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to want affection in my marriage?

(29 Posts)
amievil Fri 08-Mar-13 14:46:59

First an apology, man here (boo hiss), but I wanted a woman's point of view.

My wife and I have been married for quite a few years now and things have usually been very good between us. She's always been the centre of my world. I'm not the kind of man to make plans with mates etc. without checking that she doesn't mind. Infact I don't tend to do anything without running it past her first.

A few years ago we had DC1 after many years of "on again, off again" trying. The birth was rather traumatic and the first year was a nightmare. It tested us as people but our marriage stayed strong.

Well a couple of months ago my wife gave birth to DC2. This was a more straightforward pregnancy, by no means by the book perfect, and a far less traumatic birth. The first few weeks were brilliant, we seemed to be more in love and happier than we ever had been. In recent weeks though it is like someone has flicked a switch and turned our marriage to a steaming brown nappy filling.

If we cuddle, I have to instigate it. If we kiss, it's because I instigate. If she tells me she loves me, it's only a reply to me saying it first. I stopped trying to have a conversation outside of the usual inane "How are you? How have the kids been today?" As these are generally responded to with as few words as possible.

It's got to the point where last night I found myself wondering if the only reason she keeps me around is because my wages pay the mortgage, all of the household bills..... well you get the idea.

Now I'm not wanting to be permanently attached at the groin but I would really like it if once in a while she just came up to when I'm doing something and give me a hug or a kiss, the way that I do to her. When she went out this afternoon she didn't even say bye, let alone "Love you".

Am I being unreasonable or paranoid. Someone tell me that it's all going to be fine as I love both of my children very much and don't want to be reduced to weekend visits and child support payments.


TroublesomeEx Fri 08-Mar-13 23:09:36


I think that in these situations, women know that their partner wants sex and it becomes a bit of an elephant in the room. We can quite often shy away from showing affection because of the worry of being seen as leading the man on if we don't intend for the affection to result in sex.

My advice would be to take some of the load off her for an evening or two. Give her chance to have a glass of wine in the bath or something like that. Show her some affection through consideration, rather than the physical, and then talk to her about it.

My husband and I split up last year. The most tragic thing about it is that there isn't a single thing he has cited as a reason for us getting to the point we did that couldn't have been resolved if he had opened up and spoken to me about how he was feeling rather than just becoming silently more resentful of me because I couldn't read his mind sad

Don't let that happen to you. I'm sure she wants affection as much as you do, she just doesn't want to feel like she'll be seen as instigating sex, because at this stage she probably won't be.

Good luck.

Jonno94 Fri 15-Mar-13 17:17:51

No mate it ain't you!!

Haa you wait til you have four kids. You'll be lucky to have a peck on the cheek

KatyTheCleaningLady Fri 15-Mar-13 17:26:42

Am I the only one who thinks the op sounds like a really wonderful guy?

I love that you're asking for help and advice, op. I can tell you're listening. Good luck to you and your family.

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 15-Mar-13 19:03:43

Oh yes she'll be feeling all wrung out of energy. Good you are concerned about this and listening to advice.
My last birth was a relatively easy one compared to the one before. I had breast fed all my children to various stages but this time something was different.
DS4 was an easy baby, really happy and pleasant, but I couldn't cope with his demands for breast feeding on top of everything else. As I fed him the feelings of pure rage built up, not at him but as a representation of how sucked dry of energy I was by everyone around me.

I hadn't run out of love but I had run out of energy to express that love. I stopped breast feeding and that alone left me with enough slack to deal with it all. It still took till he was turned 1 for me to completely feel 100% though.

This isn't about breast feeding though your wife may or may not be doing this but even if she isn't she may be just out of energy to deal with the whole lot and may feel a bit of a non entity having lost herself in the demands of a new baby within an existing family. It can take a while to find a balance once again.

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