(Excluding reasonable requests like to stop being abusive ect)

Because if you give in once they will always use that line and the requests get worse.

SanityClause Tue 12-Mar-13 23:11:58

Giving in will be the start of a slippery slope.

I agree with AllIWant. Go direct to PIL and remind them that you did say you didn't want to do the job again, and that you haven't changed your mind. Tell DH after the event. He can't complain about you going behind his back - you are only doing what he did to you, after all.

IsItMeBU Tue 12-Mar-13 23:12:50

He said to me that clearly I don't care about him or his family because I'm being selfish by not doing this small thing for them

MagicHouse Tue 12-Mar-13 23:12:50

Why would you struggle to say no to FIL? Just tell him the job doesn't make you happy and you're sure he wouldn't want that for you. Say, "no"(!) that you're sorry, but they will need to look for someone else.

DeepRedBetty Tue 12-Mar-13 23:14:34

Are you a bit scared of FIL?

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