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to expect that my husband would prioritise his wife and children over his mother

(205 Posts)
angelicstar Thu 07-Mar-13 16:01:00

Maybe I am - would be interested in opinion.

DH's mother is in hospital and they live about 2 hours away from us on the south coast. Although she has been quite ill she is recovering and will be out in about a week so it's not a life and death situation. DH drove down to see her on Monday and she has FIL and also DH's sister who lives near by so she is not languishing on her own.

Meanwhile I have been poorly and DD who is 2 has quite a bad viral infection with rash and high temperature. I also have a DD who is 4 and it's been hard work with them both today and poor DD2 had to be dragged out in the rain for school pick up.

DH was meant to see his mother tonight and stay over at his dad's but I have asked that he come home instead as I know DD will be up in the night and also if he is home tomorrow morning she won't have to drag out on the school run.

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. Now surely it is not unreasonable to expect him to prioritise me and his poorly child. Just come off the phone to him in tears. Surely I should not have to beg my husband to help me with the kids? He left it saying he would see what he could sort out as if he was doing me some kind of favour.

MrsMushroom Thu 07-Mar-13 16:04:10

Hmm difficult. On one hand, it's something that is very important to I see where your DH is coming from and also, if he was working tomorrow you would have to cope in the morning anyway...are there no parents who would take DD in for you in the morning?

On the other hand I know how horrid it is with a poorly toddler....can you drive to school or get a taxi?

lurkedtoolong Thu 07-Mar-13 16:04:14

I think if my MIL was quite ill I'd probably expect my DH to want to spend time with his mum. It's tough though as you are struggling - is there no-one nearby who can help you?

molly199 Thu 07-Mar-13 16:05:24

Im kind of half and half about this..How often does he see his Mum?

I understand how difficult it is for you..But if it was me I would not want to look back and think I wasn't there for my Mum when she died later on.

If you aren't that well perhaps keep DD2 of school tomorrow for one day of rest so you's all don't have to go out.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Mar-13 16:06:41

It really depends on how poorly mil is vs how poorly you and your dc are imho.

As mil is in hospital and has another week of hospital to go I would say she sounds quite unwell.

NotTreadingGrapes Thu 07-Mar-13 16:07:46

You and the children aren't hospitalised though, are you?

I can't be objective on this mum was really ill and I kept nipping up to see her for a few days at a time. I was so worried about her (but she was dying so not recovering) that had DH asked me not to go because he felt ill, I still would have gone.

If she has been really ill, regardless of whether she is in recovery now, then I totally see your DH's side and understand why he is going.

Honestly, I appreciate you feel rough but it is really awful having a parent really ill.......and just think, your DH is a perfect role model for your DC, they know when they are older to prioritise their mum, not their partners smile (Joke, but you know what I mean)

HeathRobinson Thu 07-Mar-13 16:09:38

YANBU. I would expect support from dh in your situation.

For better, for worse.

KellyElly Thu 07-Mar-13 16:10:45

Just called him and he said he won't come home and his mother is his priority and he has to "split his time fairly" between us. That comment would piss me off. You and his child (even more so) are now his priority, not his mother. However, taking that comment aside, if his mother is ill enough to be in hospital and you and your DD have just been ill with colds/flu (e.g. non serious illnesses) etc, then I do think YABU.

nemno Thu 07-Mar-13 16:12:48

I'm sorry you are struggling but I do think your husband is right to give his mother this attention. I am in the position of your SIL and I am always so relieved when my brother visits if my folks are struggling. It gives my parents such a boost and gives me both someone to talk to who shares my relationship to them and lets me relax a bit that someone else is there to share the load.

I hope you feel better soon and can get support from someone else for a short while.

mmmuffins Thu 07-Mar-13 16:14:44

I personally think YANBU.

You are ill, DD is ill, and you are struggling to deal with it all this week. An ill child is his responsibility to care for as well.

As MIL is cared for, and is recovering, I do not think it is unreasonable for your DH to push back his visit a couple days, when you and/or DD are doing better.

I definitely understand how you would feel hurt if you specifically asked him for help and he refused.

CocacolaMum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:15:05

YANU unreasonable unless you have other people you can call to save you having to drag dd out on school run. His child IS his priority - not on a list. Never mind you who I am sure would cope just fine if she wasnt poorly.

DontmindifIdo Thu 07-Mar-13 16:17:19

Your DCs are his responsibility, his mother is not. However, I can see why he might feel he has to be there to help look after his father as well as his mother.

However, have you pointed out to him there's a very good chance he's caught what DD2 has? It might be worth asking him to call the hospital, tell them what DD2 has, that he's been living in the house with her, ask if there's a chance he's carrying it, they might suggest he stays clear of the hosptial where there's vunerable older people... I'd assume he's infectious. How would he feel if his mum or someone else in the hospital caught it and had bad complications?

digerd Thu 07-Mar-13 16:17:37

His dad and sis are there.

My DB went to a hospital to pick up mum who was suffering horrendous whip lash injuries and dad < he was fine> after dad passed out driving on the motorway and crashed. He drove from Bristol to Bedford, helped dad get mum out and in the house, but then drove home. He didn't even have very young children. And they asked DB to thank SIL for letting him leave her all that time to help them.

Do not understand your DH and he is wrong with his priorities. If he had said his dad needed his help to carry the mum indoors and get her upstairs fine, but there is a SonIL nearby. You need him back tonight, due to sick child and a 4 year-old to look after.

He is being unreasonably inconsiderate of you and his DC to say his parents come before you.

ENormaSnob Thu 07-Mar-13 16:17:47

Thinking more about this I think yabu.

Very much so.

One child with a viral infection, there's no way I would've even asked dh to come home if my mil was in hospital.

Maternitygold Thu 07-Mar-13 16:17:54

He is very fair... Mother is a family too? Wouldn't you want your daughters to care for you in old age and give you equal importance. Please don't be unfair on the poor bloke ... Your mil is your mum as well

For better, for worse

Really?? So, once we get married and have our own kids we just shove our parents aside....their job is done, get on with it??

That is so sad!! I really hope my DS doesn't get married and then bin me off!

WestieMamma Thu 07-Mar-13 16:21:39

I'm sorry but I think YABU too. I know you're feeling rough and need some support but she's his mum and she's is poorly enough to be in hospital. I feel that your OP plays down how poorly she is, but we all know that hospitals don't keep you in for such a long time unless you are really poorly.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 07-Mar-13 16:21:42

Do you not have a friend who could sit with DD2 whilst you do the collection from school?
Or a friend who could drop off and collect DD1?
I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill, can you truly not manage for a couple of days?

MerylStrop Thu 07-Mar-13 16:25:27

I think he is wrong to say that he needs to "split his time fairly". Because it is not about fairness it is about who is most ill, and who needs him most.

Which in this case is probably his mum. And also his dad, and his sister, who presumably could do with a break and a bit of support, practical or moral.

Your DH's tone would have pissed me off, but YABU

HeathRobinson Thu 07-Mar-13 16:28:19

Mil has fil, sil and bil around and is getting better.

Op is ill and has an ill child and another child to look after.

And he makes a comment like 'split his time fairly'. shock

AnyFucker Thu 07-Mar-13 16:28:53

Yabu, and selfish

Stay home tomorrow and have a duvet day if you can't face the school run

They do not keep people in hospital for trivial reasons, believe me

Man up, lady

snuffaluffagus Thu 07-Mar-13 16:29:54

I think YABU I'm afraid, his mum is in hospital. I would find that dreadfully worrying in his position.

Footface Thu 07-Mar-13 16:30:20

Yabu sorry, it's awful looking dc's when poorly, but she's in hospital. What has your doctor said?

KellyElly Thu 07-Mar-13 16:31:13

Wouldn't you want your daughters to care for you in old age and give you equal importance. I would never expect my daughter to give me equal importance over her own child. Your child is your priority, end of!

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