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step-mum feeling a little sad today! aibu?

(103 Posts)
Fluffydeville Sun 10-Mar-13 12:08:35

I don't know if step-mum's generally get any recognition today, just a card or a text would be nice I guess, my DSD is 15 and we have a great relationship this is my first mothers day officially as a step-mum since DH and I got married last year. For fathers day I took DSD shopping and bought gifts for her for both my husband and her stepdad, just feel like I am the only one getting left out here, a little acknowledgement would mean the world. am i being over-sensitive and un-reasonable?

TroublesomeEx Sun 10-Mar-13 14:04:04

fluffy Sorry. Didn't mean it to read as though you'd been the OW blush. I didn't read/assume that at all, I was just thinking about my own circumstances.

FWIW, I think it would be a nice thing to happen, I can just understand why some children in some situations might not. I reread my post and it does sound as though I was making certain assumptions/assertions, but I wasn't smile

ELR Sun 10-Mar-13 14:06:52

I do feel for you i can imagine it can be really hurtful. I would be blaming your husband not your dsd he could have reminded her. Next year just let him know you would like something. Hope you enjoy your day anyway I. Sure there are plenty of mums who aren't step mums that have nothing too so you aren't alone!

hiddenhome Sun 10-Mar-13 14:11:54

YABU I would never expect ds to send a Fathers Day card to dh (his stepfather) even though he's helped raise him since he was three. Dh still isn't his dad.

Flixy102 Sun 10-Mar-13 15:28:59

My DSD (15) forgot to get a card for her own mum, so I'm not upset that I didn't get one from her either!

Yes if would be nice to get acknowledged for the emotional and financial input into her life, but I do think that deep down she does appreciate it, and I hate all these money spinning made up days anyway.

cleofatra Sun 10-Mar-13 15:30:47

I feel the same.
I'm a stepmum with a 19 year old DSS who lives with us in the week and visits his mother on saturday nights.

cleofatra Sun 10-Mar-13 15:32:36

whois Got it in one .

Fleecyslippers Sun 10-Mar-13 15:53:36

YANBU to feel a little bit sad in your circumstances.

On the flip coin to Whois however, my kids dad presented them with a card yesterday and told them to sign it for OW. They refused. They don't support my children financially and are doing everything in their power to destroy me financially. Children do not have overnight contact with their father (court ordered) Yesterday evening he told them that he didn't have enough petrol to drive them home and that they'd have to stay overnight. At this point OW laughed and told that they'd have to pretend that SHE was their mummy this year. So not particularly concerned about their emotional well being either hmm

TroublesomeEx Sun 10-Mar-13 16:40:54

That's awful fleecy.

Tbh, I wouldn't have a problem dating a man with children, but I have this (possibly over optimistic) idea that I'd meet with their mother and we'd have an amicable 'relationship'.

I'd certainly have no desire to step on anyone's toes and would want to be as respectful of them as I'd hope they would be of me.

I have pretty much the same idea when it comes to any future partner my stbxh has.

The children are my priority!

WhatICallAUsername Sun 10-Mar-13 16:41:41

Wow. Fuck that. So a step mum is supposed to treat husbands kids the same as any she might have, pay towards their care, run around after them, love them, but fuck that nasty cow if she dares to feel like she's doing a 'mum' role

Yes! (Not agreeing with the nasty cow bit, my DSM is very lovely) My DSM and I have a very close relationship and get on very well , and yes she may have paid towards my care (food, days out without my DF), run around after me when I was younger (have known her more than half my life), and loves me, as I do her! But no, she does not have a 'Mum' role towards me. She and I both understand that I have one Mum, and she has never tried to fulfil that role. The relationship we do have is close and I love her very much, but I haven't sent her a Mother's Day card. She'll have that from her daughter (my beautiful DHalfSister!)

Hope I've explained myself in a vaguely understandable way...

NatashaBee Sun 10-Mar-13 16:48:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ratbagcatbag Sun 10-Mar-13 16:52:17

My DSS never got me card or anything when younger, however now he's teens I got a card and chocs last year and the sane this, organised no doubt by his mum, I also got a lovely text off her thanking m for all I do fir DSS and saying she's knows she's lucky I love him so much. I think that's awesome, and it's lovely now he's old enough o see what I do without it confusing him. smile

CointreauVersial Sun 10-Mar-13 17:12:32

From a stepdaughter's perspective, I didn't buy my DSM a card when I was younger, because I was determined that the privilege be reserved for my DM (even though the marriage split was way before DSM came onto the scene). I knew it was important for her self-esteem that, even though I had a new second family, she was my only mother.

But my attitude has changed over the years. I love DSM dearly, and she treated me as a daughter whenever I stayed at my dad's, and I do now buy her a card. DM gets along very well with her, and the family dynamic has settled down as time has passed.

But I have huge problems every year finding a card that doesn't have "mum" or "to my mummy" written on it. I have never seen a "stepmum" card, even though there must be thousands of them out there.

Titchyboomboom Sun 10-Mar-13 17:21:34

I just popped flowers and a card in to my step mum but my mum doesn't know I do it. They have been together 15 years and I have only done it since her own mother died.

I don't mean to be rude but it just doesn't feel right for some to buy for step mums. My sisters don't

Purple2012 Sun 10-Mar-13 17:30:39

Yanbu. I get a gift and card from my 15 yr old SD. It's her idea, she wasn't told to do it.

Melbourme Sun 10-Mar-13 17:56:58

I'm sorry it's made you feel sad. But my Dad has been with his wife since I was 8 years old and I have never thought of her as having a 'mother' role in my life and so it has literally never occured to me until seeing this thread to show her any recognition on mother's day and I'm 99% sure she'd find it pretty weird if I did! I have an excellent and very close relationship with my Dad's wife (I have never called her my step-mother which I know might be unusual), and she is very involved in my life. The way I feel about her is probably more the way you'd feel about a close aunt - I love her and am grateful she's in my life but she's definitely not my mother! What I'm trying to say is don't feel that just because she hasn't given you some sort of 'recognition' on mother's day that she doesn't value you - she probably cares about you a lot, it's just that she doesn't think of you as her mother.

olibeansmummy Sun 10-Mar-13 18:12:40

whois that is exactly how many people (especially on mn) expect step mothers to be sad

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 10-Mar-13 18:35:12


I'm sure you get on very well with your DSD but you are not her mother. It may not even have occurred to her to buy you a card or a present as that is not what you are. It does not mean however that she does not care for you nor that you don't occupy an important part in your life and I'd imagine that she would reflect that through getting you a nice Birthday card and present.

I believe if you force the issue by getting your DH to speak to her you could do more harm than good. Enjoy the fact that you both get on well and that you have a good relationship rather than expecting special acknowledgement for the fact. I'm sure there are plenty of mothers around the country that haven't received cards - when I was younger I routinely got it mixed up with Mothering Sunday and would present Mum with a card on the wrong day.

There is however an American invention of the stepfamily day that I have found Perhaps your family should celebrate that in September.

olibeansmummy Sun 10-Mar-13 18:48:45

Oops sorry I forgot to answer the actual op!

You say you helped your dsd to buy Father's Day cards, which suggests your dsd still needs reminding to buy cards and presents and probably, no one has thought to tell her. It's lovely that you did that for her/ her dad and step dad, but I guess others are not so thoughtful. Also, does she have her own money? I guess it would be weird for her mum to help her buy you a card, so if anyone did, it should have been your dh. Do you have other children?

madbengal Sun 10-Mar-13 18:54:59

Step mum's day is 16th May if that helps

theoriginalandbestrookie Sun 10-Mar-13 18:58:20

Ah I didn't realise there was an actual step mums day. That's even better.

2rebecca Sun 10-Mar-13 19:14:00

I'm a stepmum and have never expected anything from my stepkids. I'm pleased when they remember my husband on father's day but they have a mum and it's not me. My mum is dead but if my fathe remarried I would never send my stepmother a mother's day card. You only have one mother (unless adopted or mother died very young in which case I appreciate you may feel another woman has taken on the mothering role)

buttons99 Sun 10-Mar-13 19:24:29

I am a step mum with DSC that live with me and see their Mum very occasionally. I find it very hurtful that she gets cards etc and I don't. She is Mum in name and I am Mum in every other aspect. There are step mum cards, and for someone who is like a Mother cards and infact a Thank You card would suffice. My 3 DC buy there own Dad and my Dh (their SD) cards and gifts for Fathers day and it hurts that despite all I give it isn't appreciated (or thats how it feels anyway) If they lived with their Mum it would obviously be her that got the cards etc but they don't. Maybe it is a loyalty thing or just a not thought about thing but it hurts ALOT.

2rebecca Sun 10-Mar-13 19:27:07

You aren't their mum though. Youre the woman they live with because you are married to their dad.

eslteacher Sun 10-Mar-13 19:31:39

I'm also a step-mum, and DSS has never given me any sort of card/present/recognition on Mother's Day. But this is OK with me, because I don't see myself as having a mothering role towards him. I feel more like an aunt or godmother or something, but definitely not as though I am in a mothering-type role - maybe this would be different though if he was here more than EOW/holidays.

DSS shows me recognition in other ways throughout the year, e.g; sweetly thought out birthday presents / pictures with my name on etc. The more I think about it, the more I'd feel quite weird if he got me a mother's day gift or card.

But that's not to say I think's a thankless task sometimes being a stepmother, and while I don't think mother's day is necessarily the best time for stepmothers to get their role recognised, I can completely understand why it ends up being the day where the constant LACK of recognition hurts the most.

SorrelForbes Sun 10-Mar-13 19:34:24

I'm a stepmum to two teenage DCs. I don't expect anything on Mothering Sunday primarily because they don't send me or DH anything to mark any other type of event (e.g. birthdays, Christmas, Father's day) for at least four years. This is for two reasons. 1. They're teenagers and have their minds on far more important things and 2) their mum wouldn't approve (nope, I wasn't the OW before anyone asks) as they are not meant to 'like' us.

Does it hurt? After working fifteen hour days to pay for activities, holidays etc and cooking and cleaning for them on a regular basis, I guess that it does a little as it would be nice to have some sort of recognition. We are all off on holiday soon and I doubt I'll get more than a grudging thank you thrown over their shoulder as we drop them home at the end of the fortnight. TBH, I try not to dwell on it all too much as it bad feelings on my part could cloud our (fairly good in all other ways) relationship.

A close friend has two DCs who are under 10 and has received a card from them for the last four years. I think there are so many reasons and variables behind receiving or not receiving a card on this type of occasion.

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