...when receiving a CRAP mother's day gift (from the husband)...(187 Posts)
We've had a tough couple of years (PND, social services, 2 miscarriages yada yada yada) so I kind of hoped this MD would be special. My DS is 2 so has no say in the card and gift giving.
The gift? "Hairy Dieters Cookbook".
I cried, and slowly pushed away the pancakes from breakfast.
DS is two, it's perfectly normal for him to push away food that you've prepared for him.
I really doubt that your DH meant any harm buying the book. He obviously thinks you must enjoy cooking if you've got "a gazillion gorgeouse cookbooks" so perhaps he thought it was a safe bet to get you another.
Just relax and enjoy the rest of the day.
At least he tried.
My DH has never once done anything for ME on mother's day, but my ds always has since he was old enough to draw a smiley face on a bit of card at nursery
Have you mentioned wanting to lose weight?
I'd love that book as I want to lose weight-& my husband knows it.
Although we usually only do cards/breakfast in bed for MD/FD anyway, so something that I wanted & would use would be a bonus.
I got a pack of costa coffee refills. We don't own the right machine to actually make the coffee though!
Runs a close second to when I got service station half dead flowers and we watched caterpillars crawling around in them and falling into the vase and drowning.
YANBU - I'm assuming he can see the shelf of untouched recipe books.
I'm sorry that you're feeling so sad. Could you explain why this gift has touched a raw nerve?
Maybe DH was trying to help you enjoy cooking again, if it was something you used to enjoy? Or have you mentioned healthy eating as part of your self-esteem issues? Or maybe he just thought it was a nice book and you might like it?
Honestly, Mothers' Day is a nothing day of little significance. The rest of the year is the important bit, the support he gave through the miscarriages you both suffered, the DS you have together, and so on.
If you're so upset then tell him. If there's something specific you want, tell him.
I don't think anyone is being horrible to you by urging you to get a bit of perspective. He tried, he got you a present.
If you think he was being horrible and trying to say you need to go on a diet, that might be worthy of a few tears.
But if he is generally NOT a passive aggressive unpleasant twat, then I think you are over reacting and maybe it would help to take a step back and see what you have to be thankful for. He can't read your mind and if he is unaware of how you would have liked to be treated, I don't think that mans he doesn't love you or doesn't care.
I for example think the whole Mother's Day concept is ridiculous - I think you should be nice to your mother every day of the year. If my mother is silently sobbing about this and her lack of crappy card, she really needs to tell me or I won't know.
OvenReady although I get your point about it not being the most appropriate present in the world, do have a look at the book.
I've been cooking from it for a couple of weeks now. I've lost a bit of weight, the recipes are really easy and have been a real hit with my fussy eaters.
.. even though I'm not into huge schmaltzy celebration days I think most of us go into Mother's Day with some expectations.
I'm feeling a bit poo too as:
DS1's class didn't finish their Mother's Day gifts so he wasn't able to bring it home (that's going to be one popular class teacher)
DS2 (22m) hadn't made anything with the nanny or his dad.
DH gave me a last minute M&S card (... with a design suitable for someone over 60) which he signed 'from the boys' but they knew nothing about. He said he'd be taking them both out this morning; this then went to taking one out. Only when I asked, and asked, has he taken them both out (with v bad grace) to give me a couple of hours R&R.
Not the chilled, happy atmosphere I was hoping for this morning Ce la vie!
I got nothing from DH (I'm not his mother), a handmade card from DS, a shop card from 18mo DD (obviously DH helped there) and a bunch of flowers.
It's all I expect, there is far too much emphasis on 'perfect' gifts and a fancy dinner and being spoiled and it's no wonder people end up disappointed. It's not like it's a birthday or Christmas or something of a similar scale. It's a Hallmark holiday.
Oh and I got nothing from DH (not his mother, its ok hes not my father in june...) but dc's presented me with a mug of coffee, glass of OJ a 2 very nicely prepared pop tarts!
My Mum never forgot the gift she got from my DF on their first wedding anniversary- a Good Housekeeping book. She threw it at him!
Some people are just not good at choosing presents. Surely it wasn't meant to be offensive.
I'm trying to lose weight and be healthy and my Mother's Day present was a jar of chocolate spread which I'm
so not gutted about!
Then I think you need to make sure your partners are aware of your expectations or it is recipe for disaster. Most people I know see Mothers Day as just another cynical attempt to part us from our cash - if you invest much more into this day then you need to let your significant others know.
Expecting a partner to read your mind and then being cross and upset when he can't is I bet a hugely significant factor in relationships going sour.
It was a bit tactless as a gift.
A card made with your ds might have been nice. It really shouldn't be about gifts.
The thing is ovenready he has clearly thought about it.
He knows you have cook books. He knows you have issues with weight. He has put these two thoughts together and come up with the book. This is how my husband thinks, I was going to say men in general but I know I will get flamed for that.
I spent years being disappointed with everything, because I could not understand how he could get things so wrong. But, you know, that was more about me and my expectations at a point when I was struggling. DH could be quite bewildered about why I was upset.
Now I know he does think about stuff, and he tries really hard, sometimes it's off the mark but I know the thought processes behind it. From the other side it must have been awful for him, trying to get it right and never seeming to please me.
What has changed? Me. I'm in a better place mentally. I see the effort, rather than the gift. It was horrible having people tiptoe around me for fear of upsetting me. Now I'm happier I can just laugh about it. Then, when it was wrong it seemed to be a symbol of how rubbish my life was. Hope that makes sense.
I sympathise with you having a hard time but to put pressure on a particular Sunday to be special because card makers decree it so is asking to be let down.
Your dh did try, he bought you a card & and (ill thought out) present & made pancakes. IMHO flowers or chocolates are sufficient for mothers day and actually a card or hand crafted gift is best. Sorry if that's a bit sanctimonious! Anyway your dc is too young to know any better so give your dh a break. Try and have a lovely relaxing day with your family and forget about the cookbook.
BearFrills it is not a 'Hallmark Holiday' in this country. It is a traditional holiday centuries old.
I'm sure you've seen the advice posted regularly on these boards about the greatest power you have is the control over your reactions rather than control over how other people behave/act.
It's true, so so so true. Unless there is some huge back story of him being a twat and passive aggressive with you then it's highly likely your sensitivity around cooking didn't enter his head when he spotted something he thought you'd like. Is it Pagwatch who's been posting about setting DH/DP's unspoken tests and then getting upset when their telepathy fails and they get it wrong?
It's horrible to be on the receiving end of someone hating a gift you'd thought they'd like. Either ask him, or put it down to a poor decision with the right sentiments behind it and try to enjoy the rest of the day.
My DP once bought me a CD of a band that I didn't recognise - I pulled a proper bratty strop till he pointed out they played the song I was constantly raving about when it came on. Felt a proper dick!
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