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... to feel so upset cos no-one has made any effort on Mothers Day?

(93 Posts)
needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 17:17:25

Yes, I know there are people who no longer have their mother with them, and way too sadly, people who would just like to have their children with them today and my heart goes out to those of you in that situation. So in a way, I know already I am being unreasonable and a bit spoilt brattish. But for the 1st time since I had children, Mothers Day has just been like any other Sunday. I have 2 older teenagers, one living at home, one not. They have both sent me "happy mothers day" messages on FB... but otherwise, you wouldn't know it was mothers day. Don't get me wrong, I really, really don't expect gifts, or even cards. Just a bit more acknowledgement than a FB message that it's Mothers' Day. I guess it's just time to face up to the fact that Mum isn't that important to them any more. But it hurts.

wiltingfast Wed 13-Mar-13 17:35:53

I think this is daft tbh. It's a commercial invention like v day. I personally hate the pressure to appear to ack m day. Of course I love my mother and appreciate her but I don't see why I should have to support hallmark in the process.

M day has nothing to do with anything except creating some business for already fat pockets imo.

Nonetheless I'm sorry it has acted to create totally unneccessary upset for you. Hope your kids make it up to you soon.

Writehand Wed 13-Mar-13 13:05:57

It must've been a real let-down when in the past your family have been so lovely. If I were you I'd let them see that you're hurt. Kids often seem to think parents are sort of "non-stick", invulnerable. You're their mum rather than a person. I think it's good for them to see that you can be hurt.

About the only benefit of being a lone parent is that your kids get to see you as a fallible, imperfect human being. In an ideal world a widowed mum would be able to conceal her grief and anxieties from her innocent children, but in reality the kids can't help but be aware that life's been lonely & tough, though I always hid in my office at the bottom of the garden when I really had to howl. Over the years the 3 of us have become a tight little team.

When my DH was alive we discussed the kids in bed at night, which meant the kids perceived us & our parenting as a seamless unit. It made them totally secure. I don't expect our DSs ever put a thought to us being anything other than their parents, and never considered an act of theirs could cause us hurt. So, in a way, your children's carelessness is a tribute to the security of their upbringing. smile

needtonamechangeforthis Mon 11-Mar-13 15:39:25

( I can spell "thoughtful, but have sticky "t" key and hadn't noticed smile)

needtonamechangeforthis Mon 11-Mar-13 15:32:12

I understand that Writehand. I guess I was more upset that a) I've never had to remind them b) I have a usually thoughful DD, can almost excuse the "left home son" (I know, that's wrong, but it's what I've got used to) .. and c) DH didn't think to remind them. It wasn't like they even forgot, just didn't make any special efforts - again, I only missed it because they've always been so thoughful, unprodded, in the past.

But you have reminded me that I have an awful lot to be thankful for, and that in itself was a kick up the backside, so thank you x

Writehand Mon 11-Mar-13 13:55:21

What a gracious, kind apology, needtoname. But it wasn't necessary. Your pain yesterday was real and it mattered a lot to you. And thank you too, Bumping. flowers

My DH was lovely. We had 17 good years packed with memories and he taught me and his kids a lot. That's a big consolation. Divorced friends are left with no happy memories. In some ways I'm lucky. He adored me and we kept our vows until death which meant a lot to both of us.

After his death I realised I would never get a Mother's Day or birthday card from my thoughtless lads unless I primed them up and asked outright (and in detail) for the attention I felt was my due. I knew I'd be heartbroken if they forget -- so I don't let them. My kids will never forget Mother's Day because they don't get the chance, poor little sods. smile That's where my strategy came from. Don't ask doesn't get. Especially from boys, imo.

LadyPessaryPam Mon 11-Mar-13 12:26:15

Well that killed that thread didn't it!

needtonamechangeforthis Mon 11-Mar-13 09:18:41

Writehand, I'm also sorry for your loss. Makes my self-absorbed upset about Mothers Day seem really trivial. My apologies.

timidviper Sun 10-Mar-13 23:28:58

slambang DH and DS were horrified when I cried after they didn't do anything on my birthday. I think the shock has done them good actually as it has made them realise that it does hurt my feelings when they take me for granted.

fluffypillow Sun 10-Mar-13 23:01:54

Dtwat did bugger all with the kids for me today....... sad

so I made his favourite tea then ate it (slowly) in front of him. grin

Good for you!

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 22:44:53

Writehand I'm sorry for your loss. I objected to your tone, not necessarily what you said.

Emotive day, today. Best wishes to you.

Dtwat did bugger all with the kids for me I made his favourite tea then ate it (slowly) in front of him.


Writehand Sun 10-Mar-13 22:34:51

If I have remind them, after 19 years of not having to, then it's not the kind of mothers day I was used to.

That's sad, and I can only hope next year's better. I can see why you're so disappointed.

But that whole "If I have to remind them" business is just what my DH complained about. Women getting disappointed when their minds aren't read.

I've always reminded my DSs, and I probably always will, because I know I'd be hurt if they didn't celebrate. But then my DH died when my DSs were small, so he wasn't there to remind them.

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 22:34:00

Night need. Have a good sleep.

Graceparkhill Sun 10-Mar-13 22:30:52

Apologies if you have already answered this OP but do they know how upset you are?

I had a meltdown 4 years ago when DS1and DS2 didn't do anything.
DH was ill so unable to prompt and DS2 was only 9 but DS1 was 16 and had cash plus the ability to shop unaided.

I spent the whole day and evening thinking - any minute now my cards will be produced but nothing.

Eventually after tears and sulking on my part ( not proud of this) they all apologised and produced last minute handmade cards and a hastily drawn IOU.

DS1 later explained that they had no idea I would be so upset and didn't think MD was that important to me. TBH up until then nor did I.
Anyway thus far MD has always been remembered with cards ( and pressie when funds allow) so my top tip is tell them how you feel and give them a chance to make amends.

slambang Sun 10-Mar-13 22:30:45

Rant away. You should rant. And you should let them know you care.

I have had a lovely Mothers Day from dh and my 2 teens today and haven't lifted a finger although we ate 3 hours late but only because I burst into tears on my birthday earlier this year when they all made zero effort. (I got one unwrapped present that was the wrong size from dh and no cards from any of the lazy sods.)

I agree that the cost of presents is meaningless but when they say it's the thought that counts it means some thought actually needs to be put into it.

Anyhow, I burst into tears and had a rant a day or 2 after my non birthday and told them all I felt bloody hurt. They were gobsmacked that I actually cared! I'd told them so many times that presents didn't matter etc that they'd genuinely told themselves that I wasn't bothered so they didn't need to do anything. I honestly think it was the best thing I could have done because it taught my lazy teens that their actions or inaction do have consequences and that I am not a doormat with no feelings.

As I said, rant away. You deserve a rant and they need to be 'helped to understand' that you sometimes want to be shown that you're appreciated.

Ledkr Sun 10-Mar-13 22:27:12

My adult boys are sporadic with it all. One year I text them and said. "I have four children and only one card from your little sister" hmm
Since then they at least remember to text.
Dds get assisted by dh who really does make a nice effort.
Do as I do. I asked ds3 what he'd got me and he replied "I sent you a nice text" I asked him if he'd be happy with a text for his next birthday in may!

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 22:23:48

thank you Bumping, and love to all who are also feeling a bit less than special tonight. Am going to bed now as getting more and more wound up so just need to chill and be thankful I have happy, healthy kids, shouldn't really ask for any more than that.

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 22:22:18

Ah, that must hurt need. I'd guess they are busy with their own lives, etc, etc... But it doesn't make you feel any better. Happy Mothers' Day need. You're a star thanks

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 22:18:00

I have a boy and a girl. They have always sorted MD on their own without any prompting, apart from when they were so little DH had to help. MD isn't about ME reminding them, nor about telling them how upset I am that they haven't done anything for the first time in 19 years. I'm upset because for the first time , THEY haven't wanted to celebrate Mothers Day, they haven't done anything off their own backs. If I have remind them, after 19 years of not having to, then it's not the kind of mothers day I was used to.

Horsemad Sun 10-Mar-13 22:16:09

Yep, I think you have to reinforce, reinforce REINFORCE!

Writehand Sun 10-Mar-13 22:13:00

I didn't mean to be unsupportive. My whole point wasn't that my kids love me more than yours or I parent better, or some rubbish like that, it's that I don't think my DSs would've celebrated MD for me if I hadn't made a point of training them. There's nothing very spontaneous about all my preparations! smile

I think you're feeling sad and unloved and therefore seeing put downs when they aren't there. Never crossed my mind to put you down. All I was saying that boys don't understand how much this stuff means unless you tell 'em, and I wondered whether they knew. How are they gonna know if you don't say?

Why did you not storm in and say "So what happened to Mother's Day?" and raise hell? Tell them what heartless ungrateful toads they are? I certainly would've done. Better than telling us.

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 22:12:50

Oh yeah, need, they are telling me to TELL THEM WHAT TO GET ME FOR MOTHERS' DAY.


timidviper Sun 10-Mar-13 22:11:53

OP, I'm sorry you're upset and I understand how you feel.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago. My DD is abroad and sent a card and pressie, DS sent something but sent it the afternoon before so, of course, it wasn't there on the day and DH didn't get around to sorting anything as he always expects me to do stuff myself or give him instructions. I threw the most enormous drama-queeny strop you have ever seen which is very unlike me but I just felt unappreciated, as you do today. I stressed it was not the presents, etc it was the thought that counted.

Can I tell you it has worked. Today they all did behave thoughtfully.

I think you need to show them how upset you are or it will become accepted behaviour. Sorry.

twintwo Sun 10-Mar-13 22:08:22

Namechange I'm with you on this one too. I had 3 lovely cards from my boys made at school on Friday, but no mention of Mother's Day today from them or dh. I thought he might remember after church and buy something on the way back but no luck. Has been a very normal Sunday here as usual.

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 22:06:08

maybe your children are trying to tell you something too Bumping wink

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