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to expect that my husband would prioritise his wife and children over his mother

(205 Posts)
angelicstar Thu 07-Mar-13 16:01:00

Maybe I am - would be interested in opinion.

DH's mother is in hospital and they live about 2 hours away from us on the south coast. Although she has been quite ill she is recovering and will be out in about a week so it's not a life and death situation. DH drove down to see her on Monday and she has FIL and also DH's sister who lives near by so she is not languishing on her own.

Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature. I also have a DD who is 4 and it's been hard work with them both today and poor DD2 had to be dragged out in the rain for school pick up.

DH was meant to see his mother tonight and stay over at his dad's but I have asked that he come home instead as I know DD will be up in the night and also if he is home tomorrow morning she won't have to drag out on the school run.

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. Now surely it is not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and his poorly child. Just come off the phone to him in tears. Surely I should not have to beg my husband to help me with the kids? He left it saying he would see what he could sort out as if he was doing me some kind of favour.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Mar-13 16:55:58

Op, I thought you were unreasonable in the first place but saying its ok because she has fil and sil there makes you even more so imo.

What about how your dh feels?

Just because they live closer how is it fair that it all falls to them?

I live closest to my grandparents and would be seriously fucked off if my bil had the same attitude as you.

LillianGish Thu 07-Mar-13 16:57:16

I don't know what is wrong with your MIL, but we had similar with mine in the summer. She was in hospital for four weeks, they kept saying she would soon be ready to go home - she never did. So glad my DH spent as much time as he could with her and it certainly helped him when trying to come to terms with her death. As other posters have said - they don't keep you in hospital for trivial reasons. Your DH shouldn't have to choose between you and his mum and you shouldn't force him to do so. He is doing the right thing - I hope your dcs won't abandon you when they get their own families. Your dcs are little - it won't kill them to have a day off school if you can't manage the school run. YABU.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 16:58:45


She's in hospital, so her care is sorted.

All her can do is visit her. Which he has done.

You and your children are sick and need help.

So he should help.

Then he can go and be of practical support to his mother when she gets out if hospital.

Bet he leaves the hard work to his sister, though.

If my DH had made me choose and I hadn't been there for my mum at the end....well, I would never have forgiven him. Not that he would have ever made a song and dance about it anyway!

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:59:09

You don't need this conversation with AIBU, OP because you really think you are not being unreasonable. You need to have it with your DH tomorrow.

MrsMushroom Thu 07-Mar-13 16:59:33

So is there nobody to ask to do the school run?

lurkedtoolong Thu 07-Mar-13 16:59:58

Oh God, I was torn when I thought that he had been down there since Monday. I've just re-read it and realise that he went down on Monday and now wants to go back down tonight.

It's not just about who can go into see your MIL it's about DH seeing his mum when she isn't well. If my husband whined that he didn't want me to go and see my mum when she was ill because there were other people there I'd be very upset.

You've already said that DH wouldn't be taking time off work to take your DD to school so there's no difference there. If you and your DDs are still feeling grotty in the morning have a duvet day and relax.

YABVU and pretty bloody selfish.

Bet he leaves the hard work to his sister, though

That's quite an assumption to make without actually knowing the guy isn't it. hmm

Fakebook Thu 07-Mar-13 17:01:01

It is just upsetting that he doesn't seem to care about poor DD - and she was really looking forward to seeing him tonight and asking about him.

Honestly, you're still being unreasonable and bit ott. Children sense their parents anxiousness. Calm down a bit and tell her that her grandmother is ill and DH is with her.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:02:01

I still don't know why you can't just ring up one of the other school mums and ask her for a one-off favour tomorrow if DD1 needs to get to school.
You are a SAHM, there will be lots of opportunities to return the favour.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 17:02:17

My Granny has been in hospital for weeks.

It's not for trivial reasons, but she's on the mend, the worry has passed and dealing with visits has become routine rather than "all hands on deck".

The world doesn't come to a standstill just because someone who is nearly better hasn't been released yet.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 17:02:24

That comment about the daughter is more than OTT, it's emotional blackmail.

Are you very insecure OP?

I only just realised as well that the poor bloke hasn't in fact been away since Monday. Sheesh.

CloudsAndTrees Thu 07-Mar-13 17:02:28


Your child had a regular child hood virus. Your mil is ill enough to be in hospital!

You are being ridiculous. I know it's not nice when your toddler is ill, but it's not as bad as being in hospital. It's not that hard to cope with, and I'd you really can't bear to take your toddler out, then keep your four year old at home!

drjohnsonscat Thu 07-Mar-13 17:03:28

Yes of course his children should be his priority but they don't need him right now because they've got you manning the fort. You've been a bit unwell, DD is unwell, other DD is fine but a handful. That describes normal life. You should be able to cope with this. And being up at night with a poorly child is part of the job description - how would it help if he was there being up as well?

Disclaimer - single parent with two children who are constantly sick (and not just with coughs and colds either) so it's not as if I don't know what it's like but I don't see this as a big deal. As others have said, he's also showing his children how to be a good son, remain connected with extended family, support his DSIS and FIL. Fakebook sums up the flip side of that.

nailak Thu 07-Mar-13 17:03:56

who said parents are not our responsibility?

I would totally disagree with that, I would say parents are the responsibility of their children when they get older and sicker.

And they are as much of your responsibility as your kids.

FIL and SIL are with MIL and you are with your kids, no one is alone.

A virus is not comparable to a hospital stay.

You say DH is ignoring your feelings, you are ignoring his feelings. You both seem to have different outlooks on family.

Those who are saying care is sorted, really do you think the care of strangers is the same as visits from your own son? can one of your children replace the other? do you see them as generically your children? or are they actually different people? If this is the case I dont think it is relevant if SIL is there or not.

MerylStrop Thu 07-Mar-13 17:04:00

Has your DD been to docs OP?
Is there any genuine cause for concern or is she just a bit grotty?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Thu 07-Mar-13 17:04:05


BerthaTheBogCleaner Thu 07-Mar-13 17:04:58

Ah ok. I read the OP that he went down on Monday and Angelic has just called him to come home today instead of tomorrow (which is what it says!).

You mean he went on Monday, came back Monday, he's been at work all week and home at nights, and today he was supposed to make another trip to see her and you've asked him to drive home afterwards rather than sleeping over at his dads?

That's a bit different. It is bloody hard with sick small kids and I know it can feel like forever, but I think maybe you should focus on keeping it together till the weekend. Then the children are all his all weekend ...

And once this is over, have a chat with him about what he'd expect to do for you if the situation was reversed.

AThingInYourLife Thu 07-Mar-13 17:06:01

I also thought he'd been there all week and been visiting several times a day.

No, he shouldn't miss out on visiting his mother for the sake of the school run tomorrow.

ilovecolinfirth Thu 07-Mar-13 17:06:51

I spent over 3 weeks in hospital when I was pregnant and it was one of the loneliest times ever. I looked forward to seeing visitors. I have no family living close enough to visit, my husband couldn't take time off work so I only saw him in the evenings. Visiting often helps the process of recovery.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 17:07:02

OP is probably under the duvet by now, with her hands over her ears, singing 'Lalala Not Listening' grin

AnyFucker Thu 07-Mar-13 17:07:23

OP,, unless there is something you are omitting to tell us, you sound like a passive aggressive nightmare

Jinsei Thu 07-Mar-13 17:08:15

As the sibling who lives near my parents, I do much more for them than DSis who lives far away, and that's fine by me - just the way it is. But I would be furious if BIL said that DSis didn't need to bother about our parents as I'm around to do everything, and I think DSis would be pretty cross too!

babanouche Thu 07-Mar-13 17:08:47

OP I get that it's hard coping on your own with 2 kids when you're not feeling well, but we all have to do that from time to time.

I think your DH is entitled to be with his family at this time. Apart from being there for his mum, his presence in the house at night is a support for his dad.

Thank goodness his mum's only in for a week. I'd hunker down and get on with it. Maybe give yourself and the kids a treat to make it go a bit easier.

babanouche Thu 07-Mar-13 17:09:20

lol @ Nebulous

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