Do you tell your child to hit back?

(152 Posts)
Snowwhite22 Thu 07-Mar-13 21:14:51

The same boy in my ds year 1 class has scratched my sons face twice this week. I will speak to his teacher in the morning.
When I asked him what happened my ds said he hit the boy back today and ds got told off by the teacher. I said don't hit back, always tell the teacher or you will end up in trouble but my Dh said he must hit back or he will be bullied.
Who is right?
What do you tell your dc? Hit back or tell adult?

IneedAgoldenNickname Thu 07-Mar-13 21:16:15

Me and my ex used to have the exact same argument!I say tell a grown up

HollyBerryBush Thu 07-Mar-13 21:17:59

Dont hit first, if comes to it hit last and hit hardest.

It worked for my kids.

I'll take an hours detention any time over a school life time of misery.

MajaBiene Thu 07-Mar-13 21:19:08

I will tell DS that he can physically push a child away from him if he is being attacked, it is unreasonable to expect a child to accept being hurt.

At the moment DS is only 2.5 so I encourage him to put both hands out in front of him and shout STOP/DON'T HURT ME to get adult attention. I imagine the hands out stance evolving into pushing away in future if necessary to defend himself.

InNeedOfBrandy Thu 07-Mar-13 21:23:03

Yes I did.

DS was constantly being punched in his face by the same child, at first I said tell a teacher, shout as loud as you can go away blabla all what you should say. Didn't work so I told him (yr1 to) punch him back as hard as you can which he did and he's never been troubled by the boy since smile

monkeyfacegrace Thu 07-Mar-13 21:25:14

Im a punch back HARD parent.

Little shits shouldnt start it, should they.

My kids are taught how to finish it sufficiently.

HTH.

SkinnybitchWannabe Thu 07-Mar-13 21:25:23

Ive always told my dc to hit if someone hits them.
My middle son was bullied until he hit back.

IllGetOverIt Thu 07-Mar-13 21:26:57

We have a rule of no kicking-at all. Regardless of the situation.

Ds is not allowed to purposefully hurt someone. If someone hurts him on purpose in a nasty way we have said to either go and tell an adult straight away or hit back.

Rightly or wrongly I don't know.

I will not have any dc of mine scared of being told off to retaliating to violence. We have explained that violence is wrong. But if some bugger is bullying or throwing their weight around I will stand by my ds in his actions.

I would obviously prefer that everyone's feet stay on the floor and fists in their pockets. And encourage telling an adult rather than retaliation.

But I'm a realist and its hard at times being a dc. I'd want to know if my dc were bullying or being intimidating.

Naysa Thu 07-Mar-13 21:38:12

I was picked on in primary by a boy.

Eveyday I would tell the teacher - as my mum instructed me.

She was having meetings with my teacher and nothing was getting done.

After about a month of him following me round, pulling me hair, pinching and kicking me, my mum snapped. She told me that if he raised his hand I was to hit him as hard as I could.

So next time he came near me, I clobbered him. I lost my golden time that Friday but he never came near me again. grin

I think it should be a last resort. Some kids just can't be reasoned with.

montmartre Thu 07-Mar-13 21:42:58

NO!

Move away, tell a grown-up.

There is never any excuse to hit back! shock

LivingInAPinkBauble Thu 07-Mar-13 21:51:53

Please don't teach children to hit back etc. Having big issues with child in my class at the moment-mum has taught him to hit back and hit or insult on behalf of others. Really not helpful. Mind you, mum has also told me in front of him that other children are nasty bullies and if he is given a consequence as result of his actions he will not have to do it because she will intervene. Think she has taken it a step further.

BearFrills Thu 07-Mar-13 21:52:36

monkeyfacegrace, niiiiiiice. Do you refer to them as little shits to their faces? hmm

At the ages being discussed (so basically year one and younger) they're still learning the rules so you're always going to get kids who hit or scratch or whatever. Not nice at all when your DC is the one being hit but it happens - I remember how upset I was when DS came home from preschool with bites twice in the space of a week.

He's 3yo now and we've told him to tell a grown up if someone hurts him, straight away, shout if you have to. We've told him to hit back as a last resort, e.g. to protect himself.

He never hits first but I have seen him hit back on one occasion where my nephew kept hitting him and hitting him, everytime nephew hit he was told off and moved away and everytime he was allowed back down he hit DS again. On about the fifth hit DS gave him a hard shove, nephew fell down. I told DS that what he did wasn't very kind but that I understood why he did it.

HollyBerryBush Thu 07-Mar-13 21:54:02

There is never any excuse to hit back!

Really? so hypothetically, you're getting a good kicking and you can't defend your self?

parabelle Thu 07-Mar-13 21:54:36

I don't, I tell them to tell a teacher. DH tells them to hit back and teaches them how to do it best. It's up to them to choose what they do.

WorraLiberty Thu 07-Mar-13 21:56:36

At Infant age I told them to tell a teacher and in order to get the bully off them, it was fine to give him/her a good hard push and put them on their arse (that's self defence).

As they got older (Junior/Senior schools) I told them it's fine to hit back.

The only thing they have to remember is, as soon as you hit back you are in a fight...so they need to weight the situation up if possible.

GirlOutNumbered Thu 07-Mar-13 21:56:40

I tell mine that if someone takes something from him, he should ask for it back. If they don't he tells a grown up.

I also tell him, if someone hits him he is to hit them back, harder.

No one is pushing my boys around! Bullies seek out the ones that don't give it back.

BearFrills Thu 07-Mar-13 21:57:29

There's a world of difference between a good kicking and a hit though, or at least as I understand it. To me a hit is a single shove, smack, pinch, etc from a child of similar age/size whereas a good kicking is a prolonged attack of blow after blow after blow. There's also a difference between self-defence and retaliation.

OutragedFromLeeds Thu 07-Mar-13 21:57:46

I tell them not to hit back, to go and tell a teacher/grown up.

When they're older (the oldest is 8) or if they had a problem with being bullied, I might change that advice to hit back, but I'd keep for when really needed. It should be a last resort.

Svrider Thu 07-Mar-13 21:59:21

Have you seen a playground recently?
Your dc HAVE to be able to stand up for themselves

TattyDevine Thu 07-Mar-13 21:59:42

I think the a valuable thing you can learn at year 1 is to walk away and play with someone else - different when older, different if someone is seeking you out of course but if you have a frenemy or nemesis at this age, it can make a huge difference. I say this as someone who works in a school.

Despite that I would not rule out schooling my children through different strategies throughout different ages depending on the issues...

Lastofthepodpeople Thu 07-Mar-13 21:59:58

Absolutely not. If there is a problem with continuous bullying then that needs to be dealt with and/or escalated if a teacher isn't dealing with it. I don't think telling children its okay to hit sometimes is a good idea.

Nagoo Thu 07-Mar-13 22:00:45

My eldest is only 5. I teach him to be a grass grin

When he's older I think I would support him if he hit someone back if they repeatedly hit him.

BearFrills Thu 07-Mar-13 22:01:07

Hitting back at a bully doesn't always deter them though, from experience it sometimes results in an escalation of physical bullying as the bully retaliates, hitting back harder the next time and a power struggle ensues making the situation worse.

At what point do you draw the line with 'hit them back harder'?

BearFrills Thu 07-Mar-13 22:02:34

Agree with those saying different strategies for different ages and at the young age being discussed in the OP it should be tell a teacher.

WorraLiberty Thu 07-Mar-13 22:05:44

And it's worth remembering when you're telling your child to 'hit back harder', not every child is a fighter...why would they be?

So I hope they're also being told you totally understand that they felt they couldn't hit back.

Some kids feel ashamed of that fact...like they've let their parents down.

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