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aibu to think my friend has not got hints about my feelings?

(69 Posts)
japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 16:34:26

This may well turn into a forest fire but I am going to try anyway to navigate this without alienating too many people.
A woman I have known for about 5 years now who has a DS1 the same age as my DD2. She also has a 2 year old. She is a few years older than me and no2 is likely her last.
I had a hysterectomy when DD2 was 3. Though the far side of 30 , I knew no more pregnancies were viable. Got on with things, though internally I can feel bereft from time to time. The what ifs of it but don't really bring to conversations, it is what it is. Nothing can be changed but I am experiencing a sadness in a way.
Woman is very involved in breast feeding stuff. Recently it has gotten all consuming for her. She shows me photos of her and friends breast feeding or she is feeding DD2 in the middle of the playground, walking down the road. It seems an endless activity as well as constantly discussing how much he loves it, how much they love falling asleep with him feeding. It is begining to feel painful in a clumsy way. I have been on the point of telling her but feel that it would sound like bitterness and I am sure there are those here who will say the same. Despite showing no interest whatsoever when she starts on the subject, she doesn't seem to be getting my silence or blank face. There is nothing we have in common anymore and it feels so one sided.
Do I tell her? Am I simply jealous? Do I remain shutted up?

2cats2many Wed 06-Mar-13 16:46:51

Just tell her. If she isn't immediately mortified and doesn't promise to stop talking about it all the time, then avoid her.

She should respect your feelings, but she won't know what they are Unless you tell her. Not everyone is good at picking up non verbal cues.

INeverSaidThat Wed 06-Mar-13 16:53:54

I would just tell her how you feel. There is no need for it to be a big issue. She sounds a bit boring TBH. confused

HecateWhoopass Wed 06-Mar-13 16:54:45

People aren't mind readers. If you want them to have information, you have to give it to them.

How does she know the reason for your blank face or silence? Why is she to assume that it is because she talks about breast feeding?

Don't make the mistake of thinking that because you know how you feel, others should know how you feel.

Tell her.

I don't think you come across as spectacularly lemon faced or anything grin you feel how you feel, and understandably so, this is a really sad thing for you.

But you need to speak your feelings, not hope that someone will guess them.

japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 16:58:21

i almost don't want to admit it...there I said it....

RubyrooUK Wed 06-Mar-13 17:04:26


Are you finding it hard to hear her talk about breastfeeding because it upsets you in a way related to you not having more babies (after the hysterectomy)? Which is totally fair enough.

Or is it that she is boring you senseless with her breastfeeding activism and you just don't have anything in common? Also fair enough.

I wasn't quite sure which you meant from reading your post so maybe you aren't being clear to your friend either.....

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Wed 06-Mar-13 17:06:16

Just mention you would have loved another baby but had to have a hysterectomy, if you can.

Then, if she is sensitive in any way, she will tone it down a LOT.

thezebrawearspurple Wed 06-Mar-13 17:07:05

Change to a more interesting subject, she's probably just yakking on because she hasn't got much to talk about and you're not giving her anything else to work with.

japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 17:10:35

I am finding it hard, upon reflection, because of coming to terms with not having any more babies.
zebra I do try to get on to other things, but she keeps swinging back to it.
"OOOhhhh DS, he needs boob allll the time".
"We were having such a lovely feed then had to come out"
I go stoney inside and sort of float off but she catches up with me

ENormaSnob Wed 06-Mar-13 17:20:41

Oh god I've got a friend like this.

She bores the shit out of me tbh.

Yanbu at all.

RubyrooUK Wed 06-Mar-13 17:24:36

Ah, I see. Does your friend know about the hysterectomy? Does she know that babies might be a sensitive subject? Have you ever been explicit about this subject?

(Sorry for questions - just trying to work out the best way to tackle it.)

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 06-Mar-13 17:27:42

She does sound a bit boring, but then she's obviously all moony and hormoney.

Erm, i don't really know what to say. I would advise you to tell her, in passing how berfet you feel sometimes. As others have said, her reaction will tell you what you need to know.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Wed 06-Mar-13 17:27:59

Bereft, not berfet

japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 17:32:52

Yes, well aware of hysterectomy. I don't feel that I should have to point it out to her. Kind of disappointed that she is a bit oblivious. I don't think she has given it a passing thought that it might be sensitive for me. To me, I thought it might have been something to consider and I am angry at her for not realising. indeed though she is not psychic, but if she had a clue

DukeSilver Wed 06-Mar-13 17:35:28

YANBU. It is incredibly boring and self obsessed when someone talks about it so much.

I fed my dd till she was nearly 3, so I am in no way against breast feeding. I just don't see why it has to be such a big deal and worn as a badge on honor.

japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 17:39:39

I have felt a bit embarrased for her as she goes on about it with all and sundry or wandering about with her breast hanging out. just looks quite frankly "Out of it". in a daze and then this sort of weird look comes over her and off she goes and will not stop on the subject. she tried to convicne me that if my daughter got pregnant I would be able to breast feed the baby.....WTF?
My eldest is 19. so she could have a baby soonish (hope she doesn't) so we could all "bond" bf'ing her child.....

ENormaSnob Wed 06-Mar-13 17:43:48

Your friend sounds annoying, embarassing and slightly unhinged imo.

Shall we pair her up with my irritating friend?

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 06-Mar-13 17:49:37

I think you need to separate your feelings about your hysterectomy, and your --bonkers- friend's evangelical breast-worship stuff.

You obviously are feeling sensitive about the former, and while her walking round with her mammaries a-kimbo for everyone to see is bonkers irritating, it's not really connected to your feelings about yourself IYSWIM?

Try to see it like that, maybe, though I know it must be hard. Try to focus on what an eejit she makes herself sound.

RubyrooUK Wed 06-Mar-13 17:52:14

Alright, in that case, Japonica, either:

A) She thinks that because you have two kids already, you won't be sensitive about babies/breastfeeding in the way that someone who had a hysterectomy with no children might. She thinks that because you have already been through this stage, you will be ok with it.

B) She knows you feel upset about having no more babies but because you also have two kids, doesn't think you will be sensitive about her talking about breastfeeding her second.

C) She knows you are upset but simply doesn't connect her breastfeeding with your feelings of loss.

D) She gets that you are upset about more kids but is incredibly thoughtless.

I offered the first views because I think that sometimes when you have kids already, people don't consider that issues of infertility could ever hurt you.

For example, my friend knows that I've had miscarriages but because I eventually got pregnant and had DS1, always goes on and on about how she and her DH only have to look at each other to conceive! I mean on and on...and I often say "well you are lucky" and then she says "oh well you got there in the end too". She genuinely doesn't mean to upset me, just doesn't see it as at all sensitive for me.

(She does sound sodding boring though, whatever.)

japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 18:01:06

ernoma that is a deal. send yours over and see if it is any easier.

Ruby, agree totally that she might think that because I have had kids, then I am all over the rest of it.

HOwever, she seems totally removed from the non-breastfeeding world and that there are other things going on for other people.

I want the person back that was once engaged in something other than boob time and other peoples boobs and being an expert on all things tit related, historically, socially and culturally. I do not either appreciate it when she is in my kitchen, in front of my DH. He is aware that boobs do many jobs, but he is not sure what to do with a woman he is not overly familiar with getting out her boobs to feed a child. It is not a case that "my baby needs a feed now", it just seems to be an almost unconcious reflex with her and an endless activity.

RubyrooUK Wed 06-Mar-13 18:10:46

I think maybe the breastfeeding thing and her insensitivity about your feelings are separate to be honest.

The bits about you feeding a potential grandchild, for instance, are lunacy. grin

I have not had a hysterectomy and I breastfed till DS was a toddler. But I would find the conversations you describe boring and frankly a bit mad. I'd probably cut down on contact a bit with the hope that she got less nuts in a few months.

I think breastfeeding in front of someone else's husband is pretty ok really - it's just feeding a baby - but the rest of the conversations suggest she has probably over-invested in breastfeeding. Possibly because this will be her last baby and she is a bit intense about it.

Maybe avoid for a while?

<realises this is very rubbish advice>

japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 18:13:52

I have been avoiding and she is a bit oblivious. You know what, if it was anyone else breastfeeding in front of my husband, I don;t think it would be a problem. I am hoping the nutty carry on passes over. it just seems to have intensified in the last few months to the point I feel overwhelmed by it.
This is all good advice, thank you all.
She is off the deep end though, isn't she? Not just me thinking it is all a bit over the top?!

DoJo Wed 06-Mar-13 18:17:21

TBH, I am still breastfeeding and would find this boring and unwelcome. As much as I am a believer that breastfeeding should be encouraged, I've never quite 'got' the whole thing about it being a magical thing that people want to talk about all the time. I don't think you sound bitter, just bored that she's such a one-trick pony conversationally.

japonicabumsplatt Wed 06-Mar-13 18:29:02

whatever the subject. when you got tumble weeds, wouldn't you stop or wonder if you were in a dodgy area, or simply fucking think for a minute?

Branleuse Wed 06-Mar-13 18:35:05

she sounds like a nutcase.
she needs to be told and then avoided.

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