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To think my SIL purposefully tried to spoil our wedding day?

(174 Posts)
ThreadWorms Tue 05-Mar-13 18:25:59

A bit of a back story first - my SIL (not technically as this is BIL's girlfriend) and BIL were meant to get married last year and had found a venue they wanted to use but decided to use the money her father had given her for the wedding on a house purchase instead. She then told me that they would probably get married abroad in a couple of years. Fast forward to last year and DH and I decided to finally set the date for our wedding having come into a little bit of money which would enable us to do it. As our budget was low we found a couple of venues with winter offers one being the one that SIL was going to use. I was dubious about upsetting her but after a huge fallout with a close friend over the other venue (one date left and she demanded I let her have it - we haven't spoken since) we decided to go ahead with sil's venue believing that it wouldn't matter since they would never use it anyway. SIL is a difficult person, I have posted about her before and she demonstrates many characteristics of narsassistic personality disorder. She has taken over other key events in our life and I fully expected her to do 'something' on our wedding day but she really excelled my expectations.

Firstly she ate her starter and then disappeared outside for the rest of the evening for the most part. She spend near enough the whole time stood outside with the smokers. I realise that this is her prerogative but she made it obvious that she didn't want to be there.

She heckled my dad all the way through his speech and insulted my DH.

She started arguments with a few of my friends over things that happened over 5 years ago. She accused my best friend and bridesmaid of sending her a nasty message on Facebook which never happened. She was generally very rude and nasty to my friends. She has a tendency to be this way with people anyway but I was shocked by just how openenly nasty she was. My friends did very well not to bite but at one point I really thought it could end up with physical fighting as she just wouldn't stop goading them with vile comments.

She was visibly annoyed and said as much that we had been lucky enough to get a good day weather wise which of course people were commenting on.

She told anyone who would listen that we had 'stolen' her venue. She also kept telling people that she was gutted that her sons had not been asked to he pageboys despite the fact that DH had asked them but stipulated that they would have to pay for the suit hire. They opted not to do this, fair enough.

I generally tried to avoid her anyway as I don't like her very much but at one point she pulled me over to have a 'heart to heart'. It started off very nice with her complimenting my dress and the wedding decoration etc, but then she admitted that she was angry with us for booking that venue. I tried to explain what had happened but she wouldn't hear me out. She said that friends of hers had encouraged her to book the same venue but go bigger and better which she now felt she couldn't do as I'd done such a great job. I told her it wasn't a competition and that I would be happy if she felt she could still have her wedding there if that was what she wanted. I do not subscribe to this belief that friends or family cannot use the same venue.

She ended up asking me if I had a problem with her. On any other occasion I probably would have explained my issues with her but I felt it wasn't the time or the place.

What made me most angry was this though. Many years ago DH had an affair with one of sil's friends. We got through it and I never blamed SIL for her involvement despite the fact that she helped to hide what was going on. I disliked her before this anyway so that was never the issue. Despite the fact that her BIL has also cheated on her she still loves to make out that they have a better relationship than we do. Anyway, I don't know what possessed her but she started saying that we would never see eye to eye due to the past with her friend/ow but going on and on about how great and amazing her friend was. That was it for me and I made my excuses and went back inside to spend time with our guests that were actually happy for us. I mean is it just me or was this totally and utterly inappropriate to bring up Mine and DH's past like this on our wedding day? We have discussed the situation before, there was just no need as far as I could see. Things have moved on anyway, we have has children since the affair, we have got through it. Why drag it back up on what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives?

So Aibu to think she did this on purpose or should I cut her some slack since it was inevitably going to be difficult for her since she had wanted her wedding there? Or could we have reasonably expected her to keep her feeling to herself just for one day? I've put myself in her position and I think that even if I was angry etc I would have tried to be happy for them and put my own feelings to one side for their big day.

LadyPessaryPam Wed 06-Mar-13 12:42:25

Ooooh and then you can do it all back to her wink Not that you would, you are too nice grin

DeepPurple Wed 06-Mar-13 12:51:13

I don't see why people think the venue was such a big deal. SIL decided NOT to have her wedding there and spent the money on a house. If she had a wedding booked for there and OP jumped in and married there before her then I could understand it. SIL isn't marrying there so why is it a problem for the OP to?

I considered many venues for my wedding and wouldn't bat an eyelid at any friend or family member using any of them, including the one we married in.

OP, your SIL is just a toxic fruit loop.

GregBishopsBottomBitch Wed 06-Mar-13 13:10:39

Purple I agree, SIL opted not to marry when she had the money, she cant get stroppy over someone liking the same venue when she decided not to marry, its just jealous over OP getting married first.

If OP hadnt picked that venue, i can guarantee, she'd still be ranting over OP getting married first.

jennybeadle Wed 06-Mar-13 13:16:55

The venue thing is just daft. When one of DHs very close cousins chose the same venue as us a few months later, we were actually delighted - it showed they shared our impeccable taste, and the elderly relatives knew where the toilets were already. A venue is a place, not a thing which can be "used up"!!

I think she's a bit nasty though. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

PureQuintessence Wed 06-Mar-13 13:20:14

She sounds pretty vile. But she must really feel very bitter towards you.

You "take" her wedding venue, and she is left with only really expensive options, unless she has to use the same venue and make an inferior event out of it.

Your dh offered her sons page boy roles, but asked that she fund the outfits herself. What a snub. It is not very polite to ask pageboys/flower girls/brides maids to fund their own outfits.

Your dh is a philandering shit (in her opinion, glad you have managed to move on from his infidelity ^with a friend of family^) who most likely broke her friends heart.

I can see why she is not really your greatest fan!

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 13:30:43

Thanks for a different perspective pure but if I may...

Her partner has also cheated on her. Actually, more than she knows about. Despite her being a complete notch to me over other things I would never deliberately bring it up to hurt her. She is entitled to think what she likes of us, but to dredge up ancient history on our wedding day? In who's book is this remotely acceptable?

There are other options open to her, they had said they were marrying abroad. She has decided to use the same venue anyway now she knows it has a winter offer but in her words she was hoping to outdo me but now felt she couldn't as I'd done such a good job. My wedding was very much DIY and many guests commented on the 'personal' touches.

I have explained the pageboy saga further up thread. It came about because DH, in his excitement, asked if his sisters boys would like to be pageboys when I thought we were having our son only. We paid for everything for our attendants, no mean feat when it was a budget wedding. We simply couldn't afford to pay for the hire if 7 additional children's suits in top of all that. It was never meant to be a snub and in actual fact, when they were planning their wedding previously she asked our dds to be flower girls, told us which dresses she wanted them to wear and where WE could buy them from. We weren't asking her to do anything she had not expected us to do when the tables were turned.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 13:33:44

And to add, I don't think DH broke her friends heart. She was very much aware that he was with me and by all accounts didn't care. I'm not excusing what my DH did but it was years ago, SIL and I have discussed it many times before so it wasn't really necessary to bring it up on that of all days IMHO.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 13:35:21

Also, why would her event be 'inferior'? A wedding is what you make it and it's not a competition (to me at least, obviously in her world, it is). If she wants to 'outdo' me then she can.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 13:47:29

And one last thing, if DH did indeed break her friend's heart, then why take it out on me? I didn't do anything wrong, I never even contacted the ow, I left them to it and split with DH when I found out. We got back together only after their 'fling' was over. If she thinks this of my DH then surely she should be pulling him to one side and saying this? Why do it to me unless if course she was being intentionally inflammatory. But then that symptomatic of her entire attitude towards our wedding. DH has not so much as has a sideways glance for choosing the venue but I have had sly digs and Facebook comments aimed at me over the whole thing. DH and I decided on the venue together so he should be equally to blame in sil's eyes.

PureQuintessence Wed 06-Mar-13 13:54:46

"She said that friends of hers had encouraged her to book the same venue but go bigger and better which she now felt she couldn't do as I'd done such a great job." for your middle comment.

Your latest tirade there just shows that you and her seem to be as immature as each other.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 13:59:32

All I meant by that was that she was making it into a competition. I told her then that it wasn't and every wedding is different. If she uses the same venue there is no need for her to feel her wedding will be 'inferior'. Why would it?

I'm sorry you feel it was a tirade but I was merely countering your points as I thought of them.

Maybe I am immature, I don't know how you can tell from one post, but I know for sure I would never bring up her DP's past on their wedding day, if indeed at all.

MsPickle Wed 06-Mar-13 14:03:25

Ah, but she sounds like she believes weddings are only about brides so I doubt your dh would have featured in her perception of who chose/planned.

People are funny with 'ownership' etc, my soon to be SIL already refers to my brother as 'hubby' and generally refers to 'my wedding' rather than 'ours'. She has a heart of gold and has stood by my little bro through difficult times but lives her life at a pitch which is alien to me. She's normally cross about something someone has done and is currently a rampaging bridezilla (there maybe a thread asking for help coming up!) but I think a lot is insecurity so roll with it. Mind you, she also said, tongue in cheek, that a pregnant friend at work had 'stolen' her favourite girls name (classic, top 5 type name) so may yet lose the plot. My (roundabout) point is that for some these things matter but they manage to cope, for others they matter but expect everyone else to cope for them. It sounds to me as if she is jealous that you have properly moved on from the affair, held an excellent wedding (and I'm assuming looked amazing) and that you were surrounded by people who like and love you. If BIL has been philandering in her social circle that could be part of the overseas/registry office motivation so he doesn't have wedding day fallout? She sounds angry about so much but can only find release through being a spiteful cow. Detach, relax, if she's in photos, so what? Just look at the people you love.

As for the christening photography, she's clearly a loon and as your children all grow up they'll see it too.

Glad you had a great day, enjoy your marriage now! Doesn't sound much like she'll ever have that opportunity.

DonderandBlitzen Wed 06-Mar-13 14:03:36

"I was dubious about upsetting her but after a huge fallout with a close friend over the other venue (one date left and she demanded I let her have it - we haven't spoken since) we decided to go ahead with sil's venue believing that it wouldn't matter since they would never use it anyway"

She sounds awful, but I find it odd that you managed to have a big fall out with two separate people over wedding venues.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 14:09:14

Thanks for your replies.

Oh, she's not bothered about DH and ow being in the same room as they were both at her dc's recent birthday party. Everyone has moved on since then so I doubt the overseas wedding had anything to do with that.

It was a shock to me too how precious and weird people are over weddings. Believe me, I never saw it coming and it was initially the source of much hurt for me that I lost what I thought was a good friend over something as trivial as a wedding venue. But there you go.

As a pp mentioned, SIL would have been pissed off no matter what. She has had digs at us many times for having a long engagement. I think she never thought we'd get married.

financialwizard Wed 06-Mar-13 14:09:44

Forget about it, you at least don't have to live with her!

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 14:15:22

I'm sure I will forget about eventually but it is still a very recent event and I am posting in order to process my thoughts so I can move on instead of venting irl. Thing is, I will always have to have a relationship with SIL at least on some level since she is family, so whilst its easy to say that I should move on, I think it will take time especially as she is quite nasty to me on a day to day basis anyway.

bringbacksideburns Wed 06-Mar-13 14:41:53

'Oh, she's not bothered about DH and ow being in the same room as they were both at her dc's recent birthday party.' - how did you feel about that? It sounds like your Dh is very lucky to have you tbh. Maybe he should be having a word with her and his brother and telling them to lay off, eh?

And just because she's your SIL it doesn't mean you have to be continually linked to her at all. She is poisonous, adds nothing to your life and likes being mean to you. It must be clear to everyone she meets this is how she is. Keep her at arms length and don't be left alone with her.

bringbacksideburns Wed 06-Mar-13 14:42:26

Or did you mean her husband not yours with the OW?

wedwose Wed 06-Mar-13 14:45:12

We live in a country with a population of over 60 million. There are probably tens if not 100s of thousands of potential wedding venues to choose from. Your sil was clearly bu in her attitude and behaviour because she'd already 'given up' that venue. And people generally need to grow up about wedding venues, focus on their own wedding and stop seeing it as some sort of competition. I'd suggest you try and not waste too much time thinking about her and her behaviour inwi

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 14:49:25

No, I meant my DH was at the party and so was her friend/ow. I wasn't bothered tbh, it was a very long time ago, per dc, everyone has moved on and I trust him not to do anything like that again.

I do avoid her as much as possible but I can't always do that. I have turned down family events in the past because of her but then it would always be me missing out and coming across as the unreasonable one. Ideally I would have excluded her from the wedding, and it wasn't just me who felt that way, but she is BIL's partner, it simply wasn't an option to snub her so openly.

Everyone knows what she is like. Saying that though, my friends were shocked at her behaviour on the day as was I.

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 14:51:47

Completely agree wedrose. I don't get it all and it came as a huge shock when I encountered these attitudes.

youfhearted Wed 06-Mar-13 14:55:44

please try not to dwell on it, put it in a balloon and let it go, or something.
you know absolutely what she is like and she cannot hurt you. just remember, she is bonkers, keep telling yourself that.
we are all different, and she is the bonkers vareity

FakePlasticLobsters Wed 06-Mar-13 15:06:46

Threadworms - thanks, I knew I had read about this before and I remember the christening/birthday clash.

Honestly, I don't blame you for being upset.

Nobody owns a wedding venue, you could both marry in that particular venue and she would have no right to complain. There are not enough venues in the world for every bride to have her own and then ban anyone else from using it. You did nothing wrong in using a venue she had said she was not going to use.

Even if she did feel that it was 'hers' before it was 'yours', she had discounted it and said they would marry abroad instead before you ever booked your wedding.

She cannot sulk because you have used something she doesn't own and said she didn't want at the time you used it.

Weddings really are not a competition and everyone would be much happier if they did what suited them as a couple without worrying about being bigger and better than everyone else.

What your DH did with her friend is none of her business. It's in the past, you have all moved on. She's discussed it with you before but and should know that your wedding day is not the time or the place to bring it up again.

She may be upset that you and your DH got married before she did, but again that's ridiculous as she can't ban everyone she knows from getting married until she has.

She sounds spoilt and bitter and unhappy. Which is not and should not be your problem. Can you go with the usual MN recommendation of asking her if she means to be so rude and pulling her up every time she says something nasty?

For example, if she brings up your DH and her friend, just say "SIL, I really don't want to discuss that now, it's in the past" and just keep repeating that until she stops, perhaps throwing in "DH and I have moved on, so should you."

ThreadWorms Wed 06-Mar-13 15:51:45

Thanks again for the replies.

I know it wouldn't seem it from this thread but I haven't let it spoil the memory if the day. In fact, when she brought up ow, I did not have an emotional reaction, I just thought 'wow SIL, that's pretty low even for you, you must be incredibly jealous today'.

I have and am focussing on the positive aspects if the day of which there are many but I felt the need to post and process my thoughts on how she behaved so I can move on. A pp hit the nail on the head when they said I need to accept that she is nasty and will not change. I don't know why but I always try to believe in the best if people. I knew she was capable of trying to spoil things but I was just shocked at how far she went. I really feel like she sunk to a new low that day.

Lobsters, thank you for your post. All you have to do is look at this thread to see there are always people who will think that a friend/family member is entitled to exclusivity of a wedding venue and knowing this attitude does exist and so I tried to be sensitive to her pov but still feel her behaviour was unnecessary given the circumstances. Thinking about it further, there would only be a guest cross over of about 5/6 people so its not like all her friends and family would know we'd used the same venue or even what our wedding looked like. The whole thing is just bizarre confused.

thezebrawearspurple Wed 06-Mar-13 16:05:35

Some people are just nasty, horrible creatures and she is one of them. It is and will always be in her nature. She tried to ruin your day, glad to hear she failed. Stop indulging her though, people like this only practice their vile behaviour on those who tolerate them. If nobody ever put up with her, she'd have to be nice (or at least outwardly pretend), obviously that's unlikely since there will always be mugs but you don't have to be one.

Cut her out. Don't waste your time with her again and never invite her to try ruin any future events. The only way of dealing with toxic people is having nothing to do with them.

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