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To be annoyed that the school are doing nothing about this?!

(54 Posts)
PenguinBear Tue 05-Mar-13 22:04:18

There have been messages written on the toilet wall wishing dd1 would kill herself etc. really nasty stuff and the school's crap investigations found nothing.

It has happened again and to quote the school 'we are at a loss' hmm.

I could give them a list as long as my arm of things they could do, none of which have been done.

What can we do? We've written to the head, written to all staff invoked including head of year etc. Considering pulling her out but it's a fee paying school and we are on a Scholarship so DP is worried that they'll think we're ungrateful if we pull her out.

Would it be worth contacting the police at all?

Isityouorme Wed 06-Mar-13 07:11:52

And contact police

SpanishFly Wed 06-Mar-13 07:17:49

as everyone else says, YOU need to do something if the school are not. YOU have to show your daughter that she can depend on you to help her when she gets into a situation that is Too Big for her to deal with herself.

The school are behaving appallingly. She's had no threats made to her face - thats OK, then hmm. The first threat to her face could happen at any time - and you really don't want it to get to that stage.
No, it's absolutely NOT OK that she is having threats against her life in ANY form.

exoticfruits Wed 06-Mar-13 07:19:52

The school has to have an anti bullying policy and they have to show it to you. Take it home, read it carefully. Use a highlighter pen or take notes of the relevant parts with bullet points. Go back and tell them that you expect them to follow it. Take it up with the governors if they don't. (And you can take it home- they must have a photocopier)

BeckAndCall Wed 06-Mar-13 07:28:12

This is appalling. The school is clearly useless so you may consider taking matters into your own hands. Possibilities:

Go into school with your lawyer to talk about their duty for safeguarding children;

Use the class contact list, if you have one, to alert other parents to the situation and ostensibly to ask if there daughters have likewise been targeted - that way other parents will know what's going on;

Speak to the police - if this were Internet bullying it would be taken ruinously so I'd guess that bullying be graffiti would be taken equally seriously. School just might pull their finger out if a squad car turns up in the car park;

Talk to the chair of the governors or, depending on the constitution of the school, the higher sponsors than that eg church council ( if it applies)

And I agree with others about the scholarship - they're not going to take it away from you - check the details of your offer - the terms and conditions will be in it and this won't be a reason for withdrawing it.

delboysfileofax Wed 06-Mar-13 07:28:58

Just out of interest what are people who are suggesting to contact the police expecting them to do about it?

I can completely understand your daughter being upset about it but it is not a threat to her life as OP reported it in her first post.

This is something the school need to deal with not the police

Heebiejeebie Wed 06-Mar-13 08:11:57

Have you considered whether she could have written the messages herself? Have you had a meeting with her teacher and head? Have you given them, in writing, the list of things you would like them to do? If they are not acting then the governers should be involved. If she wants to keep going in, then I am not sure what keeping her at home would achieve.

BeckAndCall Wed 06-Mar-13 08:38:23

delboys, my understanding of the recent cases of Internet bullying are that bullying in itself is an activity of it interest to the police- I'm unclear tho as to whether that applies to just cyber bullying, or whether graffiti bullying would be covered. Hence I suggest it's worth a conversation.

rollmopses Wed 06-Mar-13 08:42:33

You 'could' give them a list what to do. Why don't you, it's your child who suffers, no?
You must stand up for your DD and if that means going in with big boots, so be it. Do not be afraid to involve the police, as a matter of fact, that what you should do asap.

mummytime Wed 06-Mar-13 09:03:14

The police do deal with bullying, although usually at a secondary level which this doesn't sound as if it is. The school sounds useless. I wouldn't allow them to quietly get away with it.

delboysfileofax Wed 06-Mar-13 09:12:38

I could understand if it was a direct threat that police may get involved- but as far as I could see it was just a horrible graffitI message. I'm not sure what people are expecting? handwriting analysis? forensic pen matching? How could the police do anything the school can't? Just seems a massive waste of their time even ringing them.

BeckAndCall Wed 06-Mar-13 12:41:18

Personally, given its gone on so long with useless responses from school, I'd get lawyered up and go in to see the head for a meeting as my first action. The police suggestion is just another option ( which may or may not fall on deaf ears) - wouldn't do any harm for the school to know you were considering it as an option.

seeker Wed 06-Mar-13 13:13:53

If it's a small school and the message was handwritten, I bet they have a fair idea who it was anyway.

I hate it when people feel they have to be grateful to a private school. Well, I would hate it if people felt they had to be grateful to a state school too- but it doesn't seem to come up!

frazmum Wed 06-Mar-13 13:22:54

You need to escalate this. Arrange a meeting with the Head, stipulate it must be for this week and then go in with full details of all the incidents and what you want to happen. Ask to see their Bullying Policy before the meeting as this shows the procedures they must follow. Also write down your escalation procedure - Board of Governors, Police and also find out if your LEA can get involved in a private school matter.

I've had to deal with DDs being bullied at a private and state school. The state school were excellent (especially when I pulled out DD until it was sorted which they did in 24 hours). The private's first response was 'we don't have bullying at our school', then 'she got the bruises at home'. We had been dealing with Deputy Head, escalated to Head Teacher who thankfully successfully dealt with it.

Try posting on Education/Bullying on Mumsnet as you'll get some help with dealing with a private school.

maddening Wed 06-Mar-13 13:37:55

Delboy - I suggested she ask the police - you don't know what the police's opinion is of this - they would be in the position to advise the op and even if they can't do anything they may have advice for the op.

The fact the messages are actually suggesting that the little girl kills herself rather than insult her or name calling imo takes this beyond normal bullying (and normal bullying is bad enough but this seems more ominous going by the type of message)

maddening Wed 06-Mar-13 13:40:05

And why is asking their opinion a waste of police time - don't be so ridiculous.

coatonarack Wed 06-Mar-13 13:59:16

Write to the school governors listing the facts in a non-accusatory manner. Don't forget they will support the Head so you will need evidence.

If you have another fee paying school in the area go to see them. If DD is on a scholarship then another school will want her on their school roll. They might be able to offer her a scholarship to, or an assisted place. I used to work in a private school. Don't have any qualms about handing in the notice of withdrawal, but only do this if you have somewhere else lined up. If you do it, however, you can always withdraw the withdrawal, so DD doesn't have to leave if you change your mind.

Go to your doctor with you DD and get a doctor's note signing her off school for a week with stress - directly related to the bullying.

Keep complaining, keep complaining, keep complaining, keep complaining. At the very least, they will have to do something to shut you up. That sounds flippant but that's how it works. And also, stage sit-ins, ie sit in reception until the Headmaster or the Head of Pastoral will see you. Don't be fobbed off. Private school teachers are lazy bs and will do anything for an easy life, so if you are making their life difficult then they have to finally take action.

And finally, the school will want to keep your DD if she is clever as she will boost their exam results. They should be grateful that you chose them, not that you should be grateful that they accepted your DD. Seriously, check out other school options.

delboysfileofax Wed 06-Mar-13 14:23:22

Yes, the advice would be that it's a school issue! You really don't think that someone writing "I hope person x kills themselves" is a police matter do you?

What law has been broken? The only one I can see is criminal damage and in that case the school would be the "victim" not the OPs daughter

delboysfileofax Wed 06-Mar-13 14:23:55

Last comment was to maddening by the way

maddening Wed 06-Mar-13 14:40:01

Delboy - I haven't suggested the police will do anything but are a good point for advice.

The police do take bullying in schools seriously and most forces have a lot of info online. Yes they do say that approaching the schools is the most usual advice but they also advise on their online sites that in certain cases they do get involved - so I doubt you or I would know exactly the police response would be as the messages aren't just insults but do have a more ominous tone - so why would it hurt for the op to ask them what they think? And if they can't help they will have access to local support groups and advisory services that migbt be of help to the op particularly as the op has tried the "approach the school" advice already.

maddening Wed 06-Mar-13 14:43:37

Here is a good link which explains more about what the police might do.

Inertia Wed 06-Mar-13 14:46:32

Delboy- the police often have community liaison officers who work directly with local schools as part of their job (may well not be the case for fee-paying schools).

If it's been reported to the police, then the school are not in the position of being able to sweep things under the carpet so easily.

Mintberry Wed 06-Mar-13 14:46:56

I'm not an expert on this, but I would have thought that contacting the police might be a good idea to make the school take this more seriously for your DD and other children in the future. Those wealthy MC parents won't be happy paying high fees to send their little darlings to a school with police cars parked outside, will they?

complexnumber Wed 06-Mar-13 14:53:38

I know this does not directly address the OP's issue, but the best schools I have worked in have all had a policy to remove graffiti asap after it has been noticed. This was normally by the end of the day.

Consequentially there is v. little scribbled on our walls.

However the bullying aspect needs to be addressed more directly, the school's 'hands up' 'what can we do' is abhorent.

delboysfileofax Wed 06-Mar-13 15:02:48

Thanks for the link maddening, maybe Scotland has different legislation in place, and I was aware of the role of school liaison officers. However in this case I still don't understand how people are expecting them to get involved. In my local force they only act if crimes have taken place inside the school, and whilst nasty this is not something they would get involved with

rollmopses Thu 07-Mar-13 11:45:09

coatonarack, your comment below is the most utterly idiotic, spiteful, narrow-minded drivel I have ever read on these boards. You do realise that, don't you?

''Private school teachers are lazy bs and will do anything for an easy life, so if you are making their life difficult then they have to finally take action. ''

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