to be starting to dread this night out? Also advice appreciated.(31 Posts)
I'm not normally in a quandry on how to deal with people. But this one has me a bit stumped.
Basically Dp and I have made some friends over the last few months. Some are couples some not. All get on great except for this one of the women. A lovely couple in had us over to stay and other friends stayed too. Huge house. It was a great night.
We've been invited again but this time I have a feeling that the couple with the woman are going too? The woman's dp is very good friends with the couple who's house it is. So obviously the woman or lady if you prefer, is friends too.
I've never really had a great deal to do with this woman until recently when we've had a couple of nights out and she's been there. She has been there before but I've not talked to her as much due to seating. Anyway these last few times I've realised she's hard work. She gets very drunk (nothing wrong with that, I can and do) but she then starts slagging off the dp. Bringing up allsorts. Apparently she also has numerous arguments with the host dh when she goes there? Her dp is a nice bloke they're just very different people. He's laid back she is by all accounts intense? It drives her nuts.
My dilemma is I find it hard not to point out how rude someone's being. But it's fruitless if someone's drunk plus it's not my home so then I'd be rude. The hard part is that we'd be staying over so I can't just up and leave? Also the fact that we all meet up at a place regularly as a group would mean it'd be awkward if she fell out with me.
Actually when she's sober I do like her, or what I know of her. She just can't handle booze. I get all 'love the world' she gets bitter and angry.
Dp really wants to go so it'd be hard not to. Plus last time it was great so maybe it will be again?
I did think I'd just not drink much but the hosts are very generous and tend to top you up. I could feign antibiotics but can't do that every time we go?
I know I should just put up with it but it totally spoils my night when people are like this. I prefer to be with fun loving types in my old age
Has anyone else had similar happen?
I" was surrounded by racists recently when drunk (local workies club) and I suddenly blurted out 'You know who I can't stand, those bloody Catholics' Of course I don't have anything against them but it shut them up."
That's not challenging someone else's rudeness. It's sinking to their level.
Surely you've had to cope with different types of people in your life before now OP? So YANBU for expecting every woman to behaved like your idealised image of a Stepford Wife.
Personally I find these couples meet up things a bit cringeworthy. I prefer a looser grouping of friends based on mutual interests and liking, not on who is with who.
But how can you be so bothered about one night out in quite a while? Fair enough if something really bad actually happens, but what a mountain out of a molehill!
I don't understand the problem. She may have been having a bad day when you first met her. If she does get drunk and aggressive move away. It's not like you are going out with just her. Just go with the flow.
Why does the op sound like hard work, because she doesn't like aggressive drunks?
People who are dicks when they drink, shouldn't drink. If they do they have a problem.
Saying that she finds it difficult not to challenge her behaviour does not make her lairy.
It's a horribly uncomfortable situation to be in and maybe instead of bring so bloody judgey
and aggressive you could offer some helpful conflict resolution.
Lets see op, you could try laughing loudly and chiming in, over the top of her if necessary, " we'll of course his farts smell bad, you should smell mine after eating that much beef, have you seen the price of beef, it's really gone up since all this horse meat nonsense sometimes I think for that price I'd rather eat horse!" And hope some one takes your que, repeat as necessary
You must put up with a lot of things in RL Journey if you think dreading spending time with an over drinking, over sharing, embarrassing person on a night out is strange, controlling and odd.
I suppose it's normal behaviour for some.
I don't understand why it is your problem. Just go and enjoy yourself. It is a bit strange you're worrying about it.
It sounds to me as if you're making a drama out of it just for the sake of it, which in turns makes you sound a bit controlling and odd.
Drama llama. Just go and enjoy yourself, what a non-dilemma.
There really is absolutely nothing you can do, I don't think. Go and keep self restraint, if you're worried about speaking out and offending people. If she starts getting rowdy and its late just turn in and go to sleep.
You don't even know if this woman is going to be there, right? If you have only made friends with these people in the past few months, how do you know that she is always argumentative, drinks too much, is unpleasant to your host? The whole friendship group sounds a bit intense tbh after such a short period of time.
I sympathise op with this situation and have found myself in it.
I have a friend who drinks a couple of bottles of wine each social occasion and becomes very morose and dominates every social occasion with her behaviour. I like her enormously but dont enjoy the impact she has on social gatherings. At first, I thought, shes just letting her hair down. We're all entitled to that every now and then.. but then it happened every social occasion. I found it put me on edge and just felt worried that something bad would happen. In fact, when it comes to meeting up in town now, I really worry at the prospect of her getting home safely. I havent found a way to deal with it but would suggest you plug on with it as you will meet other people there with whom you get on well with and overall will have a nice time.
I expect the other woman could be an alcoholic. I really miss my 'sober' friend, she was great company.
No I get assertive when sober if someone's rude. I usually avoid aggressive drunks so don't have to be.
You get "assertive" when drunk?
That would make me run for the hills tbh...
Frankly, all I homed in on was the italicisation (is that even a word?) of the ^ woman^
Why are you even stressing about her behaviour?
It doesn't reflect on you does it?
Unless you are her Mum or something?
Oh AgentZigzag I can relate. I was surrounded by racists recently when drunk (local workies club) and I suddenly blurted out 'You know who I can't stand, those bloody Catholics' Of course I don't have anything against them but it shut them up. Got a few 'You can't say thats'. I've avoided that bar since even though it's cheap and very local.
I laugh about their faces though.
Yes I am a happy drunk too just hate people getting embarrassed. But to be honest it's up to her dp to sort it. She has got a lot worse lately according to joint friends. I've known them all almost a year but not her so much.
I never get lairy but I'd say more assertive. I'm assertive anyway if people are rude. Unless they have good reason.
Maybe she's just very unhappy and feels relaxed enough to come out with it all when drunk? I just know it makes for a bad night out for me that's all.
Thanks for the suggestions I probably will feign tiredness if it gets too much. Or just go very quiet and then they'll know something's up
I'm not hard work perhaps I sound it though? I'm not hard up for mates they're a group we've got to know through a joint 'thing'. Not wanting to out myself. And no it isn't swinging
That could read as me being the one who was ranting about Jewish people when I was younger, it was someone else I knew.
It takes a pisshead to know a pisshead wrongside
But they can come it all different shades of alarmingness, I can laugh heartily at the Happy Drunk as they try to stagger their way to the bog, but not so much at the one's who start ranting about the 'Jews taking over the world'.
Me not minding a couple of drinks to have a laugh with some friends doesn't mean anything goes, some people are fucking scary (and I include my younger self in that judgement).
I would go and try to keep my distance from her.
Maybe talk to her early on in the evening and then ensure you drift away to chat with other people rather than her.
Just make sure she doesn't seperate you from the group
As a newbie she may see you as the weakest link <speaks from bitter experience>
But it really wouldn't be your place to have a go at her slating her dh, particularly if you don't know them and they are new friends. That would get you dumped fairly quick I would think.
It just reads to me that the op is judging this woman for things she is 'guilty' of herself. I.e. drinking too much and shooting her mouth off.
Now i regularly do both of yhose things so i am in noway judging but i'm just not understandingthe angst about having to pretend she is on antibiotics etc in order to prevent mouth shootingoffness whilst at the same timedeclaring other people "pissheads".
If things get beyond you, and as you'll be staying over, plead tiredness and go to bed. The worst they can think is that you're a bit of a dullard.
'Seriously, just stay home if you can't behave then.'
can be a bit gobby don't always behave, but they let me out occasionally.
The unpredictability of the animated drunk can be a bit alarming
I don't think you sound hard work, you just want to go to an evening where you can look forward to it and enjoy being with your friends, and this woman makes you feel uncomfortable.
If it were a bloke that wouldn't make you hard work would it?
I would try to avoid her as much as possible and not engage if she started ranting.
It is embarrassing when people start oversharing their dirty laundry when you don't know them very well, especially if the person they're talking about is there with you!
Bottom line is you don't have to tell her she's being rude, it wouldn't make her think any differently and you'd end up looking as though you'd started something.
Keep it zipped and you can let it all out to your DP on the way home
So she gets a bit drunk and lairy and you're worried that you will respond by getting drunk and lairy yourself?
Seriously, just stay home if you can't behave then.
There'll be 6 or 8 of us at the dinner table so can't really keep my distance. But yes I'm probably over thinking and it'll all be great? I just have had my fill of pissheads over the years I suppose and like to avoid them as much as possible.
I don't mind loud. It's aggressiveness that's hard for me.
I'll just ask dp to keep an eye on me so that I don't make it worse. Like I said it will be rude of me if I get annoyed.
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