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To feel hemmed in and want to move away despite dd starting secondary this sept. just want a chat about it really!

(49 Posts)
piratecat Tue 05-Mar-13 18:21:55

I have been single for 8 yrs since ex dh left. We had moved to a very rural town for a new start and just afterwards dd came along, after trying for many yrs.

The town is lovely, but a real trek to anywhere where there's a bit of life. (think 20 miles in any direction-cinema museums, B&Q lol)Very small place large elderly population. I have spent the last 8 yrs getting over my husband leaving, dealing with him, dealing with many problems with dd mentally and physically.

I feel trapped, and sometimes want to get out of here, in the long term it would mean more opportunity for me and dd in so many ways. Yes it's safe here, the school she will go to is wonderful, and we have a friend base. Yet I look at courses, and job opps and there's nothing here. I feel that my time is coming now, that i am finally at a place to get to be me again. I suffered terribly with depression etc and have lived a very quiet life for the last 8 yrs.

There are no men here, sounds trivial, but actually it's not, it's so rural and a very family orientated environment. A place people move to iyswim. I know there's more fun out there somewhere, or at least more to do, more choice.

Then, i feel, hey, it's your dd's turn in life to shine not yours but the thought of staying here for another 8 yrs seems pretty bleak. She would be devastated to leave, but i know she could adapt in time. I also know that she will prob leave this area when she wants to leave school (as i did!)

I'm hankering after a big town again, i lived in London for 12 yrs, (where ex dh met and moved from for our new life-but he left when dd was 2)

thoughts generally, as i need to get a wide response.

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Tue 05-Mar-13 18:24:20

Do it now, while dd is relatively flexible. It's much easier persuading a 10/11 yr old than a 14 yr old. Sounds like it would do you the world of good.

piratecat Tue 05-Mar-13 18:29:01

My biggest fear if i moved (based on my experience of living in London) is even more isolation away from friends. At least i have some here, and realistically making new ones would be harder with dd being 11.
It's much easier to make friends when they are primary school age isn't it with the school gate culture.

I lived in south east London and knew sod all people apart from those i worked with. Hmm.

giraffesCantDateDucks Tue 05-Mar-13 18:34:07

How far is it from a big town you could move to?

giraffesCantDateDucks Tue 05-Mar-13 18:34:38

Like 6 hours away from current friends is a big difference from say an hour/hour and a half.

HildaOgden Tue 05-Mar-13 18:34:41

I'd move.Your gut is telling you to.

If you stay,you would be knowingly and consciously sacrificing your happiness/fulfillment by the sounds of it.In a few short years,your dd will be moving on to her own choices in life...and you may well have missed the boat.I can't help feeling that you might end up very bitter about it.

Seize this opportunity (do your research first though re where you will move to,and get as much 'in place' before you go as possible).

Go for it.Best of luck in the next stage of life smile

NaturalBlondeYeahRight Tue 05-Mar-13 18:36:17

Tricky, took me about a year to make new friends at school gate after moving. Will you work? That would make it easier. Does it have to be London? Could it be in a town that is near to the secondary school you have chosen? 20 miles from town seems really really remote.
Could you afford to move back?

uptomyeyes Tue 05-Mar-13 18:39:30

I live in South East London - you can come and be my friend smile

You don't make friends just at the school gate. I make friends through work, through evening classes, at my allotment, my neighbours etc.

Work opportunities would be better and London schools are definitely better than they used to be.

Agree that its either now or never as moving a child higher up the school becomes more problematic, but not insurmountable. A friend of my has recently moved her daughter in year 10.

MN044 Tue 05-Mar-13 18:46:03

Piratecat, you are me right now. We only moved in November but I hate it. Coming to a small town is a shock after even a small city. My children have no sense of community here, there is nothing going on at all. It's begun to depress me tbh as it was my choice to move us here, like you after a relationship breakup. I thought I'd get more support here as my family are here but they are useless and it makes it worse in a way- when we were 300 miles away I could understand them not helping. Now, there's no excuse. I feel I'm doing my dc a real disservice by staying in this place where there is just no aspiration. I'm looking to get out asap. The positive is thast I've already shown myself that I am capable of organising the move, as it was something that really scared me before doing it. But I made my life back where we were before, I was there for 9 years and moving away has made me incredibly homsick. Though I grew up here, it's not home. I feel no kind of attatchment to it at all. We can hold hands if you like. Fwiw, look on Gumtree for properties. I found my current (lovely, shame about the town) house there and have been emailing prospective landlords too. My problem is that I signed fro a year. I hope my landlord will be understanding and let me out early if needs be. I'm aiming to be moved by summer so the dc can start school in september. I want to leave this place, look on it as my year of stupid mistakes, and never look back.

Ionasky Tue 05-Mar-13 18:47:33

this might be a silly comment - but if it's mainly about meeting someone, have you tried online dating? Got several friends that met that way - you might have more people nearish than you think. It'd be better if you could figure some halfway house of keeping your network within a reasonable distance whilst trying to get more job/life opportunities. Tough decision...

LadyPessaryPam Tue 05-Mar-13 18:49:41

I wouldn't move to London but I would consider moving to a larger county town so that your DD has things to do via public transport as she get older, and you stand more chance of fun.

PurplePidjin Tue 05-Mar-13 19:08:27

I lived in a small village exactly like you describe (south coast? Begins with h?) as a teenager. It was horrible. Had to persuade my parents to drive me everywhere or buses and trains were hourly, took a ridiculously meandering route, cost the earth and were a 20 minute walk away. Employment for adults was scarce, as a teen it was virtually non-existent. I would move.

frazmum Tue 05-Mar-13 19:10:02

We moved from London to a small city when oldest in their early teens. We looked at villages nearby but decided while peace & quiet was good for us we'd spend our time commuting kids everywhere. They are really happy here as lots for them (and us) to do and they can get out and about on their own.

I think you'll find your DD will thank you for moving. And as NaturalBlonde said, much easier now than in a few years.

Chandon Tue 05-Mar-13 19:15:51

We have moved a fair bit, the way to do it imo is by creating possibilities.

So start looking for courses or work a bit further afield, if something good cmes up, accept. Then look for dd school options and a place to live. If the stars are well aligned, you may find a job, school place and house! ( that is what has happened to us a few times).

Just randomly moving to a bigger town is a no-no, you need something like a job or course to build your new life around.

Good luck, you can make this happen smile

Hissy Tue 05-Mar-13 19:16:17

Another one here too that has moved to 'home' region, south east countryside, small village, small village mentality. I love my home, love my neighbours, but hate the school, and everthing else.

I'd love to move, but can't afford to atm. Don't earn enough.

You have given me hope for the future. I will move, and we will improve our life.

I second the internet dating thing too! There are literally no men around here, and NO chance of ever meeting anyone. I have a lovely boyf, lives 30 mins away.

CremeEggThief Tue 05-Mar-13 19:23:33

I have almost the same problem, OP, only DS is a year younger. It's tearing me apart. In my case, the two places I could move back to worry me, as I doubt I'd get the support I need right now, similar to what MN044 says.

Am I right in thinking there is a city/larger town 20 miles away from where you are now? Could that be an option for you?

Floggingmolly Tue 05-Mar-13 19:26:13

Do it now, don't wait until your dd leaves school and flies the nest.

ThreeWheelsGood Tue 05-Mar-13 19:32:27

My mum's best friends are still the parents of friends I had at secondary school (not younger).

For your DD starting secondary school in a new area at the start of year 7 will be fine, usually there are quite a few feeder schools so although some people will already know each other, there will be lots of new friendship groups forming. In your position I'd move, no question.

piratecat Tue 05-Mar-13 19:42:50

hello will read your replies, am tending to ill child. thanks so far x

piratecat Tue 05-Mar-13 21:04:32

arghhh I've opened up my head wizz. My recovery from ex has taken so long, and I am so scared to move 'on' somewhere new. It will all be down to me, which may sound ridiculous, but as it's all down to me anyway-re dd I should be used to it, but it will be an upheaval. So much to think about.

Online dating tried it on and off for yrs, same prob as most who have tried it in that not alot on the sites to choose from and because of my location, they are always miles away.
I live in the south of Devon, so that will give you an idea of what my locality is. Dartmoor or the sea are within a 20 miles radius for men hunting!!

There is only one secondary here, and the next big school would be in one of the two large towns each, 20 miles away. There is a secondary school in another town which is 8 miles from here, but that town is no bigger really than this one.

I am lucky to live in a HA property, and have been looking for house swaps.

I don't think i would really truly like to go back to London, i rather think a bit of my heart was left there (where ex and i began married life). Yet, saying that I miss south east london too, and perhaps I would look at it differently too, now i seem to have a bit of oomph within me again.

I'm confused arent I. smile I really feel for anyone in this sort of position. Don't know about any one else but you feel like you should be happy, for your home, for your health but then there's something niggling too. Prob my age too, i am early 40's and i feel life racing by quicker.

tiredaftertwo Tue 05-Mar-13 21:29:14

Move. Move. Move

I am not surprised you feel trapped. I can imagine feeling safe and secure for a while was what you needed. But not now.

Of course you want more to do and more choice. New activities and new people. You have had a lot to cope with and you deserve a chance now to make a new start. I have started a couple of new things recently (nothing major) and I just feel so much happier, able to cope with normal everyday problems, and energetic.

It will get harder to move your dd once she is settled, made friends, chosen options and so on. But it may be hard to get her in somewhere decent now.

I'd start with a list of possibles and take it from there - where do you know people, where might you get a job and where is there a fair bit of mobility so if you move close to a school your dd can slot in near the top of a wait list? South east London has some lovely friendly people in it smile.

Personally, I'd look at cities because there is so much going on. It is much easier to make friends and meet people if you can do courses, do some volunteering, retrain, join clubs. And then even if your social life takes a while to get going, in the meantime you are doing interesting things with people with whom you have something in common.

Really good luck.

dummad Tue 05-Mar-13 21:36:49

To be honest I think the other way around - that it'd nice to move to the county but I couldn't do it to the kids. I worry they would be cut off and miss out on play dates etc. I also think about when they are 12ish and want to exert their independence. They'd miss out on going to the cinema in town. And the big one: when they're teenagers, worrying me to death getting lifts home from 17 year olds, driving thru country lanes at top speed to drop them back - of driving themselves! Argh! It fills be with dread.

Move while you can to a house near a bus route and taxi rank.grin

DrasticAction Tue 05-Mar-13 22:08:38

I really feel for you, its so horrible not being happy and being stuck somewhere.

I think you have to be realistic with yourself before you move - are you the kind of person who will struggle anywhere or is it truely your current environment?

The old adage if you move you will take your problems with you.

I have always found London to be liberating and I think there is more chance of you meeting a man there? Purely because there is a higher flow of human traffic there. Towns where I am are dead at night except for teenagers and binge drinkers there is little for people my age to do ( late 30's).

Be careful which town you move too if not London.

I would move to London immedialty if we won the lottery - actually thats a lie as DD1 is in primary, however, I would move I think and chauffer her to her school and slowly move life to London.

I had a friend struggling in a great town - she struggled for years and is quite timid but she moved. I would love her bravado but we could only afford a studio in London, in an OK area with two DC's!

But where I am depresses me and I can't seem to meet friends who are like minded.

MN044 Tue 05-Mar-13 23:14:18

Piratecat I'm trying to move back to Devon! The hardest part is making the decision. Trust me, I've moved a drastically long way and once the decision was made, we were gone in a month. Your dd will adapt, my own dc have done remarkably so. But they deserve so much more than to be stuck in this rotten town. Change and responsibility is scary when you're the only adult. But as much as I hate it here, having the balls to actually do it has been so liberating for me. I honestly feel I a, in charge now and it's given me a real sense of direction. I took life totally for granted, didn't know what I wanted except to escape my ex after he royally fucked me over. This has in many ways been the worst year of my life. But I'm not going to dwell, it's done, and i know what to do to make it better. Whatever happens, this time next year I'm going to be back in the place that really feels like home and giving my dc the childhood and opportunities they deserve. And you will toosmile

piratecat Wed 06-Mar-13 10:08:06

that's the thing isn't it, you are taking yourself with you!

I really love the place where i live, it's beautiful, it's safe, it's homely and friendly. I have already listed the downsides.

Maybe I need to seriously pinpoint what it is I think i am looking for. It's hard though to find that time to pinpoint it. Each day you just get on with what your day brings, school, dd, money, food etc...
What am I looking for?? I am very used to being single now, but i do miss having someone for me.
Agree that i need to be very careful what town i settle on.

Where in Devon are you looking to move MN044?

DrasticAction, I enjoyed London but felt it was time to go, well me and ex did but that decision wasn't taken lightly and we struggled for months to come to terms with moving on and out of it. I enjoyed the annonymity but also found it despairingly competitive and too keepy up with the Jonses at times. Or maybe it was just just magnified as it was London. I love the fact in Devon that it's so very laid back. BUT I am 20 yrs older than when i first moved to London and a very different grown up person now, who would find London different now for different reasons.

Finding a house swap is proving tricky too, thought there would be lots of people gagging to get out!

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