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To want to stop meeting this Mum at Dd's school

(16 Posts)
TommyPickle Mon 11-Mar-13 21:14:58

I'd like to know if I'm being a cow or whether I really am right in wanting to distance myself from this woman. Sorry it's a bit long.

Dd started school in September and made friends with a little girl. Her mum was really enthusiastic about the friendship which I found a bit ott, but they were friends in class and dd really liked the girl. The first time I found this woman weird was when dd started receiving more party invites than her dd. She found out dd had been invited to one particular party and started a complete attack against the party girls mother behind her back calling her a snob and stuck up. This carried on for months and only stopped last week when the mother invited her dd to her house for tea and she's stopped.

During the first few months of school I met her mum in a shop once and she started telling me about how many parties her granddaughter was invited to and that she has 2-4 invitations a week hmm. It was really odd because the week before the girls mum had had a weird conversation with me saying "we must be the hated ones because we're not as snobbish as the other mums, that's why our kids don't get party invites". I had to just smile along. The other day she found out dd had received more invites and she went all quiet and told her dd "doesn't matter darlin you'll have more" hmm.

Another thing I found odd about her is how she has started competing her dd with my dd after she realised I care a lot about Dd's reading, writing and maths. She didnt make an appointment for the first parents evening because "it's not important. I bet all the other snobby teachers pets are meeting the teacher". She then realised DH and me had booked an appointment and would go and she got a bit upset. This parents day, she booked the first slot and came upto me all smug that she'd got the first appointment and I just smiled and nodded. It's just really small pathetic things she keeps competing with and it's annoying me now because I'm not the competitive type of person and she keeps making comments like "oh we should fight it out in the playground to see who's dd is better" hmm. I know she's joking but I don't give a shit what her or any other child does.

I didn't meet up with her a few times outside school because I wasn't sure about her, but she really kept pushing the girls friendship and talking about meeting up so I invited her dd around our house over half term and her mum kind of invited herself along too. I talked to her for 5 hours and realised she is a really draining person. Her tone is monotonous and she mumbles a lot and I catch myself asking her to repeat herself a few times in every sentence. I feel really bad for feeling like this, but I just get really depressed after talking to her. Even my DH finds her mundane when he meets her in the mornings some days.

Recently I've been ill and she keeps phoning and messaging me. I phoned her back yesterday and told her I can't talk because I'm ill and my throat hurts, and she just completely ignored me and kept talking. Apparently she was worried about me because I've been really quiet recently and she wanted to know why. I've hardly had a chance to meet her! On the phone I had to cut her short because I couldn't listen to her draining conversations about her ex and the people from the past (we had old school bullies in common and tbh, talking about them doesn't really make me happy but she wants to talk about these people all the bloody time).

AIBU to slowly back away? She knows I'm not as forthright with her as I was, and she's feeling something is odd, hence the stream of texts/phone calls. I've just found out I'm pregnant and I don't want to drain myself emotionally even more listening to her. I'm happy for dd to be her Dd's friend, but I just can't be her mums
Friend too. I just can't.

I'm sorry it's so long.

BratinghamPalace Mon 11-Mar-13 21:33:24


ClippedPhoenix Mon 11-Mar-13 21:33:50

She sounds rather toxic and I'd give her a wide berth.

You don't have to become friends with the mothers unless they are your cup of tea.

Over the years (DS now 15) I have come across many of my childs friends parents. A couple I have lunch with now and again. One has become a very good friend.

Just remain polite when and if you meet her and let it fade.

MolotovCocktail Mon 11-Mar-13 21:33:52

You've answered your own question at the end of your post there - it's your DDs who are friends, not you two as mums.

It's great when your kid has a friend whose mum you think is great and who you want to be friends with. But it doesn't mean that you have to the other mum's BFF.

I had a similar problem with a woman I met at my DDs toddler group a couple of years ago. She latched onto me; she's okay but definitely not my cup of tea. We're very different. I found it quite suffocating and when I became pregnant with DD2 in July 2011, I couldn't take it anymore.

I backed away, made myself unavailable, stopped meeting with her. It was difficult, but I always made sure that I was meeting another friend (even if I wasn't and only going to Sainsbury's). I made sure that I was 'seen' with other mums and made sure I made an effort to make other friends to break away from that woman.

I wouldn't stop my dd playing with hers, but I wouldn't have play-dates at my house because te other mum could invite herself over.

And you're right: now you're pg you don't need the stress. Congratulations, look after yourself and don't worry abou this little odd-bod who has attached herself to you.

Wellthen Mon 11-Mar-13 21:34:05

YANBU to back away but I wouldnt describe her behaviour as competitive as such. She is behaving like a teenager trying to fit in and one of the best ways to fit in is to make out you, and your crowd, are different to others.

Sounds like she likes you (poor you) and is copying your behaviours. She is rude about the other Mums thinking this will get you onside.

She will feel rejected and will probably at least ignore you if not actually be directly horrible. Ignore and always be civil. If you don't like her, you don't like her, there is no reason you should waste your time on her.

TommyPickle Mon 11-Mar-13 21:57:14

Thanks for reading through all of that blush. I'm glad you all think inbu.

Molotov, I do have a few more excuses up my sleeve for when she tries to persuade me to have a meet up for our dc2's. she's been asking me for weeks to meet up so the babies can play, but I keep making excuses. She doesn't stop asking. Last December my aunt died and I had to cancel meeting her and now the last two times I've met her she says "you better not cAncel on us! Haha".

Another freaky thing she did was the last time we met, she messaged me at night saying "hey you've met us twice in a row and haven't cancelled, that means you like us"...It all seems stalkerish like my space is being invaded.

In the mornings she stands in the doorway staring at me and dd read. She hardly ever sits down with her dd to read. She stands and waits for me to get up and talk to her, but I ignore her because mornings are about getting dd settled. I don't want to talk to her in the morning.

Wellthen you're absolutely spot on in your post. I think the other mothers are alright. I don't have a problem with them, because I don't really know them. I don't like bitching about people I don't know, but she's happy to do it.

I'm dreading the morning now.

TattyDevine Mon 11-Mar-13 21:58:05

She sounds socially awkward, in the extreme. Bless her. Don't feel the need to hand hold her though. Tricky eh?

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood Mon 11-Mar-13 22:07:00

Backing away sounds like the right thing to do.

there is no need as an adult to be beholden to her. You are not doing anything wrong or unkind.

It would be totally fair to say "unfortunately I am not going to be able to make it, but have a lovely time" each time she invites you to something.

I have in the past had issues with people mistaking me being friendly for wanting to be their friend. I am just the sort of person who is smiley and happy to chat to whom ever I am standing next to waiting for the school doors to open.

GreenEggsAndNichts Mon 11-Mar-13 22:08:40

wow. YANBU, but I don't really have constructive advice as to how to back away slowly. It will naturally happen as the girls get older (surely?) but that's a long time and potentially a lot of awkward meetups in-between. Hopefully someone else has some ideas.

ENormaSnob Mon 11-Mar-13 22:11:42


AllOverIt Mon 11-Mar-13 22:20:24

She sounds odd. Back away. Life is too short to waste time with people who drain you. YANBU

TommyPickle Mon 11-Mar-13 22:35:57

Greeneggs, I'm really hoping it happens as they grow up. She has already told me she wishes they stay in the same class forever because I'm the only person worth talking to and all the other mums are "teachers pets". It's very nice of her, but it's suffocating. I'm a happy introvert and I can't handle people being so full on. I want dd to have a nice full social life, not myself.

Thanks to everyone for reading and replying. I still have a sore throat so will cut short any conversations if she tries to talk at length.

Spinkle Mon 11-Mar-13 23:56:41

Holy crapcakes. She's difficult and strange. I would def back off asap. Fwiw I am a nutter magnet too. I worried for years that maybe they saw a kindred spirit in me gulp

Kytti Tue 12-Mar-13 00:15:16

EEEEK! Back away from the strange lady.

Although you realise once she twigs she'll tell everyone how awful you are. You're not, she sounds terrible.

Perhaps you might encourage your DD toward more children too, although you can't always pick their friends. (sadly!)

Good luck.

thezebrawearspurple Tue 12-Mar-13 00:18:16


toffeelolly Tue 12-Mar-13 00:22:02


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