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AIBU wrt to my DC missing out because of his allergies?

(127 Posts)
WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Thu 07-Mar-13 13:03:03

I have a toddler with many many allergies. Mostly quite serious.

We attend a brilliant music group which he loves, the woman who runs it is absolutely brilliant. Its one of the few toddler things-to-do that I actually quite enjoy and not cringe my way through.

Since starting last summer, my son has changed from a very shy, frightened child who'd cry if another child or stranger tried to engage with him - to a happy, confident, outgoing toddler. Ive no doubt regularly going to this class has helped (theres a lot we cant go to because they have children walking round with food).

2-3 times a term, the lady uses feathers in the class for 3-4 minutes. If my DC goes anywhere near feathers he breaks out in hives, let alone handles them.

We used to leave the room during this time. But now he gets upset, he doesnt understand why Im dragging him away from all the noise and fun.

So Ive asked her to let me know the week before she uses feathers and we'll not come that week. She agreed and said she email me.

Except I was secretly hoping she'd say she'd just not use them. Theres so few groups we can go to, now 2-3 times a term we cant attend this one.

I dont want to drag my son out the class, its making him feel excluded. I hate that. I hate that fucking, bastard, bastard allergies means my lovely son see's and feels excluded from things.

AIBU to wanted, slightly expected, her to just say she'd not use them?

I really need to know if AIBU because this is just the start of situations like this, I know. sad

pinguwings Thu 07-Mar-13 13:41:13

Seeker has the answer!


WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Thu 07-Mar-13 13:42:09

Im not putting anyone on the spot like that. There will be mums there, no doubt that will agree with Betty and wonder why their child had to miss out in feathers just for my one child. Im not willing to make a lovely enjoyable class awkward.

If the class organiser just stopped using them, no one would notice. She has so many props that the children love.

If it was going to stop, it needs to be the organisers decision, not my demand IMO.

Dannilion Thu 07-Mar-13 13:43:46

Well no, you can't control your DC's allergies. Which is what I meant.

These sort of situations are going to come up again and again. It's going to be heartbreaking for you I'm sure. However I still stand by my opinion that YABU to expect people to accommodate your child's allergies. Of course, the world would be such a better place if we all bent over backwards to help one another. But we don't, and it is a waste of time and emotions to get upset about every injustice we face.

Take it in your stride, your DC will benefit from you having a PMA and it won't be long until they understand why they can't do certain things.

seeker Thu 07-Mar-13 13:44:38

You wouldn't be putting them on the spot. You would be asking a group of reasonable people a reasonable thing. Which nobody could possibly mind. And anyone who was weird enough to mind would be drowned out by the reasonable voices of everyone else.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Thu 07-Mar-13 13:48:37

Look above Seeker its because of replies such as Danillon that I absolutely would not ask a class to do that.

Dannilon out of interest, do you also think schools should allow tree nuts and peanuts in their pack lunches, school dinners and snacks?

DeWe Thu 07-Mar-13 13:49:57

I think you should have asked not to use them rather than saying "tell me". If someone said that to me, I'd assume that they were happy for that. If they'd just told me that their child was allergic, then I'd probably offer not to have them.

I think asking everyone at the start of the lesson is probably a way to get bad feeling, because people will be put on the spot.

Could you ask her if they could be done at the beginning, and you arrive 5 minutes late?

KatieMiddleton Thu 07-Mar-13 13:51:12

Yabu to expect her to read your mind. You want her not to use the feathers. So ask her not to use the feathers!

YANBU to expect her not to use them for all the reasons you have outlined.

ImAlpharius Thu 07-Mar-13 13:51:46

YANBU, to all those that say you are, no life isn't fair but a tiny change to group meaning that all can have a lovely time where is the harm, why not?

I don't see the problem for changing things slightly so all the children can enjoy it.

I there was an short element of strobe lighting in the odd session and a child had an adverse reaction would the parent be unreasonable to ask that not be included?

valiumredhead Thu 07-Mar-13 13:52:34

As it's only 2 -3 mins I would expect her to use something else or adapt the session so he could be included. It's not like you are asking her to change the whole session and your son is seriously allergic.

KatieMiddleton Thu 07-Mar-13 13:55:51

Anyone who would prioritise their precious child playing with feathers for a few minutes over another child's suffering due to allergy is, to be frank, a twit of the highest order.

No child needs to play with feathers. They are not a significant or integral part of each session so they will not be missed.

fallon8 Thu 07-Mar-13 13:57:45

Then all the other mums stand up. "Hallo my name is xxxxxx and we are allergic to xxxxx". End of group as every knife is "allergic" to something...presumably he is allergic to every known feather do you manage to walk along the street ?

OutragedFromLeeds Thu 07-Mar-13 13:59:38

YABU to expect her to read your mind, yes.

Ask her not to use the feathers and then you can post an 'AIBU she wouldn't stop using the feathers?' or 'lovely lady at singing has stopped using feathers'.

I would carry on going on the 'feather weeks' and continue to take DS out. Make the going out bit fun, maybe give him a snack or a ball or blow some bubbles or something. If he has a lot of bad allergies it's something he needs to get used to, the younger the better I think.

HumphreyCobbler Thu 07-Mar-13 13:59:59

I think you should ask her not to use the feathers. I don't think anyone sane would mind going without feathers so your son doesn't have to leave the room. If I was running a toddler group I would try to arrange things so it was safe for your son to attend. Sorry so many things seem to be barred to you.

Floggingmolly Thu 07-Mar-13 14:00:53

I'd go with Seekers advice too. I doubt there actually would be any parents wondering why their child had to miss out on feather time because of your child.
It'd certainly be a non issue for me.

erowid Thu 07-Mar-13 14:01:29

I think bedhopper's suggestion of bringing in artificial feathers for everyone to play with is a good one.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Thu 07-Mar-13 14:04:16

fallon eh?
Every knife is "allergic" to something?
How do we walk down the street? Yes he is allergic to ever known feather, but where we live, the buildings, streets, roads and human beings are not made from feathers. Can I ask, are you suggesting Im making up his allergies?

Outraged I hear what you're saying.

Catsdontcare Thu 07-Mar-13 14:06:30

I think it's fine to ask if she can stop using feathers there are plenty of other props she can use.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Thu 07-Mar-13 14:07:10

Yes, the artificial feathers idea was an excellent one. Sorry I should have thanked you for that. I looked on ebay for some. But also practically next door to the class is a craft shop. This would be an excellent situation.

Humphrey things dont seem 'barred' to us. They ansolutely are. I cannot attend a baby group which gives out toast and cake. One touch of a child, crumb or butter fingered toy and its anaphylaxis. Theres no 'seeming' to it. Its absolutely real. hmm

Catsdontcare Thu 07-Mar-13 14:07:54

Fallon8 is on fire today, best ignored OP

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Thu 07-Mar-13 14:08:09

Also, the person who suggested using them at the start. Again, brilliant suggestion. One I hadnt thought of. If I cant find fake feathers, I'll ask her about that.

seeker Thu 07-Mar-13 14:08:15

My dd is was terrified of clowns. There was a clown doll at a play group we went to and she didn't want to go in the room if the doll was out. I talked to the organiser, and she put the clown in a cupboard on the days we went. I don't think anyone though their child's inalienable right to play with clowns was being violated. Or if they did, they, very sensibly, kept quiet about it. The same will apply to the feathers. If the organizer is dithering, go straight to the other parents.

SarkyPants Thu 07-Mar-13 14:10:11

"Of course, the world would be such a better place if we all bent over backwards to help one another. But we don't, and it is a waste of time and emotions to get upset about every injustice we face. "

missing out on a song with feathers does not count as bending over backwards.

Tailtwister Thu 07-Mar-13 14:13:54

I don't think YABU OP. For the sake of 3-4 minutes a few times a term, it would just be easier to stop using the feathers. If I were the teacher, that's what I would do.

Do you pay per term or per class OP? Are you having to still pay if you need to miss a 'feathers' class?

seeker Thu 07-Mar-13 14:14:22

but this is a situation so easily solved!!!!!!

OP I think you area being very U not wanting to ask the other mothers. You seem to be paying more attention to the one or two who would have a problem with this, (and who I bet wouldn't have the guts to repeat the stupid things they are saying on where in real life) than to the overwhelming majority who wouldn't.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy Thu 07-Mar-13 14:15:13

I just called the first craft shop I googled in my town and the woman told me the feathers they had were fake. I said really? "Yes definitely!" Would you nind checking? "Yes but they are fake. Coloured feathers!" .... "Oh the pack says 'hen feathers'"


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