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To feel hemmed in and want to move away despite dd starting secondary this sept. just want a chat about it really!

(49 Posts)
piratecat Tue 05-Mar-13 18:21:55

I have been single for 8 yrs since ex dh left. We had moved to a very rural town for a new start and just afterwards dd came along, after trying for many yrs.

The town is lovely, but a real trek to anywhere where there's a bit of life. (think 20 miles in any direction-cinema museums, B&Q lol)Very small place large elderly population. I have spent the last 8 yrs getting over my husband leaving, dealing with him, dealing with many problems with dd mentally and physically.

I feel trapped, and sometimes want to get out of here, in the long term it would mean more opportunity for me and dd in so many ways. Yes it's safe here, the school she will go to is wonderful, and we have a friend base. Yet I look at courses, and job opps and there's nothing here. I feel that my time is coming now, that i am finally at a place to get to be me again. I suffered terribly with depression etc and have lived a very quiet life for the last 8 yrs.

There are no men here, sounds trivial, but actually it's not, it's so rural and a very family orientated environment. A place people move to iyswim. I know there's more fun out there somewhere, or at least more to do, more choice.

Then, i feel, hey, it's your dd's turn in life to shine not yours but the thought of staying here for another 8 yrs seems pretty bleak. She would be devastated to leave, but i know she could adapt in time. I also know that she will prob leave this area when she wants to leave school (as i did!)

I'm hankering after a big town again, i lived in London for 12 yrs, (where ex dh met and moved from for our new life-but he left when dd was 2)

thoughts generally, as i need to get a wide response.

piratecat Mon 29-Jul-13 12:46:40

oh, have been looking for Exeter too btw. x

piratecat Mon 29-Jul-13 12:46:17

hiya, thanks all. i know it's an old thread, sorry but i just needed to have a reality check.

It's funny old age, feels mid life crisis ee! Totnes isn't too far, but would drive me loopy. I can do it for a day, then the essential oils get to me wink

We do have lots of places to go, but it is remote, i crave museums, and 'life', but have to think of dd. I will prob reasses over the next year.

It's a place where all the clubs are family orientated, or for the retired. Trust me, i have many single woman friends in the same boat, who feel similarly about the lack of males about.
I do miss my ex, but i miss more having a family unit, more than him himself iyswim.
It would be fun to share. yrs on my own is just getting me down, and i wonder where time is going.x

formicadinosaur Mon 29-Jul-13 10:57:57

What about a different town like totnes? Small but lots going on. Or Bristol - although most secondary schools in Bristol are awful.

glastocat Mon 29-Jul-13 10:55:32

I would move, nothing worse than being stuck somewhere feeling trapped and unhappy. I am 44 and emigrated six months ago, my eleven year old son couldn't be happier in his new school. We sold the whole thing to him as a massive adventure and he has really matured and come out of his shell since the move, I think it has been a great opportunity for him.he has made a lovely group of friends and is getting opportunities to do all sorts of things that his old school didn't do, like swimming, frisbee, ukelele, tap and Indonesian lessons! So your child may be upset at the thought of moving, but I am sure she will adjust, and perhaps she will love it!

thebody Mon 29-Jul-13 10:41:36

yes but unfortunately this isn't a novel or a film is it?

the op has a dd to consider. and I think she's being very measured in not jumping out of the frying pan into a potential fire.

op your only 40, you still have a lot of time for adventures belive me.

theboutiquemummy Mon 29-Jul-13 10:37:20

You sound as if you are living in our village

Follow your heart and see what you find give yourself permission to have an adventure x

thebody Mon 29-Jul-13 10:02:25

didn't realise old thread. anyway I was going to say don't move, at least not yet, as your reasons seem vague.

you can be very bloody lonely anywhere even in London.

your dd is very happy and you don't have that worry.

there must be clubs, societies to join even if they're not strictly your thing? I bet the man if your dreams is sniffingky near but you my guess is you are still carrying a torch for your ex.

apologies if wrong.

shewhowines Mon 29-Jul-13 09:48:50

Good luck. Fwiw I think you are doing the right thing for your child. I know it's hard on you but you can revisit the situation later.

It's such a fine line as to how much to sacrifice for your children. You will know when that sacrifice becomes too great. The decision will make itself when you can bear it no longer. In the mean time just try to make the most of the life you have.

Hope it all goes well.

Helltotheno Mon 29-Jul-13 09:37:48

OP it's a very tough decision for you but tbh if your child is very happy and settled and you see a smooth path for her into adulthood/college in the place you are now, I'd be reluctant to change that.

I'm in a small town now, having moved from a city when pregnant and although I don't hate the town and have a good life, I recognise that I want to get back to the city no matter what. But the DC are happy here and I won't be considering a move until they're college age.

Of course you could move and it could work out but it just may not work out for your child and you only have one shot at that....

Assuming that you've picked the school she is to go to, is there any other bigger town in the broad vicinity that would offer more but would still be close enough to the school?

piratecat Mon 29-Jul-13 09:21:17

still here musing x

piratecat Sun 28-Jul-13 18:50:44

can't believe how old this thread is now.

Well the summer holidays is here, how is everyone doing who contributed to my thread, those who were moving or thinking of it?

We are still in Devon, nothing has come up to swap to, and dd, having just gone though the last weeks of term at primary school is hell bent on wanting to start secondary with her friends.

Very upset indeed when i talked to her again about how she felt about moving.

I mean, i know it's up to me, but as a single mum, with no support form family or ex, i feel i am the rock. It would be cruel to move her in so many ways. It's not that i can't/won't put my foot down, but i also have to take this young person's feeling into consideration.

Perhaps my life should take a back seat for the next 6 yrs?

Perhaps i should really try and make it more fulfilling, somehow. Yet as i said in my original post, there is so little opportunity here.

I have said to her that it looks like she will indeed be starting secondary with her friends, but that i don't know if this will be her forever school.

Just don't want her to have more uncertainty in her head, she's tired and needs the break.

anyhow, just thought i'd resurrect my thread for a bit of a chat. thanks!

newyearnewattitude Wed 06-Mar-13 19:43:49

Move to Exeter!!! I grew up there and my sister is still there with her kids and it is a lively place, the uni helps but for a teen it's great, not too big but enough shops etc and hanging out on the cathedral green is a good timewaster!

I put my son into a school at 11 where he knew no one and he quickly made friends and loves it there.

Go for it!

MN044 Wed 06-Mar-13 19:02:31

Piratecat, we're moving back to the city with an E. this thread really spurred me on and just one day of looking has hopefully provided a very good result. It looks as though we'll be back by summer smile I private rent though and I totally understand you not wanting to give up a housing association home. But if it means you're stuck waiting for an exchange that might never happen, I might just do it. There are lots of private lets in the city and you could claim housing benefit to top up your rent. I can't tell you how much more positive I feel today knowing that once I've pulled myself out of the 'woe is me, I hate it here' doldrums I've been in, it's actually been very easy to send out some emails and get the ball rolling. I love that city. But I am going back knowing exactly what to expect from it. You may find it completely different. Certainly I wouldn't want to live the wrong side of the river, but that's my own personal bias. Maybe go on the local site and ask people for truthful accounts of how they find the area. One thing that sticks out to me here is that everyone looks miserable and tired. There's none of the vibrancy I'm used to.

sarahtigh Wed 06-Mar-13 17:46:10

moving if you have to before secondary is the best time as all the kids will be in a new school even if some know each other from before what about exeter or torquay

nearer enough to see your new friends at weekends etc but exeter is smallish city

piratecat Wed 06-Mar-13 16:50:14

Callisto, I too moved from school to school as a youngster, sorry you had an awful time of it. I went to four different primary schools in one year!
Yet the same secondary school so that bit was settled ish, as my parents divorced and i had a really troubled time at home from age 13.

I will be renting as i am in a Housing association home, luckily, and you can swap with people. It's quite an amazing thing having that.

I am looking in London, outside of London, Brighton, Bath, Bristol, Exeter, South east generally.

fromparistoberlin Wed 06-Mar-13 14:25:01

"I always had the wrong accent/clothes/interests and was bullied for it,

Poor Callisto, that must have been shite

I do think though the beauty of London is DIVERSITY so everyone is different ???

tiredaftertwo Wed 06-Mar-13 13:38:00


It's got a great and cheap public transport system, masses to do for teenagers, and loads of areas that are buzzy, and people would think it most uncool to be "keeping up with the Joneses". And a reasonably mobile population so you stand a chance with a school place/people will be sued to new folk/if you miss September start, the school is also likely to be welcoming kids mid year.

I suppose I think that as you want to find yourself (sort of?), build a new life, why not go for London because it will have the most opportunities? There will be courses in everything you can imagine, and loads of free or cheap things to do.

GrendelsMum Wed 06-Mar-13 13:31:48

Does it have to be London you move to? Would it be more fun to move to a smaller city where things are closer together? How about Bristol, for example, or Brighton or Oxford?

Floggingmolly Wed 06-Mar-13 13:05:18

lovely, obviously blush

Floggingmolly Wed 06-Mar-13 13:04:47

That's a lovel concept actually, Folkgirl, whatever you you want to be...
I could do with applying that to certain parts of my life.

TroublesomeEx Wed 06-Mar-13 12:25:11

If you do it, think really carefully about why you are going and what you want to achieve. And implement it from day one.

Yes you are taking you with you, but you can take whatever you you want to be with you.

Callisto Wed 06-Mar-13 12:24:13

I think you should think very carefully about uprooting your DD and sending her to a school in a bigger town/city. My parents moved several times when I was school age and it was hell trying to fit in to new schools, and I was used to the upheaval. I never fitted in, I under-achieved, I always had the wrong accent/clothes/interests and was bullied for it, and I suffered from low self-esteem for a long time afterwards. I would never, ever put my DD through what I went through unless I had absolutely no other choice.

fromparistoberlin Wed 06-Mar-13 11:58:57

BTW I agree, do not think school gate is NOT the place to make friends

work friends
hobby friends
dating friends

London is diverse, and IMO alot less cliquey and MC

But I agree with what you said, "you will take you with you", how can you stregthen your emotional resilience

can you move and rent maybe, dip toe in?

fromparistoberlin Wed 06-Mar-13 11:50:03


you are sooooo not BU

you deserve a life and happiness too, and I can imagine how tough it is where you are

London rocks baby! come here. serously its booming, and work prospects are good

Yes it will be hard for your DD, but children do get moved ALOT and they survive

I think, if you approach this from a commercial POV it will be easier, ie

You move away, get a better job, better prospects etc

whatever you decide, stick with it- have the courage of your convictions


piratecat Wed 06-Mar-13 10:08:06

that's the thing isn't it, you are taking yourself with you!

I really love the place where i live, it's beautiful, it's safe, it's homely and friendly. I have already listed the downsides.

Maybe I need to seriously pinpoint what it is I think i am looking for. It's hard though to find that time to pinpoint it. Each day you just get on with what your day brings, school, dd, money, food etc...
What am I looking for?? I am very used to being single now, but i do miss having someone for me.
Agree that i need to be very careful what town i settle on.

Where in Devon are you looking to move MN044?

DrasticAction, I enjoyed London but felt it was time to go, well me and ex did but that decision wasn't taken lightly and we struggled for months to come to terms with moving on and out of it. I enjoyed the annonymity but also found it despairingly competitive and too keepy up with the Jonses at times. Or maybe it was just just magnified as it was London. I love the fact in Devon that it's so very laid back. BUT I am 20 yrs older than when i first moved to London and a very different grown up person now, who would find London different now for different reasons.

Finding a house swap is proving tricky too, thought there would be lots of people gagging to get out!

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