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To feel uncomfortable about DD being at her dad's this weekend after incident at preschool?

(61 Posts)
BriAndLottie Fri 08-Mar-13 20:55:16

Apologies if this is a bit of a mess, please bear with me, I'm still trying to make sense of it all myself but really need some advice.

Ex-bf and I met at school and were on/off for a few years. During that time we had two DCs together, one who was stillborn and a DD who is now 3. We haven't been together since before DD was born and for various reasons ex-bf hasn't really seen DD on a regular basis until recently- for about 4 months he's been having every other weekend with her, those weekends he picks her up from preschool on Friday afternoon and brings her back on Sunday afternoon.

One of my close friends works at DD's preschool, I had a phone call from her late this afternoon, she asked to come round as she was worried about me. Apparently when ex-bf came to pick DD up from preschool this afternoon, he asked to speak to her and told her he was worried about DD and me as he has reason to believe I'm taking illegal substances and fears for DD's welfare. It is true that when the two of us first got together I was taking illegal substances, it was a difficult period of my life in which I lost my way and I'm not proud of it, however, this has not been the case since I was pregnant with DD and I would never do anything to compromise her wellbeing. My friend is now in a difficult position as she is obliged to report any concerns given the history but doesn't believe there is any truth in it thankfully, she was very supportive.

Ex-bf has hinted to my mum recently that he wanted to push for more custody, ideally 50/50, but nothing has been said to me about it and I naively assumed as it hadn't been mentioned for a few weeks it wasn't serious.

DD is now going to be spending the whole weekend with this man after the episode at preschool. AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about her being there with him given what's happened or do I need to just pull myself together and treat what was said at preschool pick up as a separate incident?

lalabaloo Fri 08-Mar-13 23:25:33

You poor thing, I wouldn't respond to the text if I were you. When does your DD come home from his? Definitely seek legal advice next week

BriAndLottie Fri 08-Mar-13 23:27:32

Lalabaloo- 4pm Sunday afternoon, not that I'm counting down the minutes or anything sad I haven't responded, at this point I know I'm too worked up and I'll end up saying something I regret.

candyandyoga Fri 08-Mar-13 23:27:46

I would feel like going to get her. There's no way he'll get 50/50 custody. Get legal advice ASAP on Monday and get it out there that he is prepared to lie about you - this immature attitude from him will work against him.

Please let us know how you get on x

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Mar-13 23:28:34

Seriously, from my POV, sit back, play the game, see a solicitor on Monday. Compromise. He has DD every other w/end - extend it by a day. No big deal.

Start to think ahead. Why should DD be with you? Continuity of school, play dates, after school clubs, and so forth.

There is however the school of thought that parents are equal, and if he isn;t playing mind games and this is born out of a genuine desire for more access, and it isn't going to disadvantage the child, then it should be facilitated.

Only you know whether he is toying with you or genuinely a father who wants more time with his child.

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Mar-13 23:30:43

I wouldnt respond to the text until you have had time to think. Even then itwould be along the lines of non committal and courteous - "I'm open to discussion" - I wouldn't be even announcing I was taking legal advice.

lalabaloo Fri 08-Mar-13 23:52:27

Such a horrible situation for you to be in. Try and keep calm, if you have to reply don't commit either way, and get legal advice as soon as possible. Would 50/50 split even work practically, with distance and school etc?

yellowbrickrd Sat 09-Mar-13 00:00:32

Don't respond at all to the text, it is probably a ploy to get a text from you that he can use against you. Certainly don't say you are 'open to discussion' if you are not (i assume you are not?). The contact arrangement he currently has is pretty generous for a parent who has never lived with his child and only recently seen them regularly. I very much doubt it would be considered to be in your dd interests to have 50/50.

You need to be very calm, don't give him any ammunition at all.

Zavi Sat 09-Mar-13 00:33:46

If I were you I would get a hair strand test done now. Get your GP to do it. It will prove whether or not you have been taking any drugs, including alcohol, on a regular basis for the past 2 yrs (if your hair is long enough).

If it proves that you haven't taken any drugs it will look very good on you that you've stopped.

And looks very bad on your exbf for raising malicious and spurious "concerns" about you (you would of course call your friend as a witness to what he said to her).

It would be exceptionally unlikely for the court to go to 50:50, especially as exbf's role in her life so far has been so erratic - indeed absent.

His proposal to go for 50:50 after just 4 months of regular contact will be considered to be fanciful by any judge I'm sure. For instance, he's not really taking DD's needs into account there is he - he's just proposing what suits his own needs.

In any case, such arrangements (50:50) are not generally suitable for such small children who need lots of continuity in the early years.

Don't worry too much OP. He doesn't have a good track record with your DD and he'll just look really stupid if he goes for 50:50.

Catchingmockingbirds Sat 09-Mar-13 00:56:31

Does he know that you and the nursery teacher are friends? It seems strange that if he did know you two were friends, that he chose her to raise his concerns to.

yellowbrickrd Sat 09-Mar-13 06:31:20

Might be a good idea to move this/repost in Relationships - going to be lots of direct experience of this problem on there.

NoTimeForS Sat 09-Mar-13 07:39:42

I know a resident parent who claimed the NRP was taking drugs in court to try to stop access. The NRP's doctor wrote a report and a supporting letter to say she felt the claims were just malicious after the NRP attended weekly testing, hair strand tests, spoke to the GP etc. That was the end of that.

If you don't take Class A drugs, don't worry.

But, 'though 50-50 care might not be what is best for you or your DD, it might be better for DD in the long term to aim for one extra overnight a week with your ex.
If you suggest this, and say something about 'Lets not be petty or argue, just do what is right for DD', you might stop him from going down his stupid path of false claims by you being the (massively) better person to begin with.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Mar-13 07:54:32

Don't respond to his text at all. He is trying to wind you up and get you to respond. He is not very subtle is he? He knew your friend would tell you. Ignore, ignore, ignore him - and get legal advice!

Texting at 11:30pm is the sign of craziness not sensible parenting decisions! Keep a full record of everything, diarise everything for the solicitor.

Tell him nothing. Have a friend with you at drop off time If possible. Do not argue with him. Keepit calm til you know where you stand.

If he is lying about you to people, his is a prat, I agree seek advice on relationships board.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Sat 09-Mar-13 07:56:13

Do not offer any change until after legal advice, not an extra night or anything. He has only been around 4 months, he needs to take it steady for your daughter's sake.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 09-Mar-13 09:11:01

How much of what your friend said do you actually know to be the truth?

NoTimeForS Sat 09-Mar-13 10:08:58

Yes that's true that an overnight right away would be much too soon. 4 months isn't any time at all.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 10:24:02

The poster up thread is correct by saying that concerns should be raised with parents unless doing so places the child at risk same as not doing ss referrals as a agency in secret unless secrecy is needed.

I wouldn't respond to the text just take legal advice and medical advice ASAP. I'm hoping nothing would show on a drug test other that prescribed (to you) medication? If so then you have no worries.

And I know 50/50 comes across as the holy grail sometimes on here and it can appear that is what courts routinely order ect but its not. Its rarely ordered when both parents aren't on board with it and according to gingerbread ( lone parent charity) every other weekend with a additional week day evening for children who want it is more the norm.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 10:29:31

Oh and you were a minor when you were using drugs and havent used as a adult that does make a difference, he however has used as an adult when he had children.

flippinada Sat 09-Mar-13 12:17:39

I do sympathise, this must be very upsetting for you. You've already been given good advice above - definitely don't respond to his text.

It's entirely possible he will mention it when he drops your DD off or you collect her in an attempt to provoke. If he does, don't react, just day yes you have received it but you need time to think, or you don't want to comment...anything neutral really.
I had similar from my XP who tried to get residence on the grounds that I was mentally unstable (because I had suffered with anxiety and PND) and had a chaotic lifestyle - non of which was true and which was seen through by the courts.

BriAndLottie Sat 09-Mar-13 18:26:25

There have been no concerns about my ability to look after DD in the past, no, although it was thought that my substance abuse may have contributed towards our first child being stillborn, there were other factors though.

A 50/50 split would most likely involve his mother looking after DD while he's at work, which I would NOT be comfortable with. He lives within walking distance though so wouldn't affect school etc.

Zavi- brilliant suggestion, thank you, I'm going to book an appointment on Monday.

He definitely knows the nursery teacher and I are friends, the three of us were at school together before ex-bf and I went off the rails.

I desperately want to go and get DD but can't come up with a reasonable excuse, going to have to leave her I think sad

flippinada Sat 09-Mar-13 19:10:37

Unless you think your DD is genuinely in any sort of danger or he may not bring her back then don't go and pick her up early.

I expect he is trying to upset you. It's a really nasty, cruel trick to try and use your past against you like this, especially as he behaved in similar way himself. And if he's so concerned about your unsuitability as a mother, where has he been for the last couple of years? hmm

As I said, should it come to it, courts will see through behaviour like this.

I would keep a diary and a note of his behaviour from now on, just in case you need it. Try not to react to any provocation.

WilsonFrickett Sat 09-Mar-13 19:30:35

If he though you were really taking drugs, the normal response would be to push for full residency. He's dicking you around - the courts will know that too. Please try not to worry, keep it together, say nothing, and quietly follow all all the advice you've been given here. And no need to talk to your friend about it either.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 19:44:48

Wilson's right.

If I thought my ex was taking drugs I would not hand the child over to him court order or not until I had brought that info before the court, should I see my ex on drugs whilst dc was in their care dc would be picked up and removed with no doubt remaining as to why.

WilsonFrickett Sat 09-Mar-13 20:45:25

Yy Sock. But the courts are not stupid. If it even gets that far. He could well be doing it for shits and giggles, which is why the op needs to keep her cards to her chest, IMO.

IneedAsockamnesty Sat 09-Mar-13 20:48:27

I quite agree, slowly slowly catchy monkey.

But a drug test from the gp would help should she need to prove anything

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Sat 09-Mar-13 21:09:13

Just another poster who feels the same smile

- don't reply to the text
- don't offer him anymore time with her
- see a solictor on monday
- see your GP on monday
- don't let him know about any of it
- if he says anything when he brings her back tomorrow, just say, we can discuss it later, not now.

If he was a half way decent Dad he would have asked if you wanted him to bring her back tonight or first thing tomorrow so she could spend Mother's Day with you and he'd bring her back with a card and a present - not be sending you stupid texts about 50/50 custody. Git.

In the meantime, try not to worry. He's just being a wanker like many before him - the courts have seen it all. He wont get 50/50.

Small niggle - is there any chance that this friend is seeing your ex and between them they are trying to stir up trouble for you?

If you want something to focus on until tomorrow afternoon - go and buy a diary & a journal. In the diary make notes about what happened today - including his text and note the times he's had contact, anything he's done that wasn't as it should have been (not turned up, brought her back late etc) and in the journal write down what happened from when you found out you were pregnant. It may come in useful and it's very good for you.

You were a kid when you did the drugs - don't let the worry of that rule your life now. You have done really well to stay off of them and bring up your DD yourself - you should be really proud, don't let this asswipe bring you down.

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